Theres nobody bigger than beyonce. Jimmy yes, there is and ow. Dame oprah, its dame oprah, its her jimmy its not oprah. You got stamos you finally got john stamos on the show. Thats amazing. Jimmy its not john stamos, and hes been on the show a bunch of times. Its not oprah. Its the president of the United States and he needs this woroom. Secret service is here and they have dogs who will bite you if you dont leave. Im going to have to ask you to ea im sorry. Im going to slap you again. Jimmy please dont, it hurt that time too. You got the president , huh . Wow. Its a big deal. Jimmy hes got two months left on the job. Good get, lame duck. Anyway this ones from matt day upon. Damon. I can sign that for you now. Dicky from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight, president barack obama. And obama mean tweets 2. And now heres jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] . Jimmy hi, everybody. Thank you. Im jimmy. Im the host. Thank you for watching. Thank you for coming. Congratulations on making it here. Through security. If youre wondering why you got sniffed by dogs on the way in its either because the president is here or you have sausages in your pockets. Its a big deal when the president comes to visit. The secret service was very prostate checked. [ laughter ] and guess what, obamacare covered the whole thing. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] never before has an outgoing president sat down with an incoming Vice President , this is nothing short of historic. Speaking of historic, tomorrow night the Cleveland Indians host the chicago cubs. The president of course is from chicago. He tweeted, ill say it, holy cow cubs fans, rocking last night, fly the w. Im not sure how i feel about the president using hash tags. [ cheers and applause ] i am excited about the cubs. Its their first world series since 1945 and theyre pulling out all the stops. The great former chicago bull Scottie Pippen was at Wrigley Field on saturday. He had the honor of leading the crowd in the traditional take me out to the ball game. Who knew scotty was such a big baseball fan. . Take me out to the ball . . I dont care if im . . Boop boop boop . Jimmy at least he got the team name right. [ cheers and applause ] bit of a letdown for us in l. A. Because they beat the dodgers, they beat them in six games, although the dodgers are demanding a recount, this whole thing might be rigged. [ laughter ] imagine if we did that for everything. Dodgers had a great season but ultimately the cubs were too much sure was hi, everybody [ cheers and applause ] wow hi hi jimmy legendary chicago cubs announcer harry caray, everyone [ cheers and applause ] first of all, big congratulations on your cubs. What is this, pretzels . These are wetzels pretzels. Yeah a little lady was handing them out down the road. Who want a pretzel, huh . [ cheers and applause ] get on in there jimmy its great to see you. Im so excited to meet you. Were in the middle of a pretty big show right now do you know where wetzel gets all his delicious pretzels . Jimmy i do not. He rolls them. Out of dough. Jimmy oh. Gives the offspeed pitch, smacks a chopper into shallow right, and the cubs have a runner on base with no outs. Hey, johnny jimmy its jimmy. Hey, hey hey, johnny did you know that the last time the cubbies won the world series it was 1908 . Jimmy you know what, i did know that, thats a long time. Long time, 1908. In 1908 our president was Theodore Huxtable roosevelt. [ laughter ] did you know that . Jimmy i didnt americas top export was fruit rollups. [ laughter ] and the number one Television Show was the fresh prince of bel air. Starring the six Million Dollar man himself lee majors. Jimmy i didnt know we had television. None of that seems accurate at all. Madison russell gets a piece of that one, durham goes to second, two men on with none out. Jimmy no, this is interesting to me. Clearly youve been following baseball even though youve been you passed away in 1998. 1998 . Jimmy yeah. Jimmy well, if youre bringing attention to baseball, have you also been paying attention to the election . Hell, ill too busy putting the stones to janis joplin. Jimmy what . Really . Hold on. Yeah. I know. Huh . Jimmy i never no, i dont have a chance to tell anyone about it ever. Jimmy thats incredible. Ill tell you this much, jimmy johnny, sorry. You get past the armpit hair and shes all lady. Heart now baby jimmy dating in the afterlife, that is amazing. I wouldnt call it dating. Long slide to the wall, he goes back, he has it and the runners tagged, men on first and third, one out. Jimmy have you heard that donald trump is the republican candidate for president . What the are you trying to kill me again . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] watch out for crowds with machetes are they here . Jimmy no, theyre not here. Were talking about donald trump yeah, donald trump. Oh, boy. Back with it. I knew him when he would sneak into the press box and throw kennedy half dollar coins at the dominican players. Jimmy he did . Trumps got those little tiny mitts. [ laughter ] he looked like he was flinging silver dinr those things. Jimmy you know, we have another prominent its the contrast between the coins and the tiny jimmy i understand. President obama there are no cluowns here . Jimmy no clowns. President obama is from chicago, hes here on the show barack obama . [ cheers and applause ] hes a white sox fan but i forgive him. Jimmy thats very big of you. Do now that hes got some time . Jimmy what . Open a shrimp shack. Jimmy a what . Yeah. A shrimp shack. Jimmy a shrimp shack . Everybody loves shrimp, jeffrey. Jimmy jimmy. Theres something about them. Theyre tasty. He can call it something like, ohms world of shrimp. Jimmy oh, thats people digging in, enjoying their shrimp. He could come around. How are you enjoying your shrimp . Jimmy okay. Are they hot enough for you . Throw in a baked potato in tinfoil and we got ourselves a road win. Jimmy oh, that maybe some beer with the shrimp, i remember how much you loved that. Do they have beer in heaven . Hell, yes, they have beer. Not just any beer. Budweiser beer [ cheers and applause ] aimed, served in a metal can, just like its supposed to. Give it a sip. Jimmy no thanks, im all dont got no cooties. [ cheers and applause ] there you go. Jimmy yeah. You know what i say. Jimmy what . Why have one when you could have 12 . Budweiser the king of beer. Jimmy harry, before you go do me one favor. Vin scully was here. Right, yeah. Jimmy dodgers announcer. I remember him well, good kid. Jimmy im sure hell appreciate that. Years ago i hit a home run in a softball game and it was televised. For me. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to also do play by play for the clip of me hitting a home run. I dont know, i dont know [ cheers and applause ] i dont think so. Jimmy do you want to hear harry caray . [ cheers and applause ] all right. All right, timmy. All right. Roll it. Jimmy jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel. Roll it. Fat. I mean, if it starts raining we can dry the field with his uniform pants hes that big. Heres the pitch. He swings. Its a home run swings for the fences, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom the stadium is shaking jimmy its not. Obviously it wasnt built to code. Jimmy all right, we get it. The footsteps of a 900pound man. Hey, save some peanuts and crackerjacks for the rest of us. Jimmy harry caray, folks [ cheers and applause ] my pleasure. Jimmy yes. My pleasure. Night, everyone lets go, lets go, show Scottie Pippen how its done. A one and a two . Take me out to the ball game take me out to the crowds . Crackerjacks . . Dont give it to jimmy because he is too fat . . He has an eating disorder . Jimmy we have to take a break. President obama reads mean tweets. Stick around harry caray. . The Old Ball Game . 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Youll always be my true love, my true love, my true love, . . Forever . Jimmy welcome back to the show. President obama is here tonight. First before we get to that, Hillary Clinton got good news this weekend. According to the latest poll from abc news shes leading donald trump by 12 points. Women. A 3point lead with men. And a 20point lead among voters with college degrees. Although she is still significantly behind when it comes to men who have large plastic testicles dangling from the bumpers of their trucks. [ cheers and applause ] both Hillary Clinton and donald trump were at the Al Smith Dinner thursday night. This is an annual Charity Event in new york where the candidates will show up, politicians show up, to make jokes and give each other a little roasting. It started off but we slowed it down for another episode of drunk donald trump. [ tape playing slowly ] i wasnt really sure. If hillary was going to be here tonight. By email. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its all in the delivery, it really is. Whoever does win on november 8th will not have it easy. Being president is a tough job. Its one of the only jobs where you get a new Approval Rating every single day. Its really just president and uber driver, those are the only two. And now that we have this thing called social media, the president gets hundreds of judgments every hour day. Many of them unpleasant. Tonight once again president obama has agreed to read some of them for our secondever president ial edition of mean tweets. [ cheers and applause ] barack obama is the nickelback of president s. Obama couldnt negotiate getting a whopper without pickles. Woodstock dave. Hot dogs because hes gross. duckpunks. Just found out my daughter shares a birthday with obama. Puke. In caps. momoffourmunchkins. Barack obama dances like how his jeans look. You know, this jeans thing. This is so old. These are years ago, come on. My mom bought new conditioner and it sucks, it isnt even conditioning my hair, i blame obama. [ laughter ] barack obama, bro, do you even lift . Well, i lifted the ban on cuban cigars, thats worth something. [ cheers and applause ] barack obama is the sharknado of president s. Loud, stupid, and overhyped. President obama will go down as perhaps the worst president in the history of the United States, exclamation point. realdonaldtrump. Well, realdonaldtrump, at least i will go down as a president. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well be right back with president obama [ cheers and applause ] . . . . Only those who dare drive the world forward. Its back and bigger than ever Olive Gardens never ending pasta bowl, starting at 9. 99 endless combinations of your favorite pastas, sauces and toppings. And for the first time ever, chicken alfredo. Plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. For a limited time. Darien why have the latest smartphone if you cant use it wherever you go . Switch to u. S. Cellular for our best plan yet 7 gigs of data per line for only 49. To share more photos at your cabin or video chat at your secret fishing spot. All for just 49. The best part . We put towers in places the other guys dont. Because u. S. Cellular thinks you deserve a signal switch to u. S. Cellular and get a whopping 7 gigs of data per line [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, there, welcome back. You are here on a big night. The president of the United States is here. Hes backstage eating as many mozzarella sticks as he can before he she does not allow them in the white house. We have new shows this week with felicity jones, gordon ramsey, andrew garfield, mario batali, science bob pflugfelder, Jimmy Eat World so join us for all of that. [ cheers and applause ] i am very appreciative tonights guest can take time away from helping rig the election to join us tonight. He is the 44th president of the United States. Please accept his linkedin request. Please welcome president barack obama [ cheers and applause ] . [ cheers and applause ] thank you thank you jimmy how are you doing . Im doing great. Jimmy you seem like youre in a good mood lately. First of all, the mozzarella was terrific. Jimmy it was good, huh . [ laughter ] second of all, i think you know, that you pick on your audience a little bit during the breaks. Jimmy yeah, during the commercial breaks, yeah, i do, yeah. Youre kind of tough on them. Jimmy im not running for anything. Oh, wait, im running for Vice President ballot. Should have gotten some tips. Jimmy i should have. You should have called. Jimmy i called, nobody answered. Biden didnt take your call . Jimmy biden did not take the call. Literally no one took the call, it was remarkable. When was the last time you went through a metal detecter . I dont go through metal detectors. [ laughter ] i apply metal detectors. Or people do so for me. Jimmy when that day comes in the future, and it is going to come [ laughter ] you are going to be mad, arent you . Well you know, i keep jimmy right. So jimmy oh. Theyve got connections. Oh, so forever . Im not taking off my shoes. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy as i know you are a big sports fan, on ura white sox fan, are you really happy that the cubs are going to the world series . [ laughter ] yes. No, you know, i watched the end of the last game. Everybody was, i actually felt pretty good. Jimmy you did. I am rooting for my hometown team. Even though it is not my team. Jimmy its not your team. It is not my team. But you know, i was watching these press reports about how the last time they won a world series, Thomas Edison was still alive. [ laughter ] sliced bread had not been invented. So this was literally the best thing since sliced bread. For cubs fans. [ cheers and applause ] white sox got their championship a little over ten years ago so were feeling okay. Jimmy bill murray may be the premier cubs fan of all cubs fans, was in washington, d. C. This week. I happened to be there, we did a tribute to bill murray. He crashed the white house. He came into the oval office in a cubs shirt. And i dont usually allow that first of all, most people come with a shirt and tie. It was bill murray so i figure, i get no tie. But dont rub it in with the cubs jersey on. Jimmy im amazed by him. He pretty much does anything he wants. What he wants. Nobody checks him. Not even secret service. Jimmy metal detects him. It doesnt matter. Jimmy did you speak . Did you chat . Well, he had won the mark twain. Jimmy mark twain prize, will had won previously. I should mention by the way, will gets this prize, we do this photograph in the oval office. The Board Members presenting it, a big todo, then he leaves without the prize. [ laughter ] which you know, somehow the Board Members didnt find funny at all. [ laughter ] jimmy they didnt. Bill did not forget the prize. Jimmy he remembered the prize. We took the picture. Then he agreed to do a little about signing up for people who didnt have health care, signing up, because open enrollments coming up november 1st. We thought of a skit, we decide wed were going to putt on the carpet in the oval office. And somebody grabbed a glass, we were trying to putt in the glass. And he won repeatedly. I mean, he kept on the glass was rigged. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its happening a lot lately. I was a little frustrated. What makes matters worse, then hes giving me tips about putting. [ laughter ] serious. Hes all, no, i think your right hands a little too firm on the bill, youre a comedian, not a golfer. He took money from me. And i paid him 5. So basically the whole visit was a disaster. Jimmy you have money . Do you have any money right now . No, i have somebody. Jimmy you have somebody for [ laughter ] jimmy in the movies when the or tv when theres something going on, some big event in the world, somebody always says, wake the president. Yeah. Jimmy then somebody has to wake the president. Right. Jimmy does that happen . First of all. Well, first of all, i have a phone right by my bedside. Jimmy yes. And every morning, somebody calls and says, mr. President , its your 7 00 a. M. Wakeup call, and i pick it up. And it wor thats it. Jimmy nobody pokes his head in . No. Jimmy hopefully youre covered up or whatever . No. Look, there have been maybe three or four instances where you do get a call in the middle of the night. For example, when the typhoon hit japan. Fukushima. Jimmy right. Youre not sure exactly what is going to be happening, its the other side of the world, so its the middle of the night. We had to deploy our experts and any potential Nuclear Disaster was contained and we helped the japanese. So things like that will happen every once in a while. But for the most part jimmy they let you sleep . For the most part they let me sleep. Usually the real Serious Problems that come up are ones that weve anticipated. We can kind of see coming. Jimmy do you hate knock on wood, ive only got two or three months jimmy right. [ cheers and applause ] you have to be ready if something happens. Jimmy right, you have to be ready. But as ive mentioned before, what i dont do is like a 3 00 a. M. I dont tweet. Jimmy you dont tweet in the morning . About people who insulted me. I try to sleep so that in the morning im actually ready for crises. Jimmy the debate, you watched donald trump, do you ever laugh . Do you ever actually laugh . [ laughter ] most of the time. [ laughter ] jimmy did you ever actually watch that access Hollywood Billy bush tape . I did. Jimmy you did. I saw it. Jimmy where did you watch it . On tv . We were thi