That guy too hard and feel bad about it. No. Stephen when youre yelling, is it ever, like, are you okay . Im worried about you no, its more like, you shouldnt have said that about my momma stephen what i said nothing cheers and applause laughter Michael Strahan, thank you so much for being here collection by Michael Strahan is available exclusively at j. C. Penney, everybody Michael Strahan, everybody well be right back cheers and applause youd see how often you cough all day and so would everyone else. New robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to twelve hours. New robitussin 12 hour cough relief. { sfx rocket sfx rocket blasting off sfx countdown 3, 2, 1 rocket dad, you can just drop me off right here. Oh no, ill take you up to the front of the school. Thats where your friends are. Seriously, its, its really fine. You dont want to be seen with your dad . No, its. No. This about a boy . Dad stop, please. Oh, theres tracy. What [ horn honking ] [ tires screech ] bye dad it brakes when you dont. Forward collision warning and autonomous emergency braking. Available on the newly from volkswagen. Moderate to severe Crohns Disease is tough, but ive managed. Except that managing my symptoms was all i was doing. And when i finally told my doctor, he said humira is for adults like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe Crohns Disease. And that in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. And many achieved remission. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, remission ,, cheers and applause i stephen welcome back, everybody long time viewers of the show know that im a practicing catholic. And while i usually go to church, im often way too busy rituals. For instance, ive been putting off last rites for years. I heard thats a good one. And the ritual i miss most is confession. Theres something about climbing into that dark wooden box that just makes me feel so alive. So, i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. You wont tell anybody, right . No stephen i didnt think so. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. organ music boo now for the record im not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Sorry. I nodded off there for a second. Forgive me, audience. When i see a story that another species has gone extinct, i wonder what it tasted like. laughter audience. I have a fair amount of gay friends, but sometimes i worry that i havent made enough gay enemies. laughter audience, sometimes when im out to dinner with my wife, i propose, so theyll give us free dessert. laughter my email address is still karategod69 aol. Com. laughter every time i make a bologna a first name, its oscar. Then, when i eat it, i whisper to the sandwich, im eating you, oscar. laughter sometimes i lie awake at night, afraid ill die before i get to use all my forever stamps. laughter i can still name all four teletubbies, and have done so in my will. laughter i dont understand why its not called a pants suit when a man wears it. laughter am i not supposed to wear the pants . laughter i saw something, so i said something. But the thing i said wasnt the laughter sometimes, i use slang that i dont understand to connect with young people. I guess im just woke like that, on fleek, bye felicia. laughter applause i have this weird feeling that once when i was drunk i got a tattoo in a place i cant see. laughter oh, daffy and bugs, why would you fight over that . laughter i like to yell bingo even when i dont have bingo, and am not playing bingo. laughter i know youre never supposed to put plastic in the microwave, legos. laughter when i get on an elevator, and someone comes running up to catch it, i always act like i tried to hold it for them. Oh, the buttons not working. Im so sorry laughter cheers and applause i didnt go anywhere near that button. laughter bingo laughter every time i say, well be right back, i really mean after about three minutes of commercials. laughter forgive me, audience. We forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with samantha bee. What happens when lobster gets grilled, baked, and paired with even more lobster . You get hungry. And you count the seconds until red lobsters lobsterfest is back with the largest variety of lobster dishes of the year. Like new dueling lobster tails with one tail stuffed with crab, and the other with langostino lobster macandcheese, its a party on a plate and you know every bite of lobster lovers dream lives up to its name. Hey, eating is believing. So stop dreaming donkey sound elephant sound theres a big difference between making noise, tapping sound and making sense. elephant sound donkey sound when it comes to Social Security, we need more than lip service. Our next president needs a real plan to keep Social Security strong. elephant noise hey candidates. Enough talk. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. My next guest was the longest serving correspondent on the daily show and is premiering her brand new show full frontal with samantha bee this monday on tbs. Please welcome samantha bee. Stephen come on look at that the people love samantha bee oh, my gosh cheers and applause stephen thats nice. Nice to see you. Eth like old hopeful week. It really is. I feel so comfortable here. Stephen the show starts monday night 10 30, tbs. Yes. Stephen youre down to the wire here. Yes. Stephen are you feeling like let me at them or holy crap whats about to happen . Its no, put the show on the air now, please we have been prepping it for so long, its so exciting to actually be able to put one on and you sit back and let the helpful commentators roll in. Stephen they are so nice. Read all the youtube comments, you will sleep better at night. laughter i think so. Stephen interviews . Interviews, a pretty big field component because, as you know, thats what i like to do. Stephen i still think of field to this day. I was the wrongest serving correspondent until you came along. Mostly in my field pieces, i really bite your style, anyway. Stephen you bite my style . I do. Thats a term all the kids say. Stephen im not sure you can say that on cbs. Im flattered, then. I learned my craft from watching you. Stephen did you . laughter stephen did you ever feel bad about the interviews you had to do at the at the daily show . I did for a nanosecond, then i felt good because i have a very Strong Canadian work ethic. Stephen canadians are nice people. No, inside we have hearts of stone. Became an american citizen. I did im voting for the first time. Stephen congratulations i feel like a total dork. I cant wait to get my sicker. Stephen a sticker that says im canadian and they let they do stephen let me talk about your friend. Senor hottie. I have a photo of him dressed canadians do. Stephen is he actually dressed as a jaunty pirate . Yes. Stephen really . He is not afraid to go there. He is not afraid to go there. laughter stephen well, youve already started covering the election in your shows which start monday and somei have a clip of something that hasnt happened yet. What . Stephen can we share from one of your preshows . Yep. Election, praise and promise coming your way but another nail biter with a selfdescribed socialist named bernie. Right. How did that happen . laughter laughter well, chris, turns out the old witch i promised chelsea to wasnt as powerful as i thought i guess maybe i just underestimated the bonedeep sexism of the American People ha ha ha ha ha ha was what she wanted to say, but what she actually said was. Look, its a great country. Chris, you better hope that woman never finds the precious. laughter cheers and applause stephen speaking of bone deep sexism, obviously youve got a lot of questions like you are going to be the only woman you go on the air. Yes. Stephen congratulationons that. cheers and applause yes. Stephen but, i mean, listen, do you get tired of that question . Why do i have to, you know, bear the weight of being a woman quite honestly before i started this process, i didnt even know women could talk. So turns out they can. Stephen thats amazing. Congratulations. You from time to time. Stephen do you, really . I do. Stephen sometimes and sri womanly hips, so im halfway there. Yes. I do notice that you do reference your own man parts with a pretty astonishing frequency. Stephen occasionally. No, i think more than stephen i used to but not so much anymore. Not on cbs. I think more than average. I brought a clip with me if you want to roll it, actually. Any child kicking last at kick ball gets to kick the kicker in the ball also. Theres no server that has its not the size, its how you display it. Weve reached a happy ending of a cockus tease. You, sir, have some whaifos rancheros. It takes balls to write this kind of musical. One penissippi, two. A threeballer, charlie. Were only six days away from the voting in iowa which means this is the last week cbs will let me say caucus on the air. laughter caucus. All right. I will miss being able to say that. Yes. Stephen why cant you do that . I mean, no, i can do that. I can reference myself, cant i . Stephen you have to come with euphemisms. You do. You dont want to destroy the minds of all the children who are watching. Stephen exactly. I understand youve brought a list of off misms for us to go through. I have. Stephen can i share . Yes. Stephen these are euphemisms a female comedienne can use to refer to her bathing suit area that that will pass muster. I like the motion. Stephen be accurate. Yes. Stephen euphemisms for what you got i aint got. Ready . Yes. Go. Lady garden. Floral stephen hoohoo. Heehee. Stephen hahhah. Department of the interior. Thats classy. Stephen she who shall not be named. Keys. Thats just for me. Theyre safe there. Stephen always the last place you look. Yep. Stephen the chamber of secrets. Oh, oh dear the envelope, please. Stephen ferngully. Canyon of heroes. Stephen ark of the covenant. Velour bouncy castle. Thats nice stephen mrs. Bojangles. Hurt locker. Thats sad. Thats dark. Stephen tavern on the green. Sams club. Personalize it. Stephen im sad to say, im not a member. laughter stephen full frontal with samantha bee premieres this monday at 10 30 on tbs. Good luck. Youre going to rock it. It will be great well be right back. We brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. To keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. Feels like a bmw. Reminds me a little bit of like an audi. So, this car supports apple carplay. Siri, open maps. She gets me. Wow. It also has teen driver technology. It even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. Im very curious what it is. This is the 2016 chevy malibu. And it sells for . It starts at twentytwo five. What . Oh wow. I mean with all this technology. Give extra. Get extra. There was a giant made by men. Not from flesh and bone. But bricks and mortar, paper and ink. Its eyes couldnt see. Its heart couldnt beat. It was too big to fail. And too big to succeed. This is the beginning of a bankless world. Dont bank. Sofi. Announcement this storm promises to be the biggest of the decade. With total accumulation of up to three feet. Roads will be shut down indefinitely. And schools are closed. Campbells soups go great with a cold and a nice red. When things look the bleakest, heroes find a way. One way or another. Something s wrong. I m gonna getcha getcha, getcha, getcha. Oh, my god. One way bomb. Or another i m gonna getcha, i ll getcha. I knew you d save the day. laughs one way. ,, if you had a dollar for every dollar Car InsuranceCompanies Say theyll save you by switching, youd have like a ton of dollars. But how are they saving you um. Or no comment. Then theres esurance born online, raised by technology andp majors in efficiency. So whatever they save, you save hassle, time, paper work, hair tearing out and, yes, especially dollars. Thats auto and Home Insurance for the modern world. Esurance. Backed by allstate. Lips appear to age faster than other skin. No worries. Now, theres new chapstick total hydration. Its 100 natural, age defying formula is clinically proven to provide healthier, more youthful looking lips. Chapstick put your lips first we call ourselves the greenwood runners. The open water paddlers. The hike life trail club. For us its not about running faster. Its about being out here together. The feeling is hard to describe. You cant put put into words. But we dont have to. For friends who come together to reach for better. We brew a superior tasting light beer with fewer carbs and calories. Michelob ultra. Stephen here performing, random name generator, from their Grammy Nominated album, star wars. Please welcome, our friends, wilco cheers and applause come on, listen to the wheel this way i belong to the stars in the day i ran away eternal instigator well, i was old i remember the milky way, why . I belong to the stars in the sky random name random name generator random name generator here, lonely in the coldest night somebody hold me in the Diamond Light a narrator mr. Narrator i want a name and a newborn child a miracle only ever grows wild it is a book instigator a random name generator i kinda like it when i make you cry a random name random name generator i change my name every once in a while a miracle every once in a while i create, i am a flame a flame creator a random name generator come on, cuff me to the weed with some wine if i miss your breeze or you miss mine i kinda like it when i make you cry while come on, cuff me to the weed with some wine i think i miss my family i cheers and applause thanks so much. Stephen wilco, everybody star wars well be right back. ,,, stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be actor bobby cannavale, advertising legend donny deutsch, and a musical performance by charles kelley. But before we go, jeff tweedy, it is 12 30, would you play us a lullaby . I would be happy to. Before you drift off on an ocean of dreams listen to the dark and the song that it sings imaginate everythings ok tomorrows going to be a great day sometimes youre scared, then youre not scared sometimes you worry and then you dont care sometimes you cry and then youre ok tomorrows going to be a great day youre friends will be beside you tomorrows going to be a great da nobodys gonna leave you tomorrows going to be a great day tomorrows going to be a great day stephen thanks, jeff tweedy. Thank you. Now stick around for james corden. Goodnight cheers and applause reggie are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from give it up for your host the one, the only, James Corden James thank you james we are three days away hello, good evening and welcome to the late late show. Thanks for being here, thanks for staying up for us i appreciate it very much. And ladies and gentlemen, we are three days away from the super bowl, one of the most fun days of the year. But cheering and applause james i also want to celebrate with you. But before we celebrate, theres something we simply cant ignore. Lets take a look at an event that was not so fun, at least this is how jeb bushs speech ended at a rally in New Hampshire yesterday i think next president needs to be a lot quieter but send a signal that were prepared to act in the National Security interests of this country to get back in the interest of creating a more peaceful world. Please clap. James i mean, how would this guy ran a country . How is he supposed to handle isis . Guys, please stop im begging you. Its getting rude at this point. Id love to see what jeb bush was like in high school. Do you know what i mean . I imagine on his first date he was like, i had a really good time tonight. Please kiss. [ laughing ] i think were looking at this the wrong way. Jeb bush should embrace this. Please clap should become jeb bushs new Campaign Slogan his previous slogan, now do you love me, dad . [ laughing ] james but if you think this storys depressing, check out this one. It was released this week that the girl scouts had booked this years super bowl stadium for a massive slumber party. However, days ago, the 49ers canceled that sleepover so they could host a more profitable event. I know, it sucks i dont want to say the girl scouts are upset, but one of them is planning on getting a new badge in cutting a bitch. The 49ers arent the only ones that need a little little bit of cash. The city of San Francisco is going 4. 9 million over budget. Golden gate bridge to the Golden Gate Bridge stone tires bridge or we here on the late late show have all new ways of doing it on the cheap just do shirts and skins. Cam newton is going to double your ratings. Although you risk a topless peyton manning. Lady gaga, instead of the panthers playing the broncos, just let the real panther fight a horse. It may be the same odds as the game. Your super bowl has a giant surface that isnt covered with an ad Peyton Mannings forehead. Look at that money maker or when all else fails, instead bush. Please clap. James can we see who our guests are tonight . In the purple room you know him from miranda, rush, and the new hit show lucifer; the the brilliant mr. Tom ellis is here tonight. I was doing my flower arranging. James its what all british guys do this time of night look at this guy, i mean can you ever imagine being that handsome . I guess technically, im looking at tom like were really the same species. Get back to your flowers. James in the orange room she is an actress, producer, director, and writer; the talented, beautiful and very busy, eva longoria cheering and applause james eva. Hi. James what is that . St. The prepie foot you have back here. James reggie makes all that food first thing in the morning dont you rej . Reggie not anymore. I know its not quinoa like youjf like. James ladies and gentlemen, eva longoria. cheering and applause james and we have some incredible music for you later tonight. 5 seconds of summer are here with their charttopping hi