Amazon prime order history 12 6packs of febreeze plugins . What smells are you covering up . And wikiwick. Whats this . Cannot connect to internet. Check network. All right. All looks good. That all seems in order. Whats up . Ill just reenter my username putinpal16. And password sexyghostman. Damn it. Whats wrong . Senor assange, the nation of ecuador does not support you intervening in the u. S. Election. No more internet. Also, you cannot just leave your laundry on the floor and expect the ambassador it to clean up after you. Pick up those socks stephen no internet fine. Good thing i printed out hillarys emails. Pigeon. laughter upo fly, wikipigeon, fly its the the late show with stephen colbert. Tonight, stephen womans hugh laurie, paul reiser. And nate silver. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live the theater in new york city, its badge a trois the late shows live debate coverage, the final donstallment. Late stephen good to see you jon hey, yeah yeah stephen come on whats up, chris . Whats going on, paul . Hey, marcus whats up . Lets keep it live. Thank you very much. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen oh, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thats nice. Thank you very much. Welcome to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show broadcasting live from the ed sullivan theater. Im tonights moderator, stephen colbert. We just witnessed the third and final president ial debate because twos not quite enough, and i think four would make us go cannibal. Now, lets see. Election is rigged. And i where to say there was some evidence tonight. Look what it said behind hillary, right there rigged that didnt look good. I didnt make that up. You cant make that up. You cant make that up. Jon you cant do that. Stephen and though it came halfway through the debate tonight, i think the defingative moment of the evening, of election, of the american experiment, came when Chris Wallace asked donald trump if he would accept the results of the election on november 8, and trump had this to say. Are you saying youre not prepared now to commit to that principle . What im saying is, ill tell you at the time. Ac ill keep you in suspense. laughter applause word . Thats horrifying. Stephen thank youing thank you cheers and applause thank you i just i want to make sure i heard that correctly. Jimmy, can i hear that one more time . Ill keep you in suspense. Stephen oh oh, suspense democracys going to end in a cliffhanger. I guess were all going to have to wait until november 9 to fint if donald trump is the mood for a peaceful transfer of power. Or if hes going to wipe his fat ass with the constitution. cheers and applause jon oooh ooooh stephen with trumps controversial statements about not accepting the results of the election, i do not envy his conway, and im being told we have foot annual of her taking questions from reporterred in the spin room. Shes good. Shes really good. Jon she got that vibe stephen shes really good. I but, you know, i dont want to give away how i feel about the rest of the debate. Ill keep you in suspense. To psyche out their opponents, each candidate brought special guests tonight. H youre allowed to bring people in to sit in the audience for halfbrother, malik, which i think means the president s halfbrother had sex with bill clinton . Eo im not entirely sure. T then late tonight, trump also revealed that he was adding sarah palin to his invite list. Im not sure how he got palin to interrupt her busy schedule of. Im gonna say shooting killer whales with a bazooka laughter applause now, now, i was surprised trumpn agreed to debate in vegas, especially at the university of nevada, because he hasnt had a lot of luck with casinos or universities. Re cheers and applause and remember, this was trumps last chance to make an impression on undecided voters. People who havent heard about him in the last 16 months. And crab fishermen who have been swept out to sea. He and with trump far behind Hillary Clinton in the polls, he really needed her to make a critical mistake tonight, like, mispronounce the word america, or shoot Sully Sullenberger in the face, or Something Like that. And they both came, you know, looking their best. Jon right. Stephen donald trump wore his trademark red power tie,u while Hillary Clinton came dressed as star trek deep not a bad look. Not a bad look. Right off the bat, trump painted a grim picture of a clinton presidency. I believe if my opponent should win this race can which i truly dont think will happen we will have a Second Amendment which will be a very, very small replica of what it is right now. Stephen yes, a tiny rep replica of the second amendmen mint, so small. On the plus side, at least then it will fit his tiny, tiny hands. Where is it . Where is it . Hillary clinton did not shy away from this tough issue about supporting gun control legislation. I was upset because, unfortunately, dozens of toddlers injure themselves, even kill people, with guns. Stephen now, if i heard that correctly, Hillary Clinton killing people equals bad. I dont know where she finds the courage to say things like that. On the subject of immigration, hotbutton issue, this year and really every election year, trump was not afraid to take the Current Administration to task. President obama has deported millions and millions of people just the way secretary. Stephen yeah, obama deported millions and millions and donald trump thinks thats. Ns good . Trump just praised obama . I dont that border wall better be tall just to keep out the flying pigs. laughter cheers and applause ll it was surprising. Throughout the debate, somehow trump found time to tweet repeatedly. It was pretty surprising, but at were. laughter applause you dont know. Its like this. You dont know whats going on with his hands the whole time. You dont know. He could have been churning butter. He could have been churning butter the entire time, obviously. Thats right, thats right. Thats exactly right. Its a familyfriendly live show. Jon yup,ium. , yup. Stephen the two of te politicians got into a bit of an argument about w pirputins bidding. Thats because hed rather have a puppet. No puppet. Youre the puppet. Its pretty clear you wont admit that the russians no, youre the puppet. Stephen youre the puppet. No, youre the puppet. Youre the puppet. Youre the puppet. Youre the puppet cheers and applause i love you so much. I love you so much. Oh, you love me, too that was less juvenile than theo debate. M applause trump this one wants to churn some butter. laughter trump its a puppet grow up trump had some tough questions about Hillary Clintons record. The problem is you talk but you dont g a hillary. You dont. Just like when you ran the state department. 6 billion was missing. How do you miss 6 billion . Stephen oh, i know that one open six casinos. cheers and applause now, trump was quick to shoot downtown Sexual Assault accusations against him, of course,. Mr. Trump. Nobody has more respect for stephen thats why i used tictaces. Its out of respect. Nobody wants to be groped and have bad breath, okay. Secretary clinton went after donald trump for his tendency to blame his losses on everything being rigged against him. Then Trump University gets sued for fraud and racketeering, he claims the court system and the federal judge is rigged against him. There was even a time when he didnt get an emmy Program Three years in a row, and he started tweeting that the emmys were rigged. Should have gotten it. laughter . Stephen yeah. He may have a point there. He may have a point there. With the emmys. I im beginning to suspect those Television Award may be controlled by members of the media. And, you know, donald, you really should get one. Theyre fantastic. cheers and applause i love you. Theyre great ti it really is. I think this year, he might get one. Trump lost to the amazing race. This year it could go to the amazing racist. And, trump, i gotta say, trump did do a decent job holding his baser instincts in check, but at the end, he let fly when hillary talked about tax reform. My Social Security payroll contribution will go up, as will donalds, assuming he cant figure out how to get out of it. But what we want to do is replenish such a nasty woman. Stephen oh, yeah. So nasty. Also, quick reminder no one respects women more than me. cheers and applause so nasty. So nasty. Donald trump. Miss jackson, if youre nasty. So it was an hour and a half or a year and a half and in the end, Chris Wallace, i believe, proved himself to be an insightful moderator who. Summed up everything we needed to say. Hold on, folks. This doesnt do any good for anyone. Ug applause and just like that and just like that, he described trumps whole campaign. We have a great show for you tonight. Stick around. Hugh laurie is here. But first, im going to talk about trumps allegation that dead people are voting, with a surprise guest. Stick around. Can i see those things . T baby. Stick around. Can i see those things . Can i see those . Ingz come on, ov im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Even if youre not a customer. . . . . Enjoy your phone you too. inner monologue all right, be cool. You got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at t. What . . Aand you got unlimited data because you have directv . . Okay, just a few more steps. Its cool get the iphone 7 on us and unlimited data applause jon jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up. Welcome back, everybody. Welcome back to our live postdebate show. Going into tonights debate, donald trump has been telling his voters and his supporterthe election is rigged. Rally in green bay, wisconsin which finally explains why hes been wearing that cheesehead and he told the crowd about the most sinister rigging of all. More than 1. 8 million deceased individuals right now are listed as voters. Oh, thats wonderful. booing well, if they are going to vote for me, we will think about it, right . But i have a feeling theyre not going to vote for me. Of the 1. 8 million, 1. 8 million believe donald trump, all the dead people are voting for clinton. And if you believe his claims about her health shes one of them. laughter applause now, everyone, everyone everyone who is not donald trump says that voter fraud is incredibly rare. In fact, a comprehensive study of votes cast since 2000 found that there were only 31 credible incidents of voter fraud out of 1 billion ballots cast. 31 in a billion. Coincidentally, also Gary Johnsons odds of winning the presidency. Fight the good fight well, i wanted to find out if the dead are really voting, so i did what any journalist would do. I sacrificed an intern to the elder gods, and reached through the veil of death to communicate with a 19th century voter. cheers and applause please welcome, live via satellite, horace mcnulty. Mr. Mcnulty thank you for joining us live via satellite. Happy to be here, stephen, but im not technically live via satellite. Stephen thank you. So horace, i hope we didnt take you away from anything important. No, playing golf with Marilyn Monroe and julius ceasar. W stephen really . Who won . No one. We each got 18 holes in one. Heaven is incredibly boring. Stephen okay. So, horace, what do you make of Donald Trumps claims that the dead are all voting for democrats . Well, im actually a lifelong republican. Stephen oh, you support trump . No. A life long republican. Im a deathlongl independent. Stephen what are the issues . Health care. If i had any id still be alive. Stephen you chid from a preventible disease . Have they found a treatment for sucked into a wheat thrasher. Im for hillary all the way. Stephen trump is right, the system is rigged . Its not rigged. You look at the options. Gary johnson, jill stein. They dont have a chance in friends down there. Alan, enjoy the fire, buddy. Shouldnt have pushed me in that wheat thrasher. Im on tv stephen let me get this straight. Trump does not appeal to you at all. Oh, sure, i loved trump, on the apprentice. But as president , no. Dear god, even in my day we didnt treat women like that. Back then, a womans best career option was dying in child birth. Stephen sound like a rough time. Hillary clinton. Yes, indeed, we all are. Even bernie sanders. laughter Stephen Horace, horr abernie standers isnt dead . Right. laughter er Stephen Horace mcnulty, everybody. Well be right back with somebody completely different, hugh laurie mcnulty, everybody. Well be right back with . Lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for 349 a month. Only at your lincoln dealer. Initiating retrieval sequence. Astronauts can vote from space. Take a break from the election with red or blue tea. Make time for snapple. . . . . Thunder . . . . Thunder . cheering on tv you may write me down in history, with your bitter, twisted lies. You may trod me in the very dirt, but still like dust, i rise. You can shoot me with your words. You can cut me with your lies. From a ranchers perspective, we feel that often washington is removed from what we need. Senator bennet is different. Michael bennet has been at the ready and always willing to listen. When the federal government wanted to increase grazing fees, senator bennet stepped up and helped put a stop that. He commits to his word, and that means a lot to a guy like me. Im a republican, but i know that Michael Bennet trusts us and we trust him. Im Michael Bennet applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a multitalented brit who american audiences know mostly as house. He now stars in the t psychological drama, chance. He knows how to game the system. He is the system. And yet, i will not accept this problem cannot be solved. I will not. Stephen please welcome hugh laurie. cheers and applause . . . What an honor. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Stephen walk like a man who trod the boards. You really know how to take a stephen no. I did a little bit. I was giddy. I was gidding with excitement. Its so incredible to be here inspect look at this. Stephen isnt it a beautiful space . Extraordinary, isnt it. Its an honesttogod broadway theater. Thats the stuff of nightmare. Stephen did you did you watch the debate backstage . I certainly did, avidly. Stephen avidly . Yeah. Stephen any quick impressions . Plenty, and i feel i have to keep to from here. Stephen but you live in los angeles. But im not a citizen. Im very aware of being a guest in this beautiful country. Stephen what are you holding back for . Wed love to have you. Well, thank you. Stephen whats not tos love . Well, all right, all right. Ry hes unspeakable. laughter en cheers and applause o hes absolutely and yet he just keeps speaking. And yet he will continue tow stephen really extraordinary. You you played dr. House, obviously, for many years, popular on television in the world for many years. And now you play another doctor, eldon chance, on the series chance on hulu. Hes a forensic psychiatrist . Neuropsychiatrist. Stephen neuropsychiatrist, okay. As a forensic neuropsychiatrists could you diagnose either of these candidates . laughter . I mean, i am pretending in the show. I didnt study i wouldnt difference. Great, great, well, then just dazzle me with b. S. I would say i mean, it may be too late but for trump i would suggest breast feeding. laughter applause stephen he might take you up on it. I think he might go along with that. Stephen warn the woman first, though. Treatment, obviously. Hillary im more puzzled by im not puzzled by hillary, im puzzled by the people who hate hillary hate her so much. I feel as if its one as if ive come in ive missed the first reel of the film where she burned down the orphanage, or something. laughter and the whole audience is just like this. And i just dont know but she seems fine to me. What why i dont know. So its, obviously, a thing im not eat. Stephen it was the 90s. Was it. Stephen it was a d time. When she forced us to wear the parachute pants. Hammer dont hurt him, that was her. My only prescription for her would be maybe a soft, vertical stripe laughter . Stephen going up her body. Her entire body. Nothing to do with her clothes. Her clothes, i just think that im getting yeah. described yourself as not really from here even though you lived here a lot. People are really people are mad and kind of depressed and is there any bright spot that you as something of an outsider can sort of see in america, to make us happier . Yes. Yes. I mean, i think this whole election has been sold to the people on the basis of incipient disaster. And i think its absolutely im sorry, what was that . One of us went to cambridg i heard you speaking latin this afternoon. So just, you know, dont play that on me. laughter . Stephen speaking latin . There guagain. And i dont think its right. I dont think the world is not as grim as people theres profit in saying that the world is coming to an end, and its not actually the case. Stephen eventually it will. I suppose, i suppose. But the American Voter is not you are going to be killed applause im sorry. Stephen thats a cheap clap. It is. Stephen youre not gonna die anybody im saying the American Voter will be killed by diabetes, for example. laughter th i mean, thats just a fact. Thats just the way it is. applause and and we have knot to fight diabetes wherever they are. And if isis were halfway decent at their job, they would be opening a chain of shops. If thats really but fortunately, theyre very dim, and they havent sort of worked that out. I think there are all sort of i was kay cab a cab. No limos . Youre a star. Youre one of the biggest stars in the world. Every now and then i like to see no. Stephen just making sure. I was in a cab. And the guy was looking at me in the mirror, and he said, i want to ask you a question. Agency. And, of course, its los angeles so i thought everybody wants to be an act oobviously, everybody. And i said, well, what kind of an agency are you looking for . And he said, one where i could maybe work as a lookalike. And i was going, okay, who do you think you look like . And he said, well, as you can see, im middle eastern. He didnt actually said middle eastern, he said middle esatr