>> these hearings will be like the o.j. trial where people took sides very quickly. greg: just like the o.j. trial, and i'm marcia clark. i don't think you will get a thrill up your leg from this. >> i worried about what i heard. i heard a staff person. after i heard of this conversation. what i can do here for you today is tell you what i heard from people. greg: that's what you call a herd of heards. if that was a -- if that is a blockbuster, brian stelker is a gymnast. so we finished the first installment of what i like to call -- up schiff's creek. a desperate dolt -- did you hear an ambassador got fired. joint clubbing with lady, that's life. i got fired three times and all i got was drunk. how clueless do you have to be to be shocked by getting fired by a guy who hosted a show in which the catch phrase was "you're fired." maybe that's why she got fired. she never watched county apprentice. it doesn't matter why. now she claims she is intimidated and upset by trump's words. boo-hoo. the last time i checked having an intimidating world leader is kind of a plus. we saw it comingw with schiff in charge. it's like giving a backhoe to a drunk teenager and telling him to dig his own grave. you have witnesses who witness nothing and say things based on hearsay based on hearsay. it wasn't a hearing. it was a seance. >> adam schiff gives himself a. he talk before the impeachment hearings. adam, do this right i'll buy an ice cream. don't forget your lunch. my juice box. >> i packed it this morning. greg: that's so unnecessary. the magic bean is impeachment, a process look for a crime. the crime of foreign call where one leader with piles of money asks another leader with piles of corruption to investigate corruption before getting the money. all the president is doing is what presidents do. i want something from you, i do something for you. do you want a leader that's that compromised. that's what made this mess backfire under hunter biden. and who does he remind you of? pretty close. pretty close. hunter made $50,000 a month as a boob. they are like a director after their movie bombed blaming the audience because they are the director. they take it personally, blaming us for rejecting their nonsense. right, adam? >> and now adam schiff tries to order a pizza. >> what can i get you. >> food please, right away. >> what's your address. >> why do you need that. >> you going to order something or what? >> how did you get this number. >> you called me. >> all right, i will have a charge cheese. greg: it used to be all about that media safe word that's supposed to freeze us in our tracks. >> quid pro quo. quid pro quo. nice production values. but that's another way of saying light, leverage. we all use it. it's the engine of daily function. if i ask my assistant to fetch me a gram of goat tranquilizer i don't have to say fetch me a gram of goat tran if -- tranqur else. the paycheck is leverage. it's constant. as we are doing adult foreign policy, trump kept hearing about the anonymous resisters deep inside the white house. they are like rats in the walls. so he had a phone call, not a secret, and heard by many that it prompted its own boring miniseries. did he break laws? did he violate a norm? trump's entire presidency is about violating norms. just ask this fella. >> one regular and one highly irregular. the irregular one. both the regular and i are regular. regular, irregular. >> irregular lahr efforts. the irregular lahr channel, irregular lahr channel. the. greg: somebody needs the metamucil. it's fiber time. that was roughage. it's all about giving the finger to the lifers who find trump and his ilk so unseemly. that's what impeachment is all about. having mean boss who doesn't give a [bleep] about your feeling. >> adam schiff watches a cat video for the first time. >> adam, you have got to see this cat video. >> there is something wrong with this dog. >> it's a cat. adam have you never seen a cat before? >> cat? is that a spanish word for dog? >> musical cats? everyone knows that one. >> i know that one, the single dog. greg: let's welcome tonight's guest. retired u.s. marine corps joey jones. why the long face, rob long. she is good with the word and demand to be heard. host of "sincerely kat" kat timpf. my massive sidekick and host on fax nation, tyrus. joey, what were the hearings about this week? because i don't have a clue? >> what were they about? i think they were about if you have a purple heart you should set policy with ukraine. that's what the democrats were alluding to. tough a purple heart from vietnam or your daddy's today they's daddy served in war. it's not about what happened, but why who does or doesn't like it. that being said as the guy in the world with the purple heart respect the man for his service, don't respect the man over the president's idea of policy. so president trump has the ability to set policy on this. even ambassador taylor. it never dawned on him the quid pro quo. he doesn't like the fact that trump was about to rock his boat. greg: i don't have a purple heart, but i have an enlarged one. isn't that better? >> i think it's a normal sized heart. greg: in a small body. >> there we go. greg: that was good comedy. >> it's okay. greg: you used work at "cheers." but you have got to admit -- i want it. greg: you have to admit, adam schiff is a godsend to tom shillue. >> shillue, it's the part he was born to play. it's a gigantic mistake. we are watching them look for an answer. you never go to trial for that unless you already have the answer. it looks like they are wasting our time and that's something people don't forgive. kat: it's the biggest waste of time ever, because nobody's mind is change. democrats want trump out, republicans want trump in. that's still the case and i think it will remain the case. lawmakers waste time all the time. this one pisses we off because i'm expected to watch it. very boring television. greg: there is stuff democrats do that's boring that we don't have to watch. it's not historical. it's hysterical. all right, tyrus. tyrus: greg: i will be honest with you. you gave me the week to come back with discoveries from what's it called? impeachment? i went to the cayman islands. and i asked around. and everyone was like impeachment? they thought it was asking for a drink. they don't really care. i any joey made the per text --k joey made the perfect point. i watched 3 minutes of ambassador taylor. i watched a few minutes of it. and what it came down to we have done things a certain way for a long time and no other president has ever bothered us. this guy is not using us. that's why everything he talked by heard from a guy who heard from a guy because he's not in the game, he's on the sideline. they are saying we are the go-to guys for ukraine and they are not using us so obviously something must be wrong. so the democrats try to jump on that. what's he doing wrong? he's not talking to us. whew! in my neighborhood if i say i heard from a herd. and we are impeaching over this. they are impeaching over this. this is just a really embarrassing time to be an american. whenever you talk about america, people say what's going on over there? greg: it's going to continue next week. i can hardly wait. i will be drunk every day. you may run to the bridge now. 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[♪] hopeless flirt. it was sexy, rob, admit it. hillary, hillary, hillary. >> i just noted. she doesn't not look like tom shillue. two things. one is the idea that she is hearing many, many, many voices, that's scary. someone should check on her. she is sitting there alone, what? like that movie sybil where you have multiple personalities. she goes, i'm going to run for president. who are you? the jokes aside. i think there are people who want her. if you were a clinton backer, it's been an expensive thing you bought. you don't buy an expensive car and let it sit in the garage. the sponsors, the guy can't go in the ring. the sponsor will say, put him in the ring. i paid a lot for that. a lot of people give him a lot of money and say you will do it one more time. maybe she is right. questioning * maybe the many, many, many -- greg: maybe the many, many, many voices are all the women in bill clinton's black book. kat: hillary clinton hates trump, right? why is she starting to try and talk exactly like him. like many, many, many people are telling you to run? many people are saying is how trump starts off 30% of his sentences. then the savage attacks. she went after tulsi gabbard. but the problem is only trump can be trump. she is so obsessed with him that she is starting to emulate his behaviors. but she is not good at it. she attacks tulsi gabbard and use got way more popular. that's not the way it's supposed to work. it's not the way it worked for me in high school. but it's okay. i don't carry inmore. it's okay, erika. greg: knowing product ads, 50% more raisins. but you don't add more fish smell to a fish. kat: i have been doing something wrong. day russ -- tyrus: if i'm the head coach of the democratic party, i have to be drug tested a lot. the good news is for everybody who jumps in, the frontrunner will be excited to greet them and meet them because he doesn't know they haven't been in it. every time someone comes here, he says i am so happy they are here because he doesn't remember when they got in. i guess that's the good news, and the frontrunner will welcome you with open arms. greg: that's one less person who's going to vote for them. >> it's all about change the narrative. the democrats want hillary clinton to run. 30 people, we have 30 better people than hillary clinton this time. no one knows that unless you put them up next to her. greg: if she is not the frontrunner she has to compete. if she enters and she is number 7. that's humiliating. more humiliating than monica lewinsky. >> the guy whose in first place doesn't know he's in the race. greg: on that point, more after this. football. for your worst cold and flu symptoms, on sunday night and every night. nyquil severe. the nightime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, best sleep with a cold, medicine. 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[♪] aishah: live from "america's news headquarters." i'm aishah hasnie. five people are dead including three children from a shooting in a san diego home. authorities say the murder-suicide was sparked by a bitter divorce. the father is the suspected gunman. he was under a restraining order. a 3-year-old died at the scene, a 5-year-old and 9-year-old died at the hospital and an 11-year-old survived. researchers found that bypass surgeries and stents aren't more effective than drug therapy and lifestyle changes. this is the largest study with 5,000 participants from 37 countries. i'm aishah hasnie. now back to greg gutfeld. greg: shall his career be dead for a smack to the head. the nfl suspended myles garrett. it started when rudolph pulled on garrett's helmet. the incident led to a fight on the field, both teams were fined $250,000. that's more than i make in a week. myles garrett apologized to rudolph and called his actions unacceptable. maybe the nfl needs more peacemakers like my goose gary. he's always break up fights. i knew i would be able to use that footage. tyrus: you were on a far for four hours? greg: not by choice. community service. i hear the quarterback started it. tyrus: that quarterback made a lot of bad choices. four picks, cost the team the game. he attempted to relationship the helmet off the wrong guy. if you are going to rip the helmet off somebody make sure you are bigger than them before you start a fight. garrett showed him how to relationship a helmet off somebody when he picked his up by his helmet. the quarterback, he started it, tried to finish it. in football, when you lose the helmet it's time to put your hands up and walk away. >> what's picked? tyrus: you have got to [bleep] be kidding. garrett shouldn't have hit him with the helmet. but the quarterback did start it. it was retaliation. if you are in the street and two guys on on you and the guy who started it runs at you, it's not assault, it's retaliation. interest's an interception. the quarterback throws the ball to his team. and it's when sob the other team gets it without permission. >> the quarterback realizes he lost. you can see him calling the teach at recess for starting something. when you see him with his helmet off, he looks like he's the skinniest guy, the smallest guy in a bar fight. somehow a broadway dancer found himself in the octagon. oops? my haircut will get messed up. greg: it tells you how lucky you are. he's lucky he didn't kill that guy so we can talk about it. if he had bashed the guy's head in. >> it's football. you don't know who started it and when it started. there is some people on the web saying maybe rudolph had his hand stuff in garrett's facemask. that's a stretch. i couldn't tell. but this goes back to one simple thing. these are grown men who are asked to be viciously violent then asked to turn it off. the on place with the worse reputation than congress is the nfl. they don't know what they are from one day to the next. if it's colin kaepernick or things that happen on the field or off the field. they have to make an example out of myles garrett now. you have will smith making movies about them not telling us about brain injuries. myles garrett is theville crane an -- isthe villain and the vic. greg: kat i left this to you because this is your expertise. >> i like hockey. i know what icing is. fighting in hockey you basically get a little time out. but what i learned this week is in football you get a really long time out, like maybe a forever type out and you have to pay a lot of money, and then there is the rules for when you are not playing the sport, all of us go to jail. so like when i saw that, this looks like they are not getting arrested? you can whack someone? i did it in sports. i whacked him in the head in sports, your honor. greg: up next, genderless drinks. that's just what we need. i'm your 70lb st. bernard puppy, and my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. ahh no, come on. i saw you eating poop earlier. hey! my focus is on the road, and that's saving me cash with drivewise. who's the dummy now? whoof! whoof! so get allstate where good drivers save 40% for avoiding mayhem, like me. sorry! he's a baby! 1 in 5 people you meet wear yeah. that many! but right now, is not the time to talk about it. so when you're ready, search 'my denture care'. poligrip and polident. fixed. fresh. and just between us. - [narrator] forget about vacuuming for up to a month. shark iq robot deep-cleans and empties itself into a base you can empty once a month. and unlike standard robots that bounce around, it cleans row by row. if it's not a shark, it's just a robot. o♪ ozempic®! ♪ oh! oh! 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[bleep] it's horrible. when your friends are around, i enjoy a pina colada. if i have a cosmopolitan. there is nothing worse than choke on a cosmopolitan glass. this is such a bad thing that that's going on. i will have a cosmopolitan and every one stops. that's not the real world. greg: my favorite story is next. granted. only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ applebee's new sizzlin' entrées. now starting at $9.99. [♪] greg: some lawyers fight for justice, some lawyers fight for the constitution. and one of them fights for flavor. his name is spencer sheehan. he says he filed 27 lawsuits against companies for labeling their food as vanilla. he argues vanilla flavored is the accurate description. he's coming after it all. 27 lawsuits or alleged fake vanilla. each suit, 27 seeking $5 million each. by my math that's a billion dollars. in my entire life i never cared about anything the way spencer cares about vanilla. check out this chocolate fountain that i made. up pretty sure that wasn't chocolate. i don't think it was a fountain either. i think it was a disorder. someone has to take up his cause if you don't. >> i don't have to. but years ago cook's magazine did a taste test of all vanillas. and the one that all these fancy food people did, the one that won was artificial vanilla. they said even though artificial vanilla won, we don't recommend that you use it. greg: he's a hero. kat: purple heart for this guy. tyrus: no, vanilla heart. it sounds like the reason why they were using the fake vanilla is it was cheaper than the tulsa nilla. maybe take the lawsuit a little bit further. how about people stop eating crap that's bad for you. when it says all this crap into it, don't eat it. if you want tulsa nilla, eat something that says real vanilla. he has 31 more flavors to go. $5 million? how about everyone gets their eyes cream back free. this will d gets thei their icem back free. greg: when you bring your dress shoes, the universal remote. i don't know how to turn on my tv anymore. there is an on and another thing then it goes on and it says it's not on. kat: the power button. greg: there are two of them. you can never tell which wins on or off. tyrus: sue them for it. >> i agree we have better people to sue. i want to sue the guy who invented the infrared anything public restroom and you are trying to get the towel out. i want that person executed. tyrus: i want to sue the guy with the water that opposite comes out when it feels like it. several times i thought this thing is racist. greg: is there anyone you want to sue, kat? >> every one here. i don't care whether you care whether you are eating real or artificial vanilla. i understand that number if you found out it was coming from the body of his dead islandhood dog. buislandhood with. look at me, baby, i look great. >> things are all right. listen. kat: i get it. greg: it took you a while. >> there was a moment when kat pulled her hair out. coming from the jeff fox worthy side of georgia versus the rhett butler side of georgia. i understand why the vanilla envelopes tasted so bad. it was fake vanilla. greg: i have got to laugh because you are a hero. >> fake emotion, that works. tyrus: when we use the word fake we are hurt a lot of people's feelings in the news. it'it's artificial. 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[laughter] all right. thanks to joey jones rob long, studio audience. i'm greg i love you america. ♪ welcome to waters world i'm jesse watters i told you so. that's the subject of tonight's waters word before the public impeachment hearings i said this on the five. >> leave it to the democrats to make impeachment boring this is about a transcript of a phone encall with a country no one cas about. these are household names. they aren't heavy hilt percent wake me up when big dogs testify in public. oh thing is no one can find you on a map it's not a sexy scandal russia was sexy there was inteeg people are hand cuffs on them. it was about an election. this has no intrigue whatsoever. and the democrats have failed to deliver anyny sort of con

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