Hello hello little brother. No i havent been drinking. Gas water ive met someone. Hes medium height blond with wonderful brown eyes when i watch him i feel like throwing myself at his feet. But when i look at myself i dont know the way i look now im too old to counter by myself why should a beautiful young man debase himself by sleeping with me can be discussed. But these images keep flashing through my mind. Hes a very sincere russian artist from the middle of the Nineteenth Century whos highly susceptible and suggestible. Has a problem because he cannot tell he put evidences of his music its like a screen. The first state. Says the first so have you read both they wrote about me tchaikovsky the composer of swan lake has produced confused vulgar music but then hear gratifying that such an outstanding talent like try kosky finally provides russian music with international recognition. Tchaikovsky as a musician who polarizes there are people who like him and they really like his music and music and the opposite of those who reject his music. There are lots of reasons why people dont like us kate certainly is emotional intensity of his works has unsettled people from the very beginning he may have this is the goose pimples and a hair becomes stale a this for minutes and minutes tchaikovsky devoted in trying it was a musician who wasnt afraid to express his feelings in music concerts and if you embrace it its easy to identify with his music i like what you can also end up feeling that its too intimate it almost encroaches upon some an object. From the very beginning his music is all the buyout intimacy suggestiveness poetry psychology but it withdraws from us the details we need to make sense of that and therefore when pups impose our own selves on it and he knew that he was cultivating that kind of audience. The problem is that the delegates have the final say. And this is the first that you have to realize that tchaikovsky was a composer and became a composer pursuing a professional career at a time when there werent yet actually any professional musicians in russia i dont wish. To engage in what was a very new career in many ways tchaikovsky was the first cried to it from the newly founded some pay to the conservatory he was very aware. Of being russias first professional composer the first russian composer really to enjoy european and north american success. He was writing for a public he published his works he wrote works for cult sorts which would make him money. And he was dependent on the new industries all print all the celebrity of journals but there are elements in his private life that would interfere with his life as a public musician. And. Certainly what we know tchaikovsky the man. Suggest that he was certainly able to be flamboyant. Playful in his and his personal behavior there are accounts of him as a young student doing impressions of famous actresses and divas who were then on the petersburg stage hello its your big sister petra lena no theres nothing new here in the world of the concubines of my heart im hanging around but as you know for me theyve become as indispensable as toilet paper. Hes also capable of writing letters in which he he plays with gender by substituting masculine names for feminine names signing himself for the girls name and writing to his brother in a girls name his brother modeste is also gay and they have a little code between them. We know a lot about tchaikovskys behavior his fluctuating moods his changing attitudes to what he got up to and there is a period where he writes very frankly about being cut off from society and what cuts him off from society is his sexuality. And he cautions particularly modest about following the same path its unthinkable of course that a young gay youth in modern day russia level loan in the middle of the Nineteenth Century would be able to escape entirely some kind of. Negativity. Ranging of course from mild persecution or mild psychological problems to certain death i mean we know that thats happening even today. I have decided to marry a woman its not a joke what hoop that doesnt matter i need to be able to show that i have a wife in public im not doing it for myself but for you. From. Home. I know my sexuality was illegal and czarist russia that if a homosexual couple was caught in the act they were exiled to siberia you know if it involved a minor then theyd be sentenced to hard labor that was the law thats not us because its. But i also believe that our check of the it was less the fear of punishment and more about harming other people with his reputation. Thats what really mattered to him and. To think it may have gone but i have more a question of shame and he was a person who was ashamed of his many many things and tried to hide those things he was prepared smalling ruin upon himself and upon others you can see on going on that in two thousand. She is one of my students she wrote me a love letter and to nina i made it quite clear that its futile but that made no impression on her she even threatened to commit suicide so i told her to her face the di do not love her and that her best we can be friends well then i had an idea i made it brutally clear about what she was getting into i described to her my awful character my nervousness my temper my reclusive nature and also my financial situation then i asked her if she wanted to be my wife and she she said yes now i feel terrible me with my innate aversion to marriage suddenly forcing myself to marry a woman i do not love that is i can no longer undo this we are to be married in a few days. There is. A need to add the affects of his private life from Public Knowledge because hes so values his public career his successful career which was a source of pride for him and something he felt he was doing for his nation he felt very strongly that he was creating a russian musical tradition thats why the concert is another reason for marrying was financial here urgently needed money and he urgently needed a wife as a kind of alibi and he desperately wanted to be a role model for his youngest brother. But i will shortly be married bothers me more than i thought i cannot put aside my ingrained habit so easily since we last spoke i have given in to my natural impulses at least three times guess what i recently visited bullet of whose house is nothing more than a brothel for me as if being there wasnt enough i fell in love with the driver hes very attractive and his hands make my knees go weak so you are absolutely right when you say it is impossible to keep your urges under control whatever you might have vowed to yourself by the way i am up to my ears in debt but who cares. We didnt we didnt hear we didnt talk we didnt see it is like a three month here. You can be gay but they dont want to talk about and i think in the time of the chick watsky they knew something is going on. And they closed the ice. How can you possibly think i could have recovered from this custard wedding in just two days it was a never ending moral torture first we sat beside each other in silence i wanted to scream eventually we went to bed. She is very stupid but that is a good thing if she was intelligent i would have to speak but i am so superior to her and dominate her i have nothing to fear. Tried once again to deflower her but my attack was too weak in my attempt i noticed that she absolutely repulses me physically but i said to her before hand that i cannot love her i understand now that fate has made his inseparable but i realize i no longer even feel friendship towards her but it cost me tasteless comedy a life of hypocrisy god how bitter this all is. How did that. Just on in medical terms tchaikovsky was trying to compensate for something. And there are two ways of doing that either he could look in the mirror and say youve done a bad thing peter in uganda. Or he could say its her fault and perhaps it also had something to do with his wife as a person they were two people who wanted very Different Things from one another thats clear. Is that and in the end he remained who he was an industrialist a strong aversion towards what is and understand that and. Know you are mistaken if you believe she is a good person i hate china and you know why she does everything to please me and that makes me crazy she is dark and stupid her head is completely empty and her heart too she has never said anything which he and she is not interested in my work at all she tells me she has been a love with me for years but she doesnt always single note from my compositions i cant believe it and how her chatter gets on my nerves there are moments when i cant tell how recently she accused me of being a con man who only married her in order to disguise myself what a hideous viper i hate her i hate beyond all reason. It was i dont believe i did anything to harm her. Whole tchaikovsky seems to have a civilized person from her car so i cant really imagine that when his wife used and i think was probably good that he wrote about it like a release valve event all the terrible things he would do to her if he saw her. But as i see it the hate had an important function that helped stabilize. Its allowed him to believe that all the good was on his side to project all the bad on to. See to prove. They never divorced but they lived apart and the Financial Support the tchaikovsky owed her flowed sporadically at best. Is traditional is almost. A flaw so in that sense the fate of antonina milieu of a married name check ups guy was a very tragic one and touches. The. I feel wonderful i have only one desire and that is to die. I think in my condition its perfectly natural to conclude the death is the only way out i long for it no dont be frightened suicide is out of the question i wouldnt do that to the scandal would be too great i have a better idea. Tchaikovsky involvement too early and he. Was of course religious but it also meant that for him as a religious person engine suicide was a sin and. I intended to pop this wild throw seemingly natural pass. It must be possible to kill oneself with a severe cold i will know and myself into cold water for as long as my limbs can bandage and that i hope to succumb to death by pneumonia or another infection. And today he had a gate check i was he experienced crises of course but he dealt with and i know he was able to do that because even apart from any love affairs apart from his sense of responsibility and his relationships with other people and they had his art he was able to use his art to develop strategies that were very useful to him thats the letter to his vice and the heights of the trauma of his failed marriage outcomes eugene a new again. Out comes the fall so for me we have the rococo variation. Of the cusp of this decisive period he was it was a very fluid composer who could perhaps bracket off his emotional quandary is and attend to the task of creativity. You see i was insane and only now that i have more or less recovered do i realize what i did to my ranged state the person who in may had the idea of marrying and to nina who wrote a complete opera in june as if it were nothing who married in july who in september left his wife and fled to italy that wasnt me it was someone else altered remains is a loading of people that will never pass. But i have ceased to view my marriage to and to nina as a tragedy. I. He seems to come to a clear understanding that there is something fundamental about him that cannot be reconciled with marriage and that maybe some or maybe a point where we can say he realizes what he is. And i think thats thats terrible as a to cut us off well the catastrophic marriage actually led him to make a decision and that was these masks is marriage i cant do it i cant keep it up. Thats cant niamh who i am sure even the idea has been. Never hid the fact that his homosexuality his love for men it was simply who he was a part of his nature not to his. And thats how he lifted it and had found him and from that point on i believe he was more aware of who he was and more accepting of a tag the. How often have i struggled to express the tormenting desire of love in my music. I dont know if i have succeeded others will have to be the judge of that. But i disagree with those who say that music cannell to reflect the power of love. I am convinced of the opposite only music is capable of fact. I actually dont have a great a great idea of try koskie as a stereotypical figure and while there is a very trendy to discuss a sexuality i have to admit that i never had a great impression of him as having a particularly gay aesthetic in his music i know a lot of people seem to read that in it but in the vibe i wouldnt want to venture a guess and its mention what we have as music by a person who knew his homosexuality was simply part of who he was. And of course there have been studies examining whether there were elements in tchaikovskys music that reflect his homosexuality isnt. To me is this i dont know but i think its more important not to take such a one dimensional view of things. Yesterday out of boredom i ordered someone to the house i was excited all day because right now i could fall madly in love with anyone and indeed i had barely set eyes on him and i was already in love like to channel with on yagan he was just my type first we went for a walk then to my room. He sat down beside me took off his gobs and oh no his hands i had expected Something Else im a shocked you know me but he was so beautiful and so enchanting that in the end with the help of a few glasses of vodka my heart melted. I woke at seven with a heavy head and full of remorse be that as it may this young man is basically a good person but my god how miserable and dissolute he is and instead of contributing to his improvement i only help him sink even lower. Very. Far from. Leeds. I i r r. R r. From. My heart stearns third. Day within. Couldnt seem to me. Or are. You know me. There are references in later life has to prostitutes in paris in vienna in italy and federal fund in the same tone i had a wonderful night he was absolutely wonderful and gorgeous and then waking up with something of a moral hangover a way he thinks oh goodness i shouldnt do this and thought long sentence he said he did i know lot of the power of love but not its happiness i think he couldnt enjoy the situation without feeling regrets or you. Yeah. Yeah. Theres much to be found inside kosky thats heroic and theres much in the accomplishment of such and such a artistic feat that would seem to be the work of the hero but i dont find in tchaikovsky a personally heroic person and i dont i certainly dont think of him as a russian hero his music is new. Either of the west nor russia but a of humanity. Home was there. Was. The. Clown who is it. Is you. Him address which has documented a large number of vicious attacks and aggressive harassment of l g b t r lesbian gay bisexual and transgender people in russia. That make up its happening of the context of the hama for the just lation the bounce for began to of nontraditional sexual relationships. They feel all this person in the sea and then pulls down on social networks and you choose to simulate the victim in further. I would never say ive been attacked but someone did once. Strike me when i was walking down the street and i was pretty amazed by that and i always wondered how much worse it might have gotten. I come home and put the key in the somebody grabbed me and after that ill drag me to the dark. And they hit me in the head have to discuss here in the living scar see and hear also this kind of intervention can happen here too it is what we tend to think about after nine hundred sixty eight this is all no longer an issue here. Sexuality was judged in the United States in one nine hundred seventy two or three terms it is in if youre looking to talk about the World Health Organization didnt do that until nine hundred ninety one thats not so very long ago to long and these archetypes these images that still exist in society its hard to get rid of them so quickly and d. D. Was. I am living under the shadow of a tragic catastrophe that has befallen someone close to me my nerves are shattered i am unable to do anything. I cannot sleep it has been such a long time but im always thinking of him i have shed many tears can it really be true that he is gone forever i cannot believe it. Is it not strange that i freely endure this torture why the hell do i do this to myself i felt about him again the memory is so vivid after all these years the sound of his voice his movements. Gaze i cant comprehend that he is no longer here was. His death is inconceivable to me. It seems to me that i never loved anyone as much as i loved him. Because. No matter what they told me at the time and how much i tried to comfort myself my guilt about him is simply unbearable. I have to say. Feel as i feel. Im good for nothing i work only with immense effort im just killing time i possess no mustering i just think how much have i experienced and to be honest how little have i achieved there is nothing accomplished about my music nothing exemplary. I. Shun sway and wander about. I waste a huge amount of time but only on the alcohol and that cursing gambling. My health is no better for it my stomach hasnt been right for a long time i always have headaches soon as i stop working im overcome with melancholy. Must i continue to live like this. As often. When times also suffered from migraines and he also had gastrointestinal problems theyre often connected and. And of course physical problems like that have an effect on how a persons lives of the other guys in the i mentioned. He certainly is a way that hes lonely in his personal life he never achieves a long term companionable relationship with anybody making hoarding must do today got say he had a current depression that he experienced depression repeatedly throughout his life and he suffered as a result of it. But he managed to pass severe but even though there was no medication or treatment. He had a mental disorder but was still highly functional and. Operated wattleton hope to know all of. This is nothing near the end those thoughts what will become of me and i now how will this all end. Is there here after the shifting these are thoughts that preoccupied people after a certain age and tchaikovsky was no exception. On the storms and especially given that several of his friends had died on his sister two of her children his father his mother they had all died under such circumstances of course people reflect on their lives and an artist like tchaikovsky set these thoughts to music in music. On route i had an idea for a new symphony this time with a message but a message that more remain a puzzle for everyone i hope they rack their brains the message is personal through and through while composing i have often wept reversing the form of a symphony will often many novelties for tone the finale will be a slow adagio you cannot imagine how happy it makes me that my time is not over and that i am still able to walk. I would not be surprised if this symphony was ripped to shreds or ignored it it wouldnt be the first time but i consider it my best work and my most sincere composition i love it more than any of my house my. I. That it is good as in the sixties in full and of course the symphony number sixty miles with tragi