[laughter] sometimes in Party Monster introductions. They feed on it to go overboard or complicated, something simple like not since mark twain. [laughter] im not here to post, but the only fault i found with the introduction is that he did mention that tepper isnt going out as the First Parking novel ever written. I regret to say there hasnt been a bandwagon of people trying to write parking novel since then. I thought i taught tonight since dogfight is sort of a result of what we call a deadline poetry, talk about being a deadline poet. Some years ago, in an authors good benefit, Garrison Keillor organized the program in which four or five authors reject it famous works of literature. [laughter] garrison himself rejected walden pond. He said there were a lot of a lot of good axioms then that, but the structure was weak and he suggested making it into a calendar. [laughter] i rejected the waste land by eliot. I did 18 tavener chorus and the last couple as i know this is a blow, tom. Not to worry. Youre still the greatest poet from missouri. [laughter] how faint that raises. The other poet from missouri is me. And sometimes i save it t. S. Eliot and i are at the Missouri School of poetry. [laughter] we do have differences. Im from kansas city, which during my entire childhood was known as the gateway to the west. And he was from st. Louis, which cut the government to build a big gateway arch and started calling itself the gateway to the west. I didnt really blame them. And for that they were not as mound citycamorra service to to depression, mound of work . So you cant blame them really, although we dont agree it is the gateway to the west. We think of st. Louis is the exit from the east. [laughter] theres some similarities between t. S. Eliot and me. We both use Foreign Language in our poetry. He tends to use sanskrit. I dont use much sanskrit. I dont actually know much sanskrit. As one of those kids who got a got a new to during sanskrit class in kansas city, sort of look out the window. [laughter] i use yiddish sound. I think its fair to say that t. S. Eliot was not partial to yiddish. My shortest palm using skittish. They shortest palm is called Something Like the societal political and philosophical implications of the o. J. Simpson trial. Title does that count in the links. And the poem once jack, oy vey. Fastmac and also in yugoslavia started to break up, i did a palm that had croatians are the good guys now, although their past is somewhat shady, so worry not that these same guys chased both your would be in your cd. [laughter] with both use a little german. When george w. Bush appointed a known family retainer to the attorney general, i did a column that ran Alberto Gonzales with loyal umbrellas. And we both read about animals than times. He famously wrote a lot of things about cat. My daughter said once at the dinner table and somebody brought up cats, daddy hates cats. And i said that he does not hate cats. That would be prejudice. And you crows have been brought up to a poor prejudice. Daddy has never met a cat that he likes. [laughter] and ive written about corgis. I wrote in a column once the corgis look like a breed of dog had been assembled from parts of other breeds of dog. Cannot the part that those other breeds are all that sorry about giving up. [laughter] ill admit theres never been a broadway show called corgis. [laughter] i am a Second Generation poet. I dont know about elliott. My father was a grocer for most of his working life, but he had a restaurant for a few years and take a vantage of that to read a couplet on the menu at lunch every day, mostly about pie. I had a lot of trouble with pie when i was in high school. Math was my worst subject. I was never able to persuade the mathematics teacher that many of my answers were meant ironically. [laughter] you may remember at one point the Texas State Legislature passed a resolution in favor of changing pie two and even three. At [laughter] and that was for it. [laughter] restaurant proprietors poetry is unusual. You dont find many restaurant proprietors writing poetry. Although they are good with mottos. Remember the motto of the burger king in perrys and in owensboro, kentucky, where as most of you probably know, all as early as mutton cap will the world. One restaurant has a sign that says mary had a little lamb, wont you have some to . [laughter] but there are many Occupational Group shamanistic poetry. The only one i know for sure its cowboy poetry, which is odd because cowboys are thought to be laconic and suspicious of both learn and, but theres probably more cowboy poet and there are cowboys. I actually met one of them, baxter black maecenas cowboy poet. He wrote a book called croutons on a cow pie. But its educational and what it would be like if other Occupational Groups had poetry. I mean, William Carlos williams was a doctor and a poet, but he didnt write down your poetry. Talk your poetry if it followed the pattern of cowboy poetry, cowboy poets dont think much about meter. They have as much use for a they would for an english saddle or Something Like that. They are easily inspired. Theyre the most easily inspired poets. I mean, a burnt cup of coffee will set them off. Dr. Poetry would be Something Like she was so tall that high to climb up on a step ladder to check spelling in that womans gallbladder. Last night Flight Attendant poetry with you she didnt hesitate. She knew her mission. It is to get each seatback and treat to go into its original upright positions. [laughter] and deli owner poetry. He has the yachts, a castle in the plane. The Manson Clover and offered six words at the scale. Okay if its a little over . [laughter] and hedge fund poetry. He always thought the day before their eyes. He always sold the day before they die. They never need made a secret of his touch and now they know, hes doing two to five. [laughter] as a poet, im inspired of course by my father. My father come at a restaurant poet wrote mainly about pie. They shortest palm winstone side comic eat pie. Not a short, but in america come each son is supposed to be the father. He rhymed pie with a lot of things late evening is my end dont worry, okay wharton, im ready to fry. Ive had my last piece of pie. My favorite form of his was not about pie. It was about it is this palm. Your food gently, mom said to her little son. If you dont, ill break every bone in your body. [laughter] so for years following my fathers lead, i was what they think you might call a special occasion poet. I was the guy he write the poems on special birth dates and anniversaries and urso dinner. On my wifes 50th birthday wrote a poem, the first verse of which was actually i just forgot the first verse. Here it is. No way you say it simply cannot be. I would have thought that firemen ask her for i. D. I know, i know, she has a youthful glow that still gives young men papers. Shes 50, though. Ive seen her papers. [laughter] but the love poem. [laughter] i turned from a special occasion poet to a deadline poet because of john sununu. Not the senator come but his father who is the chief of staff for george h. W. Bush. And i think its here to stay but im the only person who ever turned her current poetry by johnson m. George h. W. Bush presidency was sort of a great time for those of us in this small joke trade. This is very bland group of people. I was referred to them premises nice this nice protestant gentleman sues. No really juicy scandals. And they all sort of looked alike. The only person who stood out was john sununu, who wasnt even shaped like the rest of them. Also, he had that characteristic that draws the attention of people like me. Im mad as he was very interested in improving that he was the smartest guy in the room. They seem to be his main aim in life. Ed rollins, the Political Campaign manager once said that john sununu is an argument against telling your child that he has a high i. Q. [laughter] anyhow that beautiful name, sununu. I love that name. A summary that name, particularly on the subway. And eventually, i wrote a poem called, if you knew was sending a mail. [laughter] i sent the palm to the editor of the nation, where i had to call and until i switched to newspaper syndication. The editor i always refer to is the wailing parsimonious vivacity. When i started doing the column, nevada ski and i had lunch and i said, what were you thinking of paying for each column . And he said some pain in the high two figures. [laughter] die two figures . Said weve been paying about 65. That sounds at the middle two figures to me. I turned over to my highpowered literary agent and i said play hard. He got them up to 100. I said how much we think and it he set a date for you to do one of these homes every week for the nation. And for those of you unfamiliar with the nation, i was on a book tour once that the collection of nation columns and reporter in boston said how would you describe the nation for our readers unfamiliar with it . And i said can go. [laughter] s he said sure you have more to say about it than not. I said yes, its a pinko magazine printed on very cheap paper. [laughter] if you make a xerox copy of your article, the xerox copy is a lot better than the article. [laughter] a few weeks after i started doing the column, the basket came to me and said what about these quotes . By several quotes are these . He said to John Foster Dulles really say you cant fool all the people all the time, but you might as well give it your best shot . [laughter] said victor, at these rates you cant expect real posts. [laughter] so he said, would you read a poem for every issue . Every week he said. Every issue is not really every week because the nation publishes only every other week in the summer, even though the downtrodden are pressed every day of the year. [laughter] i said how much rethinking of pain for the column . He said he would give me 100, even though i palm is quite a bit shorter than a column. I didnt think it was much money and then i looked up how much to poet scat america . It turns out they are paid by the line normally. Those of you who are poets have experience with this. The highest payer at the time i may send that holds for today is the new yorker and had to say, which was paying 10 a line. So if you do the math come you can see why theres not a huge crowd in front of the poetry booth at the career defeo. [laughter] i was getting 100 a poem no matter how long the palm was, so while i had to do to be the highestpaid poet in the country was to write a four line poem, or even better, a two line poem. And so, i did that. Anytime i wanted to get that buzz you get for working at the absolute top dollar in your field, i would read it to line poem. For instance come when the former texas senator Lloyd Bentsen was named secretary of the treasury, i wrote a poem about its relation to special interest groups, which was, the man is known for quote pro quickness. In texas thats how folks do business. [laughter] fifty dollars a line. In the 2000 primaries, when george w. Bush is College Transcript was leaked to no apparent effect on the campaign, i did a palm that was obliviously on he sails bookmarks not quite as good as quails. [laughter] now the people who my family unfortunately call real poet or grownup poets, we call them the sanskrit crowd. By week, i mean those members of the International Deadline poets organization. Eric two of us. The other member is john lma whose poetry is to appear on the Weekend Edition of the toronto globe and mail. He still the club of now, but his poetry doesnt appear any more so we would say that its membership is hanging by a thread except that would be a metaphor that we discourage metaphors. Its not the only twoman organization ive ever belonged to. Also when i was going around the country in the series you heard about, jules lowe, a wonderful reporter from the ap was doing a wonderful series family for the American Association of american correspondent covering america. [laughter] headquarters at ohare airport. There were the only members and we only had one rule. You cant quote de tocqueville. [laughter] thats how it kept the membership down. [laughter] said the skanska crowd looks down on deadline poetry, but i say teac t. S. Eliot. And im not here to knock the competition, but at least i have deserted street for patient eight degrees upon the table and particular bhutan, he could wait until the next one came along. We cant do that, we deadline poet because we have a deadline. Also, somebody like eliot can make up a palm on any subject he wanted and choose the subject. We have to grapple with the fact that people persist in going to american politics who have had ryan and meter. My people are people like ross perot, john mccain. They tend to lose. Last back i was very pleased to see bob dole back on the senate floor last week. He was one of my favorites. Not simply because hes from my part of the world, but dole arrives at the lot of things. Old king cole, sauteed desk girl the people who actually won the presidency tend to have that names for rhyming. Bush sounds easy because it makes one syllable name, rhymes with such, but thats just respect for what i never did that. When george h. W. Bush left office, i wanted to write him a poem unfortunately hunted lot of no names. So the poem was a do to you George Herbert walker, though never treasured as a talker, your predicates are often prone to wander now must off a loan. [laughter] you did your best and your own way, the way of greenwich country day. To just relax and take your ease and never order chat me. [laughter] clinton is a very bad name. I have often said that clinton is the orange of american president s. In bill clintons second term, during the unpleasantness, remember when Hillary Clinton was said to be taking the lead. She was going to appear on the today program in every thing. I wanted to a palm and so is forced to use what we saw her midname. I do think we use that name of origin or slave name. And so its up to our misurata to prove those white house is that. Its like to face to show that it is just gomorrah. [laughter] obama jokes about having a funny name, but it was a pretty good name to ryan. Unfortunate you step on the rhymes with osama bin laden. Yokohama, slap your mama. So i get worried when they Start Talking about president ial candidates. I did a similar book to this in 2008 call deciding the next decider come a long, i think we shouldnt be afraid of the word epic. Interrupted by other poems. This is the same sort of book, except it has a little prosenate. The call them applause for pros. One of the syntactical list to gingrich, the wearer has cheated in life too seriously zero wise, desperately tries to make light of it back costs. [laughter] newts think it sounds like dengue fever. So last time we had some good candidates, not only for rhyming, but in general. John edwards, i wrote a poem called yes i know hes a mill workers son, but theres hollywood in that hair. Or sarah palin of course, for whom i wrote her version of that harpist racing classic, on a clear day i seek lot of all stock. And this time in 2008 when they started talking about candidates, it seems impossible to believe now, but then governor of illinois was mentioned, rob okoye vetch. Wow, i feared. It turns out its not a bad name to rhyme. I read a palm on the auctioning off of Barack Obama Senate seat. It seemed a powerful appointment, which was his should make him rich. His plan turned out to have a glitch. Perhaps the fed had slipped kucinich. [laughter] so in 2012, i was a little concerned although we have one or two candidates left over from 2008. You know, including that from the of course. Yet one in 2008 in the 2008 i got a palm about him that when yes, so slick of speech and garb, he reminds us all of cad is ken and barbie. So quick to shed his moderate regalia, he may like can be lacking. [laughter] though we had some good candidates. I was a little concerned also that there is only one primary site because in 2008 i had to. So we had people like rick perry, good rhyme. Rick perry, like john edwards has beautiful hair and make good rhyme with. Because they say the space beneath the hair is very. [laughter] service book ends with the actual election. This sends them, weve talked about by the republicans lost. And i actually wrote a poem about that, which was called republican soulsearching. Were searching our souls and where one during why they got be so bad the arrivals are quitting. Its obvious now where campaign went wrong. We should have prevented my people from voting. Last back and there was one. But the problem was that as romney tried to move towards the center, which is traditional in american politics, that you appeal to the base of the party in the primary and he did try to move center. In the second debate i wrote a poem about the second debate called romney beats his swords into plowshares and in the third debate, when he moved still further, he said romney beats his plowshares into feathered esters. [laughter] one of the series was while he did that, some people in the party were preaching things that most americans didnt believe in. Todd akin, for instance. I did a palm called the female reproduction system, a lecture by todd akin. [laughter] a member of the House Committee on science, space and technology. Thats true. And then there was a theory that romney just wasnt a very good candidate. Didnt say things people understood, didnt connect the people very well have a somewhat awkward. Remember when he went to michigan, his home state that primary can set victories for the a rate and michigan. The actual quote was i love this day. It seems right here. The trees are the right height. [laughter] away from here i find no trees that please. No trees at such a perfect height as thieves. For me i cannot ever be a piece with trees that grow no higher than one sneeze or two tall trees that splinter entries. Wisconsin sure has bragging rights and cheese in california is rich and kidneys in colorado this week to take your skis. Connecticut of course has lyme disease. [laughter] and none of these semiprepared to sneeze, bu