yours agent. he'll do it. [laughter] mr. de niro, i am clearly beyond reproach. i will see you on the set of "spy kids five." this stone him and the founder of twitter, is here. so if you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis. not now. [laughter] those are my warm-up jokes. i am kidding. i want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk. america has seen her share of challenges, but as my agent told me when i booked an abc sitcom, "things could be worse." have you watch the news? not cnn, the real news. it is pretty bad in other places. by comparison, america is doing great. this year, after months of debate and controversy, we have achieved something that has impact the health of millions, we brought back wiki's. we are not the fattest country in the world, mexico is. don't worry, we will be the fattest country once everyone comes over here. [laughter] of i havecan sense not been back to the village at so don't tell me you survive the drone strike. [laughter] america still has amazing technological innovations. google glasses hit the market. now we will know exactly who to punch in the face. [laughter] in america, we see gluten in peanuts as a threat. and other countries, gluten and peanuts are the names of warlords. is doing just fine. i know that? fourth movie a about trucks that turn into giant robots. why? there is still so much story left to tell. [laughter] jenna, everyone. this country is still number one. pastries, face computers, and robot trucks. as to the economy and environment, we will get the next time. here is why america is the best country in the world. a guy like me can stand for the president, the press, and patrick duffy, and tell jokes without severe repercussions. instead of being shipped off to a good log, i am going to the vanity fair after party. this is america where everyone riot. a pusy this is one of the coolest things. thank you mr. president. thank you. viewer.u, c-span [laughter] [applause] [applause] >> thank you. aw, to bring our evening to close. i would like you all to remain our next president escorts mr. and mrs. obama from our home. thank you. [applause] [applause] [inaudible] [indiscernible] [indiscernible] [indiscernible] [indiscernible] >> you have been watching live coverage of the white house correspondents dinner. here is president obama's speech from the dinner followed by inner tenor joel mchale. [applause] ladies and gentlemen, the president of the united states. [applause] >> thank you. thank you so much. thank you very much. thank you. thank you so much, everybody, please have a seat. have a seat. we geti get started, can the new presidential set up out here? it has worked before. that is more like it. back and what be a year. i usually start these dinners with a few self-deprecating jokes. 2013, whatellar could i possibly top with that? i admit it. last year was rough. yeesh. at one point things got so bad, the 47 % called mid-to apologize. romney to apologize. of course we rolled out healthc are.gov. that could've gone better. in 2008 my slogan was yes we can. in 2013 my slogan was control alt delete. side, it was one of the year's biggest movies. but rather than dwell on the past, i would like to have it to this dinner. let's welcome my headliner this evening, joel mchale. [applause] plays a self he assessed narcissist. this must be a real change of pace for you. [laughter] to thank the white house correspondents association for hosting us here tonight. i am happy to be here even though i am a little jet lagged from my trip to malaysia. the links we have to go to to get cnn coverage these days. [laughter] [applause] i think they are still searching for their table. [laughter] msnbc is here. a little overwhelmed. they have never seen an audience this big before. [laughter] but look am a everyone is trying to keep up with this fast changing media landscape. for example, a lot of grief for promoting obamacare to young people on between two ferns. but that is what young people like to watch. and to be fair, i am not the first person on television between two potted plants. [laughter] sometimes i feel disrespected by you reporters but that is ok. tonightsherman is here and he gave me some great tips on how to handle it. jake tapper, you ever talk about me like that. i am the best president in the game. what do you think, richard question mark was that good? a little more feeling -- a little more feeling next time? americanul story, an won the boston marathon for the first time in 30 years. [applause] which was inspiring and a lace -- and only fair since a canyon has been president for the last six. --kenyen -- kenyan has been president for the last six. snowboarde olympics is here. we are proud of her. watched the olympics and we cannot believe what these folks do, death defying feats. seen a 180 pulled that fastens rand paul disinvited that nevada rancher from this dinner. [laughter] as a general rule, things don't end well if the sentence start, let me tell you something i know about the negro. you don't really need to hear the rest of it. [laughter] [applause] just a tip for you. don't start your sentence that way. speaking of rand paul -- colorado legalized marijuana this year, an interesting social experiment. i do hope it doesn't lead to a lot of paranoid people who think that the federal government is out to get them and listening to their phone calls. that would be a problem. and speaking of conservative heroes, the coke brothers bought theyable here tonight but use a shadowy right-wing organization is a front. hello, fox news. i'm just kidding. let's face it, you will miss me when i am gone. harder to convince the american people that hillary was born in kenya. [applause] a lot of us really are concerned about the weight and money is influencing our politics. super pack was just me buying maribor 100s instead of regular. [laughter] now that it is 2014, washington is obsessed on the midterms. folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow democrats don't want me campaigning with him. and i do not think that is true although i did notice the other day sasha needed us be correct career day and she invited bill clinton. for career speaker day and she invited bill clinton. i was a little hurt by that. sides are doing whatever it takes to win. republicanses, and -- this is a true story -- republicans brought in a group of consultants to teach their candidates how to speak to women. this is true. and i don't know but i understand that america's teenage boys are signing up to run for the senate in droves. a while you focus on the horse race, i am going to do what i do i am going to focus on everyday americans. just yesterday i read a heartbreaking letter. i get letters from folks around the country every day and i read. this one got to me. one person has been stuck in the same part-time job for years, no respect from his boss, and a chance to get ahead. i really wish eric cantor would stop writing me. you can just pick up the phone, eric. sorry, believe it or not, for the speaker of the house as well. these days the house of republicans are giving him a harder time than they give me. which means orange really is the new black. [applause] but i have not given up the idea of working with congress. in fact two weeks ago senator ted cruz and i, we got a deal done together. the signing ceremony was something special. you got a picture of that. [laughter] look, i know. washington seems more dysfunctional than ever. gridlock is gotten so bad in this town, you have to wonder, what did we do to piss off chris christie so bad. one issue we have not been able to agree on is in an -- unemployment insurance. republicans continue to refuse to extend it. i think that they have got a point. if you want to get paid while not working, you have to run for congress just like everybody else. of course there is one thing that keeps republicans busy. they are tried more than 50 times to repeal obamacare. despite that, 8 million people signed up for health care in the first open enrollment. [applause] does lead me to ask, how well does obamacare have to work before you do not want to repeal it question mark what it everyone's cholesterol jobs to 120? -- drops to 120? what if your yearly checkup came with tickets to a clippers game wetjen mark not the old donald sterling clippers, the new opera clippers? would that be good enough? what is it going to take russia mark -- what is it going to take? thomas this year i have moore executive action to get things done without congress. my critics call this the imperial presidency. the truth is, i just show up at my office every day and do my job. we have a picture of this, i think. you would think they would appreciate a more assertive approach, considering that the new conservative darling is none other than vladimir you can. to cannon said that he headed straight for the nobel priest price. i know it sounds crazy but to be fair they give those to just about anybody these days. so it could happen. but it is not just pat. rudy giuliani said he is what you call a leader. mike huckabee and sean hannity keep talking about his bare chest. which is kind of weird. [laughter] look it up. they talk about it a lot. it is strange to think that i have two and a half years left in this office. everywhere i look there are reminders that i only hold the job temporarily. but it is a long time between now and 2016 and anything can happen. you may of heard the other day hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press conference. [laughter] i love that picture. [laughter] regardless of what happens, i have run my last campaign and i'm beginning to think about my legacy. some of you know rahm emanuel and i wasin chicago flattered to hear that rick perry here tonight is doing the same thing in texas. take a look. thank you, rick. it means a lot to me. and i intend to enjoy all the free time that i will have. george w. bush took up painting after he left office which inspired me to take up my own artistic side. i am sure we have got a shot of this. maybe not. the joke doesn't work without the slide. [laughter] oh, well. i still think it was funny. [laughter] this happen to you, joe? it does, ok. on a more serious note tom at tonight is a reminder that we really are lucky to live in a country where reporters get to give the heads of state our time on a daily basis and then once a a her a chanceim at least to try to return the favor. we also know that not every journalist or photographer or crew member is here. even as we celebrate the free press tonight, our thoughts are those in places around the globe like the ukraine and that anna stan and syria and egypt who risk everything and in some cases even give their lives to report the news. and what tonight also reminds us is that the fight for full and fair access goes beyond the chance to ask a question. african-americans who wanted to cover their president could have been barred from journalism school and banned from press conferences. but after years of effort, black editors and publicists begin meeting with fdr's dress secretary and then they met with the president himself who declared that a black reporter would get a credential and even when the first african-american attended a news conference he was not always welcome by the other group or him or -- reporters but he was welcome by the president who said he was glad to see my golfer and then i was very glad to have them here. off sentiment might've worn once harry asked him a question or two in his battles continued but he made history and we are of sherman and his family for being here and creating a scholarship in harry's name. [applause] for over 100 years, even as the white house correspondents association has told the story of america's progress, you have allowed equal access for women and minorities and gays and americans with disabilities, and yes, radio and television reporters as well. and through it all you have helped make sure that even as society changes, our fundamental commitment to the interaction between those who govern and those who ask questions does not change. and as jay will attest, it is a legacy cube carry on enthusiastically every single day. and because this is the 100th anniversary of this correspondents association, i actually recorded an additional brief video thanking all of you for your hard work. these run the video. --congratulations >> what is going on. does anybody know how to fix this? oh, thank you. [laughter] you got it? >> i see this all the time. and there. >> 100 years. thank you very much everybody. god bless. and god bless america and thank you, kathleen sebelius. [applause] >> ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, and now that we have had the warm-up, joel mchale. [applause] >> all right, everybody, here we go. i am the last person standing between you and your after party. so in just an hour and 15 minutes, you will be walking out of here, all right wetjen mark i am going to break jay leno's record tonight. here we go. good evening, mr. president, rs paul rand refers to you, another minority relying on the federal government to feed and house his family. i am a big fan of president obama. i think he is one of the all-time great residents. you're actually in the top 50. please explain that the jessica simpson. you are right, that was low. how about the president's performance tonight, everyone? [applause] it is amazing that you can still bring it with fresh, hilarious material and my favorite bit of yours was when you said you'd close the detention center at guantánamo bay, that was a classic. that was hilarious, hilarious. still going. i would like to take a moment to recognize the first lady, mrs. obama, you have been very kind to me and my family, especially when you showed us all how to tear up phone book in half with your bare hands. that was incredible. i'll also like to thank the white house respondents association for having me and not being able to look jimmy fallon. that is true. i know it has been a long night but i promise that tonight will be both amusing and over quickly, just like chris christie's residential bid. i have got a lot of these tonight >> excuse me, extender buckle up. to tell you a little bit about myself. my name is joel mchale. i'm on an nbc show called "community." [applause] that is exactly what i thought. i also host a show called the soup which is on the e network. in attendance, ee is a channel that you're deeply closeted gay son likes to watch. channel forme democrats, that you're openly gay son likes to watch. it is home to the kardashians who, believe it or not, are republicans. i know that because they're always trying to screw black people. [laughter] now, just the man. en. tingling with excitement. or maybe that's just the bedbugs. i hope you all enjoy the dinner. the stakes are very tasty once you pull off the tiny white hood. oh, you like clive ann bundy. c-span is like one of those paranormal activity movies. it is just grainy shots of empty rooms interrupted by shouts of people you're pretty sure died a few years ago. [laughter] yeah, oh, and stay tuned after the dinner for an all new episode of "so you think you can remain conscious." [laughter] the 100th year of the white house correspondents association. was onlyyears ago, cnn searching for the wright brothers plane. [laughter] and the correspondents dinner itself is a tradition dating back to 1920. back then, this event was only for men. its true. there's a plaque in the lobby commemorating this as a location other very first ever total sausage fest. [laughter] #ttotalsausagefest. 19 nationalities contained within arianna huffington's accent. it is a genuine thrill to be here in washington dc, the city that started the whole crack smoking mayor craze. [laughter] you guys were the first. i hope he's not here tonight. [laughter] toronto mayort rob ford is a clumsy mess. he can't help it, he's a big guy. he's like a bowl in the crack pipe shop. canada, want to tell hey, relax, we already have a florida. [laughter] ted cruz proposed a government shutdown to protest affordable care act and everyone else in congress decided to go along with it simply to get some time away from ted cruz. [laughter] parties anti-socialism and anti-immigration, so it makes sense that their hero is a cuban from canada. poignant, that one was poignant. the vice president is not here tonight, not for security reasons, he just thought this event was being held at the dulles airport applebee's. yes, right now, joe's elbow deep in helping you poppers and talking to a construction tony thinks his john boehner 30 [laughter] it is crazy to think the joe biden is only one heartbeat away from no one taking him seriously as president. that one. [laughter] biden will be running for president is that -- in 2016 and saying and i quote, there's no obvious reason not to. is the bread is toasted, the cheese is warm, i'm going to finish that thing. no,, bringing my hoagie bit not that one, the fancy one. [laughter] hillary clinton has a lot going for her as a candidate very shows experience, she has experience as a leader. candidate, we can pay you 30% less. [laughter] who's with me? hillary's daughter chelsea is pregnant, it means in nine months we will officially have a sequel too bad grandpa. "badsequel too bad grandpa." [laughter] which brings up the question, do cigar? the father is jeb bush says he is speaking about running. another bush might be in the white house. for our everytime 10 years surprise party for iraq? [laughter] as it stands right now, the republican presidential nominee will either be jeb bush, rand bag of flour with ronald reagan's face drawn on it. [laughter] asking, will donald trump run again? that thing ondoes his head in the woods. p in the woods. speaking of digestive systems, chris christie is here. eerie,ctually here tonight. -- forr, are a glutton punishment. they blocked the world george washington bridge. finally, a politician willing to stand up to america's commuter. jokes or sizeidge jokes? i know you like a combo platter. i get that. i am sorry for that joke. i did know -- did not know i was going to tell it. forke full responsibility it. whoever wrote it will be fired. i will be a man and own up to it. i will get to the bottom of how it happened. i was not aware it happened until just now. i am appointing a blue-ribbon commission of me to investigate the joke that i just told. i assure you i will be dealt with. i just looked into it. it turns out i am not responsible for it. justice has been served. [laughter] [applause] he is going to kill me. [laughter] , you are not stranger to criticism eerie that nugent called you a subhuman mongrel. it is comments like that that makes us question whether we can wang dangy who wrote " sweet? seriously anymore. mcconnell said his number one priority was to get the president out of office. congratulations on being just two years away from realizing your goal. [laughter] mr. president, your harshest critics have compared you to joseph stalin, adolf hitler, -- those comparisons are outrageous. you look way older than those guys. just because morgan freeman has played the president does not mean you have to act exactly like him. house dr. the white :hecks the white -- presidents for polyps and george clooney's head. [laughter] it is good to see that white house press secretary, jay carney, is here. big night for j. i have not seen you this nervous since the president told him just go out there and tell them the website is broken. [laughter] that actually probably was a moment. [laughter] mr. president, you have to admit that you already have the launch of healthcare.gov a disaster. it was bad. i don't have an analogy. they say stuff like "i should not have eaten at sushi." that latest johnny depp movie really health care.gov at the box office. thanks to obamacare, or is the president refers to it as me care, and millions of newly canred young americans visit the doctor's office and see what a print magazine actually looks like. [laughter] [applause] now, over 8 million people have signed up for obamacare. until yous impressive realize that -- there is a lot going on in the world right now. there is a madman who has had plastic surgery annexing small countries in eastern europe. what the hell is bruce jenner doing in crimea? do they get that show their? making a bigu are mistake with putin. you have to show a guy like that that you are just as crazy as he is. he invades crimea, you invade cancun. russia takes back ukraine, america takes back texas. something to think about. [laughter] the new director of the secret service is here tonight. leadership, secret service agents can longer thatrt with prostitutes are too drunk to make it to the program. [laughter] i am sure she loves that. the director of national intelligence, james clapper, is here. put a face to the mysterious voice clearing its throat on the other end of the phone. that was weird. i have been watching a lot of cable news. i am a big fan of that lesbian on ms nbc. yeah, ms nbc is a confusing place. al sharpton is there skinny guy. [laughter] cnn is desperately searching for something they have been missing for months -- their dignity. totally. [laughter] this point, cnn is like the radio shack in a strip mall. you don't know how it stayed in business as long. they just fired piers morgan. [laughter] [applause] thank you. ratedws is the highest network and cable news. [applause] it is all thanks to their key , the old people that have tuned into fox news and have not yet been discovered. bill o'reilly is not here. they'll has another book coming out soon. he is making his ghost writers work around the clock. this event brings together both washington and hollywood. the relationship between washington and hollywood has been a long and fruitful one. you get tax credits for film and television production. in return, we bring much-needed entertainment to hard-working american cities like vancouver, toronto, and vancouver again. [laughter] bylywood helps america projecting a heroic image to the rest of the world. we have just released another movie about captain america, or ,s he is a known in china captain who owes his $1.1 trillion. [laughter] look around. the cast of "the." "veep." the folks from dr. dynasty had a very challenging year. the grandfather on the grandfather on that show made homophobic and racist remarks. docs -- ducks. [laughter] "house of cards" has had great impact on washington. i have not seen a tour de force since.ance like that you can drop character any time. spite thating to spoil the shocker on "house of cards." -- nancy pelosi's face almost changed expression. did you like that one, nancy? i would like to congratulate jared letter -- o on his oscar. who asked to be introduced to that hot chick from "dallas buyers club." has already had an impact on tonight's event. ofblocked all three attempts tim tivo to pass the dinner rolls. it he wanted to be here tonight, but could only move four yards at a time. you're right. he is not here to defend himself. legendary actor robert deniro is here tonight. [applause] impression, deniro but i do an impression of robert yours agent. he'll do it. [laughter] mr. de niro, i am clearly beyond reproach. i will see you on the set of "spy kids five." this stone him and the founder of twitter, is here. so if you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis. not now. [laughter] those are my warm-up jokes. i am kidding. i want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk. america has seen her share of challenges, but as my agent told me when i booked an abc sitcom, "things could be worse." have you watch the news? not cnn, the real news. it is pretty bad in other places. by comparison, america is doing great. this year, after months of debate and controversy, we have achieved something that has impact the health of millions, we brought back wiki's. we are not the fattest country in the world, mexico is. don't worry, we will be the fattest country once everyone comes over here. [laughter] of i havecan sense not been back to the village at so don't tell me you survive the drone strike. [laughter] america still has amazing technological innovations. google glasses hit the market. now we will know exactly who to punch in the face. [laughter] in america, we see gluten in peanuts as a threat. and other countries, gluten and peanuts are the names of warlords. is doing just fine. i know that? fourth movie a about trucks that turn into giant robots. why? there is still so much story left to tell. [laughter] jenna, everyone. this country is still number one. pastries, face computers, and robot trucks. as to the economy and environment, we will get the next time. here is why america is the best country in the world. a guy like me can stand for the president, the press, and patrick duffy, and tell jokes without severe repercussions. instead of being shipped off to a good log, i am going to the vanity fair after party. this is america where everyone riot. a pusy this is one of the coolest things. thank you mr. president. thank you. viewer.u, c-span [laughter] [applause] [applause] crewrbara walters and the from nbc and the today show among the media people there. it is still about an hour and 20 minutes or so until the beginning of the program when the president arrives and the program begins. initial speaking program at 8:00. president obama set to speak tonight at 10:15. lots of celebrities, lots of politicians. a guy dressed up as uncle sam walked by just a while ago. there he is now. always, the strangest, most eclectic crowd. also, seth meyers, who hosts "the late show." looking forward to jewel mchale at the white house correspondents dinner. he is going to kill it. we spoke to jewel mchale just a couple of days ago as he came into washington to get set for the dinner. he talked about what he thought the meaning of the dinner was outside of the nation's capital. >> for people outside, i think its cool that it is kind of allowing other folks into the who coverolitics politics. you see the number of people who are interested in it and things like that. i think that can be interesting. i hear a lot of people say the dinner is not what it used to be. i don't know, the dinner used to only have men. that was way different and obviously a lot more diverse now. for washington to let their hair down a little, as they say, especially barack obama to let his hair down, though it is hardly visible. telling this on oscar weekend, people go out, have a good time and have fun and everybody is in the same room no matter what art you are from. that is probably good. >> some journalists will say, yet is not great for journalists to be out partying having a great time. >> oh, whatever, have -- relax, you idiots. that i amr stuff like just, did me a break, go relax, go for a run, go have a drink. go out for a run and have a drink at the same time. its really strange experience. -- >> that is jewel mchale. you hear him tonight at about 10:40 eastern. available online at facebook.com/c-span. you can also find it at c-span.org. he was talking there about the issue some people have with a mixture of politicians and celebrities at this dinner. we spoke with new york times magazine correspondent mark leibovitz last year and asked in the same question, what he thought about that whole issue heard he raised the issue of media and celebrity. here is some of what he had to say. >> i think, as we found out this weekend, it is all pretty closely aligned. one of the things about washington that is somewhat unique is, really since "all the presidents men," journalists have become more of a celebrity class than in other cities, which is an odd thing. there is a level of self congratulation and self celebration and so forth that somewhat at odds with the mood of the rest of the country and how people view the media and so forth. unique to this culture in some ways. i do think that many people would think it is odd that we now have about two dozen parties to celebrate the efforts of the washington media over a single weekend at a time when, frankly, not a lot of people are happy with the performance of washington or the media. -- decided it felt too cozy. it did not feel like the right message to be sending to our readers, to really be in such a chummy and festive setting with the people we are covering. it is you that some people hold. we don't pass judgment on those who do go. obviously, when i did used to go and i went to another paper, i got a lot of work done. there is a lot of fun to be had. that has been the papers philosophy for number of years now and i don't see changing, certainly not this year. [indiscernible] >> you saw senator patrick leahy in the background. annualians arrive at the white house correspondents dinner. it begins in about an hour and 20 minutes at 8:00 eastern. we're watching comments on facebook and taking your tweets. if you recall, john f. kennedy magazine was devoted to the marriage of celebrity and politics. c-span this past week interviewed the president of the andent white house press the history of the dinner. outlets invite different people including celebrities. here's what he had to say. ago it was100 years started by a small group of 11 reporters to protect their turf area president woodrow wilson was starting to have regular press conferences and he didn't know how to pick who to attend. the standing committee of correspondents that we will pick. -- they start to credential white house reporters. the dinner started in 1921. it did not set the first year. it started as a dinner with the white house staff and the reporters. it was smaller than. get the first president to come until calvin coolidge. we have had every president come until then. this dinner has grown exponentially in size. about 2600 people now. obviously, our main celebrities the president of the united states. he has come every year since 1981. >> how has the dinner changed and evolved over the years? >> a number of ways. one, there is no smoking at the dinner. i was talking with three or four most senior waiters. they're been waiting at the head table for about 40 or 45 years. i asked them the same thing. one of the key things is there is no smoking. the drinking has changed. reporters used to drink many bottles of scotch, whiskey, at every table. now, it is a lot less drinking, more wine. a lot of fruit flavored drinks. we have had hollywood celebrities. we have had hollywood celebrities before. in the 40's we would have includingntertainers, ,rank sinatra, jimmy durante animal entertainers. barbra streisand came to her first dinner in 1962. we have had more in the last two years. we have had scholarship winners. the association only started sponsoring a scholarship about 20 years ago. now it is a big part of our evening. we use all of the proceeds to >>se money for scholarships why the news organizations invite celebrities jerry? >> you have to define celebrity for me. if you're inviting the chairman of the senate foreign relations committee, in my world, that's a celebrity. enough to sit at the table with the president of united states, that is the biggest celebrity in the room and it always is. i assume you're talking about hollywood. who ares organizations members of the tv networks invite the people who work for the tv networks. >> guests continue to arrive very we saw nbc's al sharpton among them. washington hilton and and beverage manager got his perspective. >> how many years have you worked for the hilton? >> 34 years now. >> do any standout looking back? >> i think probably the first year that president obama was in office. the seemed to become hollywood one. everyone seemed to be here. we've had celebrities for many years. the first one was just overwhelming with a number of celebrities that decided they had to go through the kitchen because he didn't want to get stopped by the crowds. there are literally thousands of people here and everybody wants to meet everybody. just had people walking to the kitchen all night long. kind of difficult to keep the team during a meal out for that many people when they see different celebrities walking through. [applause] >> several thousand attending the white house correspondents dinner. president obama and entertainer joel mchale. >> the president of the united states. [applause] >> thank you. thank you so much. thank you very much. thank you. buddy.ou so much of a please have a seat. before i get started, can we get the new presidential set up out >> it has worked before. that is more like it. it is great to be back. what a year, hot? i usually start these dinners with a few self-deprecating jokes. after my stellar 2013, what can i possibly talk about? i admitted, lester was rough. .heesh at one point things got so bad that the 47% called mitt romney to apologize. of course, we rolled out healthcare.gov. that could have gone better. [applause] [laughter] my slogan was yes we can. in 2013 my slogan was control alt delete. [applause] [laughter] , they did turne the launch into one of the year's biggest movies. [laughter] but, rather than drawn the past, i would like to give it to this dinner. let's welcome the headliner for this evening, jewel mchale. [applause] mchale. this dinner must be a real change of pace for you. for hosting us here tonight. i am happy to be here, even though i am a little jetlagged for my trip to malaysia. the links we have to go to to get cnn coverage these days. [laughter] [applause] i think they are still searching for their tables. [laughter] [applause] msnbc is here. [applause] they are a little overwhelm the. they have never seen an audience this big before. [laughter] look, everyone is trying to keep up with this incredibly fast-changing media landscape. for example, i got a lot of grief on cable news for to young obamacare people on "between two ferns." that is what don't people like to watch. to be fair, i am not the first person on television between two potted plants. [laughter] [applause] sometimes i do feel disrespected by you reporters. but that is ok. seattle seahawks' cornerback richard sherman is here tonight on he gave me a great tip how to handle it. jake tapper, don't you ever talk about me like that. i am the best president in the game. was that good? [laughter] a little bit more feeling next time? [laughter] are talking sports, just last month, a wonderful story. the boston won marathon for the first time in 30 years. [applause] which was inspiring and only fair since a canyon has been president for the last six. has beenenyan president for the last six. [laughter] [applause] we have to even things out. athletes here tonight, like olympic gold medal snowboarders jamie anderson is here. we are proud of her. michele and i watch the live experience we cannot believe what they do. death-defying feats. as a general rule, things don't end well if the senate starts. " let me tell you something i know about the negro." you don't really need to hear the rest of it. [laughter] just a tip for you. don't start your sentence that way. [laughter] speaking of rand paul, -- [laughter] legalized marijuana this year. an interesting social experiment. to ahope it does not lead bunch of paranoid people that thinks the federal government is out to get them and listening to their phone calls. [laughter] that would be a problem. [laughter] -- speaking of secure speaking of conservative heroes, bought a cablers here tonight, but they use the shadowy right-wing organization as a front. hello, fox news. [laughter] [applause] i'm just getting. let's face it, fox, you'll miss me when i'm gone. [laughter] it will be harder to convince the american people that hillary was born in kenya. [laughter] [applause] a lot of us really are concerned about the weight the money is influencing our politics. i remember a super pack with me buying a marlboro 100s instead of regulars. [laughter] that it is 2014, washington is obsessed on the midterms. folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow democrats don't really want me campaigning withhe

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