With incredible offers on the mercedesbenz youve always longed for. But hurry, these shooting stars fly by fast. Lease the gle350 for 579 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. cheers and applause trevor that is our show for tonight. Thanks for tuning in. Now here it is. Your moment of zen. A woman woke up with surgery on her jaw she woke up with a british accent. People who dont know me, where are you from . Rosenburg. Right here cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause larry thank you very much welcome, welcome, welcome i know. Look at this. Thank you very much. Welcome to the nightly show. Thank you very much. Im larry wilmore. Its all mississippi night. cheers and applause they said, how come you dont talk about mississippi . I said, what should we talk about . Ooh. Okay, yesterday was the north american summit a meeting between president obama Canadas Justin Trudeau and mexicos enrique pena nieto. Lets see how it went. All right. So what do you think, wave . Yeah, wave. Waves are always good handshake . laughter larry look at obamas face. Brothers dont like to butcher handshakes. This would have never happened at the panafrican summit. Im just sayin. applause nobody blew it up. Im just sayin. But this meeting was not about handshakes. It was about Climate Change International Trade policy, and global security. All right, media. Give us your professional analysis. Well, it could be the most awkward handshake in history. The most awkward handshake ever . The whole thing got a little bit awkward. How does this work . Things got kind of awkward. I would shake hands. This is the kind of thing larry oh, fox and friends. Even your demonstration of awkward is awkward. laughter all right, but there seemed to be a lot of time spent on this handshake, so maybe it is worth covering. Here with his take from ottawa is nightly show contributor, mike yard. Wake up, larry shillmore wake up larry mike, can you take your mask off, please . Oh, im about to take americas mask off, larry, because this is not about a handshake, larry. This is not about a handshake. Larry mike, please, are you telling me you think this is a conspiracy . I dont think, i know. Okay, this is all a part of mexico and canadas secret plan to destroy the United States and establish a new country in its place called mexanada. laughter thats whats happening. Larry mexanada . Mike, thats insane. Is it . Think about it, larry. The u. K. Leaves the e. U. Destabilizing the pound. America, which has plenty of extra pounds hello, obesity crisis announces the creation of the north american caucus, n. A. C. , which is only one letter away from narc. Narc . The soldiers of the war on drugs. Drugs are carried by drug mules across the mexican border. Mexico . Whose climate is dry . Canada dry . laughter applause cheers dry rhymes with eye boom. Larry boom . Boom, larry eye is the symbol for the illuminati, man, and the illuminati are trying to start world war iv sealed by this secret handshake. Larry thats not a secret handshake and world war iv when was world war iii . Exactly. Now youre getting it. Follow the money, larry. Follow the money. Larry when did money become a part of this . Thanks for nothing. Mike yard, everybody. All right, before we go away to celebrate this countrys independence, lets do a quick checkin with the effort to liberate the white house from its current state of negrofication. Time for the unblackening. cheers and applause all right, as we move closer to this years president ial election, the polls are actually starting to matter. And yesterday the nations top polling guru dropped a big one. Nate is the ultimate political numbers cruncher. He called 49 out of 50 states in 2008, ran the table in 2012. So right now, we have hillary about a 75 or 80 favorite. Larry oh, my god. 75 or 80 favorite these are ridiculous odds and let me tell you something. Let me tell you something 7. Nate silver has an incredible track record of being right on the nose with his predictions. There is no way trump can be president. Im saying it right now. Hold on, hold on. Ill tell you what give me one reason why im wrong. Now, everyones going to be a little bit skeptical this year because so few of us saw trump coming. Back in august, you said he had about a, what, 2 chance of getting the nomination. He got it. laughter larry oh my god how could this nerd have been so wrong . Let me see if i can explain this. Its kind of like nate silvers playing chess, but hes playing chess with a chimp. And silver makes his brilliant opening move, and the chimp throws his feces at him. laughter this happens over and over again until he realizes not only is he in check but hes completely covered in feces. Get ready for the trump presidency, you guys. And if trumps response to the recent istanbul airport attack is any indication, the chimp bleep is already airborne. Were living in medieval times. We have to fight so viciously and violently. You have to fight fire with fire. Larry just so you know, in medieval times, they knew that you fight fire with water. cheers and applause or sand or mud. Anything except fire is what you fight fire with. But trump has nothing against water, as long as he can make it as painful as fire. So we cant do waterboarding but they can do chopping off heads. Larry i wish he would do talking no more. Doesnt he understand that this is illegal . I cant believe that hes standing up for waterboarding so we cant do waterboarding, which is its not the nicest thing, but its peanuts compared to many alternatives right . Larry peanuts . Waterboarding and peanuts dont belong in the same conversation unless youre talking about a Charlie Brown guantanamo christmas. Then it makes sense. Then it makes sense. All right, here to explain himself, please welcome donald trump, everybody. cheers and applause hi, larry. Its great for you to see me again. Larry look, i cant believe i have to tell you this, but torture is illegal. There was a huge debate about it, like, 10 years ago. We all kind of decided we werent going to torture anymore. Torture is how i win, okay larold. I tortured all the other candidates in the g. O. P. I picked off those bozos like they were fingernails of some vendor who owed me money at maralago. Larry thats eerily specific. Thats nothing compared to what i do to the biggest loser, chris christie. I mean, this guy. I tortured him, made fun of him even kept him in my basement for weeks until he broke. Now hes mine. And its unbelievably fantastic. Larry you kept him in your basement . Thats so twisted. Torture works for trump. Look at little marco. I tortured that confused little taquito so bad that he couldnt even win florida. Larry taquito thats a horrible thing to say excuse me excuse me. What do you mean . I love taquitos larry that doesnt matter. Look, all im saying is torture works. I mean, everything about it works. I tortured megyn kelly for months, said blood was coming out of her Shame Chamber. Larry Shame Chamber . All right, youre right. Actually, its disgusting. Im grossing myself out just a little bit, okay. People love to be tortured by trump. If im being honest and humble, im truly the best to be tortured by. Larry who brags about that trump. Okay . Look, i tortured the press. I come on your show. I say whatever i want, and you keep calling me. You love me. Admit it, larry. You love being tortured by me youve got jungle fever. Larry how do all these things you talk about make America Great again . Its not right. Its as the blacks have to say, if were keeping it 100 america is best if we focus on whats right. Larry thats what the blacks like to say. You dont even know what you just said. If im going to be honest, america likes whats sexy too. Whats sexy too like my daughter ivanka. Talk about great and sexy in one package. Larry all right, i dont want to hear about your sick fantasy anymore. Donald trump, ever they call you short stack. Half pint. Lil bit. Small fry. Nobody even knows your name. But thats about to change. Time to shine. Orbit. Hotels. Coms rewards program is simple. For every 10 nights i stay i get one free. This however, will not be simple. You gotta ride the belt, captain obvious. I have liquids in my body [brad] welcome to the apartmentsdotcom presearch facility [presearcher 1] i just found a twobedroom twobath right in uptown [presearcher 2] nice [presearcher 1] great [brad] bingo our presearchers are working so hard to find you an apartment before you even need one. Hello, doctor. Then there are prepresearchers. Theyre finding buildings before theyve even been built yet. Those are such great kids. Really. Then there are preprepresearchers. Look at this. Those are just babies, thats our nursery really. Change your apartment. Change the world uh oh. Oh. Henry oh my. Good, youre good. Back, back, back. vo according to Kelley Blue Book subaru has the highest resale value of any brand. Again. You might find that comforting. Love. Its what makes a subaru a subaru. cheers and applause larry welcome back. Monday is Independence Day. Now, a lot of people are going to be celebrating fireworks and drinking, drinking fireworks. laughter dont do that, by the way. Its only a joke. But, you know, every year, i like to share my reflections on the holiday and country. Ive been doing it sunshine the 70s when i had my first show on uhf. Did i ever mention that . In fact, i think we have some footage from the big bicentennial episode i did in 1976. Dre, can you run that . Welcome back to my super groovy bicentennial barbecue can can you dig it celebration . My name is ted lang. Thats just a character i play. Do that thing you do in the love boat opening with the finger. Do that. Thats some cool bleep . laughter yeah. All right, isaac, make me up a mai tai. Best fourth of july i ever had i was buck naked on the George Washington bridge. Thats how i woke up. I dont know what happened. That was the fifth of july. What other holiday can you do that . Arbor day . Go bleep yourself, arbor day. You have to time your drugs accordingly. Nothing beats elephant tranquilizers right before the big fireworks display. Adds three additional colors not on the rainbow. You know what im saying . You never heard tuba music until you heard tuba music on elephant tranquilizers. Nothing says Independence Day like stepping away from your marriage vows and getting freaky with the neighbor ladies, if you know what i mean. Thats independent bleep . Im talking wife swapping right. And free rides to the top of Mount Washington monument. Love is hipdippy. It is perfectly fine to use your hibachi indoors. A lot of bleep dont know that. Also they just put a fresh coat of bleep s, whats that called. Asbestos. Were going to do some bicentennial predictions. You you know, this is just the way i see bleep for the next 200 years. The russians will be the first ones on venus. Thats my prediction. What do you think mars . bleep mars, man. Future leaders, right . O. J. Simpson. Man will evolve to having a third hand. I dont know where that hand is going to come from. Strangulation will be the way most people will die. Tell me its not more fun to strangle a bleep than to shoot them. Am i right . Remember you strangled carl last year. No i never told nobody watching this is going to arrest you. He strangled carl, man. That was bleep . Man, you just knocked off my mustard, bleep . Let me tell you, that liberty bell, that was an outofsight idea. Nobody cares about a bell. You put a crack in it, and all of a sudden everybody uponses to go to philly and see it. Like some tourist attraction. That was some kind of genius they ought to put crack in everything. Crack. Larry have a happy and safe 4th of july, america. Well be right back. Whos the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate . Miss monroe, eat a snickers. Why . You get a little cranky when youre hungry. Better . Much better. This scene will never make the cut. Nexium 24 hour introduces new, easytoswallow tablets. So now, there are more ways, for more people. To experience. Complete protection from frequent heartburn. Nexium 24hr. The easytoswallow tablet is here. Heineken light lets you control peoples minds. It doesnt do that. Awardwinning heineken light is the best light beer youve ever tasted. Thats true. I made you say that. No you didnt. Yes i did. Mmm mmm. Yes i did. You didnt. Cricket knows the play thatll make you celebrate. Switch to cricket and get the Samsung Galaxy amp 2 for 0. 99 or the Samsung Galaxy amp prime for 49. 99. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. Whats that . Well this is my equation for success. I developed the 4 ps. Politeness patience practice and. Promotion heeyaw heeyaw inspired by a true Stella Artois story brewery closed, auction sale. I am sebastian artois. Brewmaster. Risktaker. Wake up sebastian i sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. So, what do you want to be remembered for . Stella artois be legacy cheers and applause larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. First up, nightly show contributor ricky velez. cheers and applause nightly show contributor holly walker. cheers and applause and shes one of the stars of the hit netflix show orange is the new black actress diane guerrero. cheers and applause and for everyone at home,join our conversation right now on twitter nightly show using the hashtag tonightly. On tuesday, donald trump offered renewed support for the use of torture. Go ahead, check it out. They said, what do you think about waterboarding . I said, i like it a lot. I dont think its tough enough. cheers and applause larry okay i dont want to focus on the waterboarding. I want to focus on the reaction he got. That scares me just a little bit, okay . Who do you think is going to benefit more on National Security and fighting terrorism issue in this election, trump or hillary . First i am not surprised that trump supports torture because, seriously, every time he goes on television and opens his mouth its bleep torture. Every time. cheers and applause i think its people who dont want to do the work who are like yeah, who dont you mean politicians. No, no, im saying the people who are supporting him. What we just heard that loud noise, people like yeah i dont want to read i dont want to have a rational thought you know its too hard for people. Trump is that substitute teacher that shows up and you think youre not going to do work. Yes, yes yes yes he puts on a movie. Here you go. I mean, at the same time, like everybody going i mean, hillary was our secretary of state. Larry yup. She had the job. She kill osama. She can assemble somethingic like isis. She can desemble something. Larry do you think people view her that way as a fighter . Its so funny, elections can be so shallow. People say yeah, trump, fighter weve never seen hillary fight. She dont fight. I view her as a fighter absolutely. Shes had benghazi thrown her way. Shes had the email scandal thrown her way. Even Monica Lewinsky has been thrown her way, and she is still standing. Shes still standing. cheers and applause yes, she is. Shes still standing. And thats who want in your, that shady bitch that cant be knocked down. No, no no, no no, no. Larry the next isis event shes taking off her either. Getting the vaseline out hillary is ready to go. She has the paintssuit. Hillary is that woman that goes ahead, she doesnt like her meal at a restaurant. She doesnt say bleep but goes home and write a nasty yelp review. Thats the type of person she is. Come on larry im trying to think is that a slam on hillary or ylelp . When was the last time it was dealt see her fight. Larry do you think the National Security issue is going to be the deciding issue in this election . Or is is i mean, i dont even the economy is. To me it feels like both sides are agreeing on the economy. Were just kind of throwing shade on obama. I dont think it is going to make a difference either way. I think hillary supporters already like hillary. I dont think anybody will be suede off to trump. I dont think Trump Supporters will be swayed over to hillarys side, i think larry what about the people in the middle . Do you think theyll be swayed by that kind of talk . I dont think so. I think its about participation at this point. At this point its getting those people who are like, i dont care. I dont like either of them. Just to say, look, this is what we have and you need to vote for hillary. cheers and applause thats it. Thats it. This is what we have. And i cannot i cannot believe that, like the majority of the people in this great nation think like trump or like his supporters. Right. Theyre loud. Theyre loud. Really, really but its not i just saw brexit happen, and i didnt think that was going to happen. I was on stage about two weeks ago, and i had a joke. I go, i dont like to ask people who they vote for because thats rude. So now i ask if theyre racist and i figure it out from there. laughter i swear to god. I swear to god. And a guy jumped up and he goes, bleep you. Im voting for trump and my daughter married a black guy. And i go well, you dont seem very happy about it. Larry he doesnt seem happy about either one. And he goes, shut up. I know seven black people. Ooik like, youre not supposed to know how many you know. Thats the first rule of racism, like not knowing how many you know. Larry Trumps Campaign constantly uses the fear of outsiders. How does that resonate, like given your family story, with you, as a voter, like, how does that feel when you hear that kind of language being used . Well it just means i have to work even harder, right. The point is to change the culture, to change the conversation in which we think about an immigrant, who an undocumented person is. Larry your family was deported, right . Yes when i was 14 and i stayed behind to live out my dream. All good. I did it. Im doing it. applause thank you. You know it set us back. It definitely makes us work hard. But this is what were trying to do. Were trying to get people tond we have a thereby this country. The immigration system is dated. We need Immigration Reform and we need people to get on board and talk about the issue. Guess what . Its not comprehensive. Theres no back of the line. Theres no right way theres no path for citizenship. I think the more we talk about it its fine. Ill do the work. Im willing to do the work. I want people to do the work. Larry i agree. Are you fearful or hopeful at this point . Um i think a little bit of both, but i still have to stay on the positive side. Im a hopeful hopeful exprn hopefully we can make enough noise and we need participation from everybody, everybody everybody. cheers and applause i love you i love you you said make noise. Isnt that what trump is doing . We have to be louder. Thats right. Is louder what we want . Like is because louder with, like, rational thought and good ideas. I understand, but what does america Pay Attention to . Americas funniest videos is still on tv. laughter . Larry but so is 60 minutes. Amen. applause larry and so is the nightly show. Well be right bac pain from your day can haunt you at night, dont let it. Advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. Advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. I would like three weeks vacation. Two is standard. Im not standard. Three weeks. Ok. cheers and applause larry thanks to my panelists ricky velez, holly walker, and diane guerrero. And thanks to bob dibuono as donald trump for being here. Thanks for watching. Good night, everyone. Happy fourth of july
comparemela.com © 2020. All Rights Reserved.