cheers and applause . Larry yes, thank you very much thank you very much, please, please, have a seat. Thank you. So kind. This is an unbelievable crowd tonight. Larry, larry. Larry i appreciate it. Welcome to the nightly shoavment thank you. Susan sarandon on the show tonight, im very excited. Cant wait. So yesterday was the New York Primary. So lets check in with the efforts of denegrofying the white house, you guys. See whats happening with the unblackening. Thats my favorite song. It was an exciting night, you guys. And like king kong on the top of the Empire State Building cnn wasnt totally appe [bleep]. Tonight the winners will have their victories on one of the worlds most familiars landmark. Once cnn projects winners the lights will change to correspond to the colors that cnn is using to represent each candidate. Larry uhhuh. Yes, tapper went on to explain that cnn would turn the Empire State Building dark blue for hillary, coral color for cruz and a uni color for bernie. Sounds good. Of course, it turned out to be a huge, luxurious night for donald trump as he easily crushed kasich and cruz. But after cnn called the election, they immediately went to work doing journalism. Thats a joke, you guys. Thats a joke. Thats a joke. Actually, they changed the color of the Empire State Building. Cnn has projected donald trump will be the winner of the new york republican primary. We are turning the Empire State Building the dark krimson, the red that significant if i signifies donald trump. Larry yes, trump won and new yorks most famous building turned dark krimsome blood red as was prophecized. applause now you get that. After cnn turned the Empire State Building gimmick they wit went into full analysis mode. The fact that it is being called so early suggests a very, very strong victory. Absolutely. First can i just say i feel like im in a nora ephron movie. Larry is dana bash trying to get jake tapper to make out with her . Hmmmm. So trump claimed at least 8 9d delegates despite previously stating that the primary system was rigged in ted krzs favor. All right. So how many delegates did system rigor ted cruz pick up in new york. Ted cruz with a grand total of 0. 0 in a state where he did campaign. Larry you guys are happy. Yeah, new york values, man, zero delegates. Hmmmm. Man, the primary system may be rigged but apparently not for his pleasure. laughter thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you. And speaking of gratuitous sex references, this is true. Ted cruz said this in his speech last night. He may have been knocked down. But america has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the matt. laughter . Larry what . Yes, and let me just say brazil at her face booty up. You know, just let me no, let me say, i like france standing over me with her stilleto heels pressed into my junk. You know. All right, on the democratic side Hillary Clinton the frontrunner had a big night. Theres no place like home. Larry yeah, man, thats right. Hillary won her home state. No, not illinois. No, no, not arkansas. No, not the highest kingdom of arendelle, huhuh. No, new york, there you go. Thats the home state, yeah. And judging by the delegates hillarys primary campaign has been on point. And what better way to celebrate than, well, pointing. Larry you know, i am curious, who was on the receiving end of all that pointing . Nothings nothing you cant do. Now youre new york. Larry wow. Man. She must be really confident to be acknowledged ing those guys. I got you. Yeah, i got you. In fact she made it clear to off new york that when it comes to their best, shes doing her best. New yorkers, youve always youve always had my back. cheers and applause . Larry. And ive always tried to have yours. Lrs ive always tried to have yours. Thats not what somebody wants to hear, right. I love you and ive always tried to love you. By the way, that was jake tappers response to dana bash, im just saying, just putting it out there. laughter the budding cnn romance. Snow speaking to his supporters Bernie Sanders brought up the prospect that it might not have been a fair fight. Im really concerned about the conduct of the voting process in new york. Larry hold on, is bernie being arrested . I am concerned for his safety, man. He lost one state, all of a sudden, what, is he working on a loading dock . Whats going on there. Yo, bernie the boys here, you want to lend a hand, you got to talk to the press all night. Jesus. So bernies big beef is that new yorks primary was closed. Just like the upcoming primaries in pennsylvania, maryland, connecticut and delaware. When we say these primaries are closed, we mean like really closed. You cant vote early or even by absentee ballot without an excuse. Registration deadlines close in march, and switching parties had to be done last year. Larry okay, so if you are an independent who wanted to register as a democrat or republican, you had to do so by like october 9th of last year. That was a long time ago, you guys. Leonardo dicaprios latest girlfriend wasnt even born yet. Im not making that up. This a fact. I dont make this stuff up, you guys. So heres the deal. So thousands of people yesterday were either told they couldnt vote or had trouble voting. That might not seem like a big deal until you learn that one of the people inconvenienced were the celebrities, yes. Martha stewart tweeted. When i went to vote yesterday, i ws not in the records and had to fill out extensive forms. Larry martha, no offense, but you are an excon. applause . Larry maybe not as outraged that you have to fill out another form. Not that big a deal. I wouldnt wall that disenfranchisement. So after all everything points to a hillarytrump battle in the fall and bad capa romance in the spring. Well be right back. cheers and applause the eclass has 11 intelligent driverassist systems. It recognizes pedestrians and alerts you. Warns you about incoming crosstraffic. Cameras and radar detect dangers you dont. And it can even stop by itself. So in this crash test, one things missing a crash. The 2016 eclass. Now receive up to a 3,000 spring bonus on the e350 sport sedan. Well, i told you to bring a warmer jacket. When . Every day since you could walk now i just say it with my eyes like. Folks, park ranger mark. Sup, bro . Hey, forest cop. Youre taking up a lot of space. Im going to need you to move a vehicle. Todd, load the fourwheeler into the truck. Flo thats like bundling cause progressive can bundle your boat, atv, and rv with your truck to save you money. Dont talk to her. She has rabies. Rabies was created by the government. Look it up. [ flames whoosh ] [ gasps ] who are you people . Yay, grandpas still alive. I dont want to buy any cookies, little girl. That would be the sound of your alarm going off. . Unfortunately, your other alarm went off every few hours throughout the night. Which means youre going to be alarmingly tired at work today. Listen, the truth is as a parent youll never get enough sleep. But you can get this a great tasting 5hour energy® shot. Itll help you be bright eyed and bushy tailed, just like him. Now is the time for 5hour energy®. Aha cinnamon. Milk. Cinnamilk. Cinnamon toast crunch. Crunch crave those crazy squares. Cinnamilk larry welcome back. Now a writer famously said a woman needs a either novelist Virginia Woolf or law order dik wolf, but loll owe walker took it to mean she needed her own segment to talk bh women and stuff, so here it is. Hi. Welcome to my lady time. It is a special time, usually once a month. Sometimes more often. And sometimes when im wearing white pants. Tonight im in the tub. Why . To talk about something that is even dirtier than me. New jersey. New Jersey Democratic Assembly man tim eustace wants to add menstrual cramps to the list of ail ams approved for medical marijuana. cheers and applause wow. Looks like those marijuana restrictions are really cramping their style. Ladies, we all know why it would be great to hot box our hot box once a month. But play the clip any which. Rather than giving women opioids or pain killers which is the usual treatment, this would be a less harmful, less addictive drug. Thats rights. Some of us are taking opioids and pain killers every month. I know what you are saying. What are we, nfl players . It is a little crazy. Especially because in 2014 opioid overdoses cost more than 14,000 deaths. The only women left living large from that are the c. E. O. St of big pharma companies. Oh wait, big pharma doesnt have female c. E. O. St. Damn. Another joke foiled by systemic sexism. Soo why do lawmakers have to write a special exemption for men strawl cramps . It all comes down to one narc. Governor christie has long opposed the use of medical marijuana. Thats right, governor christie hates medicine kal marijuana almost as much as he hates governing new jersey. Oh, this . The trick is to stay ahead of the pain. Cut it off before it gets too bad. Bye bye cramps. Hello blackout. So if you are in pain, how can you get pot right now . Right now in the state a doctor must prove a patient has a debilitating medical condition with chronic pain. Excuse me . What is more chronic than a pain that comes every [bleep] month. Huh. But Chris Christie would rather i take traditional medicine. Dont worry, im not operating heavily machine ree for another hour. But the best part about this celebrity, the best part about the best part about this is this celebrity who inspired the legislation legislation. Lawmakers know that Whoopi Goldberg collaboration with organic marijuana edibles designed in part to ease cramps. Thats right, Whoopi Goldberg is selling pot infused creams, chocolates and bath salts. Good on you, bhoopi. Way to act, sister. laughter get it . Sister acts act. And she collaborated with another woman, that makes it a sister act two. I bet those creams are how stella got her groove back. The color purple. Larry holly, holly, holly. I really, i know this is your segment but are you okay . Oh, yeah. I am feeling much better, thank you. I am getk a little hungry. Larry all right. I think im going to make myself a snack. Larry whoa, whoa, whoa, holly, holly, stop, thats dangerous, holly, dobts do that, thats disang rouse. Not any more dangerous than this [bleep] larry no, no. Well, lets call it a tie, okay. I hope my lady time was as good for me as it was for me. See you next time. Is expheers plaws cheers and applause . Larry no, holly, wait. Well be right back. engine winding up pilot talking to tower on radio once you get out here. Theres just one direction. Forward. One time now. And theres just one sound. You and us. Together. Telling the world. Were coming for you. Kids, juicy fyeah. Gum with starburst flavors . mmm. mmm. zipper noise zipper noise baby rattle shaking juicy fruit so sweet you cant help but chew. Aha cinnamon. Milk. Cinnamilk. Cinnamon toast crunch. Crunch crave those crazy squares. Cinnamilk can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. Welcome back. Nightly show contribute errorree albanese, night lee show contributor mike yard, and her new movie the meddler premiers in new york and almost amount of this friday, april 22nd and opens nationwide throughout may. The legendsary susan sarandon. Join our conversation using the hashtag tonightly. The New York Primary was yesterday and trump and hillary were the big stories. And my question is does this look like finally what we are going to see in the fall . Do you think it is hillary at this point . You are a big bernie supporter, right . Can i not say those words. Larry you cannot say the words, right. Hillary did say in her speech, she say there is more that unites us than divides us. Did she get specific about that, because i would be curious. Larry she did not get sphesk about it. But you think its up to her to woo the bernie supporters or should the bernie supporters just jump on the hillry train. She can get them but she will have a whole lot of wooing. These people were ready to vote for a socialist. Not only that, so many of these people werent democrats. So many independents, so many working so many green, you know, so they dont want to vote democrat. It was him that growt them in. Larry uhhuh. So her platform is so different than his, you assume they are just going to roll over is really naive. I mean i think that you have to say something. I mean if you care about the environment, then shes going to have to say, you know, im against fracking. Even though, you know, ive been selling it all over as a secretary of state, even though gmost ive been selling all over. Larry you done think hillary will say what she will have to say . Shes pretty good at that. Shes pretty good. Shes willing to do anything to get a vote. She jumps on that 15 minimum wage after she was against that. Shes up there signing it. I understand are you saying we cant necessarily trust what she said. Maybe we should get the transscripts of those speeches. Because im sure that shes getting rid of citizen united. That is probably what she is talking about though, right . Dont you feel at some point if the National Election is trump versus hillary, just on the, like, just for like the for humanity, you just vote for because even if you are a bern wree supporter, i get it and hillary could pander, she could like use that wall street money to buy a bunch of chain wallets and hand them out in brooklyn. Larry chain wallets. I know what you le. But i feel like, right now yes, democrat versus democrat but once are you in that National Election and it is trump versus hillary and the option is donald trump running america, like, dont you just feel like at that point, like a pair of socks, you just vote for it i dont care what it is, it just cant be that guy. I dont know, i mean, you know, people that supported bernie are not people that play the game. But what do do you . Theyre not afraid to below [bleep] up, thats what i am saying. Maybe we need to below this bitch up, maybe we need to. Im sorry, maybe that is what we need to. Im sick of false choices. Two people i hate, i got to pick one. Thats ridiculous to me. I think theres a John F Kennedy quote that basically im paraphrasing but says those that put down peaceful revolution are making sure that there is a violent revolution, so. Larry let me ask you a question, is this revolution a referendum on the obama years. I believe it say revolution against the system. Obama is part of the system. But i think the system is bigger than obama and people are sick of the way the game plays. This is shall its so frustrating. Larry hold on. Because we have how is bernie not part of the system. He has been a senator for like over 30 years. Thats the system. Because hes not owned by anybody to begin with. He doesnt take money from anybody. And every single time that we voted wrong whether it was a trader, he still part of the system. Trump is the guy who is not part of the system. That is another part of my frustration. This dude is taken seriously, dude, come on. They dont want a third party but the dnc has made is kre clear that they done let any prog resessives in. Maybe its time to have a third party. Yeah. I think you hit on something there. I think america, i said this actually almost about ten years ago. Weve been ready for a third party for a really long time. There are so many, in fact, maybe a fourth and fifth party. How about we thrie no party, how about we try no party, and just vote for the best people, how about we do that. Because the best people will never going to run. I dont know. One of the best people, im sorry, im giving away my but one of the best people ran and is losing right now. The Democratic Party is not a progressive party. The last time a Democratic Party was progressive was when lbj was president. Try fdr. No, but. I think he was kind of pushed ito it he wrote a lot of fabulous legislation. If you sign it, he did it. If you dont sign it, then it is different. We didnt have the koch brothers, all these people just messing with the whole system, you know. Its impossible now. And youre asking the congress that is benefiting from all of this to vote against it and that is never going to happen unless you get a Bernie Sanders in. Its never going to be. I dont know. I feel i feel like the problem is even if a guy like bernie gets in, i feel like everybody said this about obama. What happens is the minute a democrat gets in, the republicans just spent all of their time making sure that person. You have to vote in the mid term elections. Nobody wants to do that. Yeah. That is the problem. We just want to complain. Nobody wants to vote in the mid term. Vote in your local election, vote in your mid term election that show you make change. Yes. But now all of a sudden you have to start reading, you know. Come on. This is america. We just want all the work. All right, well be right back. If you live in new york city or are plan a viggity, gab tickets to the nightly sho thought i told you to stay off our turf. And what would you know about turf, skipper . Lets end this here and now lets dance flo whoa there progressive covers boaand rvs, okay . Plenty of policies to go around. [ grunts ] oh, oh, im the bad guy . You threw a fish at us, so, yeah. Yeah. Coverage for land and sea. Now, thats progressive. I would like three two is standard. Im not standard. Three weeks. Ok. Shoshow me more like this. E. Show me previously watched. Whats recommended for me. X1 makes it easy to find what you love. Call or go online and switch to x1. Only with xfinity. Larry thanks to my pal mike yard and rorie albanese and susan sur an don. Good nightly, everyone. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show. Im trevor noah. My guest tonight im so excited, musician Sturgill Simpson is joining us, peopl
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