Through this skit because all im thinking about is star wars. May the force be with you. This is the nightly show captioning sponsored by Comedy Central larry thank you very much. Thank you, please. Larry Larry Larry Larry oh, man. So so nice. Such a nice crowd here tonight, man. Welcome to nightly show. , dont know how you keep guessing. Youre right, im larry. As we near the end of 2015, i just want to take a moment to reflect on what has truly been an amazing year for me. I mean a year ago brother didnt have a show, right. So, hey, man, 2015, me and you, we good. cheers and applause such an amazing journey, guys. Of course, soon after i arrived, my white neighbor moved out. laughter and then the whole neighborhood turned. laughter so, yeah. cheers and applause i apologize. I apologize. Kind of my fault, really, when you think of it. But, look, i am proud of all weve accomplished in year one. We fixed racism. Pretty good. Its no longer lurking in the shadows. Now its out in the open and running for president. Yeah. cheers and applause so, hey, thanks to the fans whove been with us this year. Tonight, were doing a special segment on the show called before we go. Christmassy. I like that. So we spent this past year talking a lot about miscarriages of justice. In fact, this was such a bad year for the concept of justice that justice is considering faking its death, changing its name to rhonda, and starting a new life in toronto. laughter very sad. Very sad to report that. Well, tonight im happy to say we can finally talk about a carriage of justice. Very good, carriage of justice. Do you remember this idiot . Martin shkr eli, the 32yearoldformer Hedge Fund Manager whose drug company startup, turing pharmaceutical, bought a drug called daraprim and practically overnight, boosted its price 5,000 from 13. 50 a tablet to 750 a pill. Daraprim was developed in 1953 as a treatment for those with compromised immune systems like aids and cancer patients. Larry i know the guillotine isnt popular anymore. I get that. But right. cheers and applause the public showing of a head being chopped off is the only way to solve Something Like this sometimes. You know. Some people just need to die. And it shouldnt be the aids and cancer patients. cheers and applause im just saying, senior bowl halftime show. Sorry, coldplay. laughter you didnt do that, right . And, by the way, its not like this guys taking the extra money hes making from sick people and giving it to charity. He just bought a rare, oneofakind wutang album thats locked up in a vault in morocco you have heard about this for 2 million. Now, the only way this could even remotely be cool is if he thinks the wutang clan is an elite group of magical chinese doctors and that album holds the secret to all their mystical cures. But he definitely didnt think that, so hes just a dick. laughter and the problem is, he can get away with this evil price gouging because theres nothing illegal about it. This is a horrible miscarriage of justice. So, carriage of justice, get em weve got more breaking news this morning. The drug company c. E. O. Who raised the price of a lifesaving pill by more than 5,000 has been arrested. Federal officials confirmed to cbs news that Martin Shkreli faces charges of securities fraud. Larry yes woohoo cheers and applause pop pop pop pop pop yeah, man justice has been carriaged yup, hes going to be locked away in a vault, much like his prized wutang album. I could say that all day. Now, the other story that was important to us and i just felt personally that we had to cover this before we went away for the holiday. Its just too big, you guys japanese marital laws. In japan, theres some big news for bridezillas. Oh, and regular brides, too. Japans highest court has ruled on marriage laws that activists claimed were sexist and outdated. Larry good thank you wives in japan have suffered long enough. Ever since getting married, hello kitty cant legally say hello to strangers anymore. And offering salutations is all that poor feline has so, lets see what the Supreme Court ruled. The Supreme Court said waiting for six months is unconstitutional. Larry why is this a thing . Why does the government even care how quickly you get married . I agree, larry. Its been hell. Larry oh, hey. Didnt see you there. Holly walker, everybody. Actually, larry, its holly fujimoto. Larry fujimoto . What are you talking about . Larry, many years ago, i was on an improv comedy tour in tokyo, and one night, the prov team and i were out drinking. Larry okay. So we start pounding sake with some local businessmen, and when i wake up. Larry you married one of them . Yes it was love at first sight what was i supposed to do, not lawfully wed him right then and there . Larry but you say you loved him, right . Yeah, i thought it was in love, until later that afternoon, when i met mr. Takahashi. Larry who is mr. Takahashi . Mr. Fujimotos college roommate. Once i laid eyes on him, i knew id made a huge mistake. Larry oh, my god. I filed for divorce immediately. Larry i see. But because of japanese law, you couldnt remarry right away . Exactly i had to wait six punishing months but it was a dream wedding. Larry aww. Well, thats nice, at least you had proper until the dream became a nightmare enter mr. Kagomi. Mr. Kagomi . yeah, the cabbie who drove us from the chapel oh, larry, it was love at first sight. But i had to wait another six months. Lord, why do you torture us for simply committing the crime of love . larry well, holly, if i may, it sounds like youre a bit out of control here. I mean, its one thing wait, wait, wait, larry. Could you hold for a second . Who is that fine slab of wagyu beef right over there . laughter applause larry thats lawrence, our writers assistant. Mamasan likes larry oh, my god, but hes chinese. It doesnt matter. How you doing . Larry oh, my god holly, no holly no, holly, let him go cheers and applause oh, no. Oh, my god. Youre out of control. Holly fujimoto, everybody. Well be right back. Hey nithanks. Today. Juicy fruit . Sure ill try a piec. Juicy fruit. So sweet you cant help but chew. cell phone rings where are you . Well the squirrels are back in the attic. Mom . Your dad wont call an exterminator. Can i call you back, mom . He says its personal this time. If youre a mom, you call at the worst time. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Where are you . Its very loud there. Are you taking a zumba class . Hey pal . You ready . Can you pick me up at 6 30 . Ah. boy im here im here cop too late. I was gone for five minutes ugh move it. Youre killing me. You know what, dad . Im good. dad it may be quite a while before hes ready, but our Subaru Legacy will be waiting for him. vo the longestlasting midsize sedan in its class. The twentysixteen Subaru Legacy. Its not just a sedan. Its a subaru. Over the years, she saw mark grow up. She saw him tempted. But she never felt threatened. Until taco bell introduced 1 crunchwrap sliders and clementine began to worry for her personal safety. But little did she know, that under her own body was a weird rubber plug. Four big, full size flavors that wont break the bank. Crunchwrap sliders including new spicy beefy nacho and sriracha chicken for just a buck each. Only at taco bell. [sfx bong] cheers and applause larry welcome back. Look, i dont need to tell you that its a big day for fans of the greatest movie franchise of all time. cheers and applause and to be honest with you, even i wont be watching tonights episode of the nightly show because i got tickets for the midnight showing of alvin and the chipmunks the road chip. Just kidding star wars opens tonight, you guys tonight so excited. But, hey, hold on a second. Hold on. Already, theres a disturbance in the force. Let me tell you what it is. Now, you know i will call out anything if i think it was racist. But Melissa Harris perry, cable news host, tried to insinuate that my beloved original star wars was not only racist, but was embodied in the hallowed figure of darth vader. But while he was black, he was terrible and bad and awful and used to cut off whitemans hands, and didnt you know, actually claim his son. But as soon as he claims his son and goes over to the good, he off his mask and he is white. Larry Melissa Harris perry, how could you . Wheres my chewbacca diary . I have to take this out whenever i get star wars anxiety. Aaahhh laughter note to self Melissa Harris perry, shut up. applause you know, guys, i actually this is true i actually reviewed the original star wars back in the 70ss when it first came out. I did this really hip show back then i dont know if ive ever mentioned it but, you know, my Research Department was able to get some footage, so lets take a look. Larry all right, now before i review this soontobe classic movie smokey and the bandit, dig this. Theres this new movie called stwawrs. I dont want to give spoiler alerts but its about a dude naik luke sky walker. He joins with a cat in the desert, and he goes on a revenge quest and drops a bomb on a big super structure, killing thousands of innocent bleep s. You know what i think . I think that bearded bleep is terrorism. This movie is racist inspect movie is racist. I know racist movies. They cant hide that. And they have these little, like pygmies, like shetland negroes running around the desert. What kind of bleep is that . The best character in the movie . Darth vader. Thats his name, darth vader. Hes one smooth operator. You lay that deep voice on a sister, you wont have to ply open the blast doors,un what im saying . They got this bleep right robots will first come in the form of homosexuals. That bleep is true. The force what kind of what kind of bleep is that . bleep is acid. I once made love on a rug that looked exactly like that chewbacca. It made that same sound, too, rrrrrr i was trying to drink and it went down the wrong pipe. I got some predictions. You know who is going to be a big star, mark hamill. He is going to be in everything from now on. You know who is going no, that han solo guy. This is his last film. Sorry, han solo. Your movie career is solo. laughter force. You know what force guides my life titties. Ill be honest with you, some of the movie seems biographical. I relate to a lot of bleep . That happened to me. I was in there with this prostitute. What was her name oh, bleep . Chocolate or something, fudge . I dont know, man, it was one of those drunk nights. We ended up in the dumpster and i was so angry with myself. This was my wedding night. I should have been home that night of all nights. That was fun, though, man. Larry thanks, me from the 70s well be right back. After trying brookside chocolate, people talk about it online. Love at first taste. I would liquefy it and bathe in it. Curse you, brookside your nefarious plans have succeeded. Nefarious . Are we still talking about chocolate . Brookside. Talk about delicious. After trying brookside crunchy clusters, carlybeyar tweeted at this point, i should just be a brookside chocolate ambassador. Well, i am sorry, carly. Its something you earn. Brookside. Talk about delicious. Searching for a great used car . You got it. Just say, show me millions of used cars for sale at the allnew carfax. Com. Where now you can search with the power of carfax®. Just say show me cars with no accidents reported boom. Or how about, show me cars with only one owner. Pretty cool. Plus were the only site where you get a free carfax® report with every car listing. So find the cars you want avoid the ones you dont. Start your used car search at carfax. Com over the years, she saw mark grow up. She saw him tempted. But she never felt threatened. Until taco bell introduced 1 crunchwrap sliders and clementine began to worry for her personal safety. But little did she know, that under her own body was a weird rubber plug. Four big, full size flavors that wont break the bank. Crunchwrap sliders including new spicy beefy nacho and sriracha chicken for just a buck each. Only at taco bell. [sfx bong] cheers and applause larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. First up nightly show contributor rory albanese. cheers and applause and nightly show contributor mike yard. cheers and applause and his new album darkest before dawn comes out tomorrow, rapper, songwriter, and president of good music, pusha t. cheers and applause and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter nightlyshow using the hashtag tonightly. Before we get started, i thought it would nice to have a holiday beverage as this is the last show of 2015. Ive got eggnog or scotch. Eggnog. Larry eggnog. Put some scotch in your eggnogs. Larry oh, my god here. I have bad news there was already bourbon in the eggnog. You just double dosed. Its turnip time . The song sunshine you premiered on the daily show tuesday night talks about a lot of the racial and social issues americans have gone through in ned the past year. So tonight i want to do something a little different, everybody bring up what they thought was the most surprising story of 2015. Mike . For me it was rachel i still cant wrap my head around that one. Larry she convinced herself that she was black. Yes not just her, like, the entire n. A. A. C. P. She ran. You have colored in your name. Youre right. Maybe they should change that bleep . Larry maybe so. That fascinated me, man, that somebody because she grew up here in america. A white person in america would decide to opt out. laughter cheers and applause thats funny, man. Im just sayin theres internet, theres everything tells you, no. Thats the part that surprised me. Yes why would do you that. Its like youre playing on the globetrotters and youre like, i want to be a washington general. I thought it was crazy as well. I looked at her and i thought, like, she could be black a bit. I dont know. I dont know. When i saw her i was like, nah, thats a white woman right there. No way a white woman with curly hair. Thats what you saw. I think the hair fooled people. I dont know, man. Im jewish. Everybody has hair like that. The hair did not fool me. Larry what was the most surprising story for you this year . The most surprising story for me was hearing about obama going to the federal prison system. S this is, like, the first president another to. cheers and applause to go to the federal prison system. Larry you know, all the republicans were hoping he was going there for all the wrong reasons. laughter larry it was pretty amazing. He commuted the sentences of a lot of like 6,000. 6,000. Thats so cool, he went to jail and then he was like, all right, let them out. Larry was talking about that the other night on the show, the idea that every republicans fear is a black president will come in and be like, everyone out of prison and he did it right at the intusser. That was nice. I liked that. That was the secret plan all along. I just think it was really cool that hes taking action to try to correct the wrongs of, like, the unbalance, you know applause larry yeah. Rory, who was your story . I think for me without a doubt that trump is still i really did think, like, i followed this up pretty closely. I just figured it was the summertime you get the one crazy person who makes noise, thats kind of funny. And its not funny anymore. Hes in the lead and its december. Im surprised and i said that to you in august. I was like, no. And you were like, i dont know. Im worried. And you were right. Larry i was very suspicious. You were suspicious, and im now officially frightened. Its a nightmare. It is. I dont think hes going to win. Larry you dont think hes going to win . Hes going to be president . Hes gotten too far. Im scared. Its got to happen. Im hoping he doesnt win. Larry why wont he win . Because america is a good country. cheers and applause . At its heart. At its heart. I believe that. Im going to tell you what i think, and here is where people are going to say mike yard is crazy. I believe that donald trump does not want to be president. I believe that donald trump conspiracy . Yes, i believe this is my Conspiracy Theory that he was put there by the democrats to destroy the republican party. cheers and applause . Good job, trump good, job think about it, think about it weve known trump forever when shes never said crazy bleep like this. Hes always been a little weird. Larry very braggadocio. But shes never said crazy racist bleep hes like a hiphop artist. He has his own vodka. Exactly. He had his own bling. Larry no, its true. I dont know. Why dont you have your own eggnog, man, that would be pretty cool. Larry thats a good point. I dont think it will work. Larry ill just go. We rap out of time. But my one is cosby, man. Really . Larry absolutely. I mean, the effect that the influence that this han has on television and culture and everything, and for that fall from grace. And for me, the whole fact that this long parade of women werent being listened to, and it took a guy doing a standup act to listen to it. With something applause so ridiculous. What really it really resonated with me. Why report we listening to women . Why are we taking 60 years 60 years just to believe a woman, 60 bleep years to believe a woman. You know. Its disappointing on so many levels. Last word . Darkest before dawn. Larry there you go. Merry christmas. Happy new year. Well be right back, everybody. Over the years, clementine saw a lot. She saw mark grow up. She saw him tempted. But she never felt threatened. Until taco bell introduced 1 crunchwrap sliders and clementine began to worry for her personal safety. But little did she know, that under her own body was a weird rubber plug. Four big, full size flavors that wont break the bank. Crunchwrap sliders including new spicy beefy nacho and sriracha chicken for just a buck each. Only at taco bell. [sfx bong] there it is. This is where i met your grandpa. Right under this tree. man some things are Worth Holding onto. Theyre hugging the tree. man thats why we got a subaru. Or was it that tree . man the twentysixteen subaru outback. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Larry thats our show i want to thank our panelists rory albanese, mike yard, and pusha t. And these two. Stayed