Thats huge. [bleep] your sister. Im going to stay married to you . [laughter] im hoping to continue [bleep] he decided, didnt he, good. Im going to run for election. Mayor ford, we need camera three. [laughter] you need help. And i dont mean help carrying a case of beer down into the basement so you can get drunk enough to smoke crack. I mean help help. Lets just talk to toronto for a second. You can go. We want to smoke some crack. [laughter] all right. Were alone now. I heard that you met forths fords Approval Ratings went up after it came out that he smoked crack. [laughter] do you know what that makes you as the city of toronto . Enablers, ey. Now let me ask you a question. Are you waiting for this man to hit rock bottom. Are you waiting for him to what text pictures of his [bleep] im going to say this, i dont know you, i dont live in your city. Mayor fords a lot of fun to ridicule. But my guess is not a lot of fun to all gize and thats where this things headed. Now even though i will lose precious material, please go to rehab. [laughter] i lose jokes in the short term, of course. But my guess is its a long term investment. [laughter] youll be back. Get some help. Now here in the states were still working out some of the fine print on our new healthcare system. Right now theres talk that the president of the United States was less than a hundred percent honest with the rhetoric. If you like your current plan, you will be able to keep it. Did he just say if we like our current plan, well be able to keep it. Let me repeat that. If you like your plan, youll be able to keep it. [laughter] i thought that was what you said. If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. Without any caveats to that because it sounds definitive. We will keep this promise to the american people. If you like your doctor, you will be able to keep your doctor. Period. If you like your Healthcare Plan, youll be able to keep your Healthcare Plan. Period. Period. [laughter] first of all i do not think youre supposed to read the punctuation in the speeches. [laughter] im pretty sure. How would the definitive statement sound post implementation of the healthcare act when its abundantly cool you cannot keep your plan or your doctor. If you had or have one of these plans before the Affordable Care act came into law, and you really like that plan. What we said was you could keep it. If it hasnt changed since the laws passed. Well, no, no, no. No, what you said was, you can keep it. Period. Now what you said, what you said there was more like you can keep your Healthcare Plan ellipses comma because it may no longer meet the requirements or your Insurance Company may not be extending your plan. Period. Noticed by incompetence and arrogance. Did i do that. No. Not when the president s somewhat dishonest. Somewhat dishonest about the promise of his healthcare program. But heres the weird part. His opponents have been lying like [bleep] its estimated that obamacare will increase taxes over a trillion dollars and add 6 trillion to the deficit. Were looking at probably 20,000 in premiums next year. And we dont even have insurance for our daughter who has a preexisting condition. 95 fine that a lot of young people are going to take in order to avoid prison time or whatever ramifications. Vladimir lenin he said socialized medicine is the keystone of the arch to the socialist state. Obamacare is really i think the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery. [laughter] jon its okay that hes dishonest but it is sort of weird if that is the worst law nobody to maknown to man kind, f somethings generally bad telling the truth is tough. 12 years of slaves doesnt mean that. [laughter] not to mention some at arguments against the Affordable Care act. The point is who should set minimum. A lot of people are saying why should somebody in washington tell me i needs to have these ten items in every plan, tennis seven benefits. Its like passing the law the only car you can buy is a fully loaded cadillac. What if you can only afford a honda. Jon so your point is why should the government said ten standards for healthcare when they dont said ten standards for cars. What . This is the federal standards for automobiles. [laughter] the reason is because the federal government sets at least 50 standard items that must be in either a cadillac or a honda if they would like to be referred to as a car. [laughter] so my guess is youre going to be able to find some people who did not benefit from this law and some people who are actually burdened by this law. Dont pretend that the old system was d cocoon. We wont ever get old and we wont ever die. Seriously man [bleep] before sucked. I give you the shrank law o shre medicare. I had a bill for 180,000. Blue shield rejected me. Backlog and improperly denied claims encouraging its employees to drop policy holders and actually paying bonuses based on how much money the company saved. Jon and you know you were then [laughter] i know youre worried about some of these new cases. You know who is getting these coals out from under them its not wealthy people. But you cant pull that concern [bleep] when this is the way you acted to the millions without insurance in the old system. I im not sure why we need to revamp multitrillion for a handful of people. A million handful of people. If you dont like having a doctor you got to keep not having a doctor. Period. Well be right jon havior. A Certain News Network shall remain nameless has been occasionally, like when theres a break in news incident there are fans out in the streets and guesses that [bleep] might be happening. We can look at this chopper right here if we can. This is apparently some kind of rescue chopper. Look at the cars that are coming. Something these happened. We dont know what it is. Its really bad. What is it. I think its important we praise them for doing things we like even if we like them for fa facetious and nefarious action. Its time for the day award but before we get there lets go to the couch. [laughter] jon let me real quick, what were about to watch, what we see is a seam pull mechanical docking issue that could have taken care of during the commercial break but they look at it as an opportunity. Every day were working for Even Better Company and to keep our commitment. And we made a big commitment to america. In fact, weve invested over 55 billion here in the last five years making bp americas Largest Energy investor. Our commitment never been stronger. Jon what just happened. They came back from commercial to a commercial covering what they could have done during the commercial. And the cherry on top. The company that responds to this news segment is actually in the news quite a bit. About how hard theyve been working to get gulf course aquatic birds without of their oil. The couch walk is so gloriously unnecessary i think im in love with them. Theyre banging them out left and right. Sometimes its on the couch on just a whim. Does the expression brain food mean anything. What when you eat can affect your Mental Health but i feel like its a couchable conversation. [laughter] do i have to sit on a couch to hear it or can i i let me Say Something to the heads of cnn, people who run cnn. Dont make these people do that. They seem like nice people mostly. Dont crush their spirits. Unfortunately there are sometimes stories that are not exactly walk to the couch friendly. The woman who just defied all the odds finished the motion difficult ironman race ever the kona race without her legs, the ultimate good stuff and well give it to you early today but wave we dbefore we do were goid over to the couch. [laughter] look at us with our functional legs as we head over to the couch. Look at us ladies. Da, da, da da da da. Im going to do a little jig. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth but im seriously thinking they just brainstorm waves. [laughter] smell the news. Jon my point is this. Were actually going to be rolling out the sponsored segments that it might be time for bring the news look. [laughter] that leads perfectly into tonights, if you only need this much to filibuster why do they have to get this to filibuster. Wow, that was terrible. The perfect entree to sponsored by arbys because your hunger is stronger than your memory. In case youre wondering. So jon you can see we have coming movie. Everything as changed. How has it changed. He had another stroke last night. He was good in the race. Thats good. Not for him obviously. [bleep] thats an outstanding development. Wow honey bear, guess who Just Announced hes running . Cant you see youre in a man cave anymore. Hes waiting to get reelected. Jon john goodman. [crowd cheering] john goodman. Am i here to be barked at . Jon not at all. Actually they thought they were going to see arsenio tonight. Jon may i Say Something to you. I would like to say this to you anyway and this may be embarrassing. You never suck in anything. I have never, i have never ever everything you do, its awesome. And i always love watching you do. Is there anything youve done where you go boy i didnt like that. Oh yeah. Jon really. Yeah. Jon are you critical of yourself. All the time. It gives me the creeps to watch myself. Were doing this show alpha house and these a big bus and they have a ten foot picture of my face on it. Which is owe owe oh. Jon its not just the face but the characters youve played and its always interesting. Thats why the koen brothers use you in everything they do. You are in everything naturally and organically. Their writings almost fool proof and im living proof of that. Jon how does this amazon thing, i didnt know amazon do television shows. Is that a button you click on the site . Is that how it happens . [laughter] i dont know. Im just a cog in their machine of world domination. As long as, im cool. Theres a gyms mow you bu gizmoh amazon and you get free tv. Jon it runs only on amazon. Yes, as far as i know. [laughter] if its on real tv we have to bleep all the stuff. Its the only pleasure doing television these days. Jon heres what. Do they pay you in amazon points. Who doesnt get paid in amazon points. Jon how did they, who was the creator of this program. Gary trudeau, the greater of doonesbury. Jon thats wonderful. He writes these incredible scripts. Very funny. And johnathan altar. Hes a producer and got the political angle on everything. Hes great to have around. Thats assume. Hes bun of th one of my heroesg up and reading doont doontz do. A remarkable guy. Disabled veterans. Jon yes. Incredible. Jon is he on the set crossing ts and dotting is. He loved that sentence, jom. Jon. Hey you went to yale. Jon understanding its a prestiges institution let me just say there are thing that happened there that would make me feel better about your self. Let me just tell you briefly if i may, we have a little bit of time. There are five kids from yale. So before the show. I come out and there he is, nice to see you, vegetarian, next question that kind of thing. Were from yale was the question. Its not like i dont know, i dont know the answer. Heres his question. Someone on campus thats been urinating in dryers. And recently theyve taken up to defecating in dryers. What do you think we should do about that. [laughter] ask john schuler. Jon exactly. [applause] jon i didnt get what they got on their sats but anybody can [bleep] a dryer. Is that what its going to take to go to yale. I cant believe i didnt braj graduate from there. Ive done worse than that. I went to a state school. Jon john goodman, amazon dot com on november 15, watch the first three episodes for free and then you end up ordering a power washer for no reason. But theyre damn good power wa according to your analysis, the average increase in any state 441 in the United States. Thats an average. The two. Two, three. drill whirring kids grunting and laughing i got one okay, kids. Put away the dust motes till tomorrow. Its story time. Oh, boy yay ooh todays storyteller is a space captain who grew up right here at the orphanarium. Welcome back the bedwetter of building d, turanga leela. Hi, kids. What book would you like me to read first . We dont got books no more. What . He means anymore. Look, sometimes you got to choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books. Just make something up. Make something up . Um, okay. Once upon a time, there was a. A. Princess . Yes that kids gasping a. Oneeyed princess in a long, flowing. Tank top. And she lived in a magical oneroom
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