Admission. What is going to test his ability to stay in Public Office today . A brand new video of crack smoking mayor of toronto rob ford. bleep he dies or i die. bleep ill rip his throat out his eyes out bleep bleep . [ laughter ] jon all right. Well [laughter] i dont know what he was saying but it clearly looked ike outtakes from tommy boy. This is where its going. [laughter] terrible camera work, by the way. Has it occurred to mayor rob ford that all these videos of him smoking crack and acting crazy are an indication that even his friends are going, no one is going to believe this bleep . [ laughter ] and he is so like its clear to me now that he smokes crack to calm himself. [ laughter ] it be a i dont want to stick my bleep . Jon by the way politifact rated that last statement from the mayor true. [ laughter ] the nfl is full of mysteries like why do the players keep getting concussions and what is up with all the concussions and why do they keep developing brain damage later in life . I guess some mysteries arent meant to he be solved but last week the curtain was pulled back on the Miami Dolphins locker room exposing the underbelly of rookie hazing. Suspended richieage cog neato after allegations he may have bullied Jonathan Martin so bad he may have left the team. Jon first things first, richie incog neato, come on. Thats a name an undercover cop comes up with on the fly one of those Police Academy movies, me . No im richie incog neato. Second of all thats a terrible allegation. I imagine the backlash is fierce. Jonathan mart jane six four 320 pound man. At some point in time you have to stand your ground. Fud a problem with the way he was treating him he had a funny way of showing it. Thats things football teams do. At this level you are a man. You are not a little boy. Jon sorry, when i say backlash i must have meant the one against Jonathan Martin. Apparently this dick incog neato was just incognito was just funning. Dl he do the jock strap itching powder. Incognito harassed martin with a string of texts. What is up you bleep blank. I want to blank in your blanking mouth. You are still a rookie. Ill kill you. [ laughter ] jon that does seem pretty rough unless of course he really was just saying blank. Then its really just a large man shouting mad libs at you. Ill blank in your i need an adjective. I guess thats not he was saying he wanted to bleep in his mouth . That is bad. A little name calling and some Death Threats, its all good. Richie incognito pressured martin to paying 15,000 for a trip to las vegas for a trip martin wasnt even on. Jon that is outrageous. If you want to get someone to bleep in your mouth in las vegas it costs way more than 15,000 although in the las vegas tradition its all you can eat. [laughter] yeah thats right walk away. [ laughter ] ive clearly crossed the line with you people. So lets just get our bearings here. This incognito dude sounds look an bleep . How do they defend this . If youve been in an nfl locker room its a culture unlike any other. Its a culture that exists in football. Its a different environment. Its a different way we function and do things. Jon oh, by all means carry on. Carry on with your Death Threats and racial slurs, i didnt realize it was your culture. Ohh. I will bleep in your mouth look. Unless the Miami Dolphins locker room is 30 miles off shore in International Waters you are still subject to United States law and workplace regulation. Just because you are cool with football culture doesnt mean anybody is. Many say he is a great guy, lots of fun. Life of party. Check this out. bleep bleep bleep mother bleep . [laughter] jon see just a simple fun football guy doing some sort of south florida mating dance. [ laughter ] or maybe he is running for mayor of toronto. I dont know but [cheers and applause] here is the thing, it may be what is that . How is that not held up by two by fours. Here is the thing. It may be super fun for football culture and super fun for you guys to go to a bar and see your sea cow of a teammate go lou ferigno but for nonabout abehems like this guy in the background just trying not to make eye contact and get the bleep away from him this, behavior is terrifying which is probably why you find it so funny. Has there ever been a less apt name for a person thanage collnito than incognito. You know has hard to tell i know its hard to tell where the locker room culture ends and the world begins but here at tds were here to help with a brand new segment. Hi there, were john oliver, jason jones and al. Were part of the best bleep news team on television. We know being part of any team isnt easy. No one is saying ms. A place for playful bawnter. So cheerful even a churro gobbling mexican like al can understand. Thats excellent. Dont call your coworkers racial slurs but do feel to gently tease your coworkers maybe by implying youve had some sort of relations with a lfd one. Jason, tell your mom i left my watch on her nightstand last night. [ laughter ] i will bleep in your mouth and murder you while you bleep okay. Here we are at the second one dont threat ton murder your coworkers. But make no mistakably bleep in your mouth. My mistake that is a dont. Went without saying. Do feel free to poke fun at your coworkers fashion sense. Jason, did you get that tie free in a box of cereal. Hilarious. Very funny. Give me 50,000 or ill bleep . No, jason he will not. Then ill bleep in his mom leave my mom out of this. No, nowhere can i bleep bleep . Anywhere, jason. Forget that. The point is dont extort money from your coworkers. I know its a lot to remember but follow the simple list of dos and donts and youll be on your way to a happy work place in no time. Nice, oliver did you pull it out of your vagina. Were done with this bit, dont worry. What bit . Back to you, jon. Jon thanks, guys. I appreciate it. Wells, guys. Well [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. We turn now to a breaking scandal out of washington, d. C. Hes one of tea parties bigger stars but now senator rand paul stands accused of doing something our third grade teachers would nail us for. Jon oh, snap did he use a magic marker to change clifford the big red dog to clifford the big red bleep . For the record miss ferguson that crushed. Sorry what did he do . Plagiarism. He apparently lifted several lines of his speak directly from wikipedia. In the movie gatica in the too distant future eugenics is common Vincent Freeman is conceive and born the Old Fashioned way without the aid of genetic screening. Jon im going to pretend here that the thing were supposed to be concerned about is that rand paul is supposed to be warning people hes warning the imunt a threat from an ethan hawke movie. They need rookie cops and for one day a year crime is legal and where um [laughter] days are broken. [ laughter ] and a world [laughter] bleep . Where the finest things come from brooklyn and i have no bleep idea. I dont know. I never how many of these all right. A lot of movies i havent seen yet. As far as plagiarism goes and im sure theres a reasonable explanation. I think the spoken word shouldnt be held to the same sort of standard that you have if you are giving a scientific paper. 98 of my speeches are exthem prain us in. Jon that means only 2 of his speeches are plagiarized and most of those are just taylor swift lyrics so really [laughter] the problem is it doesnt stop with speeches. Three pages of rand pauls latest book were directly lifted from conservative think tank documents. Another entire section of the same book was lifted nearly word for word from a foshes article. A September Forbes article. A september op ed written by paul appears to be lifted from an article that appeared in the week. Jon some are raising questions about his memoir of life as a young black woman in the segregated south. [ laughter ] and its becoming increasely clear that mr. Paul has stolen his haircut from 80 hes icon 80s icon patrick duffy. Youre welcome. At least the rand man is handling the allegations in the appropriate manner. I think im being unfairly targeted by a bunch of hacks and haters. The senator paul told the times to tell you the truth people can think what they want. Can i go back to being a doctor any time. If they are tired of me ill go back to be a doctor and ill be perfectly content. Jon you know what . Ill start my own government where awr will yod to copy off other people. Ill start my own country. Ill call it belgium. I came up with that name, belgup. [ laughter ]. Ell be right bel [cheers and applause] jon welcome become. My guest tonight you know him. You love him. You can current be see on broadway in two plays. Please we welcome back to the program patrick stewart. [cheers and applause] nice to see you, my friend. Thank you. [cheers and applause] jon you look fit as a fiddle. Yeah. Jon fit as a fiddle, i say how are you . Good. Been a little under the weather. You can hear it still many my voice but the show goes on, jon. Jon it adds resonance. Thank you. You see jon you are beloved. He have an em em pathic audience. An idea occurred to me because you used the word funny about some of these politicians weve been looking at rand paul and the guy who toronto. Maybe they are not politicians, maybe they areel actually comedians but they have bad script writers. [ laughter ] think about it. Jon can i tell you what you just did there professor x . I blocked your shot. Jon you just blew my bleep mind. [cheers and applause] that was nice. Can i tell you with a there is no more by the way. That is it. Jon that was fine. That will sustain us for a long time. Im shot. Jon no you are not. Two shows at the repertory you should be shot. Yes. Jon here is my thing. You more than almost any of the other actors, people in public, seem to enjoy life to its fullest. Here say photo. I dont know if this is from halloween or what this is do we have the photo . [cheers and applause] this is you. Now my assumption here is oh, that was from halloween but i dont know that. What is that . I could have been in toronto wearing that last. Wearing that. [laughter] i need to know do you have a problem with that photograph . Jon i love that photograph. That brings me such joy because it looks like it brings you such joy. Like, you seem to be so tickled in that. I dont know is that were you selected out of that . Are you playing look it looks like hey, lets play restaurant and [laughter] and then people just walk by and go yeah, ill take that one. The thing is people have pointed out that i shouldnt have been pink because if i was pink i was dead. Jon who pointed that out . A lot of people on twitter pointed that very thing out. If you were a live lobster with a smile on his face he should have been black or gray. Jon sure. And if he was six feet tall he should be in a circus. All i get from that picture is pure joy. There are people literally that will see that and saying you are the wrong color for a lip lobster live lobster. One has to do with my wife who has a great sense of humor. We were going to a Halloween Party and i explained to her im an actor. We dont put on costumes. We leave that to civilians because we spend our days wearing costumes. She sent off. She found this thing online. She sent off for it. She took it out of box and show the it to me. His to put it on. His to put it on. I had to put it on. Jon i love it. I have to come clean and say it was a Musician Friend of hers. Jon they are out there, baby. Who said youve got to put them in the bath. [ laughter ] and we have fun with this. If it makes us laugh we like to share it. Jon why not . Its totally joyful. Thats what i feel in about the guy in cronto. Look at the fun. Jon i watch that and i know were going to be laughing. I tape at 6 30 and i have this utter feeling well tape at 6 00 and at 8 00 theyll report mayor rob fords heart exploded. That guy needs help. You are right. Ill make no more rob ford comments. Jon let me say this i will [cheers and applause] but i will do it with very mixed emotions. Interesting. Jon i want to seesm tell these people about the plays. Two fabulous plays doing them with ian mckellan. We could watch you read menus but this is fabulous. With ian and Billy Cruddup and two american companies. Ian wanted to do waiting for gaddeaun in new york. I wanted to do no mans land and our director said lets put the two plays together. Both plays have four male why am i holding my hands jon i dont know. But all i can think aboutsome you as a lobster. Help me go see them currently playing at the Court Theater right here in new york city. Youll have an amazing time. Patric jon thats our show. Here it is your moment of zen. All aboard as we reunite the entire cast classic tv show the love boat. But first based on reports incognito called martin the n but first based on reports incognito called martin the n word, made references to h captioning sponsored by mtv Television Networks cause we got a little convoy rockin through the night yeah, we got a little convoy aint she a beautiful sight . Come on and join our convoy aint nothing gonna to get in our way were gonna roll this trucking convoy across the u. S. A. , convoy breaker, big ben, this heres the duck you want to back off them hogs . 104. Hmm, i better check the fluid levels. Were okay on coke syrup. Oh, man, come on explosion coming through unzipping