>> and now today's government closings are as follows. somalia, ivory coast, lib ya, most of afghanistan, half of haiti, and egypt will have a partial military government. all other countries are on a regular schedule. >> stephen: oh, man! (laughter) >> stephen: what a gyp. (applause) now i'll never get to sled down a hill of unemployed federal workers. (laughter) >> stephen: but folks, as up set as i am, just think about all of those poor out of work countdown clocks. >> we're watching that clock as it tickses down to a possible government shutdown. >> as you can see we have the countdown clock on the left of your screen. >> the shutdown clock is tick and tick. >> the count town to the shutdown. >> we have a countdown clock t is very large. >> huge. >> it's the size of a whole-- more than a torso. (laughter) >> stephen: why does erin burnett immediately use size of a torso? i think someone should checker crawl space. now folks, hi a countdown clock too. and i had to stop it with an hour left to go. but mi determined to get my money's worth out of it. so here we are, counting down, 58 minutes until a future rama rerun. incidentally, incidentally,-- (applause) >> stephen: folks, this clock will also work for any of my five rebroadcasts tomorrow. because on comedy central you're never more than an hour away from a futurerama rerun. well, now that congress has overcome their differences and found a way to compromise, we can pov on to the more important question, who won? within the winner tonight is john boehner. >> ultimately the president came out looking good in this. because he came out looking as the adult in the room. >> john boehner won. >> top two would be president obama, he does look like a unifier like this but i think john boehner was a big win never this as well. >> stephen: no, they can't both look good. one person has to be broken and weeping on the floor in the fetal position while the other stands over him cackling in triumph. you know, compromise. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, by am afraid the winner might actually be barack obama. he is certainly acting like it he took a victory lap at the lincoln memorial. >> i just want to say real quick that because congress was able to settle its differences, that's why this place is open today and everybody is able to enjoy their visit. and that's the kind of future cooperation i hope we have going forward. >> stephen: it's the defining moment of his presidency. he went to the lincoln memorial, which has no doors. and celebrated it being open. (laughter) >> stephen: and remember,-- (applause) and remember just then, if you listen, he said he hopes there's more of this kind of cooperation. and that's delivering on his campaign sloling an. i hope to make the government just functional enough to keep the lincoln memorial open. (laughter) >> stephen: you want more proof that obama won? republicans gave up cutting all funding to planned parenthood. what a waste of money. who plans for parenthood? you chug five wine coolers on new year's eve, wake up in a strange bed, then come september you are hanging a duckie mobile inside the walk-in closet. it's the way god intended. (applause) >> stephen: planned parenthood-- planned parenthood should not get a dime of federal money. and arizona senator jon kyl knows why. >> if you want an abortion, you go to planned parenthood. and that's well over 90% of what planned parenthood does. >> stephen: over 90%. that is unbelievable. in that it is not true. (laughter) >> stephen: because only 3% of what planned parenthood does is abortions. kyl just rounded up to the nearest 90. (laughter) >> stephen: besides, when this 87% discrepancy was pointed out, kyl's office immediately released the following statement to cnn. >> and you know what, i just want to give it to you verbatim it says his remark was not intended to be a factual statement-- (laughter) >> stephen: see? it was not intended to be a factual statement. you can't call him out for being wrong when he never intended to be right. (laughter) >> stephen: i got to say, that is an amazingly liberating degg fence. now i can say thanks like jon kyl has a-- tail and it's not where you think it would be. (laughter) >> stephen: there's a reason he never wears a tank top. note, that was not intended to be a factual statement. speaking of never intending to give factual statements, fox and friends. this weekend they explained why there is no need for planned parenthood, even if 97% of their services are contraception, breast cancer screening, std testing and other services like pap smears. >> because as a brown haired guy whose's not steve doocy told the blond haired guy who is steve doocy and the blond haired girl who is not gretchen carlson, america already has a trusted place for those services, jim? >> he was talking about planned parenthood being this great provider where women can get blood pressure checks and pap smears and breast -- >> which you can get at walgreen's. >> exactly right. >> stephen: exactly. you can get a pap smear or a breast exam at walgreen's. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: i'm pretty sur sure-- i'm pretty sure they're between the swiffer refills and the cat litter. ladies just look for the stirrup. (laughter) >> stephen: i know walgreens is where i go for all my medical needs. just last week i got my annual colonoscopy at the photo center. (laughter) i sqal owed a waterproof disposable camera. and a bag boy punched me in the gut to make the shutter go off. (applause) (cheers and applause) hung out in the coffee aisle until it passed and an hour later got a clean bill of health-- (laughter) and an hour later got a clean bill of health and a free set of doubles for my family. by the way-- by the way speaking of families, did you know that jon kyl has had sexual relations with all of his first cousins? and that is intended to be a factual statement. (laughter) >> stephen: note, that last statement about the previous statement being a factual statement, that was not intended to be a factual statement. 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[singing] ♪ do you need anything from the store. like 2% milk or skim? ♪ or just getting around words that are really hard to spell. tell the mcdonahaney's that we can't go camping because our exchange student, thelonious, has arachnophobia, which is a shame because we prepared a smorgasbord of charcuterie for his bicentennial jamboree. ♪ feon brand name mattress sets. years interest-free financing plus, get free delivery, and sleep train's 100-day low price guarantee. sleep train's interest free for 3 event ends sunday. ♪ your ticket to a better night's sleep ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, nation, i always try to eat locally. in that if something is within arm's reach i jam it in my mouth. this is thought for food. >> stephen: folks, i'm a chock-oholic and it's becoming a problem. some mornings i wake up in a pud em of my own nugget. unfortunately the good stuff is getting really expens expense-- expensive. over the past four years cocoa prices have shot up so high that mars had to let one of the musketeers go. and based with this cocoa conundrum, candy makers need cheaper ingredients. it turns out the answer was right under their noses as well as in their noses. because candy makers like nestle have been putting air in their candy bars to help pump up profits. air, of course, the same things that make tires so delicious. hmmmm, they're like high speed doughnuts. plus, paul pruitt, c.e.o. of a company that sells air ated chocolate says, quote, adding air pockets offers a better mouth experience. (laughter) >> stephen: by the way, mouth experience is also the name of the very worst ride at epcot. and americans, folks, americans need air pockets, at the rate we shovel food in our face t might be the only way to get oxygen. (laughter) >> stephen: and as an added bonus the air can also create the appearance of a larger chocolate bar since it bulked up the candy. so candy bars are bigger because they are filled with air. then americans aren't really obese, they're just overinflated. that deep hole in your belly is just a release valve. well, i say if some air makes candy bars taste better, then more air must make it taste best which is why i'm proud to introduce steven-- stephen colbert's chocygen bar, the first 100% air dessert. get in here. daddy's hungry. hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. well, they really package these things. hmmmm, hmmmm, oh. hmmmm, oh, be hmmmm. so light. you know, i know i shouldn't but i'm going to have another. (laughter) >> stephen: oh my gosh, oh, boy, oh, oh, oh. i am really inhaling these things. of course man cannot live on air alone. when i get hungry, i always know where to go for good food at a good price. an when that place is closed i go to denny'ses. now it looks like every one's favorite diner chain is addressing the one flaw on their menu. the existence of dishes without bacon. jim? >> come celebrate bacon-- we're open to seven new ways to enjoy bacon like the bacon sampler, bacon meatloaf, even a bacon sundae. >> yes, the maple bacon sundae made with maple syrup, vanilla ice cream and diced bacon. finally an answer to the question what if we scrape the breakfast disheses into the freezer instead of the garbage? denny's is also offering the triple bacon sampler which features bacon, turkey bacon, pepper bacon, bacon cheddar hash browns and two made to order. they have yet to find chickens that lay bacon. get on it, science. now you may be asking what if after eating 12 course of fried pork i still don't smell enough like bacon. well i'm happy to tell you the answer is bacon, a new cole own of essential oils, flours, herbs and the essence of bacon. not to be confused with essence of bacon, the new vanity fragrance by kevin bacon. it is six degrees of sensual. folks, i plan to use bacone for all occasions, romantic brunches, black tie butcher shop openings and if i dab a little behind the ears before my morning run i'm sure to get in killer shape. best of all eating bacon and smelling like bacon puts me one step closer to the american dream of being bacon. i'm already well marbled and my personal tanning consultant has warned me against getting any crispier. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) vo: this is the hp x360. it has some pretty crazy moves. and these are some of the biggest vine, instagram, and youtube stars on the web. bring them all together with one of the hottest artists in the world... and you create a music video like never before. now that's how you bend the rules. introducing the next generation hp x360. ♪ ah, ♪ h it. ♪ push it. ♪ p...push it real good! ♪ ♪ ow! ♪ oooh baby baby...baby baby. if you're salt-n-pepa, you tell people to push it. ♪ push it real good. it's what you do. ♪ ah. push it. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. ♪ ah. push it. i'm pushing. i'm pushing it real good! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guests tonight are the hosts of the discovery channel's mythbusters. together we will blow up one lucky member of the audience. please welcome adam savage and jay me hyneman. (cheers and applause) hey, guys. good to see you. >> hello. >> stephen: you guys started your new season on what, last wednesday. what is the first thing you blew up. have you blown anything up yet? >> no, we actually did mission impossible masks. we had masks made of each other and then jamie was me and i was jamie and i got to disco dance as jamie, that was pretty cool. >> stephen: that was a test to see if you could make that mission impossible switcheroo. i think we have a clip. let's show what you did. >> while facing off against a myth about identity theft, -- >> wow. >> adam and jamie have incredibly accurate handmade masks made. >> oh my god. >> this is -- >> i was thinking of going someplace and kicking a puppy and then they would blame it on you. >> good girl. good girl. >> she is very confused. >> new that's your dog. >> yes. >> and your dog thought you were him. >> exactly. >> stephen: so they don't smell us, they actually look at us. >> it would appear so. >> stephen: so you busted two myths then. >> right there, yeah. >> stephen: wow. do you make more purposeful discoveries or more accidental discoveries with your show? >> i would say it's about 50/50, honestly. >> yeah. >> the dog test came up as jamie just suggested it because he had his dog for the day and thought we should just try that out. and we thought it was going to be a bust and the dog turned out to totally go right for me as jamie. >> yeah, because my wife has this thing when she gets home, she will say to zero, our dog, where's jamie. and it's a game they play. and she will go through every room until she finds me. we thought we would try that here and we were both just astonished that it didn't work. >> stephen: you have thought that perhaps your dog was the variable. maybe you have a particularly untalented dog. >> that could be. >> stephen: okay, have you ever-- have there been any myths that you would like to test but can't? >> well, we still, we did the whole episode on busting the conspiracy theory that the moon landing was fake. and there are some people who are still unconvinced. so we would love to if time, money were no object build a spaceship, go to the moon and come back with a piece of apollo hardware all in one take. >> stephen: that would be cool. can't you get a telescope strong enough to see the apollo stuff on the moon. >> we researched it, and no, not even the hubbell can resolve the images of the moon to a tight enough resolution to see actual footprints or apollo hardware. >> stephen: would you be open to the idea that it didn't happen, or are you-- do you want to prove it? see? see, see. >> in this i have to admit to some bias that we've already been there. i believe absolutely unequivocally that of course we went there. >> stephen: then are you unqualified to have to check. how i do know are you not going to bring a piece of equipment up there. i can't trust you now. are you like evolutionary scientist, they will do anything to prove that it's real. they are-- how i do know they're not burying dinosaur bones in the earth. can you bust evolution? >> yes, we could but it would be the most boring show ever it would take years and years and years and would be very slow there would be a lot of fruit flies. >> stephen: just take a glass of water, put a little lid on top, come back in half an hour f it's not a tiny dolphin, then it did not adapt. >> i don't really think that's a complete enough test really. >> stephen: good enough for me. >> i have got a couple i wouldn't mind you testing. baby with the bathwater. what's the actual myth. >> stephen: don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. >> why? >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know why. and so i-- you find out whether that is good or bad. you take a bath and you put a baby in it and you throw out the water and the baby goes with it, and you see whether that is good or bad. >> but there has to be a presupposition from the beginning that it is good or bad. >> stephen: we say it is bad, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. they are saying you shouldn't do it. >> i'm not against doing it you about i don't need to do it to know that it's bad. >> stephen: i thought you were curious. >> stephen: how about early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise, ben franklin. get tory and grant, give them each $100 bucks, okay, test their wasal metabolic rate, health test there at the beginning, and give them an intelligence test. and then over the course of two weeks one goes to bed early and wakes up early, one stays up late and gets up late and test them again two weeks later and see who's got more cash. >> that is exactly how we would do that test. (laughter) (applause) >> pretty much exactly, yes. am thank you. >> stephen: what can we look forward to. can you tease us with a big one coming up. >> yes, we've got reverse engineering coming up. it is reverse engineering. >> yes, reverse engineering. >> stephen: what dow mean. >> there is a myth that back in the '80s a sports car was made that was so poorly designed that it was more heir dynamic going backwards than forward. >> stephen: what is it. >> i can't say the name of it. >> stephen: legally. >> legally i can't say the name of it. so we cut it off its chassis, flipped it 180 and put it back down and raced it against the counterpart. it's fantastic. >> stephen: i won't ask but i will watch. >> it's pretty stunning. and carry grant and tory tested the myth of blue ice character a bathroom airplane bathroom fail and send an ice chunk of urine down to earth killing people. >> stephen: where did that myth come from. >> it came from ice chunks fallinging are from the sky killing people that turned out to be urine. >> stephen: thank you so much, jamie thanks so much. the mythbusters, wednesdays on discovery channe ♪ ♪ now through christmas eve, get 30 percent off hundreds of gifts. at zales. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, trouble in wisconsin. somebody snuck in a vegetable. then some of baseball's cherished records are threatened. don't worry, barry bonds, your head size record is still safe. and my guest anthony bourdain travels the country in search of the best food. i'll ask him which country has the best olive garden. cargill has recalled ground turkey. personally, i don't know why anybody would buy ground turkey taint. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] thank you so much. thank you. thank you. that sound of your chanting is so soothing it's like putting a seashell up to your ear into which you have stuffed your own ego. [laughter] nation, it's barack obama's 50th birthday. [cheering and applause]