It comes out tomorrow, but for some reason oh its here now so beautiful you are worse than useless. I hate you youre perfect and i will never stop loving you. laughter ooh, this one came preloaded with nude photos of bono laughter oh, im glad i got the 6 plus. laughter and i really needed this new gadget because its no secret that we are slaves to our electronic devices. At least thats what siri told me to say. laughter every day, we bury our heads in our phones, desperate to download every terabyte of information in the world, and the only price we pay is missing the world around us. Wow, thats pretty deep i should tweet that. But luckily, theres a new app designed to help you screen your screen time. Need a realty check on how many times a day you check your phone . Theres a new app for that called checky. It will show you how many times you check the phone stephen yes, checky. It beats the previous way to tell if you were checking your phone too much walking into a mall fountain. laughter applause stephen caught me offguard there. Checky is a worthy successor to my previous favorite app for limiting phone usage, battery. laughter i installed checky today on the new phone, and i gotta admit, i have been checking my phone a lot today, to make sure everyone sees me checking my new phone a lot today. In fact im already up to 65 checks. Actually, i better check checky to check that. Whoa 66 hold on. 67 wait a second. 68 im on a streak but wait, it gets even moreerer. So the best part, you can actually compare your phone checking average with other friends who also use the app. Stephen thats right. Right now, every time i check my phone 69 new high score cheering my friends get to see if ive checked my phone more times than theyve checked theirs. And let me tell you 70 im killing it in my fantasy checky league. laughter the league, so far, is just me and all my closest friends. Theres. Uh. Lets see. One of them has brown hair. No, thats me. laughter anyway, im sure i have a lot of friends. Just look how cool my phone is. laughter nation, with terror groups running roughshod all over the middle east, america faces an existential threat unlike any this country has ever known, and its name is barack obama. cuz when it comes to igniting a clash of civilizations based on centuries old animosity, this guys heart just isnt in it. Listen to his noncommittal commitment of American Forces. As i have said before, these American Forces will not have a combat mission. We will not get dragged into another ground war in iraq. Stephen well, not with that attitude we wont laughter because theres one thing this Administration Says they wont do. The white house continues to insist there will be no boots on the ground. The president has determined that those boots will not be american boots that are on the ground. The notion that the United States should be putting boots on the ground, i think, would be a profound mistake. Stephen of course there wont be american boots on the ground. Our shoes are all made in china. laughter okay. So stop worrying cheers and applause you claim no boots on the ground. But what about the 1,600 troops already there . Do they not have boots . Are they barefoot . They could stub a toe and the v. A. Is already overwhelmed laughter im confused. What the hell does any of this mean . Heres why the president is so sure there will be no boots on the ground. Because he just changed the name to forward deployment. We know what that means. Why cant you call boots on the ground boots on the ground . Who are these boots on the ground . Who are the boots . Whose boots are they . Where are these boots coming from . Somebodys imagination or are they real . I would assume theyre boots on the ground unless theyre in that michael j. Fox, uh, hovercraft. That skateboard. Stephen well, obama . Are the boots not on the ground because theyre on that michael j. Fox hoverboard . Or are they on the ground o are they not on the ground because our troops are turned into teen wolves and are dunking a basketball now . Which michael j. Fox movie is the . Please dont say casualties of war. Fortunately, fox news guest and h. P. Lovecraft tribute name Peter Hegseth was able to resolve all the questions about the footwear, as well as the footwhen, and the footwhy. Jim . So this right here, gretchen, is a conventional Standard Army issue combat boot. This is what a trigger puller would wear. This is what i wore in iraq. This is the massive armed forces. No one is talking about bringing them or having them on the ground at this point. What were talking about is a boot like this. This is a boot of a special operator or one that they might wear. These this is what were talking about. I guess the point that youre making is the boots that you brought to the show today may look different, but a boot is a boot. Theyre both boots. laughter stephen yes theyre both boots folks, this right here, that that is the type of indepth reporting you can only get from fox news or zappos laughter applause the point is, different troops wear different boots. Which raises the question which footwear are we willing to put on the ground . I mean, obama said he wouldnt put boots on the ground. But apparently, that was a total croc, because now hes flipflopping, which is making the American People say ugg and bleep . laughter applause ive always said obama was a loafer. But with his constant golfing, now he just looks like some kind of clown laughter cuz he knows boots on the ground are a slippery slope, and the last thing he needs is another wedge issue. He needs to stop converseing with our allies and just do it cowboy cheers and applause otherwise, the whole country is going to be taking it in the booty. Well be right back. vo you are a business pro. Solver of the slice. Teacher of the unteachable. You lower handicaps. And raise hopes. And you. Rent from national. Because only national lets you choose any car in the aisle. And go. You can even take a fullsize or above, and still pay the midsize price. pro nice drive. vo well played, business pro. Well played. Go national. Go like a pro. Im saving a ton of time by posting them to my wall. Oh, i like that one. Its so quick its just like my car insurance. I saved 15 in just 15 minutes. I saved more than that in half the time. I unfriend you. Thats not how it works. Thats not how any of this works. [ male announcer ] 15 minutes for a quote isnt how it works anymore. With esurance, 7 1 2 minutes could save you on car insurance. Welcome to the modern world. Esurance. Backed by allstate. Click or call. Welcome to the modern world. Applebees let the fans put thefamous 2 for 20 menu. The i put the wonton tacos on applebees 2 for 20 menu because i love them. And, i am old enough to know what love is were still talking about tacos. Right . Applebees. Where fans know best. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much cheers and applause nation, i love the n. F. L. Its americas top forum for discussing issues of domestic violence. And i understand the employees also get together and play ball on the weekends. laughter and the biggest but not the latest sad news out of the n. F. L. Is the arrest of Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson on charges of child abuse. After he spanked his son so hard with a switch the boy suffered injuries all over his body. Really makes you nostalgic for the days when players were accidentally shooting themselves through their sweat pants. laughter peterson was suspended indefinitely this week and fox news senior nerf football chucker, sean hannity, was not pleased. laughter i got hit with a strap, bam, bam, bam and i have never been to shrink by my father. I will tell you that i deserved it. I think he went too far, but i dont want to see this guy get a felony. I dont want to see this guy lose his job. There is a difference between spanking and child abuse, spanking and corporal punishment. But we grew up in a time i got it like this agh, agh, agh stephen Pumpkin PatchPumpkin Patch im sorry. Thats the safe word sean and i agreed on. But hannity is right on this one. Adrian peterson went too far, but the man deserves a second chance. After all, seans dad whipped him with a belt, and he never needed to go to a psychotherapist he just has to have them on his show three times a week. laughter and sean went on to explain just how unaffected he was by his childhood experience he cant stop mentioning. So my father should have been arrested based on todays standards . Maybe, yes. That is nuts. I will tell you, i was not mentally bruised because my father hit me with a belt. Stephen no, he was physically bruised. Mentally, he grew up to be a psychologically healthy adult who cleaves desperately to Strong Authority figures, lashes out at perceived weakness and takes his belt off on live tv. laughter still, it didnt take long for hannitys Great American panel to turn into a Great American intervention. Were going to arrest everybody that has ever hit their kids . But its a changing time. Changing time. Did your dad stick leaves in your mouth like Adrian Peterson my dad punched me in the face when i talked back to him once, and i deserved it. Stephen see . All hannity is saying is that some children deserve to be punched in the face. Although it is sad to see that, so many years later, the swelling still hasnt gone down. laughter the point is, our countrys gone soft. Not like in my day. When i was a kid and i didnt eat my peas, my mom would bash me over the head with a folding chair. laughter when i stayed out past dark, i could expect to see my dad waiting in the kitchen with a burlap sack and a rabid badger. laughter and i wont soon forget the time peepop got me in a full nelson, and then tagged in my grandma, who came in off the top rope with an elbow drop that made me think twice about not wearing my retainer. laughter and i deserved it every time. Not because i made an innocent childhood mistake, but because i am a bad, bad person. I am a failure disappointing everyone i love, even you, toots. audience reacts even you im so sorry you hate me because i cant be loved crying cryin crying oh, god schm im embarrassing myself on national television. Theres only one way ill learn. This will teach you to lose control on Television Never let them see who you really are laughter anyway, keep up the good work, sean. Ill see you at the group on wednesday laughter well be right back. To the people of the coffeedrinking world. The time has come to put down the dark roast youve been putting up with and reach for the one you deserve. Dunkin donuts dark roast is here. Bold start, smooth finish, never bitter. Captain obvious this is a creepy room. Man oh hey, captain obvious. Captain obvious you should have used hotels. Com. Their genuine guest reviews are written by guests who have genuinely stayed there. Instead of people who lie on the internet. Captain heres a review, its worse in person. Im gonna be the perfect mom. Herman . 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We gave it new, smart technology. We challenged conventional thinking with a more intuitive design. And we set new expectations of what an american sedan can be. The allnew chrysler 200. Americas import. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is an acclaimed filmmaker who got his start with monty pythons flying circus, and now he does something completely different. Please welcome Terry Gilliam cheers and applause stephen im a huge fan i love you, Steve Correll oh, oh, ahhh how do we look . laughter whoo cheers and applause whoo cheers and applause Stephen Terry hey thanks for coming on thank you stephen thank you for being here tonight and wearing what i assume is your formal bathrobe. Mmhmm. Yes. Stephen terry, good to see you. Its good to be in the temple of colbert. Stephen thank you so much. Ill take the extra t. Im saving them and sending them off to the french colonel any. Colony. In your movie are monkeys and in this one called the zero theorem, the future is not the happiest place. Why do you see the future as bleak . Maybe things all work out in the future. Have you watched the film . Stephen i saw 40 seconds of it. Thats enough. Exactly. Its what i suspected all along. I have been brought here, and as you see the works, the speaking Foreign Language its the way the french pronounce colonecolbert. Stephen why dont we see a little bit. Do you really want to . Stephen not really. Lets see a little. Its the the zero theorem. Okay. indiscernible talking, a variety of noises stephen will i be sad when i leave the movie . You will. But you will laugh before youre sad. You will go through all the emotions life can give us. Stephen will i be a sadder, but wider man . Wider, sadder, but when you reflect on it later, you will realize you stay truth and youre a man who believes in truth. Stephen i live in my truth laughter my truth is what i wish to be truth not what the facts support. I dont want to be sadder and wiser, i want to be happier and dumber. Now you understand why i havent renounced my american citizenship. Stephen because you dont want to be a happy idiot . Yes i think you put it beautifully laughter i dont need to say anything. applause stephen in brazil, it was big government. Yes. Stephen you seem more afraid or threatened by corporations. I think we ought to. I think you might even agree with me on some of this. Stephen probably not. Stephen, stephen. Stephen tell the people watching this great viacom program why corporations are bad right now. laughter i think weve got to reach across this gap thats separating us. Lets hold hands and think together. Stephen okay. Corporations stephen corporations, yes, theyre people. They make us happy. Stephen they do because they provide things like this. This beautiful thing. Exactly. Stephen this is a beautiful thing of the future. Oh, okay. Yes, that old thing applause laughter youve got to get yourself a new girl this one doesnt have the unsightly bulge in the trousers. Its the old one. Stephen oh really . But this one makes me look happy to see you. laughter in the movie, chris owns he owns nothing. Hes the man who worked for a corporation. Hes incredibly skilled at the computer activity. Stephen the playing two pianos. He can do that as well. Hes an actor, a character and brilliant pianist in private life. But were not talking about that. Were talking about the movie. Hes a computer genius and he has a task of solving the zero theorem to prove everything is meaningless. All is nothing. Stephen maybe nothing is all. Glass half full, half empty. Stephen maybe half full. Maybe full of urine and you wouldnt want to drink it laughter yes. But thats his task. The problem is hes antisocial. Hes not a social networker. He tries to disconnect from that and work at home like so many of us dream of. Stephen is this auto biographical . Do you like people, terry . What i like to call is post or prepost auto biographical. Prepostauto biographical. Is that on the aspergers scale . laughter there you go. As a director, i have to identify with my main character. Other wise, how can you answer the questions. During the movie, we laughed a lot and made jokes. In the end, i found i had become the character christoph played so brilliantly in the film. I love my computer. My wife has begun to question my sexuality. Stephen that outfit doesnt help. laughter her oshkosh dungare es, we balance. I think its good for men to discover their femininity and women to discover their masculinity. Stephen as long as you have a safe word. Pumpkin patch, terry. Pumpkin patch. I dont want to push you here. Stephen youre not pushing me at all. The point is will you and can you be comfortable wearing Womens Clothing . Stephen terry, i wish i had time to show you. Im very comfortable wearing Womens Clothing. 811, tribeca grand hotel. laughter stephen Terry Gilliam, the zero theorem opens tomorrow tomorrow well be right guinness master brewers tproudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. Deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaictm and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. The First Addition in the new guinness discovery series. Discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself. New guinness blonde american lager. Tmobthan verizon and at t. Data capacity per customer its a network that puts data where you need it most. A Network Designed Data strong. Im not sick im not sick shes perfectly healthy cigna covers preventive care. Thats having your back. Maestro of project management. Baron of the buildout. You need a permit. To be this awesome. And you. Rent from national. Because only national lets you choose any car in the aisle. And go. And only national is ranked highest in car rental Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. aaron purrrfect. vo meeeow, business pro. Meeeow. Go national. Go like a pro. No sign of him yet. Keep looking. [ narrator ] their mission to get Richard Sherman his campbells chunky soup. Hi, baby hi, mama take us home wow its new chunky beerncheese with beef and bacon soup. Beer. Cheese. Beef. Bacon. I love it. And mama loves you. [ all ] awwwwww it fills you up right. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report, everybody good night cheers and applause cheers and applause sorry. cheers and applause jon welcome to the show tonight a gentleman by the name of stephen johnson, author of how we got to now, a very timely book because it is now. Breaking news today attorney general eric holder is stepping down after nearly six years on the job. Eric has agreed to stay on as attorney general until i nominate a successor confirmed by the senate. Jon so he will never leave laughter hes not only acting onny