eagle caw cheers and applause stephen whoo whoo audience chanting Stephen Stephen thank you, nation thank you so much cheers and applause well come to the report thank you so much beautiful great tuesday night here in new york city. Ladies and gentlemen, i am samson and your cheering is my long hair thanks for being here nation, i am a huge fan of the game of footedball. Every sunday, i invite my bros over, grill up some brats, crack a couple of cold ones, forget to take the brats off the grill, burn down my house, apologize to my bros, and hold a vigil for lenny. laughter so naturally, im all over the huge controversy surrounding last nights game between the oh, shoot i can never remember the teams names. Lets say the new england. Big guys versus the kansas city uh chiefs. Oh, theyre actually called the chiefs . Good to know. Thanks. Uh, buddy. Jim . N. F. L. Referees calling a 15yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on chiefs safety Husain Abdullah for dropping to his knees in prayer after scoring a touchdown on monday night football. Abdullahs a devout muslim. He was practicing the sajda, a religious prayer. Stephen yes, a muslim person prayed in the end zone. And even more shocking i was allowed to play footage without the express written consent of the National Football league. Somethings very, very wrong i didnt even know there were muslim Football Players. How can they play if theyre not allowed to touch pigskin . laughter whats going to happen . Well have to switch to halal balls. laughter but theres an even bigger scandal than a muslim being penalized for his religious beliefs the n. F. L. Said they shouldnt have done it. laughter they released a statement this morning saying that the referee is not to flag a player who goes to the ground as part of a religious expression and, as a result, there should have been no penalty on the play. No penalty on the play . How about holding. The wrong religious beliefs . laughter okay . We all know football is a christian sport. Thats why we have plays like the hail mary and the lateral judas. And, in football, we thank only jesus. Tim tebow was so good at it, we started calling praying tebowing. Though these days, tebowing means bagging grocery at a safeway. laughter football works like this players thank jesus after every touchdown. Then whoever wins is the team jesus loved more. laughter by the way, jacksonville jaguars, i dont know what you did to anger god, but i would apologize. laughter but now with muslims in the end zone, all thats changed. Dont get me wrong im all for pitting christianity against islam to find out who has the best god. laughter my moneys on the jman. Whenever his electrolytes are low, he can turn water into gatorade. laughter but where does it end . How many other religious celebrations will we be forced to watch . Druid players planning a tree . Buddhists releasing a box turtle . Scientologists giving the other team a stress test . Bottom line, this will applause bottom line, this will completely ruin the game of football. And that job is already filled by roger goodell. laughter nation, the 2016 president ial election is just around the corner, where it is waiting to hit america with a board that has nails sticking out of it. Republicans are already warming up. Last weekend they gathered for the 9th annual values voter summit. A fourday orgy of people fundamentally opposed to orgies. laughter there were so many great speakers, and also sarah palin, who urged the audience to never back down. They scream racism just to end debate. Well, dont retreat. You reload with truth, which i know is an endangered species at, uh, 1400 pennsylvania avenue, anyway. Truth. laughter stephen yes, truth is in short supply at 1400 pennsylvania avenue. laughter everyone there keeps insisting its a plaza in front of the willard hotel. laughter but you wont hear any of that from the liberal nbc news over at 20 rock. laughter of course, the values voter summit holds the first big straw poll of every president ial election. This years winner was ted cruz who surged to 25 of the vote up from 42 in 2013. laughter ted cruz, to know him is to eh. laughter but when it comes to 2016, im jindal all the way. Governor bobby jindal finished a strong fourth in the straw poll and im not surprised. Bobby jindals a twoterm governor of louisiana, a champion of small business, and starting this year, hes allowed to stay out past 11 00. Unfortunately, hes got a few skeletons in his closet. Hes a Rhodes Scholar with a masters in Political Science from oxford, and he ran the university of louisiana system. Hes an academic, or as one Senior Campaign strategist described him. laughter yeah, thats going to haunt him applause and last year jindal lectured the base about the g. O. P. s electoral problems. We have got to stop insulting the intelligence of voters. We need to trust the smarts of the american people. Stephen well, i say, if being so tuned you cant complete a metaphor is wrong, then make lemonade laughter and jindals proknowledge agenda has hurt his popularity. In recent cnn, orc, wnba poll of New Hampshire republicans, jindal got only 3 of respondents, tied with rick santorum, and falling just short of no one at 4 , which i say he can use to his advantage. Jindal 2016 no one is more popular laughter applause but recently, jindal set out to convince people hes a downhome guy whos learned to stop learning. Do you personally believe the theory of evolution explains the complex life on earth . Look, the reality is i was not an evolutionary biologist. Stephen yes, the reality is he was not an evolutionary biologist. He just graduated from Brown University with an honors degree in biology. laughter but come on nobody uses their College Degree in real life. I went to dartmouth but i dont use my degree in diploma withheld due to Outstanding Library book. laughter true story, by the way. And jindal knows what its like to be handicapped by knowledge, so he wants to make sure others dont have to suffer the same fate. I want my kids to be taught about evolution in their school. What i believe as a father and a husband is that local schools should make decisions on how they teach. I think local districts should make decisions about what should be taught in their classrooms. Stephen exactly. Jindal believes evolution should be established science only on a local basis. Take the galapagos islands. On one of them, the finches evolved longer beaks to punch holes in cactus fruit. On another island, the beaks were shorter because jesus. And jindal was refreshingly jindal is on a retreat from knowledge. For example, he should insist that thunder is just god bowling, and lightning is god getting his picture taken with his bowling trophy. And yes, the lightning comes before the thunder, which would mean god got his trophy just before playing his game. But you know what they say god bowls in mysterious ways. So i applaud bobby jindal for deftly floating his president ial trial balloon. But dont call it that, because the science isnt in on ballooning yet. I mean, if hot air rises, how come hell is below us . Well be right back. cheers and applause rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Everybody knows that. Well, did you know you that former pro Football Player ickey woods will celebrate almost anything . Unhuh. Number 44. Whoooo fortyfour, thats me get some cold cuts. Get some cold cuts. Get some cold cuts whooo gimme some geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Whoo fortyfour ladies, thats me whoo. Gonna get some cold cuts today hey set, hike go wide cheering yeah touchdown nice catch whos ready for half time . Yes ok im going to draw something up new. Wide receiver goes deep all the way to the corner and. Who ate the quarterback . Share what you love with who you love. Kelloggs frosted flakes. Theyre grrreat anncvideoconferences its youof the day. Rtant hi hi, buddy anncr thats why the wifi and free hot breakfast are something to smile about. And good reasons to book now. Feel the hamptonality yeah, girl you know, ive been thinking about us and, uh, i just cant fight it anymore its bundle time bundle mm, feel those savings, baby and thats how a home and auto bundle is made. Better he learns it here than on the streets. The miracle of bundling now, thats progressive. Ghave a nice flight r bag right here. Traveling can feel like one big mystery. Youre never quite sure what is coming your way. But when youve got an entire company who knows that the most ontime flights are nothing if we cant get your things there too. Its no wonder more People Choose delta than any other airline. Stephen welcome back. Folks, i dont think its any surprise. Im not going to break any news here when i say i consider myself a positive guy. But now a recent study has made me sad about being happy, because researchers have found that people with pessimistic views of the future were more likely to live longer an healthier lice than those with a longer and healthier lives than those with a rosier outlook. Thats right, negative nellies live longer a phenomenon known as the mccain effect. The reason, researchers say, is that those who are defensively pessimistic may be more likely to invest in preparatory or precautionary measures. For instance, a man who always insists on wearing protection is less likely to get a girl pregnant. Just like a man who always insists on wearing a parachute is also less likely to get a girl pregnant. laughter the same report had bad news for happy people. Dr. Dilip jeste explains. Excessive or overconfidence can create problems. It may produce feelings of invincibility, and that could result in unnecessary risktaking. For example, teenagers or youngsters may start drinking, smoking, using substances. Stephen thats right, optimism could lead teenagers to drink, smoke or use drugs. Whereas pessimism could cause them to also do that. laughter and its not just teens researchers reported that subjects who were identified as most optimistic as children were the ones who died the soonest. Okay. That finding really makes me depressed. laughter though probably not as depressed tas scientist whose job it was to count the number of happy children who died. laughter manage ihang in there, buddy. The study was conducted at university of erlangennurnberg using data from a nationally representative survey in germany. Yes, germany. Land of nietzsche, goethe and sauerkraut, the condiment that tastes the most like human tears. laughter lucky for me, i happen to know one of the germans who participated in this study. Please well come friend of the show and germanys ambassador to the u. N. , the honorable hans beinholz. cheers and applause please, sit down. cheers and applause thank you so much for coming back. Thank you so much for being here ambassador. Hans glad to be here. I had feared our next meeting would be at my funeral. laughter stephen come on, hans, youve got plenty of great years ahead of you. Hans time is a cruel invention to create the illusion of growth. In truth, the moment we are born is the moment we begin to die. Stephen dont focus on the negatives. Lifes too short. Hans not short enough. Life is a noose with kilometers of slack, teasing us with the false promise of release. And yet here i remain, doomed to greet another sunrise, alone even in company, the old man on the town bench whose only true friends are the ducks he feeds, though soon, they, too, will be dead. Stephen but you will be alive, hans. According to the research, your bleak world view is going to keep you going for a long, long time. Hans really . Stephen yeah. Hans thats wonderful news i am going to live yippee aagghh, mein heart. Stephen hans, are you okay . You look awful hans you really think i look awful . Dont say that just to make me feel better. Stephen no, seriously, you look like youre at deaths door. Hans thank you, stephen. I am saved. It is my fate to once more ride this cold rock around the sun, only to wind up exactly where i started alone. Stephen thats the spirit, buddy. The honorable hans beinholz, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause first of all, theyre light and fluffy, topped with pumpkin whipped cream and Cinnamon Sugar and only 4. 99. Second of all, theyre light and fluffy, topped with pumpkin whipped cream and Cinnamon Sugar and only 4. 99. [bell rings] waitress welcome to dennys break the ice, waitress welcome to dennys with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. To help entertain some friends at the beach. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time. And 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. All with no hoops to jump through. Rafael was inspired to use his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to spend a night watching the stars, under the stars. Thats the beauty of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. dootrick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm im almost done. [ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill. Manage your appointments. [ dog barks ]. And check your connection status. Anytime, anywhere. [ dog growls ] oh. So youre protesting . Okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. Stephen well come back, everybody my guest tonight plays a transgender woman in the new show transparent on amazon. Its putting momandpop transgender shows out of business. Please well come Jeffrey Tambor cheers and applause mr. Tambor, thanks so much for coming out. Nice to see you thank you very much cheers and applause thank you so much. Please. Please. Thank you. Jeffrey, thank you so much. We only met the first time tonight. Can i call you jeffrey . Yes. Stephen thank you very much. You may call me steve. Im a huge fan of your work, the Larry Sanders show, arrest of development. Currently starring in the new amazon series tranc transparent. I play the patriarc i play the family. Stephen previously called mort. Now called mora. Are you saying youre going to start dressing like a lady, always . My whole life, i have been dressing up. Like a man. cheers and applause do not hurt my feelings. laughter stephen i need your help. Im going to put my cards on the table. Do it. Stephen okay. I need your help. Im not an actor. Youre an actor, and you laughter i dont understand i dont understand certain things. Im going to take you through this. laughter stephen be gentle. Be gentle. Be gentle with me. Stephen transgender to me is fascinating like quantum physics is. Okay. Stephen and quantum physics, a particle can both be there and not. Right. Stephen and they can both be true. Right. By the way, im lost. Stephen thats the way i am when it comes to understanding the transgender community. How can someone be both identify final as identifiable as a man but identify as a come in their life. How can that be true . Mora, since she was 5, has felt she was in the wrong body and at 70 years of age or 70 years of old, has made a break for freedom and her authenticity and she becomes for a first time herself and the leader of the family and a true parent. Stephen does anyone in the family know before this . No. I have to come out to each one of them, which is also very common, and its the greatest transformative role ive ever had in my life. Stephen and you are cheers and applause i have been informed to ask people how they felt identified. How do you feel . Jeffrey tambor, i am for the pursuit of freedom, authenticity and happiness. Stephen and your gender . applause how do you my daughter is seven years old and i said, honey, this is a little different. This is the woman whos in transition, and she says, daddy, i get it. Seven years old, she says, daddy, shes more comfortable being a woman. applause stephen im going to get there. Up to get there. Stephen im first to admit im a hetero bleep . Can i ask a serious question . Is there going to be a hell boy 3 . Oh, my god theres actually talk of a hell boy 3, but they better hurry, or im going to be in walker. Stephen Jeffrey Tambor such a joy to have you here . And such a joy to be here. Stephen ive not held a guests hand this long, and theyre beautiful and soft. Thank you. Stephen youve taken me on a journey. Thank you. Stephen the show is fantastic and i want to congratulate myself for saying so laughter Jeffrey Tambor, transparent now on amazon well be back cheers and applause will new twizzlers mixed berry bites ever end their rivalry with new jolly rancher filled gummy bites . Not today. Bites. Little greatness. Anncr the great thing many breakfast options. You did a great job. It looks good anncr . Is theyre right next to our many other breakfast options. Just another good reason to book now. Feel the hamptonality ghave a nice flight r bag right here. Traveling can feel like one big mystery. Youre never quite sure what is coming your way. But when youve got an entire company who knows that the most ontime flights are nothing if we cant get your things there too. Its no wonder more People Choose delta than any other airline. We lovchocolaty, creamy. With a Little Something extra. Mmm deliciousness. Cookies or almonds. Yumminess. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. Girl wow pumpkin whipped cream and Cinnamon Sugar . Looks good mom i love pumpkin season. Girl pumpkin season . When does that start . Right about now. [bell rings] waitress welcome to dennys cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report, everybody good night cheers captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. 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