Joining us. cheers and applause audience chanting stephen thank you so much for joining us, everybody nation, i dont mean to be a broken mp3 file, but i gotta say it again, barack obama doesnt have the right stuff to be president. And im beginning to think he agrees because hes started doing something worse than destroying america. Hes slacking off at destroying america. This week president obama refusing to go to the u. S. Mexican border. Guess where the president is planning to go . On vacation. News today that obama will head back to ritzy Marthas Vineyard next month. President obama spent three days avoiding a visit to the border while playing pool, sipping beers and raising lots of money. Make up, america. We elected a president whod rather play pool and drink beer in colorado than address the american crisis developing at our border. Stephen yes, while america burns, president nero is fiddling on vacation in Marthas Vineyard, shooting pool in colorado, and down at disney world, hes just hanging around giving the same speech all day long. Must be nice. And you wont believe what he did on his latest trip to europe. Peter johnson, jr. , break it down for us. The Salon Society of the 17th and 18th century of the enlightenment has come to president obama and to the white house. We know as soon as he stepped off the plane in rome, according to the new york times, he asked the ambassador, lets have a dinner party. We can discuss art, architecture, the enlightenment. Hes brainstorming. Wonderful. Stephen yes, wonderful ooh the enlightenment the 17th and 18th century intellectual revolution that believed that knowledge is worth acquiring and that the Scientific Method is superior to superstition and leach craft. Oh, garcon bring us pasteurized milk and vaccines so we can all live past the age of 30 ladeedaa cheers and applause nation, its clear whats going on here. The president has senioritis. Hes in the last two semesters of his presidency, and hes totally checked out. Tossing back beers, late night bull sessions with friends, traveling across europe, and its a huge mistake, sir. It may seem like fun to take some time off and find yourself abroad, but, trust me, it never works out the way you hope it will. Youre traveling around with your buddy lets call him ted and you know, you get stuck for 12 hours on the border between france and italy because of a rail strike, and you dont have any money for food, all youve got are two bottles of wine, but no wine opener, but you meet two cute girls from the Rhode Island School of design in the next car who do have a corkscrew and you spend all night drinking with no food, so all four of you are feeling pretty good and decide to travel to pisa together, where you all share one big room and things are looking positive, if you know what i mean, except sarah wont go for a walk with ted so you can be alone with bridget. Even though its pretty clear to everyone that bridget is open to it. At minimum, were talking tongue, big time. I mean, even bridget is trying to get sarah to take a walk just around the block but, no, sarah is rooted to the ground like a god damn oak. laughter applause and the moment passes, and it will haunt you for the rest of your life. Is something that might happen. So, mr. President , just turn in the eurrail pass, come home, buckle down and hit the books before graduation because you only got two years left and youre looking at an f in econ. Folks, i dont fighten easy and i dont know why, and that scares me. Thats the threatdown sirens all bear edition. cheers and applause folks, longtime viewers with shortterm memory will know that i am no fan of bears brown, black, gummy, even charmin. Im sorry, but im not going to trust some murderous grizzly with the cleaning of my bathing suit areas. I will drag my butt along the grass like god intended. But recently, these bernstein brutes infiltrated our most sacred institution. One wild animal thinks he deserves the comfort of the home. Check out the bear in my neighbors yard on his hammock. Daytona beach home owner Vincent James snapped these photos to prove that, yes, a bear was napping in his hammock. James says the bear had been rummaging through the trashcans, then climbed into the hammock like he was a tourist or something. Stephen yes, a tourist or something its all in the bears guide book lets go eat children. Frankly, i cant imagine anything worse than a beer in a hammock, except a bear in a banana hammock. And that brings me to threat number three leisuretime bears folks, dont be fooled that bear is not using a hammock to relax. How stressful can being a bear be . I need that salmon on my desk in 15 minutes, or youre fired from the forest no theyre not laying in wait, folks. Heres their plan its the end of the workday, you want to relax so you grab a mikes hard lemonade, crank the buffett and jump in your hammock. Suddenly, instead of cheeseburger in paradise, its manberger in bearadise trademark return my calls, weird al. Nation, bears will stop at nothing until theyve turned our summer fun into their hunting grounds. So take precautions. Make sure theres no bear at the end of your slip and slide, or in the back of your tandem bike, or that the shark at the beach isnt just a beer in a shark suit. Okay . That happened. That happened. That is based on a true story. And folks, hammocks arent the only american leisure activities bears have their eyes on because over a sixyear period at croatias kuterevo bear refuge, researchers reported multiple acts of fellatio between two male bears. Thats right. These country bears are having a jamboree. But thats no jug theyre blowing on. And that brings me to threat number two. Gay bears i have long feared what would happen if the two greatest threats to america ever teamed up. If this goes any further, we could end up with a whole community of gay men patterning themselves after these animals. And make no mistake this is a lifestyle choice researchers saw smokey the polesmoker over here engage in 28 acts of fellatio over 116 hours, averaging one act for every four hours. Truly terrifying. I had no idea bears had that many birthdays. cheers and applause finally, i bring you the most terrifying bear in the history of this program. Meet pyros, a brown bear living in the pyrenees mountains. You can always tell a european bear because they dont shave their arm pits. Pyros is not only a vicious man eater, hes a voracious ladykiller because pyros is father, grandfather or great grandfather of nearly all of the cubs born in the region over the past two decades. Cant blame the ladies. Just look at him. That thick coat. That broad muzzle. That high zygomatic arch. I mean, tranquilizer gun to my head . Sure. Plus, pyros sexual prowess now means there are only four other males, with just one not related to him. Causing a huge risk of inbreeding. Which brings me to the number one threat facing america pyros the beer. For changing my heart about bears. Because i was moved when i learned that pyros is facing castration for his promiscuity. Castration . Is that necessary . Did they even try abstinenceonly education . You see, folks, ive always believed bears were godless killing machines. But pyros story of lost love and perhaps gonads gives me pause. For the first time, i see that bears and i have something in common. Huge balls. cheers and applause this bear gets me right here. This is where my balls start. I see myself in pyros. I also see papa bear bill oriley. All three of us are alpha males who, according to papa bears book the oriley factor, have dated hundreds of women, and Big Government wants to bring us down with a sharp pair of sackclippers. Oh, mine would be quite the feather in obamas cap and, yes, mine have feathers. So i just want to say, run, pyros run for all of us dont let them have your magnificent mansack you hear me . You get out of here wait. Whats he doing . Oh, i dont know if nows really the time. Oh, well. Hes happy. Saver them while you can, my friend. Well be right back. [ male announcer ] if you cant stand the heat, get off the test track. Get the mercedesbenz youve been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedesbenz dealer. But hurry, offers end july 31st. Share your summer moments in your mercedesbenz with us. In all its naked glory; thats too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. To tof 5hour energy a little. Strong,e dont miss the 5hour energy onehundred thousand dollar yummification contest. Mix 5hour energy with your favorite beverage. Name it. Shoot it. Send us the video. You could win a share of onehundred thousand dollars. For complete rules and requirements go to five hour yummification dot. Com the 5hour energy yummification contest. Its delicious hey i like your ride. I just wanted to let you know. You can save a ton by switching to progressive, just like squirrel here. We offer great discounts, like responsible rider, paid in full, and homeowners. Making us number one in motorcycle insurance. Isnt this romantic. It was. Going the distance to save you more. Now, thats progressive. Stephen welcome back. Please welcome vint cerf cheers and applause thank you, vint well, listen laughter thank you so much for being here. Im delighted. Stephen im a huge fan of your work. You were credited with being one of the cofathers of the internet. What does cofather mean and how much did the internets mother get around . laughter back in the day . What does it mean to be the cofather of the internet . Bob conn and i, the other father of the internet, sat down in 1973 and began designing what is now the internet. The original project was done to help the Defense Project use computers in command and control. A computer can help you manage resources better which might mean the smaller force could overcome a larger one if the smaller one could manage its resources better than the opponent. Stephen did you build the switch where the computer turns on and kills all of humanity . laughter thats the way the movie goes. Ive seen the movie. That wasnt the plan. Stephen what do you make as one of the fathers of the internet of our fear the computers will take over and make us obsolete . Do you think there is anything to that idea . Not in that form. What i do think, though, is we should be worried about computers that make mistakes because they can make mistakes faster than we can and so there is a big issue about keeping the computing environment safe which means we need to be careful about writing software that doesnt have bugs. Stephen if youre one of the fathers of the internet, why did you make so it dangers for us to play on, vint . Well, because at the time, we didnt know its going to be as popular or as big as it would be. We thought it would be an experiment and designed and use Ford Military and maybe academic purposes but it got loose and the experiment got loose and became part of the public. Stephen again, nats part of the horror movie im writing. Your experiment got loose. When i go on, are all of us, are we still part of your experiment . Absolutely. Stephen really . How is the experiment going . Its actually going rather well, to be quite honest with you felt about 3 billion people are online right now and every time they come up with new ways of using the internet, we all learn something from that. Whats interesting about this whole story is the internet has always been very open to people trying out new ideas and we need to keep it that way. Stephen you have been at google since 2005. Right. Stephen youre their internet evangelist. Why does google need an internet evangelist . Arent you preaching to the choir . No. Actually, it turns out that with only 3 billion people online, theres another 4 billion to go. Im the chief internet evangelist. Stephen who are these 4 billion people who dont want to tweet . Its not that they dont want to tweet, its that they dont even have access to the internet yet. Stephen where . All over the world, but largely in the developing world. Stephen have you tried carpet bombing them with free aol cds . Because that worked in the 90s for a long time. laughter that has occurred to me. The problem is you have to have something to read the cd with and if you dont have a computer, you know they have mobile phones, though, and i think this is important. The mobile phone has become the avenue for people to get access to the internet for the first time. Its quite an amazing marriage. The internet was first designed in 73. The handheld mobile was designed in 73 by marty cooper for motorola and we didnt know about each other at all till 1983 until we turned the internet on, marty cooper turned on the first handheld phone, so the two technologies stephen you started working on the internet in 1973 and you turned it on in 1983 . It took ten years to actually turn the system on. Stephen what was happening in those ten years . If you, bob obviously, al gore was there laughter al showed up about 1986. Stephen thats still pretty early. Its still early on. We turned it on. He helped get it to spread because he helped the National Science Foundation Fund the big backbone, part of the internet that linked about 3,000 universities together plus the supercomputers. Stephen so he did help build the internet . He did help. Stephen you just took away one of my favorite jokes. Can you stick around for a second . We have to do a commercial but i want to talk more. Well be back with father of the well be back with father of the internet vint cerf. [ male announcer ] dont just visit miami. [ jackhammer pounding, horns honking ] [ siren wailing ] visit tripadvisor miami. [ bird chirping ] with millions of reviews, tripadvisor makes any destination better. With millions of reviews, ya godzilla seriously uh there he goes woo ya awww what . Godzilla is actually pretty cool. Except when hes hungry quick, throw him a snickers® woo, yeah youre not you when youre hungry ®, snickers® satisfies this summer stay satisfied with snickers® ice cream. Available now. Son dad, this is a remix. Its the new Red White Blue slam. Same thing. Hmmmm. This has blueberries, strawberries and cream cheese icing. You dont know what youre talking about. Yup, he loved to say that, too. [bell rings] waitress welcome to dennys he cadillac summer collection is here. During the cadillac summers best event, lease this all new 2014 cts for around 459 a month or purchase with 0 apr and make this the summer of style. And i used to smoke. I quit. But not until i got a serious gum disease. My tip to you is your smile says a lot about you. What does this say . announcer you can quit. For free help, call 1800quitnow stephen welcome back, everybody. Father of the internet vint cerf. Is the author of the matrix reloaded, is he with us . cheers and applause what makes you think youre not in the matrix . applause stephen i knowcraty. Know e laughter did you have any idea of the impact this could have . By the time you turned it on in 1983 and said, okay, its working, did you have a sense of the impact you would have because 3 billion people use it, its only going to expand. I understand youre working on now at jet propulsion laboratories establish an interplanetary protocol . Jesus has influence add few people. Mohamed made his impact on the planet, buddhas done a thing or two but i only know those three because i looked it up on wikipedia laughter so are you and bob conn, the other guy, are you technological prophets . I think it would be closer to say were scientists, were experimenters and were trying to device something that would work and now were engineers at trying to expand this thing, make it work better for everybody. And of course we have a problem. When he first did the design, we didnt know how many things would be on the internet. Stephen how many things are on the internet . I dont know, but i know weve run out of addresses for them. The problem is we thought 4. 3 billion would be enough stephen is that how many i. P. Addresses there . 4. 3 billion. Its a 32byte number and thats what we started with. We ran out of the numbers in 2011 so we have another version with 128 bytes of address in them. Doyle ththem. Ill do the math. Stephen go ahead laughter doing math out loud stephen so is that enough of number bytes . Well, i hope so because thats all weve got right now is the ten to the 38t 38th addresses. Stephen as the father of the internet would you like to apologize for the Comment Section on yahoo news . Verbal war crimes laughter vint cerf, thank you for giving us something to surf. Thank you. applause thank you so much vint cerf, internet evangelist, father of the internet will new twizzlers mixed berry bites ever end their rivalry with new jolly rancher filled gummy bites . Not today. Bites. Little greatness. [ male announcer ] if you cant stand the heat, get off the test track. 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This my account thing. We can tweet directly toa comcast expert for help. Or we can select a time for them to call us back. The future, right . This doesnt do it for you . [ doorbell rings, dog barks ] oh, thats what blows your mind the advanced technology of a doorbell. [ male announcer ] tweet an expert and schedule a callback from any device. Introducing the xfinity my account app. Stephen welcome to the report, everybody cheers and applause jeff pierce, you made us all drive out to a warehouse. At least tell us why. I know as much as you. I got a letter from the executor of my fathers estate. Said come with seven friends. You brought six. Who else was he gonna bring . Levar burton. Mr. Hawthorne. All oh i apologize. Gilbert. Even from the grave, my fathers got you by the short and curly, salt and pepperies