Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140224 : comparemel

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140224

cheers and applause stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen thank you for joining us, everybody. Folks, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause . Its good to have you here. I justice want to say and i dont say this every night but this is a special night here, especially in the world of late night. Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin, i want to begin by welcoming my friend jimmy fallo but jimedy, youre going to do great. Everyone should check out jimmys show ons from. laughter applause last night was an historic occasion because i walked on and poured coins all over jimmy. Of course dumping change on each other is a latenighthost tradition going back to when steve allen bludgeoned jack paar with a role of quarters. Jimmy was so happy i was there as you can see in this, the actual selfie i took last night. cheers and applause . Theres jimmy, theres jimmy. There he is. Thanking god that im there. Congratulations, jimmy, welcome to 11 30. Im sure its a relief to escape the Baron Television superfund site of the 12 30 death slot. That reminds me congratulations, seth. Looking forward to february 24. Youre going to be great. cheers and applause . Nation, is it me or has america gone crazy . Everybody is covered in tattoos, has Health Insurance its madness. But, folks, nothing has me more confuses than the transgenders. Theyre everywhere from rupaul, to glee to the transformers movies. Hey, hey, optimists. You were born a robot. It doesnt matter if inside you feel like youre a truck. applause besides, being transjerpd is just not fair, i put in 49 works into being a dude, and then some joanniecomelately says shes a johnny and suddenly i have have to pay her the same as a man. Where are we as a nation . And the whole thing makes my brain broke. Last week, facebook added more than 50 custom gender options, including transgender, transgender female, transgender male, transfemale, transmale, transwoman, transperson, transasterisk female. Transasterisk male. Transasterisk person i believe thats when youre born an asterisk but deep inside you believe youre an ampersand. laughter applause plus. cheers no, i have a cousin. Transsexual. Transsexual female. Transsexual male. Transsexual man, transsexual person, androgynous, gender questioning, gender nonconforming, and gender fluid although i certainly hope all those categories including some sort of gender fluids. Now, im going to skip here im going to skip a few of these, but the list rounds out with pangender, neither, and other. applause cheers other. Other. What did i not include in that list . Pirate. Merperson. Minaj . And folks, get this, get this, now transgenders are trying to infiltrate the last bastion of maleness, the victoria secrets fashion show. Carmen carrera say rising star in the fashion world. She has more than 200,000 followers on facebook and fans signed a petition trying to have heralded to the victorias secret fashion show. What sets her apart from the other fashion models is shes transgendered. Stephen what . She cant be a runway model. Not because shes transgender. Because she 28. Move it along, grandma. Move it along cheers and applause get some of them granny panties. Pull them up to here. cheers and applause . And it is a mind field for television hosts. I mean look at poor katie couric. I know shes a woman because i saw her colonoscopy. Very no, no, no, you can tell very dainty did youd onem. She invited Carmen Carrera on her show but caught serious heat for asking a serious question . Your private parts are different now, arent they . I dont want to talk about it. Its really personal. They always kind of just make it about, another lets see your before. Lets see your after. And now what, do your genitals look like . Stephen okay, let me get this straight. Now we cant talk about genitals . I wouldnt have a show ficouldnt mention my balls. cheers and applause . They are my cohosts kathie lee and hoda. cheers and applause laughter what happened to poor katie couric pales in comparison to the hit job the gender dysmorphia mafia did to cnns piers morgan. He dwoaded an entire segment to jan mock, and piers even went the extra mile to clearly identify who janet used to be, which caused her to twitter slam piers writing i was not formerly a man. Please stop sensationalizing my life. And piersmorganlive get it the bleep together. Its the same message he gets every night from cnn president jeff zucker. The internet unloded both battles on piers, who put mock back on to policy for what he had said. I have spent literally 12 hours being viciously abused by the transgender community. I want you to explain why i had to go through this. Stephen yes, you transgender people dont understand what its like to be ridiculed and abused. laughter i mean, they said mean things about him on twitter, and whats piers morgan supposed to do not spend 12 hours reading about himself . laughter applause the point is cheers and applause no, im mad. I am mad. The point is that transgendered community are never satisfied. Apparently, its not enough to treat them like women. Now we have to treat them like human beings. laughter nation, this is a problem without answers. And when i come back, im going to get those answers from transgender author janet mock. Transgender author janet mock. Well be right b now you can create your own perfect plate of pasta at olive garden, with our new cucina mia menu, for just 9. 99. Choose the Homemade Sauce that tempts you the most. Like our addictively creamy garlic asiago, devilishly spicy diavolo or gardenfresh primavera with roasted vegetables. All made from scratch and made to order. Served with your choice of our new artisinal pastas including gluten free. New cucina mia is all about flavor, all about you, and all just 9. 99. At olive garden, were all family here. Unwrap your paradise. Soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. Almond joy and mounds. Unwrap paradise. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. You know, folks, if you are just joining the report already in progress, before the commercial break, we were discussing, shall we say, the bathing suit region. I dont want to get too graphic here because you see, as a broadcaster when it comes to transgender issue i dont know what i should say to these people. Here to say what i should say to these people, please welcome transgender activist, piers morgan abuser, and author of redefining realness, janet mock. Good to see you. cheers and applause . Now then, heres the book, redefining realness, go get it. Now, young lady, young lady cheers okay, now i dont i dont want to misstep here. So what ive done weve had you record on this biton right here, what you said to piers morgan. Give it a slitle shot there. Get it the bleep together. Stephen okay, if at some point, you think ive said the wrong thing, just hit the button, okay . I will. Stephen those are the ground rules. Okay cheers and applause Stephen Janet can i call you janet . Please, do call me janet. Stephen young lady, why are you so mad at my buddy piers. Why did you unload on him . I think me and piers had an issue speaking across privilege, across difference, and across experience. I think that they use very problematic language that showed their lack of understanding. I think our wider culture stephen they . Hes a he. He selfidentifies as a single man. Dont you identify him as something other than a single man. Thats his choice. All right. Get it the bleep together. laughter applause . Stephen how dare you . How dare you . Okay, you said that he was trying to sensationalize your life. Yes. Stephen did you did you not want to sell a lot of books . Because thats what moves papers, sensationalizing. Well, yes, but the books purpose is to elevate the issue facing young trans, talk about issues facing transwomen of color and the Trans Community at large. They deal with daily access issues, like being able to safely leave their home. Being able to walk on the street without being harassed. Be able to get Affordable Medical care which i know you really believe in. Stephen sure, move to canada, baby. laughter is it Getting Better for people in the Trans Community . I think it is. I think that me sitting here with you as your first openly trans guest, im assuming cheers and applause is an amazing moment. And i also think that and you also are just asking how copeople want to identify. Those 50 facebook gender markers stephen that doesnt seem lake a lot to you . Actually, it seems like a little. Stephen really when i was a kid nonbienar, bigender stephen that was in there, too. I only have a half hour show. Help me out here im just a guy, selfidentify as a guy. Is there a name for that as a guy who identifies as a guy . Yes you identify as a guy. And i think asking people stephen do i have a name . Do you identify as a man . Stephen i do, baby. I think the first step is asking people how they identify . We respect their freedom to selfidentify. Stephen doesnt that make every conversation with a person you meet end up being with that other person . Well stephen i want the conversation to be about me . It is because it freeze you from making mistakes and assumption. Stephen should i lead with that, stephen colbert, selfidentifies as a man. Yes, and i use he and him pronouns. Stephen what if not he or him. Of. They, them. I usually use it they. Stephen for a Single Person . Yes. Stephen that sounds way too much like what shall i call you . And it says we are legion because we are many. That sets off alarmbles in my head. For some people thats how they want to identify and it freeze us from making assumptions. Stephen help me out. I selfidentify as just an average joe sicked pack. Okay. Stephen when i grew up, when i grew up, you had an iny or an outy. It was like a bellybutton, okay . Okay, okay. Stephen im at sea here. Im completely at sea in the new world. I might be too old to learn this new stuff. I dont think so. Stephen really . I think this is a conversation about gender, and i think our genders are as unique as we are. My father had a very black and white idea of gender, men do this, girls do this. Women do this, boys do that. For me i was forced to follow all of his rooms. I was a baby who was assigned male at birth and told i needed to act like a boy. Stephen if i have a baby and see certain genitals i dont want to get into any of the rough stuff i might say thats a boy. Am i to go the wrong thing by doing that . Should i just call a baby it. Until its old enough. Or they or my child or my kid. Stephen would you like this to to be not a big deal eventually . I would. Stephen so you want to be like the rest of us which is boring. What is the most boring aspect of being transgender . What is the most boring aspect of being transgender . Stephen yes. Because life is boring. Mostly its this. This is night, but theres that, which is that. This is good. Boring is good, right . I think the most boring thing is talking to someone about telling them how i identify. Thats the most boring thing. Stephen are you bored right now . Because thats what this entire conversation has been about. Get it the bleep together. Stephen janet, thank you Stephen Janet, thank you so much for joining in 15 seconds, ibm watson can crossreference the symptoms of a million cancer patients. To help doctors design better treatments. Watson is helping doctors fight cancer. Lets build a smarter planet. 200 million pages of clinical data. Nalyze to help researchers discover new effective treatments. Watson is helping researchers make breakthroughs. Lets build a smarter planet. Unwrap your paradise. Soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. Almond joy and mounds. Unwrap paradise. What is focus . Its a wondrous sensation of clarity and alertness. Its owning your opponent. Its knowing beyond a doubt you got this. Its keeping your head down, your eye on the ball, and knocking it out of the park. Its getting in the zone. Its keeping on your toes. On target. On top. Focus is staring the world in the face and saying bring it. Focus is power. Focus is life. And 5hour energy is focus. Its an invitation to stop and savor the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. Transferred money from his before larry instantly bank of america savings account to his merrill edge retirement account. Before he opened his first hot chocolate stand calling winter an underserved season. And before he quit his friends leafraking business for not offering a 401k. Larry knew the importance of preparing for retirement. Thats why when the time came he counted on merrill edge to streamline his investing and help him plan for the road ahead. Thats the power of streamlined connections. Thats merrill edge and bank of america. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight ive only read g equal mc. Dont tell me how it ends. Please welcome brian green hey, prien, good to see you. Thanks for coming back. My pleasure. Stephen good to see you again. For the people out there who may not be, you are a theoretical physicist at columbia university, the cofounder of the world science festival. Your new project is world science you. Which aims to become the spirnts pest source of courses focused exclusively on science. Why do you want to teach science on the internet . You didnt have the internet when you learned science . Doesnt that kind of doesnt that kind of cheapen science to make it free on the internet . Thats exactly what motivated us to do this because now we can teach science so much better than we could back then. I struggled as a kid trying to learn einsteins ideals of relativity. Stephen hey, dummy, hey, dummy. Exactly right. Heres the thing if you can show the visualization of the slowing of time or compression of space, kids get it so much more easily than if you just had a blackboard way piece of chalk. Stephen okay, so you have two lectures start starting off, it launches next week. Worldscienceyou. Com. And the first two lectures are on the general and specific both on special relativity. One version is without math, just conceptuals. And one has the equations for the people who want to dig in deep and really understand what its all about. Stephen okay, give me the special relativity. Give me that. Is that a better relativity than general . Is it like the admiral you know. General is like coach relativity . Now, heres the difference, heres the difference. General, einstein took gravity into account and special relativity, he didnt. But in special relativity, he figured out space and time are not what we think they are, right . We all have this in our mind that time just ticks forward second after second after second, like that right there. But that fools us into thinking time was the same for everyone. If you were to get up from the table, run around the room and come back, your watch would tick off less time than it would have if you were just sitting still. Stephen why . You have to take the course, but heres the thing cheers and applause . Stephen so the faster i go, the faster i go, the less i age. If you go 99. 9999999999 of the speed of light, you go out into space for six months stay with me turn around and come back, you will have aged only one year but earth will have aged 2,023,607. You will have gone a quarter of a million years into the future. When you tell that to a kid, science becoming . They are no longer intimidated by, something that is no longer boark. They want ton about it. Stephen let me get this straight, the closer you get to the speed of light, the less time passes for you, and theres a relative relative to the rest of your rest of the world. The universe, exactly right. Stephen its going faster for them. If i have a flashlight and fire the flashlight at you the first photon is coming at you at the speed of light, right . It is, so is the second one. Stephen the first one there might be a traffic jam on or Something Like that. Chris christie might pick you want phone. But that photon is going at the speed of light, so time is not passing for the photon then you could say that. Stephen by the time the photon gets to you, am i dead . I hope not. But heres the thing. If you consider an object going near the speed of light, at the speed of light poetically, times stop, but no material object can ever go at the speed of light, so we will never experience that. Photon has no mass. Stephen how does it then how does that thing in the glass, that little thing that twirlz around, the light light ulb that has the black and white, flag that twirlz around inside. You have ever seen it . Theres a light bulb with a needle inside and it has flags and you put it in the sunshine and it spins around because the weight of the oh, i know the thirng the radiometer. Like lite can push. Stephen it has mass. It is energy. Stephen energy equals mass times the speed of light squared by bleep . cheers and applause it has no mass if it were at rest. Thats the key thing. Stephen but its not at rest. Thats why it can energy. Stephen can it have infinitely mass because its going infinitely fast. It has a finite amount of energy pup know that because you can push on it and feel it. The suns heat gives energy to the earth and allows the plant to grow. Stephen i know the sun is hot. Okay, so it starts next week. Yes. Stephen okay, and how do people get to it worldscienceu. Com. People should go and sign up and it will be a fun ride. Stephen does this cost anything . No, its free. Stephen then how does the university make its money, off of the Football Team . Thats ad if question. I dont know. I dont think about those things. I just want to get good material out to the world. Stephen youre a theoretical physicist and a theoretical business man. There you are there you are Stephen Brian green, rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Excuse me miss but im going to have to take a closer look. At those fancy jeans. makes bleeping noises woman uhh. Connie your jeans they fit so good woman i got them at old navy, nineteen bucks connie larry these jeans are only nineteen bucks at old navy crowd gasps larry those jeans are only 19 dollars . woman and kids jeans are twelve dollars connie woaaaw music starts larry connie wait save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. D Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know pinocchio was a bad motivational speaker . I look around this room and i see nothing but untapped potential. You have potential. You have. Oh boy. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. All the Natural Energy found in peanut

© 2025 Vimarsana