(laughter) so did president obama care. >> there's no shular coating it. the web site has been too slow, people have been getting stuck during the application process, we've had some of the best i.t. talent in the entire country join the team and we're well into a tech surge to fix the problem. >> stephen: yes, a tech surge! just like our afghan surge. (laughter) which means we'll almost have it fixed in 12 years. (laughter and applause) and, and, it will be a great place to buy heroine. but if you still can't sign up online, don't worry, the napoleon of community organizers has a plan to win this welfare waterloo. >> while the web site will ultimately be the easiest way to buy insurance through the marketplace, it isn't the only way. you can also apply in person with the help of local navigators. these are people specially trained to help you sign up for health care. >> stephen: yeah, health care navigators. not to be confused with netscape navigator, which is evidently what healthcare.gov is run on. (laughter) (applause) now, folks, the setup -- to setup these navigators the obama administration has reached out to established community organizations like food banks. joining me now as i visit one of these health care houses of horror in -- "stephen colbert's i tried to sign up for obamacare." (cackling) first, i headed to the monmouth county food bank where i met with the executive director, carlos rodriguez. >> welcome to the food bank. >> stephen: so we're in an industrial kitchen to sign up for obamacare. break that down for me. how does that work? >> this is one part of the food bank where we provide meals for over 10,000 children a year. >> stephen: just to be clear, you're not a health care provider of any kind. >> that's correct. >> stephen: even though people come to you for obamacare and soup. >> i am not a dr. . >> stephen: nor are you a chef? >> i am not a chef. >> stephen: okay. is obamacare limited to people who can access it? >> obamacare is only limited to those who want it and who are eligible. >> stephen: how do i sign up? >> you can sign up three different ways: online with the assistance of navigators. >> stephen: what if i don't have a computer? >> we have an application we can help you fill out. >> stephen: what if i don't have a pen? (laughter) >> we can provide one for you. >> stephen: my problem is that i don't have hands. >> we can help you fill out the application. >> stephen: i can't hear. what if i can't hear? >> we will figure out a way to make sure that the application process is completed. >> stephen: okay. all right. what kind of invasive questions will you be asking me to navigate me through the process in will you want to know the size of my prostate? >> i do not want to know the size of your prostate. (laughter) >> stephen: it's impressive. >> congratulations. >> stephen: don't you think best idea for obamacare at this point is just to defund it? because there wouldn't be any complaints about it if it didn't exist. >> what will we tell the folks who are in need of health care and this is really the only option before them? >> stephen: what did you tell them before? >> there was nothing available before now there's something available and we want to get them enrolled. >> stephen: i would go back to the "there's nothing available." i would be honest otherwise we'd be lying. you don't want to be a liar, do you, car sflos >> we don't do that here. >> stephen: have you signed up for obamacare? >> >> i have not. >> stephen: you have not? >> we provide our employees for health care. >> stephen: interesting, so it's good for the little people but not carlos rodriguez. >> if we ever needed obamacare and it wasn't provided by my employer i would enroll. >> stephen: i'm a deeply religious catholic and i don't believe in contraception. can you guarantee me the money that i gave obamacare will not go to provide contraception for sluts? (laughter) >> we do not have any control over what health care -- where the money for the health care goes. >> stephen: do you have any control over the sluts? >> i have no control over any individual. >> stephen: okay, well if obamacare is the law of the land let's get to it. okay, i'll just drop my trou here. >> stephen: we don't do exams here at the food bank. we just provide you with health care so you can have access to a doctor. >> stephen: let me get straight: you're telling me you don't want to cut my balls? >> i do not want to do that at all. >> stephen: the t.s.a. wants to cut my balls. you're not willinging to do that? >> i'm not willing to do that at all. >> stephen: they're practically begging to cut my balls. >> i am not concerned at all. >> stephen: all right. if i'm going do this, i'm going to do it right. what's the right plan for me? >> our navigators can walk you through the process. >> stephen: all right, carlos, let's see what they've got. when we return, the dramatic conclusion of "stephen colbert's i tried to sign up for obamacare." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) h:i(e]c (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, and now the dramatic more of the thing we were watching before the commercial break. jim? >> previously on stephen colbert's "i tried to sign up for obamacare." >> stephen: when people are denied their health care by obama and they have to face the death panel, do you take them in here and cut them up and feed them the poor? and now the shocking conclusion of "stephen colbert's i tried to sign up for obamacare." (cackling) >> stephen: community organizer carlos rodriguez introduce today in my navigator debbie debbie, thanks for talking to me today. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: how did you get into the navigator racket? >> i was hired by the food bank in january and now we're helping people go out and apply for obamacare. >> stephen: debbie, navigate me. what do we do? >> so first thing, this is where i'd ask for i.d. >> stephen: shouldn't we scrub up before you navigate he? >> absolutely not. >> stephen: i don't want anybody touch mig junk without -- you know -- >> i'm not examining you. this is just filling out an application. >> stephen: i don't have to drop trou? >> absolutely not. >> stephen: okay, where can i drop my trou around this place? >> we're navigating, helping you apply for obamacare. >> stephen: are you going to wear gloves? >> i don't need them. >> stephen: can i wear them >> if you prefer, sure. >> stephen: okay. (laughter) i'm good. your >> your first name again, please? >> why do you need to know? >> stephen: i'm trying to fill out your application. >> stephen: you know people are worried health care navigators are scam artists who are going to steal our identities. identity theft, are you familiar a that? >> i understand that but --. >> stephen: if i give you my name you're me and suddenly you're sleeping with my wife and driving my audi. >> what about my wife and aud economy? what's wrong with them? >> they're wonderful, i'm sure. i have a certificate that proves i'm a navigator. >> stephen: can i see your gun? >> i don't have a gun. i hope you're not armed. >> stephen: you asking me if i'm armed. i want to know if that's part of health care navigation. i know obamacare is coming from our guns. >> no, it's not. >> stephen: so it's okay if i'm armed. >> no! >> stephen: you're going ask me personal information as we go forward. >> correct. >> stephen: so i might feel uncomfortable at times. >> i understand that. >> stephen: why don't we establish a safe word. (laughter) pumpkin patch. if i say pumpkin patch that means it's getting heavy for me and i need to pull out. >> okay, can i have your name please? >> stephen: pumpkin patch. (laughter and applause) sorry, i panicked. first name is stephen. >>, is t-e-v-e-n-? >>. >> stephen: p.h.. i'm not an animal. >> and your middle initial? >> stephen: tyrone mos def. >> do you have a suffix? >> stephen: i do, it's d.f.a. heavyweight champion of the world featuring -- >> oh, there's more? >> stephen: featuring flo-rida. >> rider. >> stephen: rida. ♪ i got that bubble yum bum does obamacare cover bubble yum bums? >> i don't know what bubble yum bum is. sorry. and i need your birth date, please. >> stephen: are you getting me a present? >> um, no. >> stephen: how old would you say i am, debbie? >> um, i'm not very good at guessing ages. >> stephen: whatever, just guess guess. best -- guess. >> i don't like --. >> stephen: oh, it's all just fun! it's fun! >> i don't like guessing. >> stephen: i'll do you first. >> okay. >> stephen: 64. >> (laughs) no. that eke okay. >> stephen: go, a ahead, you're not going to hurt my feelings. >> >> okay, 30. >> stephen: very good. i was born in 1983. (laughter) >> now you're male, right? >> stephen: last time i checked. (laughs) >> the next thing they ask for is --. >> stephen: i'm sorry. are you going to check, by the way? >> no! in the past year, did you change jobs, stop working, start working fewer hours or none of these he? >> stephen: i won two emmys. >> nice. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks. just say two hem emmys, write that on the side. >> two emmys. >> stephen: not everybody wins two in one year. >> okay, i'll circle that. what i need you do is sign and date the bottom. >> stephen: you don't need to know my sexual history? >> absolutely not. >> stephen: you're not the least bit cures you? >> no. >> stephen: you want references? >> no thank you. >> stephen: phone numbers? >> no thank you. >> stephen: i had a threesome once. >> okay, thanks. >> stephen: i said no. >> okay, that's good. when you put in your application and get eligibility you'll get all of if plans that you're eligible for. >> stephen: do i get to keep my doctor. >> it's in the plan that you select, yes. >> stephen: do i have to stay with my doctor? because i don't -- >> no, you absolutely don't have to. >> stephen: i don't like my doctor. he stuck his finger up my butt. (laughter) yeah, way too much. i don't know what he was looking for. he didn't find it. >> okay. good. >> stephen: it was a surprise to me, you snofrnlts okay. >> stephen: i'm just -- minding my own businesses and he pushes the thong aside and in he goes. you know? >> okay. (laughter) they don't do that to ladies, right? that's for the guys. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's for the guys? >> yes. >> okay, would you like to try to put in your --. >> stephen: should i sign it? >> yes. >> stephen: there you go. >> no, no, no, please, no. we don't write on the computer. >> stephen: i'm sorry, my mistake, i apologize. get her a new computer, please. and this is it, i'm really signing up right now. we're really doing it. >> correct. >> stephen: okay, thanks debbie, thanks for helping letting us join obamacare. (laughter) authenticating, please wait. (ominous music) ("price is right trombone) web page cannot be found! obamacare is a train wreck! thank you, debbie! i don't have health insurance. whoo! i don't have health insurance! hall ha! i'm free! no health care for me or my family! whoo! (cheers and applause) debbie! debbie, carlos! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guests tonight are the first female anchor team in national television news. i'd love to meet the man who hired them. please welcome judy woodruff and gwen ifill! (cheers and applause) hey, judy, good to see you again! gep, always great to have you guys back. obviously everybody knows who you guys are. you're the first female team anchoring the news. what did you do with jim lehrer's body? (laughter) why -- what did he do to deserve to be shunted aside by you two pushy broads. >> we can tell you, stephen, then we'd have to kill you. >> stephen: the pbs newshour is an hour. do we need an hour of news every night? (laughter) the guys over on the networks are doing it-- and the girls, and diane sawyer-- they're doing in the a half hour every night plus commercials and, boom, we're watching "jeopardy." (laughter) >> but you get so much more on the pbs newshour. >> stephen: what do you get? >> well, you get coverage of the day's most important stories, whether it's health care reform, the health care law that you just spent some time talking about, the keystone pipeline, the -- what's happened with the drone strikes. >> stephen: you're talking about in-depth. >> in-depth. >> stephen: time for in-depth. what is the value of in-depth and, gwen, you answer in five words of less, please. >> there is not much value in -- that's five! >> stephen: sorry, there is not much value in in-depth. sorry, that's all we have time for, gwen. >> see, that's the thing. we never run out of time. >> stephen: but here's the problem with you two is that you're very level headed. i get information from you. when i watch the news i'm looking for emotion. which of you is going to be the conservative, which one is going to be the liberal and what are you going to be fighting over? >> if you want fighting and you want opinion there are lots of places to go. our view, stephen, is that our viewers are smart and curious so we're going to give them information and let them make up their own minds. >> i spent a lot of time on college campuses where students say to me "i only watch colbert" or "i only watch jon stewart" and then i tell them you guys watch us to find out what's real. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i do, i do watch you guys because i'm hoping you'll take my suggestion of having mark shields and david brooks fight in a pit. (laughter) that would be exciting. >> i can tell them. >> stephen: modern bear-baiting. you guys have both been in the news for a long time. how do you think it's changed? you seem to have an older model of news that is news as information not news as entertainment. >> i don't think it's old. i mean, you know, look, we believe that viewers are smart, they can make up their own minds. i think that's a new idea. i think frankly because most of what -- much of what you see on television today is about opinion. >> stephen: opinion is also a great penny-pincher because you don't to back opinion up with anything. (laughter) we do this show for $1.29 an episode. (laughter) this is cheaper per pound than green beans. i can just make up all the facts i want. you guys, do you fact check the things you'll be telling us? >> well, when we ask for money that's because we have to pay to get the news. it's a novel idea that we have to go get the news and bring it back and then let people decide. >> stephen: that brings me to another problem. you guys are in the pocket of big do nateors. (laughter) because you guys get your money from viewers -- >> viewers like you. >> stephen: viewers like you. exactly. but what if viewers like them have a scandal. will you be reporting on viewers like them knowing that they could pull the funding on your snow. >> if it's a scandal that we think affects -- most people in the country need to know about, sure >> when b.p. was dumping oil into the gulf, they were one of our underwriters and every night we would say "b.p. is many of our underwriters, now let me tell you how many barrels of oil went into the gulf today." it didn't stop us from covering the story but it allowed us to cover the story. >> stephen: do they still underwrite your snow >> no, actually. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: interesting. interesting. interesting. all right, now i'm thrilled that we have two female anchors finally giving us the news but, of course, like the highlander, there can be only one. how will you actually back stab each other and become the only anchor. >> you know, we don't want to do that. >> stephen: i know you don't want to but it's an ugly business. are you guys friends? >> yes. >> we are friends, we like each other. we respect each other. and look at it this way, stephen think how far the country has come just using half of its talent. think about how much farther we can go if we use all of the talent. if women are allowed to do what men have done. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right, but am i going to be able to get my man news when i check in with the ladies? because last night i reported on who would win in a fight between a lion and a tiger. i don't think a woman would report on that. i broke that story, judy. >> you're right, you're right. >> stephen: i fwlek story. >> here's the thing. when we got this job we thought it was a natural progression for us. and we were surprised and taken aback by how many women-- especially young women-- reacted emotionally about the idea that we are sitting in these chairs so i don't know you, judy, but i feel like i've taken it more seriously since i've been in the chair because i did before. >> stephen: you should take it more seriously. the pbs newshour has been so silly for so many years. thank you so much for joining me. gwen ifill, judy woodruff. always nice to have you on! judy woodruff, gw (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you this evening. my guest tonight column inconsistent charles krauthammer is joining us. but first 50 years ago in dallas an assassination that changed -- sorry i thought we were having a discussion earlier. [cheers and applause] earlier tonight we were having a spirit and interesting discussion. i thought i would make a weighty joke about it. we begin on wall street. it's been five years since the financial collapse that tanked the global economy. while no one has been sent to jail or community service or even had a one hour time out in their home or faced the reality of causing a catastrophe maybe it's about to change. >> jp morgan and the justice department have tentatively agreed to a d.l. 13 billion settlement. >> $13 billion settlement with the government to settle for bad loans. >> they say jp morgan willingly misled people by backing lisky mortgages. >> jon: risky mortgages. it seems like when tom cruise was in that movie and they packaged the loans with a sultry derive actives trader. i remember her. that's why so many traders work in a button down and underpants. $13 billion what lucky bastards are getting a

Related Keywords

United States , New York , Canada , Montreal , Quebec , Dallas , Texas , France , Afghanistan , America , Afghan , Canadian , French , Stephen Colbert , Judy Woodruff , Debbie , Carlos Rodriguez , Charles Krauthammer , Jon Stewart , Gwen Ifill , Jim Lehrer , Diane Sawyer , Obamacare Stephen ,