Try to express it. I said, no, no i dont think there is enough food in the world for to feel angry. This is what you do, next time you feel angry, just say the word, i am angry. Isaid, angry, just say the word, i am angry. I said, ok, angry, just say the word, i am angry. Isaid, ok, this is new. From that session, i was very pleased with what i was about to do, i said, im going to go out and actually try to feel my anger and express it, practising the sentence, i am angry, iam angry, practising the sentence, i am angry, i am angry, so the next time that would happen i could say it out loud. I met up with my best friend, optimistic loud. I met up with my best friend, y loud. I met up with my best friend, optimistic happy person, beautiful, a lwa ys optimistic happy person, beautiful, always smiling, she believes in things, like love. What an idiot, right . Laughter. She met me at the station and i hugged her and i said she met me at the station and i hugged herand i said im she met me at the station and i hugged her and i said im so happy to see you, and i said i would love to see you, and i said i would love to go for dinner, what do you feel like eating, i said, ifeel like having pasta, she said, greek food, and then i punched her in the face laughter i punched her in the face. I saw this happen in slow motion, and i was like, no we are a distressing feelings, my fist was saying, and my heart was like, dont do it. This is what we were afraid of. I saw my fist hit her stupid smiling face. She never once stopped smiling, she was like, 0k, we will have pasta. I didnt know you were so passionate about this. I felt so bad, didnt know you were so passionate about this. Ifelt so bad, i didnt know what to do, i didnt want to be the sort of person to get a friend, i felt so the sort of person to get a friend, ifelt so bad, she the sort of person to get a friend, i felt so bad, she was looking at me with her big blue eyes. I didnt know what to say, so i just said, i am angry and i stopped feeling feelings for the rest of my life will stop something of a fairy tale. I would love to introduce you to the first person on this stage, are you up first person on this stage, are you upfor first person on this stage, are you up for being very very nice . Give it up, Foryourfirst Up for being very very nice . Give it up, for your first performer of the night everyone has already taken all the good disabilities, i got left with dyspraxia, Developmental Cauda nation disorder, less sexy cousin of dyslexia, it is largely affects motor control and speech and memory, and information processing. Smack about what generally happens isi smack about what generally happens is i fall over a lot and clock everything up, this is a warning watch this space. I love living alone, because, people, you know, my Favourite Activity is sitting alone on the sofa, watching telly, i am all about that. I cant keep pets or house plants alive, i cant keep love and affection alive, far too much commitment, generally, i did a bit of online dating. It plays on your insecurities, terrible thing to do terrifying thing to do, waiting there, you have it in your profile and you are thinking, maybe taking ten years off me was a bit much. I used really flattering photos, i did pretend i wasnt actually mental, i was a bit worried about what they would think. Waiting there, waiting to see, thinking, he will be all right, because people are better than that, the Mainstream Media would have us believe that eve ryo ne media would have us believe that everyone is shallow and accessed with how you look, but real people, real people will see behind the mess that you often are and think, you area that you often are and think, you are a beautiful person, a real person. Feeling buoyed up about it. I see person. Feeling buoyed up about it. Isee him person. Feeling buoyed up about it. I see him coming out of the station, clock him, and i think to myself, oh, you minger laughter often i come over as loud and is wary, with dyspraxia, if i dont know people i am overpowering and overwhelming, people get nervous around me, this is what they say, obviously it is nonsense and i will fight anyone that says otherwise . A classic, dyspraxia symptom, i had not realised, i used to think i was a fascinating personality with all these quirks andi personality with all these quirks and i am so interesting, but it is nothing but a list of symptoms. I was very upset, nothing below it, entirely two dimensional, just a condition. This date is looking nervous even before the content of what ive said is apparent, presentation alone scaring the guy. We will go to the nearest pub, trades along. Stumbling over, tripping over, talking loudly, hitting lamp posts, we try to get into the pub, and the bouncer bars me, youre not coming in. He says, no youre obviously too drunk, you cant come in. I get this a lot. Not a lwa ys cant come in. I get this a lot. Not always when im drunk. So i dont argue with him, as we all are, argue with the bouncer, you never win, you are never going to lose that argument, talking to bouncers. He just seems i have been drinking all morning, because i am scottish, i have not been gracious in defeat, swearing, stomping off, generally, vindicating him, you know, that shouldnt be allowed in. But i was thinking i was looking quite good because im in my heels, but my high heels on especially, i cant walk in high heels, can barely stand in high heels, but i am in complete denial. Iimagine it heels, but i am in complete denial. I imagine it makes you look like a girly delicate flower, sanguine and sexy, not like the angry tractor that i usually look like. Inevitably, going along, ifall, i dont fall in the way i think i would fall in my head, like, ifell, oh. That is how i would like to fall but i come along. I stack it terrible mess, everyone is aware of it. My top tip for this, i fall over so it. My top tip for this, i fall over so many times, dont style it out, just stay on the ground. Otherwise. People are filming its. Hilarious. If you stay down, they begin to worry. Hang on might actually be seriously hurt. You got your pride, stay on the ground. So the date picks me up, i am quite called that he did not prevent it happening. But fortunately, this is taking place outside a pub, obvious course of action, i go into the pub, the landlady sees me coming in bleeding, comes over with rolls of toilet paper, stem the bleeding, says the furniture. Send somebody off for tcp, blood, tissues, poring over my leg, that adds to the on be unsolved is sexy date, the smell of tcp, who doesnt love that will stop at tcp, who doesnt love that will stop at tv tcp, who doesnt love that will stop at tv ambience. Now i am crying. Adds to the ambience. Small talk, station, which i can do, dont understand it, itend station, which i can do, dont understand it, i tend to write little cu es understand it, i tend to write little cues up my arm, and pass it off as little cues up my arm, and pass it offasa little cues up my arm, and pass it off as a tribal tatsuma ito sarcasm what do you do. Where do you live. Pause for response. As a tribal tattoo top time, could not ask for better than that. So then i get back home, try to forget all about it, what cartoons, sit on the sofa in my pa nts, cartoons, sit on the sofa in my pants, watching television, equilibrium restored, if you days later, i hearfrom the equilibrium restored, if you days later, i hear from the date, equilibrium restored, if you days later, i hearfrom the date, he wa nts to later, i hearfrom the date, he wants to see me again. Why would you put yourself through that . What sort of person would want to experience all that again . What Self Esteem Problems do you have . Absolutely ridiculous. I dont want to meet anybody who wants to go out with me again, whata anybody who wants to go out with me again, what a loser laughter that would be one of the many reasons i have been single for ten yea rs. Reasons i have been single for ten years. Thank you for laughing at my misfortune, i am very glad that you did. Laughter cheering my cheering my god, that was her First Time Ever on stage. Cheering i have slept with worse comedians than that. Amazing. We are about to have another storyteller on the stage, are you ready for that . Please give a warm round of applause when i first discussed with the bbc arts team what i would be talking about today, i said, can i talk about howl be talking about today, i said, can i talk about how i met my wonderful wife, sitting right there, about the romantic story of seeing her across a crowded dance floor, and howl immediately knew that she was the one for me. No, they said, that is really boring, what we want is something edgy, something that is going to push boundaries. Then i thought, i know, im going to talk about sex because that is edgy, isnt it. But i woke up one morning, oll isnt it. But i woke up one morning, on the morning of my german o level and found my legs hurt and my back hurt and every time i try to stand up hurt and every time i try to stand upi hurt and every time i try to stand up i fell. Ambulance called, rushed to hospital, it transpired that my spine had collapsed. Yes, it is true, you can break your back in your sleep. I thought i would tell all you bipeds that, just to make you worry. Laughter eventually, i came out of hospital, and as you can tell, i had lost the ability to walk, no more standing for me. There was also no more standing to attention down there. I had lost what the doctors call Erectile Function. I knew that would happen, complete silence i thought, thatis happen, complete silence i thought, that is it, game over, man, game over, i got down and depressed. I thought id become what is known as the worlds best male friend, all girlfriend would come round, i would do their hairand girlfriend would come round, i would do their hair and make up and dress them up and then i would send them out on dates, normally with blokes wearing leatherjackets, which is why i now wear leather all the while. Why i now wear leather all the while. On why i now wear leather all the while. On mopedss. Why i now wear leather all the while. On mopedss. If they were really terrible, they owned a ford capri, which trust me, when i was young, that was a giveaway sign that it would be bad, she would come back round the house and cry on my shoulder. He had sex with me and then he dumped me. Why cant boys be like you . I did not see this as a come on, i thought, well, like you . I did not see this as a come on, ithought, well, theyre never going to want to be with me because i cant do it. I would be like, yeah, yeah, next time you will be fine. One of my best female friends came to me and said, i have met this girl, will you come to a party and meet her and all of my friends. I arrived, party and meet her and all of my friends. Iarrived, i party and meet her and all of my friends. I arrived, i was wearing the most make up in the room, all there, getting along famously, as was the fashion back then, time for a was the fashion back then, time for me, was the fashion back then, time for a game, we all said, truth or dare, we played it at every party, i dont know why, it always ended up with a row, normally because we were too truthful or two daring, normally too truthful, i thought, truthful or two daring, normally too truthful, ithought, this truthful or two daring, normally too truthful, i thought, this could truthful or two daring, normally too truthful, ithought, this could be yet, my chance, i can tell my secret. Up until then i had kept it quiet. Even my doctors did not know, nobody knew. Yes, i was going to admit to mr floppy were they sympathetic, were they caring . Not at first. You know when somebody laughs beyond the part where it is funny, feeling upset, it was that, eventually, my friend wiped away the tears, got her breath back, came up, stood up, got off the floor, whacked me around the floor and said, you idiot, we are girls, we do not have that and we make love to girls and we do it very well. They all cried, of course they did, and i thought, i had not worked that out, which kind of shows how innocent i was as a teenager. At the time, lesbianism, feminism were very closely associated and very radical, these girls, they truly believe that what was wrong with the planet was men and their Erectile Function and penetration. All penetration was bad. Suddenly, iwas penetration. All penetration was bad. Suddenly, i was this type of man, this new type of man, never loosen elite, they thought it was great. I really like these girls, they thought i was called, they took me undertheirwing, they they thought i was called, they took me under their wing, they even made me under their wing, they even made me an honorary lesbian, and are used to go on lesbian marches, me and a load of girls and this bloke wearing lots of make up looking like boy george on wheels, kind of like a cross between boy george and a dalek. Down with men, men are bad. They taught me how to make love to a woman like a woman. I wonder how the people here are imagining something pornographic but i was still a guy, they still would not have gone near me, they told me, told me, with words, not actions , sadly are crabby when i was telling the bbc about this, they asked if i would tell them what they said, well, no im not. Im afraid im not letting you know, it is that would be betraying the sisterhood laughter letting out all of those trade secrets. If you want to know what its like, you are going tojust have to make love to a woman. Thank you very much, good night cheering that was amazing, i think everyone can learn from that story. Anybody wa nt can learn from that story. Anybody want any pointers, i will be at the bar. Ayurveda you for another storyteller . Are you ready . Bar. Ayurveda you for another storyteller . Are you ready . So, i grew up with hearing loss, moderately severe, that means essentially i cannot function in Society Without my hearing aid. I have a small devices. The funny thing is, i did not wear them until i was 20 years old, so that the first 20 years of my life, i did not hear much. How did i get by . I essentially hung out with a lot of louder people lechery. So i grew up in italy. You heard some of those people over there. I come from a family where 11 people, everyone, is very loud, you cant really understand how loud they are, every timei understand how loud they are, every time i go back for christmas, i have to ta ke time i go back for christmas, i have to take off my hearing aids its just crazy. So i had a girlfriend, her name is elise, british, from newcastle, she does not have a geordie accent, luckily, otherwise i would not understand anything she says. Speaks loudly, moves her hand a lot, as an italian, ifind this very attractive laughter the only thing, she speaks quite fast, when we moved in together, communication was a little bit complicated. Because she is not used to speaking with someone who has hearing loss, she speaks to me as if i have perfect hearing, even if i wear hearing aids, the thing is, i cant hear 100 , so to give you an example, if i am in the kitchen, busy doing Something Like cooking, and you walk into the room and begin talking to me straightaway when i am not seeing you, i cannot hear the beginning of what you said, even worse, if you speak to me from a different room, so i had to tell her, speak when you are facing to me, speak loudly, dont cover your mouth, dont mumble, dont speak to me from another room. But elise does forget about this, so i had to come up forget about this, so i had to come up with a new strategy. My strategy was dog training. I was going to train elise as if she was a dog. I thought that was a good idea. Every timei thought that was a good idea. Every time i could not hear her, i would interrupter, tell them what you did wrong, you did not speak well facing me imagine how annoying it was how annoying i was to her. Interrupts her. Of years the eye thought this was a great idea and i kept going, took it one step further, introduced marks on the wall, so we had a chalkboard at home, i said, elise, every time you make a mistake, we will make a mark on the wall. It did not work out because believe it or not, one day i realised she was not a dog, what really worked, a couple of ground rules. The first rule, we would always speak in the same room, no exceptions, the second, the attention rule, elise will always try to get my attention first and i will always give my attention to her, so i will stop doing something and tune in. This worked because we we re and tune in. This worked because we were both relaxed. And we were open to a cce pt were both relaxed. And we were open to accept criticism. It was not like i was trying to interrupter her all the time will stop that would have been frustrating. Elise even came up with her own ways of getting my attention which was not by calling my name all the time. That can be annoying, saying gianluca, gianluca. So she would use filler words, by the way, you know what, it gave me the way, you know what, it gave me the time to tune in. I miss much less now, but i still miss things, beautiful things, that i dont get frustrated anymore, because i know she cares. The beautiful thing is that i dont get frustrated anymore because i know that she cares. Gianluca cheering laughter amazing, so good. We have one more storyteller. Are you up for that . You have been great, everyone has been great so far. The next storyteller, somebody that i am very proud to know. Harriet dyer cheering i have got bipolar and it has caused some mayhem in my relationships. Ive got a boyfriend at the minute, proper other one, absolutely lovely, i doubt you want to hear about that. Before such an understanding boyfriend, the guy i was seeing had a problem with me doing stand up comedy. Because. Ithink a problem with me doing stand up comedy. Because. I think he thought it questioned his masculinity. So he kept telling me that hisjob was masculinity. So he kept telling me that his job was more masculinity. So he kept telling me that hisjob was more important masculinity. So he kept telling me that his job was more important and all of that, then one day, we were in bed, and he was telling me how good he would be at comedy, pretending there was a front row, women in the front row, and he was like, if you dont laugh at my jokes, you are fiercely lesbians. That is who i was dating. And he had seen that is who i was dating. And he had seen my medication, by my bed, he asked what it was, im quoted an open book, i said what it was. Im quite an open book. And he said, does that mean you are going to kill me in the night . It didnt mean that, but if you carry on talking. The first time i thought i was in love, i was at university and this guide, could not believe that someone guide, could not believe that someone like him would be interested in me, so good looking. There were signs that maybe it was not to be. Here was a sign, once we were in bed, and ive woken up in the night with a very wet back and gone, why my back wet . And he said, sorry babe, idreamt my back wet . And he said, sorry babe, i dreamt you were a year i gnoll i babe, i dreamt you were a year i gnoll i dreamt you were a urinal. Not a keeper when i was at university, there was a girl that i worship the ground she walked on, thought she was wonderful, strong, independent woman, funny, like her, she became my best friend. After a while, going out with this guy, i said, something does not sit right with me, i dont know, i dont trust him. She was my best friend, i opened up about stuff. She has said, no, this isjust your mental opened up about stuff. She has said, no, this is just your Mental Health is telling you this, all in your head. I was like an all right. When i spoke with him, he said the same thing, so i spoke with him, he said the same thing, so i was like, ok. They were together yeah, how bad is that, they were getting together. When court them in it, they were doing the whole, this is because of your childhood, harriet, this and that, it wasnt even what they had done, it wasnt even what they had done, it wasnt even what they had done, it was the fact they were using all that against me. I was livid i was livid. They were lying at me, and i punched them both in the face. But, because im not a fighter, i have punched them both in the forehead and i have broken both my hands honestly. Because there were such horrible people, that was not enough, she has rung the police, so then the next morning, i am in my halls of residence, i have got woken up halls of residence, i have got woken up by halls of residence, i have got woken up by the police, they have arrested me, i have been carted to a prison cell. Put me in a cell with this quy cell. Put me in a cell with this guy, he had just 12. Cell. Put me in a cell with this guy, he hadjusti2. Chatting nonsense at me. He said he invented toothpaste. What are you on about . Made me laugh. He had just one tooth. He said, if somebody with lots of teeth invented toothpaste, it would be called teeth paced. Teeth paste. It is so sad that that is on my record laughter give it up for all of those that we have seen tonight cheering you have been lovely, have a good night, good Night British Summertime began this weekend, that does not normally mean that we leap into Summer Temperatures but it was quite a remarkable weekend for some of us, no more so remarkable weekend for some of us, no more so than remarkable weekend for some of us, no more so than across remarkable weekend for some of us, no more so than across the highs of scotland, all that sunshine, sent temperatures soaring. 20 degrees in scotland, melting some snow, as you can see, the warmest day of the year so can see, the warmest day of the year so far, and it was in inverbroom. High pressure is keeping things at bay, and it is because of a huge block in the jet stream, think of this as a boulder in the stream, keeping the wet weather well up there. Fast forward to the end of there. Fast forward to the end of the week, that older will get swept away, as the jet stream ploughs the week, that older will get swept away, as Thejet Stream Ploughs its way right the way across the country, bringing a marked change in the weather, introducing rain bearing Weather Systems, in of the atlantic. We will see wet weather by the end of the week. Lets sum up the end of the week. Lets sum up the next few days. Starting on a dry note, then rain pushes in from the west. Having said all that, any brighter spells, it will still feel pleasa ntly warm brighter spells, it will still feel pleasantly warm at times. Not exactly warm out there first thing in the morning, distinguished chilly, single figures, in some places, yet again, frost across rural parts of north west britain in particular. Areas of low cloud and fog, changing weather, centraland eastern parts, particularly east of the pennines, particularly to the coasts of south east scotland. Most of us will have another fine day, quite pleasant again, up into the mid height teams, where it stays grey, a lot chilly, eight or 9 degrees. In the sunshine, across the south, for example, highs of 16, i7 degrees. The breeze will not be as strong as it has been across the southern areas through this weekend. A fine start to the week for most of us. A fine start to the week for most of us. Not going to last for much longer, low pressure starts to wind itself up, send Weather Fronts in our direction, the first of which will introduce thicker cloud, and some showery rain, initially to the south and west. It and miss, downpours around, i think, more northern and eastern parts dry weather, quite chilly near north sea coasts. Brightness inland again, temperatures doing pretty well. That Weather System followed by another which has a bit more in it, and that means heavy rain, across more western parts of the country. Oomph. Quite a gusty wind as well, some time for this rain to move further east, still some dry and fine weather around will stop by thursday, that Frontal System looks as though it will get hooked up across the southern and eastern areas, dont take the position of that too literally, introducing the chance of wet weather across the south eastern part of the uk, which will be a change in the weather. North and west, mixture of sunshine and showers, southerly wind, temperature doing pretty well, if you see brighter spells. Up into the mid to high teams. Bit of a mess on friday, dont take the position here too literally. If you get the gist, much more unsettled, some of these downpours, quite prolonged as well. Some big changes taking place over the next few days. Into early april, next week, showery corners, indications that things could turn dry again later in the week. Showery cool weather. After the westminster attack the government steps up pressure on Internet Companies over access to encrypted messages. Khalid masood is thought to have been using whatsapp moments before he killed four people the Home Secretary says firms must act. The Home Secretary says we need to make sure that organisations like whatsapp and there are plenty of others like that dont provide a secret place for terrorists to communicate with each other. As the investigation continues, theres been another arrest a 30 year old man from birmingham is being questioned. Also tonight after reports that an air strike against Islamic State caused scores of civilian deaths in iraq, well have the latest from mosul. In iraq, well have among the casualties of the Battle For The City two young boys in this field hospital. Most of those weve seen being brought in are children,
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