Transcripts for BBC Radio 4 Extra BBC Radio 4 Extra 20200124 090000

But I'm not there in the model. For the vice president of those I was starting. Next week the shady lawyer searches for a last Pekinese you don't see many of those you do you don't see many of those these days do you Pekinese. Me. With this weekend's comedy. Extra we have comedy for Mars Joplin just. To catch Lenny Henry. Science facts baby almost And Stan Freberg from trucks to be joined in the studio by the robber smashing a world with comedian. When I was well we're also buying tribute to the wonderful really needs are and some clips from Comedy Club there's a fine line of indulgence but Ok but so b.b.c. Radio 4 extra comedy officemate on. This is. That it. It's 9 o'clock Hello this is Susan rave with comedy for the beginning with we've been here before Clive Anderson's Yes 2 year quiz with Brandreth John Nash conjectures heading and later ego be able to deal with the ambitious plans of the new. The emerald green show in half an hour. From 2004 the 2nd series of the topical historical satirical panel show hosted by Clive Anderson with team captains Johnno Faddle and Gyles Brandreth our panelists set out to prove there's nothing new under the sun. Thank you. Thank you. There one welcome to we've been here before the show that believes that history gets recycled more often than Green Party election leaflets to assist our journey into yesteryear for panelists who can barely remember their own past let alone anyone else's but please give a big hand to Joe's brand or to join a feral Natalie Haynes and Richard Herring the theme as befitting this show let's kick off with a question about repeats John and Richard what are they bleaching on about here it provides 2 new opportunities one is that we would expect to be able as we improve these techniques to produce groups of identical animals with very desirable characteristics and the 2nd thing is that once we have our tissue culture cells in the dish we are able to introduce precise genetic changes into them right so not too far back in time with that be Dolly the sheep the 1st sort of significant cloning story although that was Professor Ian Wilmut actually. You're on to the right story they were not involved with I thought it was cleverer than that now Dolly Dolly was a sort of big celebrity sheep for a while when she was the 1st cloned mammal people came from miles around to see this new star saying Have you ever seen anything like this and I went yes that's the whole point and she sort of all the failed to hold the public's attention didn't she and recently sacked her publish the manager and checking out the Betty Ford Clinic why it soon I think think she died and she will surely Yeah that's my thing I think it doesn't work cloning it's sort of like a Star Trek thing and she got some kind of horrible disease indite that's a warning about scientists you're right you've got the she. Aspect of it and you are tentatively getting the fact that she wasn't very well she can live up to 12 years that's the reason of course but genetically Dolly was already 6 years old when she was born so she was literally mutton dressed as lamb. Chile or sheep or pretty much the same anyway really they could have just got away and yes here is another she look is exactly the same plant as you are not worried about integrity and so. This is the thing the human cloning thing goes back to my members a 900 his film was not about it called The Boys From Brazil in which the mad Nazi scientists cloned a whole load of young adult Hitlers to sort of take over the world or or failing that the land with parking permits office. I think if we could to. Get reactionary people around to cloning by pointing out that they could of course clone criminals so life could actually mean life if you kill 10 people you could be cloned 10 times after you die and then each of those clones could then be sent to prison for life from babyhood through the adult bird and then when they die they cloned again that's a fantastic. Idea how David Blunkett there because I think you. Think we could have like 500 of him going on and on and on but if you did that a reason for bringing up as it were it was the fact that this is a question of human cloning this week and if you are in favor of this week's request by British scientists to start human cloning research wouldn't it be marvelous I mean we want the country to be well run wouldn't amount of Tony Blair there were already 2 or 3 tiny plans available to us all the same person because he's being stretched too far the poor man is going through too much and he could be at Mr Reagan's funeral then he could go to Europe then he could be speaking in the House of Commons you could do these things simple take get us into the 3 wars that no one wants to be. Following Dolly's death or fleece was put on display in the Science Museum His skin was put on display in the Edinburgh museum and our insides are still on display at the take away the way of the station Charles and Natalie. Here's a hot property for you to watch this bubble and what happened when it burst over the River Thames is from another district of back to back Victorian terraces. Gentrification is virtually complete it's a fashionable Mecca with exclusive house prices 3 bedroom property here will sell for anything around 152200000 clubs. Just a terraced house quite fantastic prices below the means of any wall averaging couple obviously below average it or I will the question really is what happened next fashionable Mecca was a bigger problem. And full of the human heart and not be Ok I can't afford to that's the point prices going through the roof yes if you've got a roof that's not being honest and. The essence of it is it's been there live at Stonehenge was that are they moved out to millennia ago or did they. Then there's like a group home run from the point is it's not one of these property booms and busts Yes I've been writing has been through several things and sense going to be one within it could be the one in the sixty's or could be the one in the seventy's or could be the one in 1990 I had lost my group of 2000 pounds it was the eighty's ending in 1990 s. You're right back to your view rescue the point of your team the voice you heard was Labor m.p. Nick Rainsford India 96 talking about the property boom this was just before the house price collapse of the late eighties that left millions with negative equity and many others facing repossession as the bubble peaked in 97 what unusual property sold in Knightsbridge for 35000 pounds Oh yes it was a rabbit hutch very distinguished rabbit hutch that had been in the Howards and that wasn't it was a gallery No it wasn't I left with some friends with which you say complete Not so not since But you you say it with such sort of a learn and when I was 10 is the taking part. Of it was a it was a cupboard in fact the. So to Knightsbridge in the world of cliche couldn't just be a Cup It was a cup of strong cup a broom cupboard proving how much it was bought in Knightsbridge for having She said it was later bought by parents become bison into planning. What the experts predicting as prices rocketed the 1000000 pound rabbit hutch Yeah it was going to go on and on for of a most of the current forever a spokesman for Hambro estate agent said in $97.00 it's impossible to see when the price rises good level off a point you still have to make today to anyone buying a big issue from any. Of. The stories about house prices and the reason we brought up this week is the governor of the Bank of England has just predicted that house prices may fall this means either he's worried about the economy or he's trying to buy a house for less than the asking price do you think we're on the verge of another crash I really hope yes otherwise I will never ever be able to find yes it's old isn't it because we get worried when house prices go down we like house prices going up unless you have got one of us well I don't have it and I would have to kill I think 6 militants before I could afford to buy one. But I'm kind of hoping that as you know a huge disaster in oil prices be funny because I can have a house Natalie and buying like says the house was like the weather is getting better and better tenting has never been more enjoyable instead of fun more fun more freely available well at the end of round one that jars and not only have 2 points but John and Richard have 4 all thanks. Now unlike a Greg resent ski we're going to move swiftly into the next round and the next archbishop George Carey a suggest that Charles and Camilla should marry traditionalists are outraged that a royal prince should marry someone he actually likes but John and Richard who's this falling on his royal sword over a previous royal marriage crisis you all know. Which have been hailed me. But you must believe me. When I tell you. That I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as. I would wish to do. But I'll help support of the woman I never heard that before that was 936 ad with the 8th broadcasting to the nation about the woman he loved and that was the very 1st our Choose actually. God save the cake and that was his journey more than he was on the throne after only about 10 months as MONUC in order that i.t.v. Could make a lavish costume drama some years later that's true enough but too easy but you're right it was that with the it's application speech as you say it in $96.00 a limited December and it was brought on by his decision to marry divorce a Mrs Simpson who co-wrote his application speech just very cry. Just you know the actual answer and the answer you're looking for which is Winston Churchill quite right he wrote the bit that went to I will have her on the beach is . One of the problems with not a wish to divorce see what other things are wrong covering divorce she was an American of course yes and they were a neutral country then not our allies as they are now. Which Well you've mentioned you're also Catholic which has been a problem with the royal family here is a West Point supporter. City she was a comma not Americans you have to be those that have a stalker see your royal family and also be a mom according to some rumors but that may be just an advance copy of Some Like It Hot. Because she didn't make it easier so for other reasons why she had certain Nazi sympathies as well she is. Hitler and there was always a theory that the Duke of Windsor became was a Nazi sympathizer was made governor of the Bahamas was NATO was sent off there and some punishment really wasn't Yeah they went off there and sort of watch the war from a great distance she tried to climb Hitler as well. But this is similar to connection with Von Ribbentrop when he was posted to. Before the war and the duke and duchess visited Germany as Hitler's personal guests in 1937 so no one knew all that bad and yeah. Yeah to him he was lovely. I mean also old and Diana maybe she went to visit him and not to. So what do you think to bring up that should Camilla be allowed to marry a troll I'm very happy for trial Stuart ever he wishes to do whether he wants to have a committed or not is a moot point I don't want to marry him because he flirted with my mum what were the circumstances as my mum went to get her m.p. For her services to education and the Asian communities in North Birmingham and she went up and she did the whole thing we have to get on one knee and he's nice to you and gives you and small to have ages and when you watch the video after he really liked it my mum is way perceiving my mum Mrs Parker Bowles of course comes from a family where having being the mistress of royalty is part and parcel of the course in that she. Camilla could become an official consort rather than a sort of full blown queen as it were I would wish it. Would be good. For you would you she's not just the viral core here is the full blown quote She is a 4 budgies she's. Not even a Queen concert but there is a proposal that she committed could just become a wife a concert and the children that might be born would not become as I'm not sure that's all that's the problem. This is why the plan as important yes if you just clone is exactly right cut out how you Lady Diana we could have her back and she could be queen and that's what everyone wants she was a candle in the wind. She flirted with me wants led down a see did I was there. I was at Wimbledon and I was going out with the go at the time his dad was in charge of Wimbledon and so I got seats for any well connected people are also I got I got seats very near to the robot Yes I was looking at her in the 3rd set and there she is that little 2 off by Prince William and she saw me she must have felt my gaze but she sort of turned around and said look straight at me and I don't know what the. Call was at that point she was looking at me so I kissed her on the mouth now I was just too far away so I just I pulled a sort of stupid face and she really laughed and looked at me like I did and I think through a fringe so I reckon I was in. A made off this is the royal family's ability to make everybody feel is just the way for my mom and dad still yeah yeah yeah but it's come to something when the Archbishop of Canterbury cannot keep his mouth shut this is the real scandal. You know who can you trust now to yes I mean frankly who can you trust is one thing the butler doing is yes it's another thing when the archbishop goes blabbing blabbing blabbing Yeah and apparently the Archbishop had Charles and Camilla over to his place and coos them. On. Their way to have you around for tea there's Camilla she's pouring a hot out there he's the. Right and you know down to a few minutes later you can publish his memoirs it's the only kiss and tell he's ever going to get to do it. Anyway so this run started with the Mrs Simpson she was said to have an unsavory sexual reputation dating back to the time she spent in Asia and indeed after a few martinis she could do a great party trick with a ping pong ball. That's the end of that round at least that part of it I'm going to go on to your questions Jon's anatomy and even see a subject for you this country's a bank to be swamped by a huge wave of East European immigrants it is if you read the Daily Mail anyway but what paranoia is this gripping the Anglo-Saxon world a 100 years or so ago. A rising tide of the on Noble other boys to take over our jobs our women our country Chinatown even looking trying to mend slink back and forth carrying knives and hatchet. You know over our jobs our women our restaurants. This is the famous yellow peril the Yellow Peril 900 fall. That we were all going to be swamped by people coming in from mainland China and all of America and all of the United Kingdom they said no actually considered in this ignore and it and they really top these people in a sort of derogatory way even they got Conan Doyle in on it who had sort of dens of iniquity opium den do those in shock and just because he does because he's not a Chinese there was legislation passed to prevent Yet Chinese people coming over both to Europe and United States of America but this is a fact during the Cold War as recently as the 1950 s. There was a real fear that the owners of Chinese restaurants in Britain was people's waiting for comedies and they're waiting for the orders where you're saying they're waiting for somebody from. 43. That's a revolution. I'm sure that's right. There was only talk of the un could serve the time but you're quite right along the way you got to the point of the question the so-called Yellow Peril was a name given to 1900 stare about Chinese immigration which caused in a phobic panic in the West especially among white Americans who'd been proud of their country for all of 100 years and the exclusion that stopped Chinese people coming in also prohibited lunatics and idiots mentoring the country you're quite right making that president an extraordinary for. Their new yes he were illegal days but there isn't a Chinese now and of illegal now unless I'm misreading of the last election. What serves to end Yellow Peril hysteria the excellence of special fried rice. Not really no no it was not nothing as it's quite sort of comforting is that I'm the 1st goal to have an August 2nd eruption or I guess your closest Yes the knees became the new enemy on. Account of the 2nd World War and then we kind of help you know overreacting The Japanese are matching became the new enemy because of the 2nd World War and in 1903 Life magazine published a guide so Patrick Americans could tell the difference the Chinese are Portsmouth complection while the Japanese of an earthly yellow complection for further details consult a deluxe paint chart. In up to date terms the asylum seeker issue is around at the moment and we've had fears about people going back over this is a group that we have welcomed to think of this the centuries can we just be united here because you know the Daily Mail's had its And way far too long all we not just believing in a world where people can come and go as they please that's what I wrote I want to be allowed to go anywhere I want. Wherever you want. To. Unite Kingdom is the nation can Tali composed of immigrants people say send people back where they come which is start with them work out what percentage of them comes from abroad and send that percent of them back to wherever they came from because no one commits office oh yes oh you know it's illegal most of us have Roman blood in an eastern european botanists were from all over the place and been invaded so many Roman blood now you're talking all right now I made the 1st or the expansion of the e.u. To include 10 new members from Eastern Europe they're not sure actually if it's 10 they're still trying to side with us Lavinia and Slovakia the same country. As the Daily Express Britain has agreed to welcome an army of gypsies with open arms but any gypsies without open arms will be sent back. Thanks to our guests for opening the floodgates of around to all the schools of tightened up because Giles and Natalie have 6 points John and Richard have 5 and a half. Now on to the hair raising theme ride that is round 3 this week the theme is motoring misery and it's not about driving on the m $25.00 it's about oil which is currently spiraling upwards in price not for the 1st time John and Richard take a trip down memory lane and tell me who this is and what's fueling that axed does not mean that we're going to run out of. 'd stop or that we will free up at a place in America. They did not mean genuine soccer or any American. But it will require sacrifice by all or do you recognize that voice to children pushed. Is it not all American presidents have been called Bush My guess is 973. Over there early seventy's anyway it's the crisis that followed the Arab Israeli war that was fought to decide which of them got to enter the Eurovision Song Contest it was the voice John was it Nixon it was Nixon Well done you're going to get a point for Richard Nixon 1st scary sounding voice that was actually the very month he was completely consumed with Watergate in the world was falling apart around disease and Egypt and Syria were invading the Golan Heights and Suez and he was sort of cutting up bits of tape in his office but it was a terrible terrible time for petrol consumers the price of petrol doubled in a year but on the police decided to get. His What was the American government's public response they are. Lurd the speed limit is 55 miles an hour correct which states this day in fact and you can go across those big American deserts in great big cars very very slowly Well they did not think they they rationed petrol and also use of cars or numbered cars on Monday Wednesday and Friday even numbers on Tuesday Thursday and Saturday which meant rich Americans would buy to cause poor Americans or buy to numberplate. I am familiar with all this because I happen to be a personal friend of shaky money who is still around I was sent to interview him I sat down and he offered me some chocolates I took a chocolate and he put some on his hands and rubbed his fingers through my hair yes the lovely perfume the room and there was to a Polish He gave me chocolates 1st which is like I was the 1st day I got that silly so I was asking about the sort of the public response America but what was their secret response response was that if any if any Middle Eastern countries get uppity again we'll invade them and get those gullible Brits to join us more or less is the gist of it well they were apparently under Documents released after a 30 year old that the Americans were considering invading Saudi Arabia and Kuwait during the crisis to b.b.c. Sources of the possibility of the replacement of Arab rulers by more amenable leaders honesty would know that. But now we're going to zoom recklessly into the next part of this question it was announced this week that speed cameras are reducing the number of or injuries apart from those caused by punching speed cameras obviously but what traffic solution is being referred to here the locomotive should have 3 persons employed and that one person should proceed the locomotive on foot by not less than 60 yards and you carry a small red flag constantly displayed actual warning drivers on riders of horses of such locomotive the red flag at $865.00 Oh well then yes I like that date that drive 4 miles an hour in the country and 2 miles now in the city and just have a man walking 60 yards in front carrying his little red flag to drive it and. And eventually they reduced it down to only 2 people needed rather than 3 if you're the flagman and you could have been 20 out of it and those got a good solution simply miles an hour in town that's that's faster than most cars go anyway so that. Is quite a hazardous job for them out of the red flag of Especially when driving a golf course especially when corners just 60 yards I just say given that background for the 865 back when was the 1st speeding ticket issued 965 on pump 4 that's a good guess but I'm afraid it's not much later. It's 895 so I don't even know why they had speed cameras but the cars had to sit still for 5 minutes. You're quite right but it was the water almost goes down in history we was fined one shilling for speeding in a area. This pulled over traveling at a total of 8 miles an hour much the relief of the exhausted man with the flag was trying to say that the Red Flag Act in fact was what inspired call Mox because he was living in London at the time in the 860 s. Now this is true and going to British Museum every day he's an immigrant we welcomed very much the point that I'm not sure if he was he wrote the book in which you know but anyway he was writing to us capital in the and saw the red flag being walked up and down the street good idea can I just say that it's wrote that in 848 and the red flag on it was in 1905 you have a point deducted for historic and I can say all right Ok. Fair enough. It was a vision. Of 55 I say I don't know if I don't give negative points in this group because like you know the prize for us I will give you a bonus point for a yes because. They are very disappointed that they haven't of the alternative measures because Intel's had replay last year the police introduced a new scheme where instead of you could either pay points in a fine if you caught speeding or you could go into a community center and answer questions for 5 minutes from local children about what you were driving too fast. So essentially you can either pay 60 pounds and take 3 points on your license or make a roomful of children you've never met before cry. For ages that the best idea ever now last year drivers in the West Midlands played almost 2000000 pounds in speeding fines although there were mitigating circumstances in most cases they were trying to get out of Birmingham as fast as possible thank you for driving the point home then just before we head to our Final Round I can tell you at the moment jobs are not we have 6 points but John and Richard have taken rather records they were 8 and a half points so. There's no. It's just time for a quick turnaround called spin on this and this Alastair Campbell may have embraced the lecture circuit something we just should be electric circuit but spin doctoring lives on how Would today's spin merchants' give a positive gloss to these disastrous events of the past England lose 21 to France in the 91st minute what's a spin doctors version of that elaborate post-war confidence building program by the English finally helps French. For the headline a. Graceful apology for Agincourt boosts. One I think compelling argument for 85 minute not just. A compelling argument for 90 minutes. Just cuts off that 60 years on from D.-Day once again the English bravery sacrificed themselves to rescue the French. Forgery of brutal drunken violence justified. Good news for Pasha's fails to score for once. He more or another another story tower of Pisa starts tilting this is a true historical thing with the spin doctors version of that. George Best sees 1st straight building. Yes the top of Pisa has started tilting it's a great new craze I'll be doing it with windmills next. Literary well against quixotic quixotic. Clumsy tourists marginally less fault. Oh new opportunity opens up to make the fog. British builders no longer my chiefs in Europe I. See it is the builders from hell commissioned. All right how about the Exxon Valdez spill Zoila in Alaska you something cynic I think. I think baby seals look thinner and black. Furious lemmings to be rescued by Greenpeace activists. Exxon Valdez avoids cliché Paul's oil untroubled water this. Eskimo fisherman back thousands of s. a Club called points. See the birds get much needed. Black Cormorant now much more calm and. I could listen to these all night they're. Going to print it out so that's not available Well I've ordered some bonus points and that said the scores finally end this week an exciting finish Giles and not only have 8 points but just winning John and Richard with not an awful thank the. That brings us to the end of all history for this week anyways because I want to say goodbye goodbye. Thank you thank you thank you both thank you so much I was drunk short of bottle Richard Herring and not to leave the reader was the quote thank the show was the. Has been written by Mark Potts and Don got stuck and the producer was admonish. Next weekend we've been here before Clive Anderson's guests are Mark Steel John O'Farrell Chris Anderson and David Quantic. Secrets of a long and happy marriage work as a team telnet session the can rarely go out why because she's had some walk down and we all know that but she doesn't know we know don't sweat the small stuff I don't ask for much you make more demands and I jam I'll say Look after your spouse in sickness and in health sun is up and it's a beautiful day I very much hope you're feeling better who you conversations from a long marriage starring John a lovely and Roger Alan now I remember why we're still together don't slam the door on b.b.c. Radio 4 available now on b.b.c. Sounds. Like you this is b.b.c. Radio. Now in the final part of listen Kayla's comedy series new ghetto Tunisia has big plans for emerald green and it seems for herself. Who was that David wrong number you were talking a long time. I thought she wasn't going to phone hair anymore who you know who why is it so wrong being friends with your ex-wife Anyway what makes you think it was her. Get it. Hello. And. What a surprise is David Rowe. Again. The emerald green show by Liz l. Kayla starring Luella Gideon as emerald green. Episode for. All for one. You're going high keen It can't be serious David when I agreed I didn't realize it would be the same week you finish the show why do you always exclude me oh you're the famous church show queen who hasn't had time for a natter these past months c'mon how do you feel about coming with us out of the question this would be your chance to get to know Katie she's your daughter that's all I need to know it's a good way to get fit it you need all that fresh air and sea breeze don't forget my poor heart what about your poor next experienced climbers know how to be careful if you're experienced but we all have to start somewhere and also we have all the right gear that's another thing costly boots What if someone saw me someone like who I mean that's the whole idea of going get away from people everything I may just be en route to you David but out there I'm a national celebrity with those cliffs can be quite steep will easily see off any autograph hunters Thanks for the offer but I'll stay at home by yourself I have got friends I'll call a few not even go clubbing clubbing I met you at a club that was different very different you were the only statue on the dance floor and I was there under duress and my back was playing up your legs even more Ok I can't dance so walk legs weren't made for the Latin shuffle they were made for nice brisk. Walks around to the us again so I haven't persuaded you not even convinced you if I'm going anywhere it's abroad one of those expensive holidays your wife got so used to the one who wants to be locked away in some sterile 5 star environment surrounded by God for ng sunburnt middle aged farts around some pool bar talking about good old Blighty sounds good to me Ok fine you've made your decision on take the high road and you boogie on down with your friends. I just want to apologize for the confusion of sorry. So you're about the quarter of them Globe broke ass rang me out I'm very sorry I had no idea so that's where you get to in the daytime I didn't realize it asked for references now I thought they wait until after the show have you no faith in the Emma greens Oh yes yes but you've got to have a full back you've also got to have conviction. M. Wrote if you were the little man's thinking of jumping ship trust me straight how do you he's so desperate to work with wild animals if he was offered a job filming plastic hippos in a theme park I reckon he'd tell you could do you know if I'm going out of here tryst I'm going Victor. Thank you very much for sticking up for me in the No one would ever know that the lady herself is also planning to abandon her own show we've got to move on Tristram does exactly what I'm trying to do why did you divert that call from Glo through to Victor I remember doing that interested me is flooding in you're just jealous I'll be an x. Cable box employee before you trust em all greed is on her way I'm the one who's had the high profile camera coverage who's going to remember some tiny producer credit at the end of a long list of other names mine being on the very top I don't hear the phones ringing in the hordes crying out for Emerald that's because I have something you don't time and when it comes I'll be sitting on the highest bronze cherrypick in exactly what suits me who also cruel find me a man where is the energy of the buzzing this place this is the last show we should be looking to make aspirin Jerry Springer Oh to me she couldn't put this very promising application form in the post could you do another one still chasing that wild goose then Tristrem she's right isn't it about time you started looking for a proper job as a matter of fact I got an interview all lined up with a production company filming a nature series and dub a show you didn't say I may have a very large trumpet Emeril but I don't always choose to blow it now what's this film about it's about intense study of the mating habits of. Field mice. Only one tiny step away from that Kenyan Wildlife survivor then just to go peacefully I'll turn that one down there are a couple more big ones that I'd rather not talk about Jess yet what about you right we really didn't mean time I forgot I've got a photo shoot in half an hour with a very prestigious Bond street photography. Do you think you 2 could manage to brainstorm sifting together all you carry on the room to see if we can manage chill out I wish some people would be a bit more committed around here ready actually to me so I was hoping to have an early lunch pop into town and meet a few contacts you couldn't manage on your own Could you use well you know Emerald tonight we've been watching you closely to Nisha and we think it's time we gave you a leg up the promotion ladder and all this time I didn't even know there was once a bit of a responsibility but we decided to leave you in charge of the brainstorm list yeah that makes sense good good well I'm glad you're not daunted thing as it was only my brains that went into it go interest or just to use a topic that excites you maybe some time if exhausts you know nothing I never do when it comes to you 2 to nature you're a star someone's got to be around here particularly given rights researcher. I think this is a drone on about how I taught that animals on the way back to the office knowing. I just don't understand it every shoot I go to all the photographers full on over me said I look fabulous someone anyone take me on you know I'm really getting into the idea this holiday no television company has responded to my glowing references even though the myself to guarantee results and nothing there's some national trust going again this morning I'm I'm just plotting a root system has had millions of people interested in him he's interested in me I'm going off the idea of buying a tent Maybe I should hire a caravan David what am I going to do what do you thing. Behind or by caravan or tent like give up the razor. You know I was coming home not much. Through. 0 what's best. For our guests in good nick but I bet you've got my favorite cheesecake in a free and we're not there's something I need to explain Dave you know the only person who makes me feel good about myself these days how can you better be off. Won't you be late for work do you hate me I'm taking time off when I actually am old if you wouldn't mind I spoke to someone. Who is a Katie and all the Prince and so I bumped into in the high street so David put him off I really need to talk to you because she's away she she was a client of my last job was she coming here oh you know me who thought we'd catch up on time so you think you know me you know what I mean yes so this is what you do what I'm hard it was it wasn't planned what you like my age well why didn't you say not but oh I forget. Here was this oh open it. Slit Oh it's just it's huge it's. What I did today to me why was it before do you bumped into this geriatric lady from your past and why does that matter my mother was right about you what I'm just some pressed to this whole thing to drape over your arm so you don't take me seriously. Well you know what you can do if you don't have a piece of junk. Oh darling you should have let me help you have another career out of your wardrobe some nice old clothes my design no real I don't have old clothes everything's new Everything's expensive and everything's in very good taste. Great fully received Mom could you see I'm very upset what's he done I've moved out all praise be it's not funny mom here invite some woman round to our flat cooks her own luck Jannot me and then 2 as the Chink to give me a present I always say he was an animal and he knows I'm going through a terrible time I am poor darling 2 failed marriages behind him already I've told you he's not to be trusted let me teach him a lesson you must stay with you for a few days oh don't be silly I can't go back there especially not after a few days expect you to move into he moves out I've only got to shoot cases that do Mom I may be homeless but that's no reason for me to drop my standards. Love David Eunice what are you doing here said you beyond that she had no right giving you those keys I'm not happy playing go between so just let me get on with my errand and make my way out what do you want she's forgotten how large you make up Never could she come and get herself what an innocent believe so with one side of a wardrobe and you haven't worked out she's left you just didn't think she meant it . Tell her when she's ready to come home and stop behaving like a child I'll be waiting I'm not here to pass on messages no do I have to stand in this cold it of all cannot come and get that member of the o.m. Bring it round ladies who have to do that struggle with it in my bag. I don't believe it you just know it's not what your keys David and the feeling and the old won't be wanting look. Ok everybody pull up a chair this is important we thought you were on the golf course there are more important things in life Tristram there are ways emerald and where's all the paperwork on this show reports by correspondence how come there is nothing in my in-tray and the victory you never said never mind what I've said in the past now pay attention to the flip chart. Results results results let me hear you say that result results ourselves outs good that's our new corporate month or a new but we're at the end of the series Victor all the more reason this sounds good commit commit commit that's Munter number 2 Tristram. Came soon to say what's this all about exactly what I'm about to ask you what's this last show about and I hope you're going to say Sex sex sex is that number 3 Exactly that's what we've been waiting to hear all this time Victor you've certainly been given that you're going to zation a thorough going over to write if there's one thing that sells in the States it's sex and scandal I hope this last show contains enough to satisfy all our interested parties out there scandalising the Americans this is a British show that will come to that. Now back to this week's topic what's the show about. To nation. To nation never want to let us down Care to enlighten us we're doing a show on friendship are we talking provocative here well one looking at something that's going to give us the raw deal you know you know get some feathers flying friends they used to be friends and that they constantly check that you know betrayal vengeance all of that simple things like it of course I'll explain the topic fully after this meeting later well I'm counting on you all to make this show a success you've got that a lot and live it to that. Something happened recently you seem to be on the ball Ok I'll come clean. Cable Vox is offering me a promotion an opportunity to head up a new division in l.a. Division Naturally my 1st thought was for you guys I'm trying to sell you to my boss out there in what way Soule I'm not sure at the moment but if we pull off a final show that knocks the others out of the water we're in business that understand what you get to squeeze in America the full implications aren't yet clear even to meet an Isa but they're sending over reps to see the fall in a recording and as I've sold emerald green big time It better be hot but what about the 2nd series I mean you say you leave before we get to Nisha it's come as a shock to me to never mind the wife she's only got to juggle a Great Britain tourist guide she'll never forgive me if we miss Harriet's still we must count our blessings Well do you think I'll send someone over to take your place I wouldn't worry your head over the details to Nisha it will all work itself out now you're all dismissed. To have you got a minute or 2. To Nisha do you think we could have some coffee in here yeah all right and wrote. To Nisha remember shock it to me. L.a. In this new division do you see the possibilities for an emerald green in the state or a producer such as myself if you recall our little chat about nature programs I hear the Everglades is no ideal location for wildlife filming you're both interested in the States isn't everyone then remember what I said results results results that's right to commit commit can make sex sex sex coming up later we really got to get our heads together on this one Emerald of course Emerald Greens got to be bigger better bright need an ace research or and double quick you've got to Nisha use our talking high caliber Victor to nature isn't anywhere near the lead I'm thinking we could poacher Kilroy What do you think Christians right Victor will need an enhanced budget if I'm going to not the best I've ever been well that's something we don't have the bottom line is we used to Nisha because she doesn't cost us a penny that's why she's here that's her u s p u s p remind me what that means again unique selling point for and Tunisia. This is some job bringing me here I never joke about good food in these especially in a place like this one of the best restaurants in London I'm impressed Viktor never been anywhere where I can't read the menu now read it for you that's Ok I have a car myself now I know you're worried about the show but you shouldn't be let me tell you emerald green is going to run and run oh why oh sorry just trying to read this menu or as I was saying if you really want to stand television I've got contacts all over the globe I could give you a pretty good reference Wow rainbow trout was that like well it's kind of limey to me said Don't be mad What can I do to make it up to you too late for that your bogus Victor all this time of work feel for no money but I didn't mind I thought when at least to show my respect I thought you were different just a user I'm just gutted that I fell for it I like it when you talk street to nice is that what I am to this show a bit of street cred. Well that's cool vixen because I know rom going to new show that's my hand you're touching you're part of the team to Nisha you give the show integrity identity you like a piece of the final jigsaw that fits neatly into place what yourself because there's a big hole in it now I want you to Nisha I need you what for I can't give you 6 x. 6 big tell. Ok to sit down let's talk business yet after we talk page. And people are invited to disrupt party. So we have something to celebrate to Nisha he would said Nina I heard you went for Millwood ficta How was it not my kind of place really a lot my meat cooked did you drink out of a straw Well you must have done a lot of sucking up to get what you wanted in the ira Scuse me. That was a kind of a little black chick threatening to leave the show I must try that some time to get out my way you know have to have more conversation than fact if you want to take my show you're on your way out Emerald what I want of your show good because it's me those Americans are going to see on that floor you know use Iraq but believe me I'm not your enemy so what did you want from Victor whatever it was I've got it right and if you want to know you should get your own struggles a box of them seeing as you're so desperate you don't fool me I knew exactly what she would the minute she walked in here show it to me she missed she miss morality and all that time after the same thing as everyone now and don't make you think a I end up being the only one to get it checked is not taking good to America when I was trying not to upset you but seeing as you're upset in yourself because if you don't mind I've got a show to run this is sabotage How does Victor expect me to try to show off. Emerald What are you doing here when I renewed my membership go to a couple of place. If you don't mind I come here for peace and exercise not to be stalked by some adulterous exploit for I was just silly I wrote or haven't done anything I'll pass on to my mother that you called her a lie hard I'm just saying she misread the situation so that wasn't your ex-wife making herself very comfortable in our flat that's just typical of your mother leaping to wild conclusions look it was only very innocently we were discussing Katie's trip rearranging it save it go away and suffer your mid-life crisis out of my sight is this you or your mother speaking we speak as one who find well enjoy playing the superior t.v. Queen but remember after this week expect a plain old emerald and you'll still be a pathetic man who can only pertain to. Sending the disc. David to you Well that's my leg who who all give it Rob which one was that was dancing got some. Oh you. Know where you. Oh come in you just. Have a key strike and if you found what you're looking for I thought I'd left it here but obviously I was wrong what was it well just some little thing. I wouldn't do that David was on and you'll be the death of your complection but it's the only with that thing you have got orange jacket black trousers fine if you want to look like a belief should be can I give a race like trying to 2nd guess what's inside the Millennium Dome as I always said to Emerald just be yourself well that's not her advice to me and somehow I've got to transform myself from sensible financial consultant to hip and Turan the music promoter to think that you at all know it's not it's to nature's boyfriend and he apparently that's my competition for the night how does Emerald expect me to match someone like that for a start when she said this do was a wrap party I imagine break dancing around the buffet table and then I find out it's rap with a w. The sort of media end of series things you do they will have decided to go after all disappointed no. Well frankly I'm surprised you even opened the door to me. David it seems I all you apology and how many years are we going back no it was wrong of me to jump to conclusions there. That's my apology I hang on you don't get away with it that easily I thought not this pile of clothes I need professional help you're on sartorial guidance Oh did I'm glad you think my judgment is the main reason Eunice is emerald if she thinks I got it wrong you get the blame. I need your help and I've invited a couple of people to see the show and well make sure you greet them they're well looked after the prospective future employers names and what do they look like I've never actually met them I just sent out a blitz of letters really interested and I knew I could rely on you I only I don't see anyone around here if it's a trustworthy descriptor Come on you 2 is the last 2 forgive and forget. Nation that's up to her emerald forget everything I've done for this is a mix I think so tenacious sort of. Don't take it pass on it in the show she doesn't mean it I don't know whether the done to her is a competition I expect she's never been very good at sharing my fault I should have said no more often did you ever say it's all really she's mad to think anyone could compete with emerald green don't underestimate yourself if you want to see areas match for Emerald that green eyed monster wouldn't be surfacing behind those on to act Oh do you think it was meant to say that everyone knows those green eyes of fakes Mrs Macleod Trust me I mean any person who doesn't know his Emerald. She tries to move in on victim now it's my mother tenacious a mineral water my spirit struggling along and trying to because they go why are you so rude don't worry I've got a used to it sometimes I'm so ashamed of you you give that over David such an easy ride then you take everything out on this poor little child that poor little child is nothing but a 2 faced opportunist. You know you're not really see it here about America mother I'm serious about the surface of the moon if that's where my destiny takes me my future's completely dried up here. And you can stop take it out on me because you're not the only one who's out on their ear This is called How to impress emeralds mutha we all fell for this sort of thing in the beginning she's obviously still collecting victims and what would you do in America to me sure. Do you on I expect you'll find it a very different experience working with Victor in his own environment with no Mrs Macleod. Similar old she's trying to push me out that's what you want to believe emeralds you really must learn to trust people m.r. Oh so you're saying you're the one doing the talking. Amytal and build your own in 5 minutes saw in pick up Tristram. I thank you very much thanks so much thank you thank you ladies and gentlemen this is the end of the current series of the emerald green show I'd like to say thank you to 2 very special people my producer Tristram and my assistant to Neisha Thank you I thank you. But you know I'd also like to say a big thank you to you the viewers and the studio audience you've made this show and you've made me emerald green you've been my friends you've been the people I've been able to talk to and to listen to. You've shown me that it's Ok to be me and I know now that I'm a strong person and that whether or not I'm a chat show queen or a shop assistant I'm still special still important so if you see me on the street. Don't be afraid come up to me and say I am robbed. Thank. 7 God I'm wishing future compliment me almost I'm wearing Did you hear to make small talk but not to me mingle mingle make it right. That was a powerful end to a great series David tells me that he's taking you away for a little break you deserve it I wouldn't call it a little vague it's not the kind of money David spend in 5 stone should be all the way. Great not party to nation and world isn't it Sam but we're mates not you know hardly mates of the come people it's respond to privileged invite you say you'd like me to meet these people Emerald they'd like to meet you real big even offered an all expenses paid trip to l.a. a Real shame about your holiday I'll let them know that you are not available no no need Vic to have my arrangements on firmed up Oh good they don't yes. You look wonderful that you should waistcoat you put Tunisia's boyfriend in the shit. Where do we find a quiet place to go to war. The emerald green show starred Luella Gideon as emerald green Jonathan Keeble as David Jonathan furthest Tristram you and Thomas. Sheila read as Eunice Dean Hill as Victor and Joe Martin as to Nisha it was written by Liz al-Qaeda and directed by Pam Fraser Solomon that was the last episode of the emerald green show for now next week Nick balls audience sitcom centered on the perpetual loser Angus dry who lives at home with his mom Dr slopes at this time next week. I listen to your stories each like a fairy tale where you are the Princess but more of an in need of a prince. I am tiles about home and migration. Now I walk along street in shame I'm not Devon looking up from a collection by Sushmita Bhattacharya on the festivus Ray He bought our Paris she was disappointed her sister who had got a cold necklace from hosp. Short works table manners next Monday to Friday. On b.b.c. Radio 4 extra.

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