Now William I was wondering about Kathy and Peter Oh Ok what you want to know so that friends again yes but I think they're sort of feeling that way more literally No not literally. So why is Peter still staying with us and don't get me wrong I do like him being here and everything but should really be with Kathy Yes I know. We all know that they should be together and we all know that they secretly love each other but she's decided she likes p.j. So we're just going to have to play along for a while they love each. New we have I meant he should be living with Kathy until his flats available Oh well I think it's still too soon for actual living together specially with Bridger I know he's p.j. Living with her to know what his days over quite a while and he doesn't like it e.j. Doesn't mind one way or the other it's more what he does which is but. You know Cassie like to keep the heating on quite hard Yes Well it reminds p.j. Of his homeland and they get sort of went back to basics what do you mean he likes wandering around start making. Classes trying to talk him out of it oh they're very strange these Antipodeans out there yes John h. . Farley Rufus and. Now. Should we be concerned about Cathy right now now Janet we shouldn't for the 1st time ever Cassie is fine she has a boyfriend who adores her and she still managed to convince him otherwise Pete and p.j. Get on like a house on fire and PJ's supportive of both Cassie and Pete and their friendship exactly so isn't it about time she messed things up. I saw him and yes Monday they've been together a month now and I still haven't met any of your friends my friends are all from work and. They're all policeman here oh to be honest with you I don't want you to meet them. Consent of there might be an international arrest warrant out for you or something so I met. Actually also said I'm always in the right way where should you meet my friends it's all I think it's a natural the speed of good of all your friends and from them oh she's all together proper money got Cassie and she's your ex-girlfriend so you can't blame that on May know him from elsewhere p.j. They were not related and she tweeted this is biology is going to change plot Well that's clearly geography much less yet it. Now but not that it makes much difference I mean what do I care whether you don't come to with the situation you got me and I like you and this is the Bob world of course my one and only friend is your ex so it doesn't matter one bit if you mind I'm going to ask you anyway does it bother you that I spend time with Cassie why should it break it was almost amicable she spent too much time with pay to go to my room Ok your thoughts and I Sometimes it felt like he was a boyfriend and I was a bit on the side just so much he spent time with when he wasn't available 2nd best to finish with but it's not feelings and I sound like you know really going over it when I realize that she was never really in the relationship in the 1st place so I have no problems with the spending time with Cassie as long as you don't start spending time with Pete. This week on famous love triangles we explore the sad complicated and often sensational tales of rules of triangles and the money to turn out that's not the no. One the only p.j. Food which we really and you can cook that well really do you know design and no way of spices will man woman but with a. Zillion resume Well a good deal you didn't have to kill your Know your closest friends in case well yeah right very good no need of. Stretching too much limits for a previously dangerous love oh. I'm. Sorry broke but this time you're going to have to who is here for me. And you really watch in a scene out not really. Into how long yeah. It's a night on the sale and those Please present our monthly star thing to study the deep south love they will then take most that they have of an 18th century look state. That was. Just the 2 of you if you look here they are resting in an open to revealing space ideal for those special little love troopers or even the remote if you will come putting all of it. Oh how about this she wants just one right and it's not been the same since Alan Titchmarsh. No Alan why if to say committed no offer goodness sakes a man's any idea that such thing is just a trick God would make him if it wasn't for my gloves let's say My create a lecture to such types I want to look twice in your direction so don't you be so quick to dismiss I don't believe it's true it's the idea that they make things grow with the bad hands over always make me a bit frisky Hobbit for me to deny you your friskiness but my stomach gave me such a stark look good evening welcome to the garden say designed for the farmer does not want to gloss up to come to the aid of a very exhausted mother so much is it that you can't believe this is drugs and closely have you know that. You know all that is that. For a female you've chrominance just means it's very good to be thinks so I don't remember is that ice being that because they were there no. They're obviously fake like the rest on their legs aged remarkably well thank you no fake but I can't believe it's loaded itself to do something like this might be a t.v. Show. Not mess around with a t.v. Show will of course not so he want to denigrate the south by parading on the gogglebox like a performing monkey. And you know it's a shame that the country's best talk to cultural it's just been reduced to redesigning a highrise window box window boxes are a big step up for him not that it matters because Freddy Farmer it in fact the 2nd best Walter culturist in the country and you know how I know yes we can because I'm the best photo culture list and I don't have the trophies to prove it and if winning the best garden award at the Chelsea Flower Show for the past 5 years doesn't prove it then the fact that Freddie was his position as being 2nd certainly does 2nd. Janet not 1st which makes him what Johnny the 2nd best 2nd best and that's what it's about it William the t. Has his own show do you haven't well. I'm not really sure Bill. Could it be something else I don't know what you mean I mean this isn't really about who came 1st or 2nd does it. Was mostly though with him when are you going to get over this childish stupidity of not trying if it is different for goodness sake William a wet towel with the man for a couple of months about 40 years ago hormones 27 days Janet 4 months 27 days I kissed him once there were 2 pieces involved as well you know and I suppose the fact that I left him married you has no bearing on this little self almost 27 down William I will say this once I will not speak of it again I married you because I loved you and anything you have to say to the contrary is just plain stupid so I apologize now and we can move on. To. Some good. Yes he does not correct me though doesn't he. Go. On too but there's a result of the. House a long history of the extravagance not the lady Oh sing East Enders That's right let's mother up to tonight she's got evening classes 3 nights a week now hardly see in these days. Now speaking of the mother. We had to chuck last night well done and interesting many points of interest many many points of interest Thanks Elaine. She really doesn't like the idea of me appearing on t.v. I know you've told her that turn over a new leaf shelters did you for the government do with them client I did however manage to get you to watch reality t.v. Without ranting not some progress when you find that tool for ages yet directly video helps possibly who knows yeah. So concept. Everything Ok with you yeah fine. P.j. Can. Yeah. Peach Ok was PJ's still to play but it's all gravy as they say gravy good. Could you be unhappy for a while now. And you would come to me if you were thinking of doing something well you know all your. Stupid. Stupid Well yes but the other day your mother expressed her concern that you might be getting good shit to fix it it must I don't know all that was my translation. She actually said that you were useless and indeed downright clumsy when it comes to me and you never know a good thing when you feel you feel for a minute as she was going cell phone. So. No I'm not getting fidgety. Although no I'm joking so you're not going to go off or make up some ludicrous excuse to get rid of p.j. No we're not one big happy family good cause p.j. Does have smoke all just say I'm joking. P.j. . Is there she will block him that black eyes are sort of wind blowing through them I cannot while. She's following him across the room not actually I don't know you hear well what So she was maybe get powerful but also hot hot and sexy hey let's do what we're talking about well I guess there's been as open as yeah well what are you talking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer Well more Willow actually that's stupid program where did you read how can you call it stupid this is the most fantastic show in Philly it's a kids program and I think one of their 5 movies go fuck off right all you know p.j. Much as I want Buffy herself bombs aren't really my thing when it's all live in my judgment Well Peter and this is brunette of Ulysses at the top. Well here I saw a big fight of his side with fighting about me mine were out there I saw the light just go my own you know not up so you have my word for it no no way to obvious ratchet I like my tits elation a bit more softly I know what I mean I'm going home now I cannot make the army I just stuck it out there in the broader rents for me goes east now as part of the. Summer I don't know I just got in the mood swings. P.j. . P.j. Wake up. Wake up p.j. . Saturday the sun is shining and all shopping centers are open what's fancy doing today the clues in the shop contents Israel from. Well. Welfare is doing so different today oh yeah just going to come a spread tix to say you know I was really a war so you think I'd like to come he would who would put their people come with me pay Peyton I football Q What he doesn't like football in fact he hates a place full well maybe didn't hate exactly but he definitely doesn't know a joey like football are going to fall over they seem so normal How did this happen well in a sound a ghetto does it not finish that sentence you know I could always love go with you you won 100 you're a woman I can't take a woman of the 40 with a voice that's made where that is well what's in a group of men kicking around a ball it's wrong and well it's just wrong to me to see you as the rule but only on the telly and that was on the tourist we're going to take you to natural gun what sort of man would be able to pump brutal Yeah so it's not really about the football as tall it's more about a group of men getting along with that woman doing many things and drinking big so it's all in the name of male bonding well. I go on and you set me up for some sort of moment for a while you know on track you say stuff that all the great within the series us out agreeing with you suddenly I'm a bad boyfriend and they'd be parents no not this time p.t.a. Ok then yes it's all of the night about so despite the fact that you spent all week male bonding with Pete it's still preferred to spend Saturday with him as well and not with me yes yeah I know. All. This. I. Know what I should say it's perfectly Ok that makes me a bad boyfriend you betcha So it's not that way no no chance. Like that's not just yours reminded me of candles they really. Mean just the 2 of us yeah posh restaurant. Well I very definitely have nothing to wear Spencer could well be dressed no no it's not good to have the boots out when you're eating I have to go buy something so many dresses so. I give one friend. Governor make me mad I want to ride gold for Australia him must be finished by now I'll still mill the city to Chelsea while Leeds United won't say on those it doesn't exist later on with a 5 1 1. Oh my 3 hour period I was paid to write is event and is easy and this is of available but I mean unavailable so more was given to my neck as well I just saw a strip for somebody to pay Od and get info it. That I guess you have. Johnny don't. Have fixed costs and lives there have how are you my beautiful very annoyed gal friend where are you wow oh my own words. And. Then I. Said. With a stripper No I asked you are still a stripper so what was your chips Well don't forget you promised to take me out tonight I made a reservation for a to plug for the kid yes you help me find an abundance of clothing and get back yeah we'll discuss this later well that might be. Right just better where a. Lot more. To walk in the boat let's decide to go to Blackpool. With the best disintegration Jessa a surprise party for us anyway. No enjoying life to some enjoying this I can count on one hand the amount of time to take me out to the me I don't know what is bullshit. Imma cost you a pretty penny. But think I can manage for courses seeing as your paying I never said I was paid too late I'm not really what. I'm saying. When. You're taking all this quite one. Number you can have your rant about now. That hey it's just one night not prison would it have he's allowed to have fun. And booked our dinner. I sometimes feel so old. Pretty. Excluded I mean I'm glad of it and also well but a misspeak he's run at yours every night talking to miss you honey might as well be living with you we hardly see him except at breakfast what what was well it's not a book but there's definitely somethin then. Still now. It's been an hour or so long now and she's still cooking in breakfast it's not even as if he's a guest anymore but oh no Pete needs his breakfast do you know how many times she's called Brett was permitted over the is book. Guess. Well what's Ok no food to eat is outside hundreds but it's mutha So about $107.00 and a half fall off she did the eggs and bacon but had to leave the pointless accuse all my point is I know I'll come over to Mom and cook for you know some k. S thank you anyway. All right to get another bottle of wine home yes I'm seeing a really expensive but don't do this time. She. Was amazing task but it was like some sort of customer service rug up not only did we get no and they got a 50 percent reduction overbuilt us nights 3 days wait to be sure. To do so they went through the frightful Oh yeah the most fault full big strapping blokes and they were bearing down on us I mean obvious terrified but p.j. Here is just cool as a cucumber that's been in the fridge for days well he's gone off and all sulky and no it was super cool Come on it's not. Easy. I know want to watch the Fortunately lights you don't know why put a well that's because I didn't understand what it was about now Page a show me the error of my why he's such a good teacher Well you're a fast learner but I don't think Page a for goodness sakes the telephone call that tied up in life hours and just the sound of some what we do tonight p.j. Well one guy Randy parents s are going to say Dad may want to have a female so that we can do a bit of website development why don't you stay in so we can do some more licensing days doing it like a proper evening class would be brilliant but you know the relationship stuff really took down. A bit of. I guess as you go in kind of sometimes you give is the distance suspense not to get that I know that makes sense see get out the big He's a couple of right good old she might get Cassie I know I'll get the asking about we can do the perp walk yeah I'm not really here I scream. Ok then how about a sack over the afternoon we get out of a real session cast our love to it but the thing is very 1st up let me go when the president was up oh well if you need help how could I object Don't be like. You to go off and have fun. Just. Cast your Ok I'm fine and you show it off but you better go Peter's call the Torah right now and I. As a New York sorry to cut you know I miss your problem if your brother and I need someone to talk someone who doesn't think the best thing since sliced bread come to the right light coming up right after 1 o'clock. Silent Cassy you 2 still together then you know what I say so when the like of me around you know now boys and girls let's give it 0 Sorry I'm just so so I mean everyone's acting like it's no big deal but I'm going to be oh it's just so oh yeah definitely drives handywork So can you know imports all the grass or something stronger on the lake than I want to hear this Simon Ok but don't get to do stuff till I'm back. Just to get rid of him. So tell me all about well you see it was fine in the beginning Him fact it was great to go on so well I mean my dad thinks he's brilliant too I do as well don't for a minute think I don't but it's all the nights out on the drinking the having loads of fun just with many things what so good all right they go right you know I should Thanks Sharon number it's just that. They did bring the bottle in the car. Fredo think how have reacted. No thought was the logs so to stand up with nice only natural to want to spend time with your boyfriend this next year would be if Paige I was more more true to you know really ageless me yeah. Yeah I mean sometimes I feel like I'm not the one in a relationship or toy. Molt. Look thing going to 6 his for those of us funny. Yeah this is for he's funny to. Me I have to do the funny side walk funny side if you are complaining that p.j. Spread if ahci works time would pay and that you'd never spend any time low together yes oh yes we were just a no concert was enough for me when I was saying it to you what you made cause why do we split up because you felt that p. And I suspect that. She really needs this respect for a. Paid side of the biz there resistible in your sheets alone a big no no. Drink your coffee Cassie No Dad I don't want coffee I. Can see it clearly for the 1st time to walk clearly. I can see it I'm not meant to be in Malaysian ships. Conduce them and do don't be so silly. Maybe you just keep using the wrong guy is payday the wrong guy I thought you liked him I do don't get me wrong I think PJ's a great blow but but he's not the right bloke for you Cassy. Like no I thought he was the wall I'm no book can be he's just a one and then there's another thing of course he keeps ignoring May No he's not ignoring you even then they know you're there they're just getting to know each other so all he did took them away from me Pete you mean Pete took p.j. Away from you yeah. Who. Hired home. Oh I get. To see. What are you having the most difficulty with. The fact that p.j. Is spending time with Pete or the fact that peach not spending time with you snub out p.j. . Misspeak I know you. Hate . Them glad you finally what got out there is only taking you 2 decades and then. Cassie. Cassie. That was a whole other story. Cassie was paid by Debra Stephenson and. Was Brendon Burns. Doing Freddy Farmer Stephen Critchlow Janet will collapse and Bill my great the producer. Next week things come to a head when p.j. Dumps Cassie this begs the question as to whether Pete and Cassie will finally get together it's a whole nother story. B.b.c. Radio 4 where I live. In an increasingly rude well where people drop litter play music too loudly or shout into their phones don't you wish you could just stop for a 2nd and tell them to remember their manners don't it'll get you into a whole world of trouble just ask Michael Legge legendary where we've heard some stories circuit comedian podcast and occasionally very angry Lewisham resident Michael Legge now gets his chance to vent on b.b.c. Radio 4 extra. So you see the show opens like this when I walk out onto the stage and they play the signature chip. And I show Welcome to the last days of Michael leg over the top in the audience goes wild thank the that the show stars say how low What's Michael leg on the radio for. Michael like at the b.b.c. I mean finally some bloody women say. That's what's missing from radio comedy I think we're going to all agree with that whatever happened when say Ok called these days on Radio 4 it's just last voice guy buying and on about brags that. Sarah Millican whining on about Syria. Bush gets. Well finally on bring in whimsy back maybe Michael leg the driver of the whimsy bus . I don't know where we're going to crash tonight late gentlemen put crushed we will and it will be somewhere north there let me introduce myself Hi I'm Michael I'm a man. You're not popular as we used to be you know. What can I tell you but myself and the going north and Irish live in Lewisham I'm a left wing man you probably didn't know what was a left wing man because I'm not currently arguing with someone I completely agree with. Bloody argue with everyone in this room if I have to. Hear something genuinely I still think this is the biggest disgrace of our country still to this day it's not brags that it probably should be but still with me it's trite and yet I know you got over it I have not got over it yet. That money spent on nuclear that should have gone on the n.h.s. What do you think. That's. Way more left wing than you people I won't argue with each and every one of you are great a ball pricks. I want to can I tell ya but I'm a real 51 year old man what does not mean and thanks so much Claire had her late from bar show for writing in with that question. Could say we've got a fan base so early in the run. That it is a good question what is a real 51 year old what that means days I'm constantly exhausted I'm permanently and I get an a and I have every single disease known to man. Let's go through all the right now ladies. That was too long. That was. I have asthma arthritis psoriasis. Diptheria. Croup. Whooping cough. Sickle cell anemia I don't know how my body got that think my body's a racist. I have small pox large pox. Take. Me to Zillah syndrome. I have a heart attack I have a heart attack I. Dick flew. A bomb full of strokes of the. Known term man. But that's when a real 51 year old man is like I mean there are fake 51 year olds aren't like God we hate them don't wait that the worst people in the world fake 50 what you know those people running marathons. Or do you really running from the get back here and die where the rest of us. Go They give me the creeps real 51 year old you know the meaning they say weird things to their kids like I love you we can't relax and that. Madness. He said Ted how come every single thing that you offer a fake 51 year old wife you offer them something they always say no to it don't know what you like appear Oh no I don't touch alcohol and me more fun would you like some heroin now you know what I do not touch hard drugs anymore would you like a class one 0 no I don't have anything anymore why didn't I know them back then was great in the past. Dollars hell i would you like some cake I don't know is there gluten and I offered a lot of. Yes I put loads of gluten in it oh well no I can't because here's the thing right I'm a low to to gluten therefore I don't eat gluten that is madness. I'm allergic to gluten but I will be damned if I will be dictated to by something that's in 52 percent of all foods. 52 percent say. Yes well. When you. Cut argument is always on. Here's what I do every single day I do this every time I wake up have lunch. Though that's my lifestyle choice you're laughing at the very un-P.C. Really you're. Right go downstairs to the kitchen open up the old bread bin get 2 slices of gluten free whole grain bread. And I get some gluten free be good and spread out. Whatever that is you. Saw didn't grab a. Basically just a spreadable ghost and. Then you get some lovely Lettice some chopped tomatoes delicious some sliced off a Cardo good idea and then I grill 3 slices of. Polenta right now to put that in the same as then to get some gluten free whole grain mustard and spread that on the other slice and I close the sandwich and then I cut the sandwich in half and then I inject my right arm with a half pint of gluten. And then I throw in the sandwich in the bin for being a dead cat. Because to learn. What he think my way then have a go for though for study decay don't radio for this way to know who's going to sit through that when you just say hello. It's a fair point to. Seek better Hello Michael welcome to Neil's the nicest cafe in Lewisham which gives you a good idea of what it's like now working Well I'm very good we all know. Right well I'll have a full vegan breakfast thanks we don't do we can breakfasts. And that case just. Linda McCartney sausages is Quorn beings and some Holland and Barrett chips place. And do you a lick of pig. I'll just have a tea place and I don't find I'll have it black also all r.t.s. Bacon and. I want to be got to get nothing. Well I'll have that then. That's 8 pounds. 8 quid for nothing yeah we have to get in specially for you look. No no no I'll give you a tenner a change isn't he going to. Make So it's all about anyway Well it's an ethical choice really I just don't want animals to ever summer no no your radio show was that all about there was no radio for pop in the arches. They do things to pigs. Well like I said it's a show document in the end of my life yeah it's called The Last Days of Michael like you doing well and so and yeah and you know generally all 51 year olds are dying what's wrong with you. I'm a 51 year old man I have arthritis psoriasis yellow fever scarlet fever Saturday night cancer. I get you on the phone from the strokes he said So you are also important and tragic but really it's just what you get up to during the day. So it's this year when I was listen to you hanging around the cafe in Lewisham Well it's not like it's just going to be this I mean no one's going to put this on the radio as if this was actually on the radio this is you know if you wrote the next the I'm going to say and put it on the radio be ridiculous. That normal so serious I was told it was this drivel that told there's no way that would ever go on the radio would be on the radio I would never base it on you regularly on the radio going to be on the right. But even that is way more interesting the most things that we say to each other I mean like let's face it most the time we just sit here in silence imagine that on the radio. She probably say something because if there's dead air on Radio 4 the emergency broadcast kicks in which is hilarious. Doesn't you're taking this seriously you know every wrong I am it's going to be a show about me and how I spend my days going around righting wrongs writing wrong yes writing wrong or right about that are can't we're not because I was wrong. Yes Wrong wrong to by young people hundreds of young people think it's fun loving sick young people. Probably didn't have a single disease between them. Except you know the fun ones with just babbling Look I really do want to write this properly I even went away to write it properly that's what great writers do they go away to find their special place their retreat the place that is just for them and their muse like some real back it he had Paris d.h. Lawrence he had the shade of a new tree touring a perfect english summer and e.l. James has the bins I sighed Spearmint Rhino was. Here now. How dare a virgin guess. I wonder when yes I did because like Ernest Hemingway himself I too went on an 18 to 30 holiday to court because I didn't mean it was an accident it was late at night I was very very drunk it was 99 quid. Thing is I had no idea what core food was I thought core food was quiet you know I thought old people went there thought that's perfect for me I can write Meridia for show it will be tranquil I can create maybe one of the old people will die I'll get 10 minutes out of that say it was my dad when an award The Could there be good plan. But that is not what color for you is like at all if you don't know core food Corfu is like a medium sized rock just off the coast of Greece that is absolutely covered in young people banging the it is a constantly moving mound of shock. I should have known it wasn't in the right places since I got on the coach and saw everyone go quiet and just stare at me as if to say why it's Dirty Uncle fingers on our holiday. The fuck Look I really do want to connect with the youth market when I do this Radio 4 show so if any young people heard what I just said they'd be all like Haim chillax Danny Yeah no. The. Score is any of you are concerned with the they think I was being all snobby about caste but here's the think it's very hard to not be snobby about cow boss. At the Freetown that you go into has a sign as you enter it right it normally says something like welcome to. Smell our award winning says I wish I was making this up but on the way in to cover the sign says Welcome to converse as seen on b.b.c. 3 of do you get it you got the you understand that there is a place in Greece that has the same tattoo a state c Do you really quick. And the hotel was a boat a minute walk away from where the bus dropped me off it took me about 20 minutes to get there because I had to wield my we bag all the rye and all the young shagging people. Put it this way what those young people were doing well I'll leave that up to your imagination my god those young people are all on fire with the k. I won't leave it up to your imagination of those people were having sex with the books of the hotel and it wasn't really a hotel it was more of an abandoned leper colony that still in the process of being abandoned. And I can once again just hear the young hip Radio 4 listeners going time. Are you high and then. The guy but I'm not being uptight and snobby about the hotel I wasn't the only person who hated that towel when I got back to Lewisham after my writing holiday I thought a look at that hotel on the Internet and this was the best review of that hotel I could find and this is a genuine review you know when you go on Trip Advisor and it gives you a chance to write a review but it also lets you put the title of the review into right and you normally put in something like had a lovely time or didn't have a lovely tart whatever it is well here is the genuine title of my hotel's review. Someone else's poop in the toilet. I won't read out the whole review. Just the highlights the window was hanging off the whoa the lights were hanging off and there was something like bodily fluids smeared across the walls. Of your view young Radio 4 listeners discuss debate. She goes on the reviewer was constantly told by the rap that she was complaining over nothing because the hotel was amazing and then she wrote only when we went to the toilet and there was someone else's poof floating around yet not in floating around. To be real life then maybe it was a bit making. I'm a big An anything about animal rights among us are instantly drawn to it lovely veganism in this review just lovely there was loads of wasps but that's not their fault. It's the fault. I blame the Thompson booking system. Did not date of birth why did I not only go back. Here's the last line. Also the previous occupants knickers were on the roof. The Here's the thing really interesting thing about this review this is the bit that really caught my eye very interesting I think it's the most interesting thing about the review. 2 stars. What else did I have to do to get that and new SUV one star review that they clearly craved Oh yes there was a dead body in the room but he was quite thin and easy to step over to stop us. Was it Ryan Gosling's who were in the room to start to start to get to start you know without review means for us comedians right it means if we do a show on Radio 4 and we get a 2 star review doesn't mean we're shit it means we're someone else's shit. And been called up before the were you telling me this is a horrible story I just want to tell you what it's like being a writer this is the stuff change not just book club or teach got to tell you we're going to tell you what it's like being a listener Don't ever tell the story out loud it's revoked. That you think it's interesting you doing a Radio 4 show about a grotty hotel room and couples have no say I realized that I couldn't stay in that hotel room for any longer than never. So I went out into the town of cowhorse which was another mistake if you've never been to converse let me walk you through cover us cowhorse is a street one long street full of. Lads bars for the lads all the lads the bars and call things like tits land or Top Gear with a hole in it. Lads But I mean they're not fun when women are there but they're not invited into the bars no they're coaxed in coaxed in with signs that say things like ladies come in for free cocktails ladies. Drinks for free here and men pay about $20.00 quid a pint well done cowhorse such a feminist place. You under any version cocktails look at them and hear it's full of Virgin cocktails. Maybe not anecdotes. Yawns at a push the most popular cocktail and cow boss as a drink called I can't say the name of this on Radio 4 it literally tear the fabric of this great nation apart. So instead of the offending word I'm not going to say it I'm going to substitute it with the most English word again think of a name the conjures up tea and pubs and cricket on the village green and away this is cocktail called Tropical can't. What is a tropical can't well that is a very good question. This is a real drink by the way. It's a good question what it is it's a melon. It's a melon cut in half an hollowed out. They poor in. Can of lilt. Is depressing isn't it a can of belt 9 shots and a secret because cannabis is definitely the sort of place where you don't really need to know exactly what's in your drink. Tropical can't what is wrong with young people weekend of tropical cancer a dead weight we were not cocktails of course we're cocktails she cocktails cheeky sexy caulked of not vulgar ones like today we'd have cocktails all does that make when we human made we would have cocktails all day long cheeky sexy cocktails here comes cheeky and sexy they'd say what's the name. He was cheeky and sexy. I was completely left there but wrote. Cheeky sexy not vulgar cocktails just cheeky sexy What would we drink back in a day make memories we drink. Holding hands on the bridge was one of our favorite tricks. Or maybe your favorite cocktail was your mum is just as lovely as you are. And then the 2 of us would get absolutely wrecked on let's go to Mass. So you just went to couples who got drug of course I got drunk I'm a professional writer who goes to work drunk who works better when they're hammered writers. And comedians that's right I'm holding down 2 jobs and they're both killing me because you know j.k. Rowling gets up at 7 every morning sits down to her drinks cabinet and just tears right into it till she can see Wizards. So denotative and this was a brilliant move probably the best move I made in Kabul I went to a discotheque. Groan if you will but hear me out you know what happened to me when I got to the discotheque ha ha I got asked for id really I've not been asked for id since Thatcher because she was a nosy woman. Honestly it was amazing I've never been happier depends I said kind of see some day you could see all of the. Oh no look at my id look at every page of my id no let's move to New York got really carried away. Then he said this is an 18 to 30 night club you look 60 with. Wasn't allowed in the disco I wasn't allowed in the disco but that's that's pretty hurtful you know to all for the disco too young to d.j. They're. Getting busted for overage drinking was the last straw. All these bloody young people can enjoy themselves but I can't I'm not allowed in just because I don't know anything about love violent or Louis cupola your Instagram stories or mobs. Well I didn't fight in 2 World Cups for that. Says he is this thing what's on the line into the disco and that was brilliant because I finally find my place in Kavos I wasn't allowed in the disco I had to stay in the bar area just outside the disco all the. Young nerdy people going into the disco but all the cool young people were hanging out in the bar with me they were too cool for the disco and there was a place for me and cowhorse and it was there in that bar with those young cool people 18 years old 19 years old 20 years old and it turns out that I can hang out with these young people and I could have a great time just by being myself just by being me and ruining everyone else's life . Just by standing up I didn't go there and screaming I didn't drink too much I didn't let Shafter women know I just stood there and that was enough to make young people sick with the. All the lads running around drinking cocktails and there I was standing completely alone and purposely drinking halves of larger through a straw. Was greatest holiday I've ever been on because I made everyone sad just by being more than twice their age and 5 times more alone. Tell you I wish I'd known my radio for audience then I'd have sent you all postcards come to count I think a new heights every time it's. There were guys running around looking at where legends were taken were legit were legit I know no boys. The legend of us there are young people who were on the same holidays me and right now they're probably still confused about whether or not they were the only ones who could see that horrible grey figure in the corner. And see that gray figure and that gray figure who has Navy and it was the best holiday I've ever been on wherever I went I ruined everything. I walked into a bar a saw people. Done saying they stopped. Saw people laughing they saw maybe they stopped. Like now. I saw people making out really snogging really go in for Go Big I reckon they'd say maybe and they'd just stop I even saw a woman push a guy way from actually pushing me I was serious he got off me Mark seriously that man over there is really putting me off my tropical can't. It was the best holiday ever. But I wake a week in cowhorse to write a Radio 4 show. I've got nothing. To do that then. Just do that and. You know what you play in this oh it's a feature new shows every Well that's it. I tell you I've got nothing. That's the thing to curb your enthusiasm. Maybe it's the music that gets played at the end of programs not all of them all the ones I watched was that you have to pay for. The b.b.c. Pay for it all no no you pay for it because you pay your license. Was you do you pay your license for you the last days of Michael was produced by Steve was a production for b.b.c. . Excuse. After the weekend we can lend an ear to the 72nd series of that multi award winning And it out to panel games which started its run theater 7 in shows Bree or maybe you prefer Shrewsbury where Timberlake Taylor and Stephen Fry will be pitched against Pippa Evans and Myles job with Jack Dee as the program's reluctant chairman regular listeners and we hope all that listeners are regular will know to expect inspired nonsense pointless revelry and Colin sell at the piano that so I'm sorry I haven't a clue and that's all for me David Miles's time to hang up my headphones for a while and head for the hills Thanks for listening if you have be and please give a warm hand for Joanna Pinnock who is here now to guide you through the rest of the day happy hillwalking thank you very much indeed David hello yes it's me Joanna Pinette good to be with you again welcome along to all the fun of Saturday the 16th of November here on b.b.c. Radio 4 extra where we're ready and waiting to fulfill all your comedy drama and entertainment needs. Well most of them anyway. Way way way. Radio for an extra. 6 o'clock drama this morning is a witty tale described as an overlooked 20th century American literary classic hold on tight fascinators focus on dress at the wedding and the truth behind the most notorious broadcast in the history of radio which caused pandemonium across 1930 s. America or did it also in wells and the wall of the world Smith or legend today's archive on 4. First then it's time to meet Saundra a clever popular and attractive grad student and one of 2 identical twin sisters but when she discovers that twin Judith is about to get married she speedily heads home to the family ranch with just one thing on her mind sabotage this is Dorothy because Cassandra at the wedding I'm very Mercer I'm in Atalissa here in the Bay Area I've been seeing Cassandra for around 6 months and was making some good progress I thought when late one morning without an appointment she turned up at my practice it wasn't the only time Cassie had turned up unexpectedly either at my practice or my home but this time she lay on the couch and didn't speak I think she'd forgotten I was in the room because Hanjour. Oh. Sure so they're expect me home tomorrow for the wedding tomorrow. But everything's gone better than expected and all the papers corrected and graded by last night I feel so restless. So only a 5 hour drive to the ranch if you move along if you don't stop or aren't use every 50 miles the way we used to or at bars after we learned to pass for $21.00 but you sometimes chose not to push it along you and you did we had to work up slowly to home life to the 3 part welcome from our grandmother and our Father and Our mother of course when she was still alive Jane died too young I'm not sure she thought so . But anyway having died she will not be present you did sweating unlike me the brights only attendant. So you're thinking about arriving a day early Cassandra. I walked around the apartment this morning and looked 2 or 3 times into the refrigerator so cold so white so bare and I looked out of the big west window at the back of the prison islands in it and the unbelievable bridge that belief will bridge that I've now come to believe in from looking at it and standing on it's so often through all of last winter since you've lived in the apartment. Since Judith moved to New York I wrote application to do the art for her did I tell you that already do you regret doing that now of course not you were telling me about the bridge I find it attractive when you're standing there in the sun is on it it's attractive like an exit sign and a lecture hall say it's crowded and airless. Something can be attractive but still be. Aren't you going to get that who says it's for me it's always for you it's always list Janko these past 2 months oh I don't rain Janko Junko. Unlist it from tomorrow I'll be different from other people just us nobody else ever. Nobody else ever. Leastways that's how because Sandra remembered it.