Woman you dont see black women get a lot of grace. I think because of. The way the world sees black women, we have had to, you know, a lot of times have this exterior to us that reflects that. Woman i constantly have pushed back on this cultural lore that says, god will not give you something that you cannot survive. God gives us stuff all the time, and that you may not fully survive it or you may be damaged by what happens. And so, people feel that, oh, well, there must be something wrong with me, and i should just accept this. Art allows you to bring those sort of feelings up and start to look at them in a more rational way, in a more cognitive way, if you will, especially when you cannot name something. And i meanwhen i say name it, mean verbally talk about it. So, art becomes that avenue of conversation. Woman so, feel free to sit wherever. Weve come here today to create community with each other and really just bear witness as we come together as black women and create together. So, anything that comes from our innate intuition, whether it could be judged as scary or like gross or large or loud or exciting or whatever judgment we might make about it always comes from a place of how can it heal and support and be a part of our authentic self. Woman i didnt think i struggled with Mental Health. If you had asked me, like, in my 20s, you know, college years, postcollege, i would have thought i was fine, but i was like sarcastic and, like, biting like everyone else i knew. Woman Mental Health wasnt. It wasnt something i really paid attention to or, like, believed in. I was just like. People just need to work harder. You know what i mean . And i was that workhorse that was just always working, working, working, working always in this, not in doing this, and it wasnt until, um, i graduated from undergrad and, like, i had time to sit with my thoughts for the first time in, like, ever. You know what i mean . And i had time to, um. Realize the things that were going on in my head that i was just blocking out for so long or choosing to ignore, and it was just all coming to, like, a head. Woman i always had this sense that, like, when i walked into a room, i was very aware of being seen, um. Which is sometimes its hard to say, without kind of feeling like. Wait. Oh, everyones looking at me, but theres this sense of, like. I need to be ready to be perceived and, like, the version of myself that i want to be seen has to be very intentionally put forward because. If im not, like, thinking about it and if im not aware, then, you know, theres. If im going to be seen, i want the version of me that is the most true and most powerful to come through. Uh, so, yeah. Angelique im gonna have you take your paint pen in your nondominant hand and use your nondominant hand to just make some big, like, right brain shapes onto your canvas. [pen rattling] marjan even in just like using my nondominant hand to create something just now, and then, i dont know, not feeling happy with it, but just going with the flow and allowing, i guess, the. Design or whatever i am feeling to just come, like, come to the page, i guess, is something thats interesting, just allowing myself to let go and do whatever feels right and natural. Angelique its ok to not like whats in front of you. It doesnt equate to, like, your value or your contribution or this process. Brenda and thats not normal, because when youve had a little bit of success in some things, the expectation is, youre always gonna be successful. So, people are looking at you from a critical eye. What is she gonna do next . Angelique yep. Brenda and its hard to live up to that, but here its different angelique mmhmm. Brenda and is. Hopefully, we can take this out of this room. Kimberly its kind of like if youre playing a board game with a friend, and you realize about like 15 minutes in its like, oh, im not very good at this. [laughter] jenile i always want to be good at things without practicing. So, when youwhen you start out doing something, its, like, oh, im not good at this . Like its confusing. Ha ha woman like i said, im a fiend of control. I really just kind of have used the last year to get comfortable in letting go. Marjan yeah. Ive always had a very. Difficult relationship with my body and my weight, and it has always been a source of, like, a lot of anxiety for me. And i think it also defined the way i would show up in spaces or the way i would act. She. Was birthed out of, um, me coming to terms with, um. Being the heaviest i had ever been. I felt like if im quiet, nobody will realize how big i am or nobody will recognize what i look like. Its a very sad feeling, you know, not being able to look at your reflection or actively avoiding it. Kimberly ii was aware very early that. That, like, i was mixed race and that that did feel different. My mom is a white woman. My dad is jamaican. I did not fully understand my identity. Hee hee um. I did not. I was very cringy. Ohh so i said, like, oh, im the whitest black person youll ever meet. Ha ha. Which isis hard to know that that is a part of my history, and its a way that i once thought of myself, um. But i also try and give a lot of grace to that kid who was, like, mostly just lonely and just, like, wanted. Toto know. Where i stand, um. And thats still something i struggle with. Jenile vulnerability felt like weakness to me. Like, i was so worried about what other people thought and how they perceived me, because i didnt want to be perceived in any way, shape, or form as weak. I didnt want to be perceived in any way, shape, or form as being uncertain. I knew the perception of, like, you have to be better. You have to do better. You have to perform better. You have to, like, prove your worth. Brenda it goes back to that sort of cultural message that black women receive and women in general, but black women in particular, that, um. You cant be in pain unless youre angry. You have to do everything right. You cant be vulnerable. People are telling you that you cant have any pain. You dont deserve to have pain or it cant be manifested for you in any kind of way. Then that shortchanges your ability to heal, because you cant heal if you cant acknowledge the pain. Brenda where we are also dying. We have diabetes. We have hypertension, um. High rates of mental illness. There are so many negative physical outcomes of harboring the anger, that its killing us. Kimberly i, from an early age, really struggled. To. Get out of sadness, um. Or fear or worry. In high school, i. Struggled with, um, selfharm a. Bit. Ha um. Yeah, i think my mom didnt really know how to handle it. Shethats. Her understanding of emotions and accessing emotions are, i think, more through this positive orientation. Like, you are feeling something and lets deal with that. And so the the feeling of absence and what would drive someone to hurt themselves did not register for her, really. Woman being able to like translate whats in your brain and what feels a certain way onto, like, something real, its, like, you want that to represent you. Jenile art, i think, for me, has been so tied to, like. Giving your brain that break from, like, the judgment, the criticism, the even thinking of yourself as a fixed idea. [machine whirring softly] just lift this up a little bit. You see how mommy is im like moving the clay up and making it taller. Its not center, though. You see how its kind of flopping . Boy uhhuh. Look, mommy, these are special. Look. Jenile this is not centered. Boy big ones can even jenile yeah, that, too. Boy i just do [indistinct] just like imlook. Rrraaaaahhh jenile yeah, thats the one. Thats the way you do it. Ok, you ready to center it . So, when chiges dad and i were breaking up, um, i just needed an escape. I needed to get out of this house, and i found a 24hour pottery studio, and i would find myself there after our son went to bed at night. Id be there from like 9 00, 10 00 at night till 1 00, 2 00 in the morning. And i just found so much, like, relief. I realize i was respecting his life. I had such respect for, like, like i said, this new life that i was, like, well, im a life. You know what i mean . Like, my life is stilland its even maits making me emotional right now, because i think of how much i was, like, not revering my own self. Kimberly and when youre playing with color, that when youre having those, like, embodied feelings of, like. Look at the way that this light is playing on on the page, its much harder to be. Ingenuine, i think. Marjan you know, we say, fake it till you make it. Like, that doesnt really work. With Something Like healing, you have to go through all of the feelings. You have to feel it all. Um. And i think once youve done that and once time has passed and youre able to come out on the other side is only when, you know, you canyou can truly heal, at least for me. Been gone a while now my bodys here but pieces of my mind still nowhere near why are you hiding all that you knew . Are fears unlearned back through best parts of you . [women speaking indistinctly] brenda i guess you need circles of people who canwill listen and not judge so that we can heal. Marjan i wrote, um, functioning hot mess, pseudo stained glass, but colorful, thriving, existing, incomplete but perfect, process versus product. The words i cannot find, but the feeling and the emotion are on the page. Jenile its natural, organic. It feels incomplete and haphazard. It feels textured and, like, stones and shapes that have no meaning. It feels loose and rough around its edges. It feels like its trying to hide something. Um. My image definitely feels like me. I guess ill hold it up. Brenda i only finished half of the painting, perhaps, because im still under construction at my age. Ha i started at the bottom. Building blocks, shades and shapes, represent the different elements. Uh, that make up who i am. Kimberly ii dont want to speak for you, but, like, the representation of you that im seeing here i think is beautiful. You didntcomplete or incomplete, you know, i like it a lot. Brenda thanks. Marjan allowing myself to be vulnerable and allowing myself to not care that other people arent comfortable with my vulnerability, i think has been something challenging. Brenda i love what she said, too, about making other people comfortable. Thats been my life story, and thats part of why i hide, because if i tell everything, sometimes it may seem like im bragging. Sometimes people may not get it. And so, i always push myself in the background and make sure everybody was comfortable. Woman the stationary sea glass is in front of me. The pieces start to move. They start to fly so fast that they leave trails of color behind them. Yellow, blue, and green were more like green and deconstructed green. The beautiful meshes of color swirling and mixing give me joy and chips. Omg, i had chips at the break. [laughter] that has to do with my intent, but thats later. Um, the movement isnt perturbing. Its gentle and gliding, like. A boat. Kimberly looking at this makes me want to cry. I see so much effort in this, so much desire to articulate and a sense of failure at each stage to represent or to represent the one who notices. The one who notices is always trying to articulate to present its or my authenticity. It never comes out complete, but i paint over. She paints over and tries again, not erasing, i hope. Jenile as we were working, we were telling ourselves, be ok. You know what i mean . Like, its ok. Like, youre not producing the mona lisa right now. Like, that is not the goal. Likeand so just having a space where you are telling yourself that, its like working that muscle so that you can, you know, apply that in other experiences, so. Brenda i see beauty in everything that im looking at. And even in your notes, when you said, i was a hot mess, it doesnt lookha ha thats beautiful stained glass art. I mean, people pay good money for that. I think its interesting how we see each other, ourselves. And what youre saying, you know, im learning to be kinder to myself. And ium, when she said that, ithats when i saw this orange color. I saw this beautiful sunset, and it outlined the mountains in it. I just felt peace. So, while im watching myself, i just felt peace. So, thats encouraging to me. It shows me that im changing even at the age that im at. You know, itsits im its possible to heal continuously no matter how old you are. And i wish i had gotten that healing in my 20s, um, but at 58, its still fine, so. Healing is putting the pieces together. Jenile healing is staying in integrity with your own wellbeing. Woman healing is beautiful. Marjan healing is necessary. Kimberly healing is something i have not quite figured out yet. Can i do healing is. Again . Woman yeah. Kimberly cool. Thanks. [ticking] [beeping] [ringing] [sizzling] [beeping] [chomp] [beep] [sniffs] [sniff sniff] im off to work. Dog youre late broccoli only by about 6 minutes. Now, hurry. We were just about to run through tonights menu again. How was your morning . Gola i saw an open fire today. Broccoli oh, thats cool. Gola and the first chestnut vendor was out today, too. It all smelled incredible. Broccoli oh, yeah, its thursday. So, thomas will be around. [order slip machine whirring] [dishes rattling] [liquid pouring] [chopping] [sizzling] broccoli whoops sorry. Sorry. Let me fix that. Youre moving fast today. Be careful, man. [sizzling] [someone shouts hot sauce ] [rattling] [sniffing] [thud] [clang] dog what happened . And howd the flames get so damn big . Broccoli the hot station got out of control. The burners were on too high, and so the flames just kept getting bigger. But he was just standing there, and it looked like he was reaching for it . Dog what . Broccoli it was close, but he didnt get burnt. I. Checked. Dog uh, good. Well, ahem. Get back to work. Gola, get some water and take five. [staff gasps] [dog sighs] so, you did get burnt. Gola no, no. This is my other hand. I think this happened earlier today. At home . Dog never mind that. You need to go home. Gola uh, but i need to man the hot station. Dog what . No. Gola but i can still work. Dog no, gola. Gola but it doesnt hurt. Dog no gola ok. Dog but dontdont worry. Well [sighs] well take care of everything from here. Well see you again when youre all better, ok . And take care of those hands of yours. You need them, too. All right, everyone, back to work. Worker ok, can somebody restart on table 7 . [sizzling] [sniffs] [crunching] [knock on door] [no audio] [man singing in native american language] woman people will say home is where the heart is. My heart . My heart left me many moons ago, singing to the world from the bottom of a glass. And thats all im trying to get back to. Im not trying to get back home. Im trying to get back to me. [clarence murrays poor boy intro playing] a poor boy aint got no money he aint got no dough but give that poor boy a pretty girl and watch that poor [door beeping] man is everything ok at home . No . Woman sure. What do you mean by ok . Man well, just like we had in the last session. Are these, like, rattlesnakes in there or just a tranny . Woman and he was, like, dancing. Oh, i can dance. Man yeah . Oh, i like that. Yeah, out in the street. Excuse me. Excuse me for a second. Uh, hi. Hi. Im randy. Are you, uh, you gonna be joining the group tonight . Woman hey, is this the place . Randy which is. Woman i dont know. Wellness class, wellness people, whatever its called. Randy wellness people. Yeah, thats us. Woman look, uh, the court gave me this paper, and i just need to find the guy who runs the whole kumbaya. So. Randy ok, yeah, after. Woman ook, perfect. Um, you know, my po is probably some moron, so if i could just get you to sign this every week, ill be in and out of your hair. So quick, you wont even see me. Randy yeah, cool. Woman that sound like a good plan . Randy a great plan. Woman cool. Cool. Randy after, ok . After. Hey, youre, uh, birdie blackbomber, right . Birdie blackwater. Randy blackwater, yeah, the singer. Big fan woman lookit thats oh youre the honkytonkin Country Singer aah ha ha look look, look, look its birdie blackwater aah ha ha ha look whati just learned randy excuse me for one second. Woman [indistinct] ha ha ha ha randy anise. Anise ha ha no. Why . Randy pepperidge. Woman farms. Randy confinement. Woman carnival. 1947. 48. 52. 54. Orchestra. [singer singing indistinctly] randy ok, everybody grab a seat. Were about to start. If youd like a signature, gotta join the group. Ok, glad to see everybody. Please . Join us. Man talking to her is complicated, to say the least. She says she wants to work it out, butand everything. Iim just not understanding why she wont let me come home now. Randy what makes it so complicated, charles . Charles i dont know, just because it seems so. Onesided, just because maybe it hurts too much to show love for me. Maybe im the one that woman oh, cry us a [deleted] river, Charles Charles im not looking for. I dont want your sympathy, helen. Helen really . Is that why you make this a pity party every damn week . Charles just trying to express my feelings, helen. Helen ha feelings you aint got no [deleted] feelings charles maybe you should just listen for once. Helen maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe your problem is is that shes probably still getting her [speaking navajo] on with some [speaking navajo] night after night, while youre here [deleted] and moaning to us. Anise can i go now . Uh, i probably should because, well, because it concerns me. Charles, crying i dont know what she means. [sniffling] you know i dont know what youre saying. She knows i dont speak navajo. Helen oh, you know exactly what i said. Her petite little body. She probably with that young buck right nowbigger, stronger. Maybe hes black. Man no. Hes definitely not black. [charles sniffling] the spirits say. [spirits whispering] hes a white. [helen laughing] [man speaking navajo] [charles crying] helen youve been living here for, like, 3 weeks. Go home and grow a [deleted] pair. [charles whimpering] anise well, thats rough. Randy so, miss blackwater, is there anything youd like to share about charles dilemma . Birdie pardon me . Randy well, in sessions like this, we like to help each other maybe find something compatible, maybe, you know, something beneficial. Birdie thanks, but ill pass. [charles continues whimpering] i mean im no expert, but shouldnt someone be hugging him or some [deleted] . Randy would you like to hug charles . Birdie no. No, i dont want to hug him, no offense, but maybe one of you . Randy does physical affection make you uncomfortable . Birdie no, but. Is this what you do all day, just letting everyone treat each other, likenot telling them how to cope . Randy oh, people cope in many different ways. Were just kind of seeing how you cope. Birdie i cope just fine. Randy like cherry wine. Were not sure about that. Birdie all right, this isnt about me. I mean, you dont even have tissue paper here. Randy then whats it all about . Birdie you [deleted] tell me, ok . Youre the one whos supposed to have all the answers. Youre the one whos holding this [deleted] stupid circle for all of us to sit here and get angry and upset and letting everyone treat each other like [deleted]. This guys crying in a [deleted] corner. Shes saying whatever the [deleted] she wants to say. She needs a [deleted] hug. Bigeverybody needs a [deleted] hug in here, but you want me to tell you . You want me to [deleted] tell you what its all about, randy . What the [deleted] . I thought it was about wellness, thought it was a [deleted] wellnes