Sullivan theater colbert stephen hey cheers and applause hey, everybody please sit down welcome to the late show, im stephen colbert. Anybody did you catch that World Series Game . cheering i have been told its amazing. I didnt watch it because i was focusing on something else. See, its almost halloween and this year is going to be super spooky for donald trump because special prosecutor and offduty lurch, robert muller, Just Announced the first indictments in the russia investigation. And whos our first lucky winner . Its former Trump Campaign manager paul manafort, seen here looking innocent before proven guilty. I know its almost halloween, but it really feels more like christmas. Paul manafort, paul manafort, youre just the first of many five years in jail shall i sing to the feds . Trumpapumpum. laughter cheers and applause just think how much better those jokes were if it was actually christmas right now. laughter the charges were actually filed on friday, but they gave manafort until today to turn himself in. Wow, we white people really do get arrested differently. laughter they might as well have sent him a formal invitation. Robert mueller requests the pleasure of your company in federal court. Please check one chicken, fish, squeal on donald trump . cheers and applause manaforts been charged with twelve counts, including conspiracy to launder money, tax fraud, and conspiracy against the united states. audience reacts whats that crime usually called again. . I cant remember, for some treason. laughter according to the indictment, manafort worked as an unregistered agent of the government of ukraine and took in tens of millions of dollars, which he apparently spent on luxury items including three range rovers, and 849,000 at a Mens Clothing store. Makes sense. laughter apparently, manafort also spent 934,000 on antique rugs which explains why he used his one phone call for 8005882300, empire. laughter cheers and applause rug, please. applause hes under house arrest again white people and prosecutors think he might be a flight risk. The evidence . Theyve asked that manaforts bail be set at 10 million. audience reacts thats a lot of rugs. laughter he better hope one of them can fly. laughter of course, manaforts arrest was a big topic of conversation at todays press briefing with White House Press secretary and heir to the huckabee fortune, Sarah Huckabee sanders, who said were all missing the real story. Todays announcement has nothing to do with the president , the president s campaign or campaign activity. The real collusion scandal, as weve said several times before, has everything to do with the clinton campaign, fusion gps and russia. Stephen my god, of course, Hillary Clinton colluded with russia to lose the election. laughter but we didnt see because we were playing checkers while she was playing threedimensional lose the election. While were on the subject, remember how the Trump Campaign swore over and over they never knew of any attempt to coordinate with russia . Well, how do i put this . Fake news. cheers and applause piano riff because today we also learned about an f. B. I. Investigation into former trump Foreign Policy adviser and groomsman offering you ecstasy at the ceremony, george papadopoulos. Turns out, papadopolous pleaded guilty to lying to f. B. I. Agents in the mueller probe. And the details of what papadopoulos lied about are papadopodamning. While working to elect trump, he repeatedly tried to arrange a meeting between the Trump Campaign and russian government officials. You cant do that. Its don, jr. s job. laughter hes going to get jealous applause according to the indictment, papadopoulos lied to the f. B. I. About his meetings with russian connections, such as a female Russian National described by papadopoulos as putins niece and a mysterious academic identified only as the professor. We dont have all the details yet, but im guessing he met the professor in the conservatory with the candlestick. And when the putin niece in question was told about a potential meeting between the Trump Campaign and russia, she responded, we are all very excited by the possibility of a Good Relationship with mr. Trump. Maam, youre not the first Eastern European woman who had high hopes for a Good Relationship with mr. Trump. laughter cheering piano riff but why did papadopoulos try to set up these meetings . Because the professor told him about the russians possessing dirt on thencandidate Hillary Clinton in the form of quote, thousands of emails. So, were supposed to believe that trump wanted russia to help with the emails. Does that even pass the smell test . Russia, if youre listening, i hope youre able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. laughter cheers and applause piano riff i hope this covers bull bleep . laughter stephen and the Trump Campaign knew what papadopoulous was up to. And this could just be the beginning of the bad news for trump because this plea deal means that papadopoulous has agreed to cooperate with the mueller investigation. Oooh, im so excited. I think i just popped a dopoulos. laughter cheers and applause jon batiste singing we knew this was coming this morning and all weekend trump was panictweeting never seen such republican anger and unity as i have concerning the lack of investigation on clinton made fake dossier now 12 million . Commadotdotdotdot the rare four dots and a comma. Were in uncharted punctuation waters. Soon his tweets will just be eight semicolons, two ampersands, and an umlaut. laughter umlaut umlaut. Umlaut. Trump continued dot dot dot the uranium to russia deal, the 33,000 plus deleted emails, the comey fix and so much more. Instead they look at phony trump russia, comma dot dot dot dot dot dot dot collusion, which doesnt exist. The dems are using this terrible and bad for our country witch hunt for evil politics, but the rs dot dot dot dot dot dot are now fighting back like never before. Nd now te facts are pouring out. Do something laughter cheers and applause theres something so president ial about yelling do something into the void. It reminds me of president roosevelts address to Congress Following pearl harbor december 7, 1941 a date which will live in infamy. Someone do something laughter cheers and applause stephen greatest generation. The greatest generation. This is huge news, and m the mur investigation except, of course, for the president s roadside petting zoo over at fox friends. Reports that morning of an imminent arrest in Robert Muellers russia investigation, Kellyanne Conway is here to react to that. And sorry, everyone halloween is ruined. All thanks to millennials. Dean cain is going to try to break that one down. Stephen wow i was going to question the legitimacy of our president , but first i got to hear what tvs superman and 51 yearold millennial has to say about candy corn but to give fox their due, they did eventually cover the story everyones talking about. Reeses Peanut Butter cups is the most Popular Halloween candy according to a survey. Stephen no, i meant the days biggest news. And this cheeseburger emoji causing a frenzy online. Weve been talking about it all morning. Can you see whats wrong with this picture . Urger. Appeares that . Company putting cheese below the patty. Stephen okay, this one im actually mad about. Google, you dont put cheese below the burger its not a burgercheese. You know how i found that out . I googled it it seems like fox news is going out of its way to cover anything other than the mueller investigation. In fact, the only news network more focused on fluff is the one i started to boost the president s ego real news tonight. Lets take a look at their broadcast from today. Welcome to real news tonight. Our lead story tonight, nothing is going on in washington involving someone named paul manafort, if that is a real man. Manafort sounds like a made up name to nee. Jim anchorton. Are millennials killing the hamburger industry . We have urgent breaking news, consumers reports released their list of the top 100 pizza toppings. Number one might not surprise you. Cheese. Jill, we have to cut off the very important story with this news. Everyone knows the dancing girls emoji but apple is under fire for rumors theyre satanic lesbians jns. News, George Papadopolous is sorry to break you off. Super mario sorry, jim. Breaking, is i. S. I. S. Targeting americas duck pond . Chocolate is healthy. A newer report says chocolate will kill you. Sorry, jill, have to cut you off. Sorry, jim. Sorry. That concludes our broadcast day. Tune in tomorrow, millennial chat with dean cain. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Billy Eichner is here, but when we come back puppies cheers and applause why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. The volkswagen atlas. With available pedestrian monitoring. Lifes as big as you make it. This is google home mini. Its the Google Assistant for your house. So it gets you. If you mumble. [minion mumbling]. It gets you. If you talk like this add worcestershire sauce to my cart. It still gets you. Okay, adding now. And if youre like hey google, play my love playlist. Ah, really . Play my love playlist. Oh yeah, it also knows the difference between you and him. Its google home mini. And the rest of the google home family. Hey, need fast try cool mint zantac. It releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. Try cool mint zantac. No pill relieves heartburn faster. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back give it up for jon batiste and stay human right over there, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause stephen folks, im a real animal lover. I especially love dogs which is why i do a segment on the late show called rescue dog rescue, where a celebrity guest and i help find rescue dogs a home by lying about how great they are. laughter and im proud to say that, so far, every single dog that we have successfully been adopted. cheers and applause yeah. And ive got great news im about to do it again. Its time for another edition of rescue dog rescue howling cheers and applause hello of course, it is nearly all hallows eve, so weve got a spoooooky batch of puppies back there. Here to help me out is a man whose bark is worse than his bite, Billy Eichner cheers and applause hi, billy good to see ya thanks for joining us, billy. Are you excited to help lie about some puppies to find them new homes . Yes and that is the first lie because i have a serious dog allergy and theyll flare up if i hold a puppy. Stephen okay. Thats not a joke. Its true. What if i hold them and you just lie about them . Im in stephen great who have we got . Oh, here we go audience reacts oh, whos this little fella . Oh, great. All right. Before we get started a reminder all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north Shore Animal League america. cheers and applause first up yes, hello hello meet winnie. If you adopt this little banana, everyone will find you appealing. laughter seriously, she releases an intoxicating pheromone that makes Beautiful People want to have sex with you. laughter winnie reminds you, wrap that banana. laughter all right. Who do we have next . This is zero hes dressed as a doctor, but thats just a costume. In reality, hes a highpowered class action attorney with a Beautiful Lake house. laughs doctor money isnt gonna put a wine cellar in your boat is it, zero . Stephen okay. Up next, we have whos this . Oh this is binx. Shes dressed like a shark, but ironically her favorite Stephen Spielberg movie isnt jaws, its catch me if you can. laughter she thinks its a stirring meditation on the pathos at the heart of american capitalism. Seriously, she wont shut up about it. laughter lets see who weve got here. cheers and applause max is a Football Player who fully supports a players right to kneel during the national anthem. cheers and applause stephen yes who takes a stand against systemic racism . You do but dont get too excited, hes also a Global Warming denier. Wake up, max anyway, youll have some interesting conversations. Stephen all right, this little fella right here oh, hello laughter applause this is little fella is chuckie. Hes not dressed as the pope for halloween, hes actually starring in hbos spinoff to young pope, entitled dog pope. laughter when he first saw the script, he wasnt sure about all the sex scenes, but eventually decided they were tasteful and necessary to the plot. laughter this cheerleader is kenny. Penny. Twofoursixeight who wont watch you masturbate . Also, more importantly, penny is a specially bred hypo allergenicdog making her safe for everyone to cuddle with . Really . Amazing . Stephen no, billy these have all been lies you touch this dog, you will die okay. Well, that does it for rescue dog rescue. Im sure all the smoke is great for the dog, by the way. Stephen its fine. Dogs love carbon dioxide. laughter head to the late shows website www. Colbertlateshow. Com for info on how to adopt these dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Billy eichner everybody thank you. Stephen well be right back with Billy Eichner cheers and applause band playing every time you call on me i drop what i do you are my best friend and weve got some things to do do you wanna, do you wanna, do you wanna do you wanna, do you wanna, do you wanna yeaheaeaeah when youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Including worsening of symptoms. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Just ask your doctor about taltz. So if you have a sink, and the ship is sinking, is it a sinking sink . Scrubbing bubbles toilet gel, freshens and cleans with every flush. Spend less time cleaning, and more time thinking about the important things. Sc johnson why are south jerseyans so angry headlines at sweeney . Up. Sweeney repeatedly sided with Chris Christie to underfund south jersey schools, increase standardized testing like parcc, cut takehome pay for teachers, and broke his promise to fund the pensions of hundreds of thousands of new jerseyans all while padding his own. Steve sweeney says a lot of things. But the truth is, hes not on our side. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest from Difficult People and of course, billy on the street. He now stars in American Horror story cult. screaming what do you want from me in. Answers. Okay. What happened to meadow. Kyle wanted ali to save her. I let her do it. I didnt know she was going to blow her brains out. Our wives . I didnt kill her. Her death had more meaning thag any moment in her pathetic life. Stephen please welcome Billy Eichner cheers and applause band playing thank you. Stephen good to see you. Thank you. Stephen good to see you. Thank you. Happy halloween. Stephen happy halloween. There was an extra banana costume backstage so here we are. Stephen yeah. Billy, its a really stunning clip, is it mostly just drama for you now . As you can see, i have become a very serious actor. laughter im really a chameleon. Thats not what im here to talk about. Stephen what are you here to talk about . I hate donald trump so much. cheers and applause that lying piece of bleep . cheering i am sick of donald trump, with everybody who associates with him, and today is just the beginning. All the shoes areegiing to drop and i am here for it. You dont agree withn i think. No, hold on a second. You think halloween is so innocent . Let me tell you something, anybody celebrating halloween this year is complicit halloween is complicit this is not a game stephen how is that complies it . My niece wants to dress up as wonder woman tomorrow night. I told her, no youre not, and i am dressing her up as congresswoman Lisa Murkowski from alaska. Thats right, and instead of Walking Around with a wonder woman shield, her job is to hold all children accountable. Okay . laughter your kids shouldnt be looking for candy tomorrow night, they should be looking for answers. All right . cheers and applause thats right. Thats right. Stephen thats nice. People doing the monster mash, they sayates graveyard smash. Its not, its a distraction, okay . You see pumpkin carving, i seetn i look at casper the friendly ghost in white privilege. laughter im sick of it. Stephen so what else is on your mind . Other than that. Everything else is going really well for me, yeah. Stephen as well it should. Yeah, i love doing American Horror story cult, very fun experience. Stephen yeah. cheers and applause thank you and wha