Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20171

To comfort a friend everybody hurts its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trump brags about his bigly i. Q. Plus stephen welcomes Tracee Ellis Ross. Luke evans. And musical guest jade bird. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen thank you, sir cheers and applause lovely lovely group of people out here tonight. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. applause upon ladies and gentlemen, so far, it has been a rough start to the school year for donald trump. His report card is definitely going to say has problems working and playing well with others. And theres not much we can do. What can we do . Because the oval office doesnt have any corners. You cant put him in a timeout. Because its open warfare between trump and republicans. It all started in an attempt to avoid open warfare with north korea. laughter you see, secretary of state and disappointed father tribute head, rex tillerson, was in the middle of tense negotiations about north korea and their nuclear program, when trump tweeted that tillerson was wasting his time trying to negotiate with little rocket man. laughter applause you know, we all know, Everybody Knows. cheers and applause Everybody Knows there is no better way to defuse a tense Nuclear Standoff than with insult humor. Who can forget during the cuban missile crisis when kennedy tweeted, cueball khrushchev and lil beardy dont have the balls. I doubledog dare you to push the button. cheers and applause got, i doubledog dare you. I doubledog well, today, in a interview with forbes, trump defended his actions towards tillerson, saying, he was wasting his time. Im not undermining. I think im actually strengthening authority. Yes, im not burning your house down. Im lowering your heating bills. laughter now, to thank him, to thank him for all that strengthening of authority, tillerson called him a bleep moron. Allegedly. Allegedly. Jon my goodness stephen but today was this today this morning, donald trump had an answer for that, too i think its fake news, but if he did that, i guess well have to compare i. Q. Tests. And i can tell you who is going to win. laughter me, too, because we have the results of their i. Q. Tests right here. Tillerson scored a 120. Its above average, not genius, but still pretty good. And weve got trumps. Its a drawing of a big truck that says maga. And theres trump right there saying, horveghonk. And heres rex tillerson, but trump calls him rex smellerson. So its a tossup. Were not entirely sure. Into this imbroguelio, enter chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and man rehearsing hamlet, bob corker. Senator corker again, this is a republican, member of the same party as the president , said that tillerson, mattis, and john kelly are all that separates america from chaos. Thats right. Hoobls we are in the before times. As head of the Foreign Relations committee, keep in mind, corker knows everything. He has access to all the secret foreign im going to say stuff. And he has some bowel loosening opinions about our president. In a recorded interview with the new york times, corker said that because of trumps careless twitter eruptions, we could be heading toward world war iii. All this time weve been worried the next war would be caused by Artificial Intelligence. Turns out the real danger is natural stupidity. cheers and applause ill miss us. Ill miss us. We had a good run. We had a good run. Now, corker thinks the president is so impulsive, he has to be managed like a toddler. But that is ridiculous. Our commander in chief proved he can be trusted with the Nuclear Triad with this mature response the failing nytimes set Liddle Bob Corker up by recording his conversation. Was made to sound a fool, and thats what i am dealing with what youre dealing with is a crippling case of narcissistic personality disorder. cheers and applause thats two things, that and this. Allegedly. Im not a doctor. This is not the first time that trump has criticized corkers height with the liddle. Last year, corker was in the running to be in trumps cabinet, but trump thought corker was too short to be secretary of state. He even made him stand next to the sign, you must be this tall to call the president a moron. Jon wow stephen and today, and today, we learned that corker might be on to something because according to politico, white house aides use delays and distraction to manage trump. Chief of staff john kelly has tried to limit bad decisions by blocking information from the president s desk. And sometimes, staffers would even distract him with a visual aid like charts on how farmers might feel about ending the north American Free trade agreement. And an executive with the Trump Organization explains that you either had to just convince him Something Better was his idea, or ignore what he said to do and hoped hed forgot about it the next day. Because, like a toddler, trump lacks object permanence. laughter what nafta deal, donald . Theres no nafta deal. It rolled behind the couch. Its gone forever. laughter applause well, the next Time White House staffers need to distract donald trump, they can always show him this report from our inhouse news team, real news tonight. Jim . Welcome to real news tonight. Im jim anchorton. And im jill newslady. And im receiving a breaking news story right here. Puerto rico is still reeling from Hurricane Maria with 85 of the island still without power and 40 without potable water. Well have more on this story tomorrow, or maybe in a couple of weeks. Maybe after christmas. But for now, look at this chart oooh, so many bright colors. The number of smiling farmers on charts is skyrocketing. And theres big news from north korea, where you know what . Reading ahead, im not going to share this one with the president. Lets move on. The latest approval numbers are in for president trump, and its looking very positive. Because hes still in the positive numbers. Well have more on that eventually. But for now, lets introduce the newest member of the real news team, pepper the puppy pundit. Whats that, pepper . What do you mean the president is killing any chance of passing legislation by alienating members of his own party in congress. Oh, pep elets not bore the president with that sort of information. Good luck, pepper on your new assignment chief correspondent to the farm upstate. Coming up, webster announces the word of the year as the president s very own liddle spelled with double ds. Even his hilarious nicknames have large breasts. I wish i had large breasts so the president would love me. Stephen thank you, guys. They do such a good job, so good. Best in the business. Personally, i hope trump doesnt start world war iii between now and december 15, because theres a new star wars movie cheers and applause did you guys see the new trailer last night . Did you see it . It debuted during halftime of monday night football. Im not sure if they were advertising star wars to football fans or football to star wars fans but it worked out. Before playing the new trailer, a legion of stormtroopers marched onto the field, seen here in the amount of armor Football Players should be wearing. Listen up. Take a knee you take a knee during the National Anthem . No thats disrepectful to the snowwhite pretend nazis who are coming out in a minute. This is why finn joined the resistance. Thats that. Yeah, ill take it. However i can get it. Jon they got guns, too. Stephen the trailer was fantastic. And i being the original star wars fan have decoded the entire plot of the new movie. If you pause right here, you can see rey, which means she didnt die in between the two movies. A great creative choice. We know that she goes to see luke, who has a new robotic hand or has been c3po dressed up in a man suit this whole time. Rey is training to beat the new villain a large rock that she is conflicted about killing. Probably ends up being her dad or something. Kylo ren is also back and badder then ever. And the gash that rey gave him in the last movie is now healing, courtesy of his space bandaid. Or he cut himself shaving with light saber. Thats why you cant have the blades coming out of the sides, kylo. And look whos coming to the rescue its chewbacca, and his new friend, porg chopper cheaper finally, finally applause people love porg. They love the porg. Finally, a second character that speaks only through screaming. Aaarrgghh raaah. Yaaaa half the movie overall, a really great trailer. Not j. J. Abrams 48, but still, pretty good. I cant wait to see the new star wars this christmas. And next christmas. And every christmas after that. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Tracee ellis ross is here. But when we return, robots roberts poallergies . Reather. Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. My, what big rims you have. My, what bright eyes you have. [beep beep] all the better to tease you with, my dear. That was good. Where to . Gee gees. Get ready to spin your own tale. Introducing an allnew crossover. Toyota chr. Toyota. Lets go places. Behold the power of energizer® ultimate lithium™. Music the 1 longestlasting battery. 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That he recently tweeted that kim jongun should be low on our list of concerns for civilizational existential risk. Competition for a. I. Superiority at National Level most likely cause of ww3, imo. Yes, elon musk thinks Artificial Intelligence will cause world war iii. My moneys still on donald trump. laughter applause i mean, corer. I mean the corker. This fear of a. I. Is nothing new for musk. Recently, he also tweeted, if youre not concerned about a. I. Safety, you should be. Vastly more risk than north korea, right above a poster that says, in the end, the machines will win. Its true. The machines always win. Give me my kit kat, you bastard applause and back in july, musk issued this warning about a. I. i think people should be really concerned about it. I keep sounding the alarm bell, but, you know, until people see, like, robots going down the street killing people, like, they dont know how to react. Stephen and if westworld is any indication, when we do see robots shooting people, well just want to have sex with them. laughter musks comments set off a bit of a feud with facebook founder and preteen boy who just saw a naked lady, Mark Zuckerberg laughter cheers and applause and zuck, who responded that musks commentses were pretty irresponsible. To which musk tweeted back ive talked to mark about this. His understanding of the subject is limited. Hey, elon, its not Mark Zuckerbergs fault that hes misinformed. He gets his news from facebook. cheers and applause so, so so, are the machines ready to rise up and start world war iii . And will there be anything left for them to destroy when they do . This is Stephen Colberts cyborgasm. laughter applause its a long intro. Thats a long graphic intro. I want i want to thank all of our viewers for staying with us through that graphic intro. Elon musk might be right to worry about a. I. Because researchers have discovered that Artificial Intelligence can acquire biases against race and gender. Well, that explains this scene in 2001 a space odyssey. Open the pod bay doors, hal. Im sorry, dave. Im afraid i cant do that. Whats the problem . Im scared you might be a mexican. laughter stephen apparently, apparentlia great movie. I dont understand the end of it, but its a great movie. Apparently, a. I. Is biased because it gleans the meaning of words by analyzing human text, so programmers did the worst thing possible they fed the computers text from the internet. Great now theyre racist and fighting over who the best star trek captain was. And even worse, the racist robots are on the move because googles deep mind a. I. Just learned to walk. Heres footage of a. I. Learning to watch. Thats exactly what i look like running towards the open bar at a wedding. Come with me come with me i want bourbon i want bourbon. Who wants please give me bourbon why did they do a whole mass . Why did they do a whole mass oh, my god, uptown funk, i love this song im exhausting. This is actual foot annual of the program trying to navigate around a wall. He gives up in frustration andidize. Uncannily human thats the same way i respond to slightly difficult tasks. laughter clean out the garage . Id rather be dead. Well, thats it for this installment of cyborgasm. Join me next time, when it will definitely still be the real Stephen Colbert. Well be right back with Tracee Ellis Ross. applause ti ladies and gentleman. Book it and bring the rock come bring the roll misbehaving, misbehaving hey now i love it when it goes my way my way whoa, oh, oh whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day all night protection. When it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. Braden so, i was at mom and dads and found this. G cds, baseball cards. Your old magic set . sigh and this wrestling ticket. Which you still owe me for. Seriously . 25 . I didnt even want to go. Ahh, your diary mom says it is totally natural. 25 is nothing. alert beep abracadabra, bro. Pay back a friend day is october 17th. Get the bank of america mobile banking app today. With flavors youll love. Re like new savory grilled mediterranean shrimp. And new sweet and spicy Nashville Hot shrimp. Plus our classics like garlic shrimp scampi. Try as much as you want however you want em, but dont wait, it ends soon. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin cbs presented by target. Urban agriculture and Community Greening are helping cities become more sustainable for the future. And thats why target has partnered with the nonprofit greensgrow in philadelphia. The novel idea was. Can we put a farm in the heart of the city and really put food directly accessible to the people that were eating it. I think its very important for us to come outside of target and really be inside of peoples communities, as well. Cbs eye on the community is sponsored by target. Well, before it was even founded, a french teenager, bienville, scared away a british warship with just a story. And Great Stories kept coming. [trumpet playing] some make you move to jazz, funk and bounce. Some of our stories arent quite as straightforward. Blocked by the saints [crowd roaring] while others prove that great things can happen. Even on a monday night. Cause for three hundred years, Great Stories have started the same way. One time, in new orleans. [crowd applause] band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, a quick reminder. If you are looking to give if youre looking to give somebody a great halloween present and arent we all, jon . Jon oh, yeah. Stephen consider Stephen Colberts midnight confessionin if you dont celebrate halloween, and some people dont, the next day is all saints day. And if youre looking for a great all saints day present this is the one. Its like going to church. Thats how close this is going to confession. Jon absolutely. Stephen you like going to confession, jon . Jon i liked going to confession as a kid, i liked going behind that thing. Stephen how long has it done . Jon oh, wow. Yeah. I read the book, though, i liked the book. Stephen youre covered. Youre covered. Jon i liked the book. Yeah, yeah. Stephen youre all good, youre all good. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a golden globewinning actress who stars as dr. Rainbow johnson on blackish. Please welcome back to the show Tracee Ellis Ross. applause . Stephen hey you. Stephen know what . Lovely to see you. Im going to be in trouble with my wife tonight when she sees this. Why . Stephen i didnt help you up the stairs. You sort of did, but i needed extra help. Stephen i should have anticipated. I am a terrible host. No, i would beg to differ, sir laughter . Stephen all right, i bow to your formal accent, mlady. Lovely to see you again. Thank you. Im very happy to be here. Lovely to see you i keep doing it mlady. What would monsieur mean. Stephen my sir. Monsieur. Stephen i love the tux youre wearing. People are a little more formal on late night. You dont see that. Let me tell you about this tux Tracee Ellis Ross design for j. C. Penny. Stephen what yeah. Stephen can i s