Have you recently gotten into a little hot water and need somebody else to blame . Then call me at bobs blame bus. Heres how it works. You throw your wife under a bus and ill run her over. Its that simple. And it doesnt matter what the indiscretion is. Gold bars from egypt . It was the wife. Supporting an insurrection . The wife. The results are the same. Toss, toss, honk, honk, thump, thump. Call now and ill be there in a halfhour guaranteed. And if im late, its my wifes fault. If bad decisions are causing you strife call bobs blame bus and throw under your wife announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. In Justice Alito plus, stephen welcomes Sarah Paulson and paul scheer and a performance from merrily we roll along. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen oh oh. [cheers and applause] thank you, everybody. Youre very kind. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I want to start off by saying i believe in democracy. I believe in our constitutional government. I believe in the separation of powers. And i wish the Supreme Court felt the same way. Because the Supreme Court of the united states, or scotus, continues to shoot itself in the nuts, or scrotus. [laughter] these folks. In the black robes, theyve been wracked with scandals over the past few years, including Clarence Thomas wife promoting the coup on january 6th, and Clarence Thomas accepting Luxury Vacations from the guy who owns hitlers napkins. And now, theres a brandnew scandal involving Supreme Court justice and lifeguard watching you drown, samuel alito. Right now, there are multiple cases that could be decided by the Supreme Court involving Donald Trumps efforts to overturn the 2020 election. Which is why it was particularly disturbing this weekend when we found out that, in january of 2021, just days after the capitol riot, an upsidedown u. S. Flag flew at the home of Justice Samuel alito. [booing] and thats significant because at that time, the upsidedown flag had become a symbol of the stop the steal movement. And even worse, all of alitos garden gnomes were fully qanon. [laughter] and when it comes to january 6th cases argued before the court, alito has been highly sympathetic to the mob. Thats like when your couples therapist wearing a shirt that says, team david. Theres no possible justification for a Supreme Court justice displaying a symbol of insurrection at his home. Which is why, when this photo was published, alito immediately did the right thing, owned up, and blamed his wife, saying in a statement that he had no involvement whatsoever in the flying of the flag. And it was briefly placed by his wife, marthaann. So he dropped a dime on his gal, citing the landmark case of me just tryna live my life v. Ladies be crazy, amirite . [cheering] crazy alito excused his wifes desecration of the flag that our forefathers died for at iwo jima, because he says she only did it because a neighbor displayed a [bleep] trump sign on their lawn, and when mrs. Alito confronted the neighbor about it, they say the neighbor addressed his wife using vulgar language, including the cword. Okay, that is not nice. But if someone calls you the cword, putting up an insurrection flag is not the response. Oh, you were rude to my wife . Well, were nazis now. Are you happy . So marthaann runs up the january 6 flag, and then sam comes home from work, sees it, and is like, honey, i understand youre upset, but we have to take that down immediately. For petes sake, im a justice of the Supreme Court, is what would have been nice to have happened. But instead, neighbors confirmed the display stood for several days before being taken down. [booing] so, alito clearly knew about this, because he came and went for several days, and, to paraphrase my favorite spangled banner, the flag was still there [applause] do i do it upside down . Do i wear my hat backwards . Now dig this, daddyo. The court has repeatedly warned its own employees against public displays of partisan views, but that doesnt affect alito because the Supreme Court serves as an arbiter of its own behavior. So, different rules apply to the justices and their staff. Why . I wouldnt want to go to a restaurant with a sign that says employees must wash hands, but manager can pee in your soup. [applause] was still there. So thats the jokes on that story. By the way, if you didnt like those jokes, they were my wifes idea. I just came home and the jokes were there. I had nothing to do with those jokes. This weekend, trump hit the campaign trail. On friday, he swung by a republican fundraiser in minnesota, where he had a new condition for his debates with joe biden. I just want to debate this guy. But you know, and im going to demand a drug test too, by the way. [laughter] stephen okay, but trump and biden are two very old men. Of course theyre on drugs. You test any guy their age and youre going to get positives for lipitor, metoprolol, flomax, and werthers original. [laughter and applause] do you really want to delay the debate, waiting for two old men to pee . Weve only got till november ooh, trump also took a shot at bidens signature issue, shrinkflation. I said anybody have any tictacs . And the guy said, yeah, i have one. Look at the size of that sucker. Can you see that, pete . This is called biden tictacs. Stephen this . Those are biden tictacs. This is shocking. This is called biden car. And look what he did to detroit. Look what he did to men. This is biden man. Cant even fit in biden car. Body comes off. Its possessed by devil head. Possessed by devil. Then, on saturday, trump spoke at the nras annual meeting, where he played a piece of instrumental stock music that has become a qanon anthem, and when the music played, he paused for, and im rounding down here, forever. Together they help make america into the single greatest nation in the history of the world. [applause] but now we are a nation in decline. We are a failing nation. Stephen nothing like pausing forever under scary music and then saying the saddest possible sentence. Okay, kids, come on here. Daddy needs to talk to you. [exhales] im leaving your mom for your preschool teacher. [applause] bananas. While trump was out on the campaign trail, one of his best buds was holding the fort down in palm beach. Former trump lawyer and gremlin who gets your baby unless you can guess his name, rudy giuliani. This weekend, rudy was celebrating his 80th birthday in florida, when arizona prosecutors served him indictment papers at his own party. [cheers and applause] there you go. There you go. Rudy must have been shocked, given that just an hour and 14 minutes earlier, he tweeted, if arizona authorities cant find me by tomorrow morning, one, they must dismiss the indictment; two, they must concede they cant count votes. Hoohoo it was the worsttimed social media post since jesus tweeted, enjoying some delicious hummus at the first of many suppers with the most loyal apostles in the game you and me backtoback. But an indictment isnt the only gift rudys getting. He also set up an 80th birthday amazon gift registry. It was either at amazon or crate and i live in a barrel. So what do you get the guy who drank everything . Well, reportedly he asked for led chandeliers, a flatscreen tv and a podcasting mic, plus stainblocking ceiling paint. Its hard to imagine why rudy has stains on his ceiling. Because there are so many options im gonna say postfranzia poop cartwheels. Rudy was really hoping for a nice birthday check because hes 148 million in debt, which is why he recently launched a new grift. Rudy coffee. You know their slogan fresh from the scalp we got a great show for you tonight my guests are Sarah Paulson and comedian paul scheer. But when we come back, we go behind the scenes at Donald Trumps trial. Join us, wont you . [cheers and applause] stephen give it up for louis cato and the late show band right over there, baby. Folks, we are quickly nearing the conclusion of the trump hush money trial here in new york city. Every day, we read a lot about whats going on inside the courtroom, but we have to imagine what it looked and sounded like. Because video and audio feeds are banned. For instance, if a journalist inside the courtroom reports that trump farted, its all hearsay, and even worse, its smellsay. All we have to go on are artists sketches of the trials main characters judge merchan, witnesses like david pecker, stormy daniels, michael cohen, a very handsome eric, and what appears to be an albino sasquatch in heat. Now, as colorful. [cheers and applause] as colorful as those sketches are, trump hasnt been happy about how hes been depicted. Reports are hes privately raging over everything from how the Court Sketch Artist is rendering him, to latenight talk show hosts joking about his legal troubles. [cheers and applause] hey hey. Which gave me an idea. What if a late night talk show host used the actual courtroom sketches trump doesnt like to joke about his legal troubles . Well, thanks to cutting edge nonai technology known as human artists, we have recreated the trial exactly as it has happened. Jim . The late show presents court sketch court. Tonights episode to sketch a predator. Order, order. We now resume the trial of the people of new york versus donald trump. [snoring] Hannibal Lecter im sorry. Where am i . Its okay, mr. President. Heres your binky. Now focus on your papers. This is a tough one. Whos a good president . You are. You are. So i opened the door, and there is donald trump wearing nothing but a tshirt and boxer shorts. Eww. [bleep]. I reminded the defendant hes under a gag order. And i remind the defendant i gagged on his odor. [laughter] oooh. [applause] so i said to mr. Trump, sure, boss. Ill pay off a porn star. You see, me and mr. Trump was always doing crimes. This testimony is killing me. Weve got to clear the room. We cant do that. I can. I told her. [farting] eww. [farts] oh oh he did it. Well, somehow weve reached the end of this trial. Mr. Foreman, would you please read the jurys verdict . Yes, your honor. The jury finds donald trump guilty. What the youll never take me alive order, order. You dont exist. You dont exist. And you dont exist. And you dad, you wouldnt erase your own son, would you . No , oh. I still love you, dad. Finally. No one exists but me. [cheering] stephen well be right back with Sarah Paulson. There are many ways to dress your mcdonalds hot, crispy fries. But which is best. . Is it with ketchup . Sweet n sour . Dare i say au naturale. . When you over do it. Undo it, with the pepto thats right for you. Pepto has berry fast melts cherry chewables liquicaps that make relief easy. Pepto bismol. Pick your pepto. We really dont want people to think of feeding food like ours is spoiling their dogs. Good, real food is simple. It looks like food, it smells like food, its what dogs are supposed to be eating. No living being should ever eat processed food for every single meal of their life. Its amazing to me how many people write in about their dogs changing for the better. The farmers dog is just our way to help people take care of them. Some people just know theres a better way to do things. Like bundling your home and Auto Insurance with allstate. Yeah, she knows. And some people. Dont. Like. Come on. Yikes ughh. No. You know, theres a better way. Save time and money by bundling your home and auto with allstate. Youre in good hands with allstate. [ upbeat music ] and auto with allstate. [singing] im returning for the candle drop. [singing] i just get a latte, pretend to shop. A slow network is no network for business. Thats why more choose comcast business. And now, were introducing ultimate speed for business our fastest plans yet. Were up to 12 times faster than verizon, at t, and tmobile. And existing customers could even get up to triple the speeds. At no additional cost. Its ultimate speed for ultimate business. Dont miss out on our fastest speed plans yet switch to comcast business and get started for 49. 99 a month. Plus, ask how to get up to an 800 prepaid card. Call today [cheers and applause] stephen hey, welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest this evening is an Emmy Awardwinning actor you know from the ryan murphy universe and movies like the post and glass. Please welcome back to the late show, Sarah Paulson. Sarah hello. Stephen hello. Sarah hello, finds her. Stephen lovely to see you again. Its been too long. Sarah is this mine . Its mine now. Stephen this is daddys right over here. Water . Sarah i hope so. Stephen meals also. Stephen a bouquet of congratulations is in order to you. [cheers and applause] they dont even know yet. Sarah they dont know what is. Its been anticipated. Stephen you won a Drama League Award and nominated for a tony award in your performance for the new place v8. [cheers and applause] there you go. You must be feeling pretty good to be Sarah Paulson right now. Sarah you know, im trying my best to embrace this idea of like, pride in oneself. Because i think we are living in a time where at least i feel we are not sort of allowing ourselves to celebrate the things that we worked very, very hard for. Yes, if you like patty simcox in grace, im so excited about myself. But i do feel like i worked really hard and im excited that people have responded to my work because it sure beats the alternative. Stephen right. Take the time to enjoy. Take the time to enjoy it. Sarah i really do feel like we are afraid to self celebrate without, you know, worrying people are going to think we are full of ourselves. Stephen i got a lovely message from nora efron. She said i just want to make sure youre enjoying this. People were very hard and then they achieve a certain thing and they dont allow themselves to actually enjoy the moment. Sarah thats right. Also, this may be it. I dont know whats coming. Stephen thats what i hear. Its over for Sarah Paulson thats why we have you here tonight. Sarah to let me know this is the end of the line. Stephen turning your badge and youre gone. Sarah your s. A. G. Card, your equity card. Youve got to go. Youve hit it, kid. Stephen you are honored by another thing. This is kind of cool. Theres a restaurant here in new york, its a mainstay of broadway. In the theater community. There are portraits, sort of characters but cartoon portraits of stars of broadway on the walls and there you are getting your sardis portrait. If you know, you know. Sarah its an outrageously special thing made even more special by the reality that my mother moved to new york city when she was 27 years old with a 5yearold me and a 3. 5yearold my sister by herself, alone, single mom, and got a job working at sardis. Theres a man named max. That man right there who now owns the restaurant but he hired my mother when he just manage the downstairs floor of the restaurant. My mom was the only person worked there who had children at the time. When my mom and i walked in to have this unveiling, they call it, they saw each other and he started to cry. Because he said, i remember you so well. He grabbed her by the arm and said, you know, we did all right. It was very moving. [applause] stephen im gonna cry. Sarah i know. Thats all thats been happening. Its not a big deal. Stephen youre no stranger to the stage. When you were 19 . Sarah 19. Stephen 19. Sarah wendy watersons play. I like the one little applause. Excellent work. Stephen take me back, youre on broadway at 19. What is that like for a young Sarah Paulson . Sarah it was my first job. It was my first job. First professional gig. Ive made the decision to not pursue a College Career which has its. Stephen i dig it. Sarah it was okay i guess for me. I cant sell parmesan spell parmesan. Stephen did you ever wait tables question might sarah i did wait tables for a hot second and i got an order for chicken parmesan and i couldnt spell it so i quit. Stephen you youre kidding. Sarah i swear to god. Circles piza. It was my first sort of job waiting tables and it lasted about six hours. Because they were like hi, i would like to order a chicken farm. Chicken parmesan . How do i spell parmesan. Its making me sound like an absolute dolt and its not incorrect. It didnt occur to me that i could write check harm or something. I quit. Stephen that is sticktoitiveness. Any resistance . Quit. Sarah just walk away. I thought this is not going to go well and it didnt. Stephen youre on broadway. Stephen i got a job understanding the great actress amy ryan, also nominated for a tony this year for her work in doubt. Same category. The most special part about doing that show was ive never done a play before the actual curtain. A big heavy, red velvet curtain. I was 19. Ive never done a play before. I am sitting there and i remember looking into the wings and the stage guy. Stephen manager questioning sarah not stage manager for the guy was going to lift the curtain. Stagehand. He said ready . I said ready. He pulled it up on a remember the weight of the curtain going up in the waft of freezing cold air and then people applauding the set. I was like oh, wow, i guess im doing okay because they are clapping. I didnt know it was not for me by the way. Youth. Stephen we have to take a quick break. Well be right back with more Sarah Paulson, everybody. Stick around. Scout is protected by simparica trio and hes in it to win it simparica trio is the first chew with triple protection. Whoa fleas and ticks intestinal worms whoa heartworm disease no problem with simparica trio this drug class has been associated with neurologic Adverse Reactions including seizures. Use with caution in dogs with a history of these disorders. For winning protection go with simparica trio. That grimy film on your teeth . 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