Through his new interpreter. [speaking japanese] he says hey, and hes so happy that im his translator. [speaking japanese] he says put it all on captains boy to place in the third at belmont. Go ahead. [speaking japanese] he says my wife cheryl should just calm down about the college fund. Well win it back. Are you listening, cheryl . Thats his words, not mine. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Oaf of wall street plus, stephen welcomes Carol Burnett and musical guest waxahatchee and mj lenderman. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheering] stephen youve got to set it up. Youve got to offer it up. Happy tuesday, baby. Happy, happy, happy, happy. Hey, everybody thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Hello thank you very much, my friends. Welcome. Welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] im being told is this true . This just in. We have breaking news. Donald trump is upset about something. [laughtr] can we factcheck that . That is true, okay. Evidently im just finding this out now one of the things that joe biden has been running on in this election is the success and popularity of obamacare. Its all part of the radical political theory that people enjoy staying alive. Well, this idea seems to have ruffled trumps dander, cause a short time ago, he truthed im not running to terminate the aca, as crooked joe buden disinformates and misinformates all the time its true. No, folks, listen up. He misinformates, disinformates, and spreads untruthfullnessitudes joe buden clearly has diminished cognoogitude. Now, trump claims hes not trying to repeal obamacare, which is something he actually tried repeatedly to do in the past. Instead he says he wants to make the Affordable Care act much, much, much better for far less money, or cost, to our grest american citizens. Yes, our grest. Which, according to urban dictionary, means an interesting way to say great breasts. [cheers and applause] im guessing that ones not a typo. In fact, i believe thats what maga stands for make America Grest Awooga you dont often get to say awooga im going to linger on that. You know, folks, i consider myself a deep spiritual thinker. I frequently ponder the ageold questions like why do bad things happen to good people, and why do good things ever happen to donald trump . Yesterday, the trump media and technology group, or hpv, which owns truth social, completed a deal to go public. According to bloomberg news, that deal increased trumps net worth by more than 4 billion, making him one of the worlds 500 richest people. He made over 4 billion misspelling things on the toilet. My god, i hope that article is misinformated. The name of the Company Trump merged with is the completely innocent sounding Digital World acquisition corp. I forget. Are they the bad guys in robocop or terminator . Coming into trading today, wall street gave the combined company a valuation of about 13 billion, which experts warn us is untethered to reality. To give a sense of how bonkers that estimate is reddit was only valued at 6. 4 billion at its ipo last week, even though it generated 160 times more revenue than trump media. Yeah, theres no way truth social is worth more than reddit. Truth social doesnt have even one subchannel dedicated to birds with arms. [laughter] can we just run that for the rest of the monologue . On top of that, in the first nine months of 2023, truth social lost 49 million. [applause] and with results like that, naturally, at the opening bell, the stock surged about 56 . So trump sells something that does terribly, yet it makes him billions. I like that business model. Thats why im introducing my new product Stephen Colberts bathtub toaster. The tingling means its working now, in fairness, you can see why investors might get excited about the company. Just take a look at their quarterly income statements. That is a rocket ride to the moon and im sorry. Im being told thats upside down. To add insult to there is no justice in this veil of tears, the company is trading under the ticker djt. That is the height of narcissism. And i say that as a man who bolted his name to the side of this building. So, thats tasteful [cheering] thats not narcissism cause its my name how was trump so lucky that the ticker djt was available . Well, there wasnt much demand for it after he previously used it in 1995 for his hotel and casino company, which filed for bankruptcy and was delisted from the Stock Exchange nine years later. But that wasnt his fault he was trying to make money in the notoriously difficult casino industry. You know what they say the house always files for bankruptcy. No surprise, theres an alluring whiff of corruption around this whole deal centered on secretive billionaire and guy at the food court whos just gonna sit here and watch you eat, jeff yass. Reportedly, yass is a part owner of Digital World acquisition corp. Hes also a major investor in tiktoks parent company. Congress has been threatening to shut down tiktok unless it is sold by its chinabased parent company. The person who originally demanded that sale was a guy named donald trump. He changed his mind after yass met with trump in florida. Is that suspicious . Yaaaaass yaaaaass [applause] coldblooded [laughter] thats a blast from the past. Truth social does have one poweruser, his name is donald trump. Yesterday, on his app, trump embraced the idea that hes kind of like jesus christ, in a post about his new york fraud case where he claims a fan came up to him and said its ironic that christ walked through his greatest persecution the very week they are trying to steal your property from you. Exactly. Trump is just like christ. The pharisees despised jesus because jesus had all of that prime deadseafront property. Jesus was a brilliant capitalist. Hes buying lepers at rock bottom prices, healing them, then flipping them for big dinarii. We all know how he got initial round of funding selling golden sandals. Speaking of people who are divorced from reality, there was a big announcement this afternoon from president ial candidate most likely to eat a stick of natural deodorant, rfk jr. Junior is getting heat from democrats who think hes trying to siphon votes away from biden, calling him a stalking horse for trump. But im not sure that metaphor is apt, because at least horses wear shoes. Even biden trolled rfk, jr. On st. Patricks day by posing with over three dozen members of the Kennedy Family who oppose rfks independent run. Wow. I havent seen an irishonirish attack that vicious since the lines at every soft pretzel cart in fenway park. So rfk, jr. Could use some bigname help to boost his campaign. And after floating potential runningmates like Aaron Rodgers and jesse ventura, today he unveiled his megawatt vp pick. Say it with me. Nicole shanahan [laughter] now, what do we know about Nicole Shanahan . Well, her first name is nicole and, this is actually interesting, her last name is shanahan. Apparently, shes an attorney and entrepreneur who was once married to google founder sergey brin. In fact, if you try to google shanahan, you just get a page that says, error 404, not found. Im doing fine, bro. Better than ever. Why . Did she ask . So just why. Why. So why is rfk getting into these shenanahanigans . Well, many, many one reason shes a Major Campaign donor who paid most of the cost for rfk jr. s 7 million Super Bowl Ad. Picking a veep based on who can afford a Super Bowl Ad is a long tradition. Thats why mitt romney chose his running mate, florida senator bud light limearita. Oh, no its shanahan. Why not . Its womens History Month check your calendar. And you know what that means some guy is saying something dumb about women. This time its political strategist and six flags man after his grandson introduced him to edibles, james carville. In a recent interview with the new york times, carville blamed the democratic partys problems on too many preachy females who keep telling men dont drink beer. Dont watch football. Yeah, women dont want men drinking beer and watching football. Who do men they think they are . Taylor swift . Carville added, the message is too feminine. Everything youre doing is destroying the planet. Youve got to eat your peas. [laughter] you gotta eat your peas . That sounds weirdly specific to james carville. These women are like, Global Warming is real. James, you gotta eat your peas, you gotta change your sheets more than once a month. The smell is intolerable. Dont preach to me, woman im spoonin with my gator we got a great show for you tonight my guest is the one, the only ms. Carol burnett. But when we come back, its time for cyborgasm then were gonna cuddle. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by mcdonalds. Who do say its juicy. And when you taste it, youll say that too. ugh. Cabin crew cross check. That yellows not gonna fly. Buckle up whoa reality checkup theres toothpaste white, and theres crest 3dwhitestrips white. Whitens like a 400 professional treatment. [pilot] prepare for nonstop smiles. Crest. Every day, more dog people are deciding its time for a fresh approach to pet food. Developed with vets. Made from real meat and veggies. 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Apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. Practice safer sex to reduce your risk. Dont take apretude if youre allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. Tell your doctor if youve had liver or kidney problems or Mental Health concerns. If you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. Serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. Some of the most common side effects include injectionsite reactions and headache. You must receive apretude as scheduled. Ask your doctor about longacting apretude. And prep without pills. Save at apretude. Com. Hi, im jason. Ive lost 228 pounds on golo. And prep wi hout pills. Changing your habits is the only way that gets you to lose the weight. And golo is the plan thats going to help you do that. Just take the first step, go to golo. Com. Marshalls buyers hustle for the latest trends, from fashion. Double denim is back. Got it to beauty, so you dont have to. That is a deal we get the deals, you get the good stuff. Marshalls. Sometimes jonah wrestles with falling asleep. So he takes zzzquil. The worlds 1 sleep aid brand. And wakes up feeling like himself. Get the rest to be your best with nonhabit forming zzzquil. [cheers and applause] stephen give it up for louis cato and the late show band, everybody there you go. [applause] you know, ive said many times. I have said it many times, im lucky to share the stage with these people over here but louis, you know we are all lucky to share the stage with our guest this evening, the one, the only, the great Carol Burnett is going to be out here. [cheers and applause] almost 91. Almost 91. Sharp as a tack, still performing, still dynamic. This is why you want one of these jobs. Folks, if you know me, you know that i love technology. Its the reason i can instantly share all of my contacts, photos, and calendar with everyone in my family whether they want it or not. And i like to bring you all the latest tech in my futureforward segment. Cyborgasm [crackling] [grunting] oh stephen theoretical, theoretical spot. First up on cyborgasm, a scientific journal had an illustration whoopsie after a study featuring an aigenerated image of a giant rat penis had to be retracted, and the journal has now apologized. Okay, i mean, a. I. Is still pretty new and obviously it makes some mistakes, but how giant a rat penis could it possibly oh, sweet. Oh, sweet and sour mickey willies packin a steamboat. This is either from a scientific journal or the Childrens Book jack and the giant peenstalk. What i love about this illustration is just how pleased he seems. Hes just staring up at it with deep satisfaction. Going ya know, i got a lot problems in life. This aint one of em. Long may you wave. Next up, big news from google. Last month, the company paused its ai chatbots image generation tool after it created historically inaccurate pictures, including black vikings, female popes, and native americans among the Founding Fathers and even generated racially diverse nazis. Apparently the images were caused by an overcorrection to longstanding racial bias problems in ai. Okay, got it. So people pointed out, because a. I. Is trained on artwork and writing generated by humans, it naturally comes with all the prejudices, both conscious and unconscious, that we as deeply flawed humans carry with us all the time. And google was like, got it black hitler comin up next up, ai love is in the air, because romances between human beings and ai chatbots are booming, with people chatting with a. I. Apps like lovegpt, lover ai, and truemate ai girlfriend chat. What is it like to send romantic dms with an a. I. . U up . Send sexy pic. Okay. [applause] oh, goodness. Even when you know that graphic is coming. Next up on the gasm, chinese Robotics Company unitree has made a major breakthrough and humanoid robots are running even faster now. Cool no downside there. Lets take a look at the speedster in action behold, the blistering pace of the future our most advanced technology has finally reproduced the gait of a retiree heading for the Golden Corral buffet. Hard to get that one out. These new chinese robots are so good that the unitree h1 is the first humanoid to nail a backflip without hydraulics. Still unclear what the application for this is, but i gotta say, things are looking really good for chinas olympic gymnastics team. Up next, a warning for all the tesla owners out there. Everyone hates you. [laughter] and another warning, be careful when offroading, because recently a Tesla Cybertruck got stuck while driving on a california beach. This despite the truck being touted on teslas website as apocalypseproof. 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The tortured Poets Department phantom clear vinyl only at target [stomach growling] its nothing. Sounds like something. When you have nausea, heartburn, indigestion upset stomach, diarrhea pepto bismol coats and soothes for fast relief when you need it most. luke this will be a gold mine of local intel. marci so, tell us about this corn festival. S and soothes stylist oooh you got your corn pudding. marci so. Is it safe around here . stylist sometimes. [luke gasping] marci no eyebrows . luke think of how light itll feel in the summer. We gotta run. Eleven thousand more neighborhoods to go vo ding dong homesdotcom. man that looks really high. woman it is high. Whenever youre ready. man are there any snakes . woman nope. man are you sure . Here we go vo its time to push your limits. woman youre doing great man oh, is that a buffalo . woman babe, thats a cow. vo the Subaru Crosstrek wilderness. Adventure on the edge. screams bleeding gums are serious, jamie. Dr. Garcia . Woah. Theyre a sign of bacterial infection. Crest gum detoxifys antibacterial fluoride works below the gumline to help heal gums and stop bleeding. Crest saves the day. Crest. [cheers and applause] stephen there you go. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my friends. Oh, my dears. My guest tonight is a seventime emmywinning actress and the queen of tv variety shows. Now she stars in the apple tv series palm royale. Answer all my problems. Would be if i could smother you with this pillow. I dare you to try it. You dont have it in you. You dont have the guts, the pizzazz, they doordie sparkle. But i could have it in me. Die why wont you just die die already see . [laughs] you dont have it in you. My god, oh, my god. Oh, god. Of course i would never do that. Bad maxine, bad stephen please welcome back to the late show, Carol Burnett. [cheers and applause] [cheering] please, madame. Nice to see you. Isnt that lovely . Isnt that lovely . Carol, as you can tell, i am not the only one excited that youre here. Thank you for being here. [cheering] ive had the opportunity to interview you a few times both on this show on the last show. Always a