Commander in chief an official desk, american flags, and even your own autocrat. Now you too can have pretend photo ops, fake important meetings, and sound president ial. Bababababa. The fisherprice president ial playset. For ages 4 to 6 and 77 and over. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Complaint of the union plus, stephen welcomes Kristen Stewart and Tom Hollander featuring live louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen oh good to see you. Hey, everybody. Thank you so much. Please have a seat. Sit, state, said. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] last night was the oscars. I want to congratulate my good friend and fellow Strike Force Five member, jimmy kimmel, who did a great job hosting. And got to congratulate oppenheimer, which took home so many awards, including best picture, best actor, best supporting actor, and theyre telling me i gotta wrap it up. My wife evie, i love you. See you soon kids, go to bed chris nolan, we did it dont look at the back of my suit. I broke it. Last nights ceremony had many fun moments, like ryan gosling singing im just ken, [cheering] Arnold Schwarznegger and danny devito reuniting, and john cena presenting best costume in the buff. Good thing he held onto that card, cause we might have seen his maestro, if you know what im saying . His poor thing, if you catch my drift . His, uh, his oppenpenis. But it turned out cena wasnt actually naked. He was wearing a skintoned junkwrap. Which is good, i suppose, but it was embarrassing when Paul Giammatti wore the same thing to the after party. Looking good. Giammatti is looking good. Maybe the weirdest moment was the final category, best picture, when al pacino. Al pacinod. Jim . This is the time for the last award of the evening. And its uh, uh, my honor to present it. Ten Wonderful Films were nominated, but only one will take the award for best picture. And i have to go to the envelope for that. And i will. Here it comes. And my eyes see oppenheimer. Yes. Stephen you gotta imagine hes a nightmare at the deli counter. Its, uh, its time for me to order my sandwich. There are ten wonderful meats before me. Only one can go home to my tummy. And i have to go to the grocery list for that. And i will. And here it comes. Out of my pocket. And that is a tissue. And here it is, the real one. And my eyes see ham. A ham with a great ass yes, yes. Congratulations, ham. Now watch as i pay entirely in dimes. Hooah [applause and cheers] this weekend was also the unofficial kickoff of the general election. cause weve only got two candidates left, and they have starkly different messages. Bidens message is vote for me because trump is terrible, trumps message is vote for me because i am terrible. Heres trump on saturday, mocking the speech impediment joe biden has had since childhood. Two nights ago, we all heard crooked joes angry, dark, hatefilled rant of a state of the union address. Wasnt it didnt it bring us together . Remember he said im going to bring the country ttttogether. Stephen wow. You really want to go there . First of all, biden didnt stutter like that. Second, if you want to make this a wordtalkin contest, youre one of the weirdest speakers in human history. Heres trump later in that same speech, saying something. They are weaponizing Law Enforcement for high level election interference against joe bidens top and only political appointment, a guy named me. Its a guy named me. Stephen can he not remember his own name at this point . Maybe thats why he puts it on all of his buildings. Nice to meet you. Im. Trump [cheering] this is my beautiful wife. Panera. Its that level of communication that has many questioning his mental fitness. But what some call brain damage, he calls brain advantage. You know, the fake news will say, oh, he goes from subject to no, thats you have to be very smart to do that. You gotta be very smart. Its called, you know what it is . Its called spot checking. You are thinking about something when youre talking about Something Else. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And then you get back to origi and they go holy [bleep]. Did you see what he just thats ama its called its called intelligence. Stephen yes. Its called intelligence. Look no further than einsteins famous equation e equals bop, bop, bop, bop, bop holy [bleep]. [cheers and applause] squared . Squared . But if being constantly distracted makes you smart, id like to congratulate americas next nobel laureate, my dog benny. Hes incredible. Hell be focused on food, then squirrel, then ball, then doorbell, then doorbell on tv, its bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. Its called intelligence. [cheers and applause] whos a good boy . Whos a good boy . At this point, trump isnt even trying to hide his awfulness. His critics accuse him of being a wannabe dictator, so what does he do . He sits down with hungarian dictator and elephant seal barking for a trout, viktor orban. Orban went down to maralago on friday for an official fake state visit with the notpresident. Orban is a bad guy. In the last decade, he has weakened the institutions of democracy, eroded the legal system, and eliminated effective opposition. Did you ever know that youre my hero for trying to end democracy i can fly higher than an eagle cause you are the wind beneath my whale little lower. Little lower. Little low. Its no surprise that trump invited orban to maralago for an allyoucansmooch buttkiss buffet. cause he loves him some dictator, and he always has, according to new interviews with former National Security adviser john bolton and former chief of staff john kelly, the Trump Administration statler and waldorf. According to john kelly, in private, how do i put this delicately . Trump loves hitler. In fact, trump told kelly, well, hitler did some good things. And the category is, phrases that should end your candidacy and or Birthday Party. Can i see hitler did some good things . It is number one answer lets see the rest. Yum yum human flesh and i am rfk jr. Now, kelly bravely asked trump which good things hitler did, and trump responded well, hitler rebuilt the economy. And thats the end of his story, as far as i know. Only read the first half of the book. Love the mein, never got through the kampf. Really . [applause] no, no, no. No, i dont want your pity. Kelly had to give trump a bit of a history lesson. After trump expressed admiration for hitlers military staffs loyalty, kelly pointed out to him the german generals as a group were not loyal to him, and in fact tried to assassinate him a ew times. Trump didnt know that. Really . So it turns out the nazis had a bit of a dark side . Very hard to take this seriously. Trump also loves the modernday strongmen. According to bolton, trump likes that guys like erdogan in turkey get to put people in jail and you dont have to ask anybodys permission. Thats called a dictatorship, sir. In a democracy, it can be hard to put even a guilty guy in jail. For instance, whats his name . A guy named me. There you go. There you go. Oh the massive news over the weekend. Someone took a picture of Kate Middleton. Heres why its kind of a big deal. Middleton had made no public appearances since she underwent Abdominal Surgery two months ago. That led to a lot of online speculation, including Kate Middleton is dead, and Kate Middleton is getting a divorce from prince william. Or maybe both shes getting a divorce while dead its all in todays sun, zombie kate spotted getting her groove back with Pete Davidson well, yesterday, the u. K. Celebrated mothers day. Or as they call it, bangers and mom. To celebrate, and to quiet all these rumors, kate released this picture. Its a beautiful shot of a mom and three happy kids. Is what they want you to believe. Oh, yes. Because after the photo dropped, it was pulled from several news outlets after editors noticed that the image had been manipulated. How dare they . The one thing we know about royalty is what you see is what you get. Whats next . Are you going to tell us that the king isnt real . Heres what the experts noticed. Keen eyed observers saw kates zipper and hair are misaligned, charlottes hair had an artificial pattern, and a portion of charlottes sleeve is missing. These are all photoshop errors, and not, as many had assumed, the result of centuries of inbreeding. Yeah. I know its hard for you because you love the royal family. You are such a royal watcher. Today, kate admitted that she had edited the photo, and to put this scandal to rest, the palace has released the original image of princess kate skateboarding over a tiger. Skateboarding, okay. Speaking of suspicious cover stories, a new pentagon report has found no evidence of alien visits or hidden space craft. Which can mean only one thing they found evidence of alien visitors and hidden spacecraft. How do you know how i know . The actual name of the Pentagon Group that did the alien investigation is the allDomain Anomaly Resolution Office. We humans at the all Domain Anomaly Resolution Office assure you aliens do not exist. For more information, please send us magnesium extracted from your bones. Or just send us your delicious delicious bones. The report also allegedly debunks theories that the government and private companies had reverseengineered extraterrestrial technology. Oh, really . Well, if we havent reverse engineered advanced alien tech, then how do you explain soft scrub . Its both smooth and abrasive only Quantum Technology beyond our understanding can fight toilet ring, hard water, and limescale stains and theres no way humans came up with the slogan cleans from the first wipe. We got a great show for you tonight my guests are Kristen Stewart and Tom Hollander. But when we come back, its meanwhile yall stick around. [cheers and applause] stephen give it up for louis cato and the late show band, everybody. [humming] louis. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness gracious, my lovely friends over there. Today weve got two lovely guests coming up. Wonderful british actor named Tom Hollander will be out here in a moment. He plays Truman Capote eight in feud capote vs. The swans at first ms. Kristen stewart will be out in a moment. The movie love lies bleeding. Folks, if you watch the show you know i spend most of my time in the news kitchen, mincing the days finest cuts of duroc story pork to blend with the most topical white wine and cognac, juniper berries, and pistachios which i gently bake in a bain marie to create for you the delicate pate de campagne terrine that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, folks, after getting thrown off a moving rail car by the hobos i betrayed to the yard boss, i scrape together the remnants of a halfeaten taco in my pocket and the tobacco from a cigarette butt and mash it into whats left of a very ripe grapefruit husk, then douse it all with everclear and set it on fire to cook up the vagabonds trash scrapple of news that is my segment. Meanwhile stephen gotta learn circular breathing. Thats the only oxygen tank i need. Meanwhile, last week a wholeass wheel just straight up fell off a boeing airplane during takeoff. Take a look. Jim, what have we got . Taking off and. Goodbye in a statement, boeing said, dont worry. No one was hurt because the wheels fall was broken by a door that blew off one of our other planes. Meanwhile, in new jersey news, a man tried to make a viral tiktok by recording himself dunking his head, facefirst, in a barrel of pickles at a Convenience Store and deli. He then turned himself into the police. You can see a dramatic reenactment on this weeks episode of law order svu, special vlasic unit. Meanwhile, a scorpion stung a man in his testicles while he slept at a las vegas hotel. In the hotels defense, he did ask for a 6 00 a. M. Wakeup. Now, you know, you wanna believe this kind of thing is rare, but a hotel spokesperson said the resort has protocols for all incidents and we can confirm they were followed in this incident. So it happens enough that they have protocols for it. Hey, welcome to caesars palace. Heres your room key. If you need anything, please dial 1 for the concierge, 2 for room service, and 3 for snakebitmytaint. [applause] no, no, thats okay. Meanwhile, in gluten news, archeologists have discovered the worlds oldest bread in turkey. Not to be confused with the worlds oldest bread and turkey, which is at the Port Authority arbys. Researchers say the bread dates to 6600 bc. Which they were able to determine with such accuracy because it came with a little clip that said best by 6599 bc. Meanwhile, researchers say education might slow the pace of aging and increases longevity. But its a bit of a devils bargain. While you can add years to your life, they will be nerd years. [laughter] like this. [cheering] meanwhile, a 4,000yearold lipstick uncovered in iran may be the oldest ever found. It explains maybellines new slogan maybe shes born with it. Maybe she died 4,000 years ago in iran. Apparently, the ancient tube is uncannily similar to modern ones. Which means it was discovered with a broken cap and covered in bagel crumbs at the bottom of your purse. Meanwhile, movie star Harrison Ford says John Williams score for Indiana Jones follows him wherever he goes, saying, when i had my last colonoscopy, they were playing it on the operating room speakers. Even worse, this was the doctors reaction when he saw his colonoscopy results. [screaming] stephen meanwhile, after a recent incredible 35 points in one game, indiana states star Center Robbie Avila has been dubbed by the internet cream abduljabbar. Thats quite the nickname. Other options they considered were milk chamberlain, and shaquille oatmeal. Well be right back with Kristen Stewart if your moderate to severe Crohns Disease or Ulcerative Colitis symptoms are stopping you in your tracks. Choose stelara® from the start. And move toward relief after the first dose. With injections every two months. Stelara® may increase your risk of infections, some serious, and cancer. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flulike symptoms, sores, new skin growths, have had cancer, or if you need a vaccine. Pres, a rare, potentially fatal brain condition, may be possible. Some serious allergic reactions and lung inflammation can occur. Feel unstoppable. Ask your doctor how lasting remission can start with stelara®. Janssen can help you explore cost support options. Smile. Thank you. Unbelievable. Are you wearing this just to get recognized . No. Its comfortable. Love the suit. Tell your driver when you return the car, well fill it up for you. Nice to have a little status. Its not you, its tmobile magenta status. Drive driver got a special rate on my hilton stay its tmobile. good night. You dont need to be famous to get premium benefits from brands you love, thats magenta status. Switch to tmobile and well pay off your phone. Up to 800 bucks. You know that feeling of having to rewash dishes that didnt get clean . I dont. Platinum plus is cascades best clean ever. With double the dawn and double the scrubbers, it removes the toughest grease and residue for an irresistible clean and shine. Cascade platinum plus. Dare to dish differently. oldest girl someday, ill be the first female president. Cascade platinum plus. Of the universe. middle boy someday, im gonna marry my baseball glove. Probably in vegas. youngest girl someday, ill help all balloon animals roam free. vo there are a lot of miles between today and someday. Your longlasting threerow Subaru Ascent will get your family there. Ninetysix percent of Subaru Vehicles sold in the past ten years are still on the road. middle boy someday, ill be able to read dogs minds. Hes thinking squirrels. luke so. I hear some of you are concerned about the fact that im taking over the company. Well, rest assured, companys in great hands. Marci, hit the vid. both lukes homesdotcom. Weve done your home work. luke now, that is worth celebrating brad i love it. luke thank you. brad home. Work. Very clever. vo ding dong luke vo homesdotcom. Business. Its not a ninetofive proposition. Its all day and into the night. Its all the things that keep this world turning. The gotos that keep us going. The places we cheer. And check in. They all choose the advanced Network Solutions and round the clock partnership from comcast business. See why comcast business powers more Small Businesses than anyone else. Get started for 49. 99 a month plus ask how to get up to an 800 prepaid card. Dont wait call today. Stephen thank you, louis. Hey, welcome back, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an oscar nominated actress you know from the twilight franchise, clouds of sils maria, and spencer. Her new film is love lies bleeding. Hey. The machine is over there. Its broken. There you go. You are langstons daughter. He said old friend of mine. How is your old man . My old man. Hes a piece of [. ] we dont talk. Your mom, you know where i could find her . Why . Just to talk. Well, ill tell you what. When youre feeling more friendly, give us a call. Stephen please welcome back to the late show, Kristen Stewart. [cheers and applause] [cheering] nice to see you again. Kristen same. Stephen you look absolutely lovely. Thank you for being here. Kristen lik