Tucker carlson presents jaws. We wantnted to k know what is going onon in thehe ocean. Thanks t to the neww repepublicn speakerrs office,e, we gainedd accecess to thouousands of h hof surveillanance video t that help answer that question. It does prove beyond doubt that democrats in Congress Lied about the socalled shark attack. And once you see the video, youll understand why. Watch. Baby shark, doodoo, doodoodoodoo baby shark, doodoo, doodoodoodoo baby shark, doodoo, doodoodoodoo baby shark thats what really happened. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight. Shut the tuck up first, stephen welcomes james taylor. And eva longoria. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen whoo you are my friends. Please make yourself comfortable. I missed this last night. Happy tuesday. Happy tuesday, tuesday. Thank you, everybody. Hey, everybody please have a seat, everybody. Thank you very much. Very kind. Welcome, one and all, in here, out there, all around the world. To the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Thanks in large part of the former president , theres a whole industry of people who make a good living trying to make you think youre insane. Well, i make a very good living reminding you that youre not. [cheers and applause] now, youd think that once the people gaslighting you have been revealed to be liars, say, in multiple Text Messages in a 1. 6 billion court filing by dominion voting systems, they would pump the brakes. But apparently, some people are just addicted to being dicks. Case in point. Fox news host and toddler sucking on a dog turd, Tucker Carlson. Heres what happened. In order to become speaker, Kevin Mccarthy had to make a lot of stupid promises to a lot of awful people, like matt gaetz. One of those promises was to release 41,000 hours of capitol Surveillance Footage from the january 6th riot, because the Freedom Caucus helped cause that most tragic day in our nations capital, and they desperately need someone, anyone, to create propaganda to make it seem like it was no big deal, so they can stay in office, and maybe do a better coup next time . And mccarthy kept his promise. He gave all that footage to Tucker Carlson, who, last night, cherrypicked innocuous clips to try to rewrite what we all saw happening with our own eyes on january 6th. They were peaceful. They were orderly and meek. These were not insurrectionists. They were sightseers. Stephen sightseers . Sightseers, really . Grab a rock, honey. Were going to the louvre i want to peacefully smear my crap on the mona lisa. See if she keeps smiling after that he lied some more. Footage from inside the capitol overturns the story you have heard about january 6th. Protesters queue up in neat little lines. They give each other tours outside the speakers office. They take cheerful selfies and they smile. They are not destroying the capitol. They obviously revere the stephen yes, yes, obviously they revere the capitol so much that they queued up neatly to smash the windows. We all remember their chant. Wait your turn wait your turn wait your turn Stephen Tucker also talked about the q shaman, the rioter who was caught with the spear and the bare chest and the screaming. The q shaman had this to say about his own behavior on january 6th. He said, i was wrong for entering the capitol. I have no excuse, no excuse whatsoever. The behavior is indefensible. Maybe so, but tucker indefended him. The single most famous person arrested that day was a navy veteran from arizona called jacob chansley, often referred to as the qanon shaman. The tapes show the Capitol Police never stopped jacob chansley. They helped him. They acted as his tour guides. Stephen okay, but the Capitol Police said that their officer only did that in order to deescalate the situation because the officer was outnumbered. Evidently, Tucker Carlson has never seen a hostage negotiation. No one was scared of the man in the bomb vest. In fact, officials were saying they would give him whatever he wants. They ordered him pizza and gave him a Million Dollars and a helicopter ride to the location of his choice. Is that really how you treat an enemy . Tucker also took issue with the footage from the january 6th committee that showed senator josh hawley hawleying ass. According to tucker, that footage is deceptive. The actual videotape shows that hawley was one of many lawmakers being ushered out of the building by Capitol Hill Police officers. And in fact, hawley was at the back of the pack. Stephen i stand corrected. Josh hawley is not just some hypocritical coward. Hes a hypocritical coward who runs slower than 70yearolds. And may i remind you, just a couple. Just a couple little things. Thats all. And may i remind you, those people were all running for their lives from what tucker describes as meek sightseers. It reminds me of the scene from lord of the rings. And were walking, and were stomping, and were stomping and were marching. Wheres the gift shop . Stephen tuckers fascist fanboying was such transparent propaganda that it didnt even play well with members of the g. O. P. North carolina senator thom tillis said this of tuckers report. I think its bull[bleep]. I was here. Stephen language, senator. Please. Nancy pelosi, how would you describe it . Poo poo. Stephen yes. A kinder, gentler. Tucker can try to change the narrative all he wants. But we all know what we saw that day. Including the man who cynically handed over this footage, Kevin Mccarthy. Heres mccarthy calling into fox news in desperation on january 6th. First of all, this is so unamerican. I condemn any ofthis violence thats happening in the capitol right now. Anyone involved in this, if youre hearing me, hear me very loud and clear, this is not the american way. People are being hurt. People people are being people are being hurt, theres been shots that have been fired, this is unacceptable. I watched barriers being broken. I watched people breaking windows. I watched people running into a building. You do not do what is happening right now. Stephen im sorry, im being told we have tuckers edit of mccarthys phone call. First of all, this is so american. Hear me very loud and clear, people are being acceptable. Shots. Shots. Shots. Stephen now, for something. Baby shark for something that tucker says didnt happen, there sure are a lot of people pleading guilty to doing it. Yesterday the Justice Department arrests hit 1,000 in connection with january 6th. Thats right 1,000 arrests johnny, tell the American People what theyve won still no consequences for the man who incited the whole coup we demand justice and a new dinette set from broyhill. Broyhill nothing means anything back to you, steve. Stephen and now the feds have arrested the january 6th rioter dubbed spidernazi. Spidernazi spidernazi did a coup and he got caughtzi broke inside thought hed get off hes the bug version of adolf look out here comes the spidernazi this dummys name is Brandon Kelly dillard, seen here with the only women wholl ever talk to him. The charges are pretty bad, including illegal entry, disorderly conduct, and uttering loud, threatening, or abusive language in the capitol building. Spider nazi will be tried alongside his fellow knockoff superheroes captain unmerica, and a group of mutants called the never had sex men. Of course, the guy who inspired spider nazi is running for president again. Hes reportedly already eyeing potential running mates, and he wants somebody who is unfailingly loyal and bland enough that they dont steal any spotlight. Thats right. Blander than mike pence. Get ready for his running mate slice of wet bread. 2024. But. [cheers and applause] but the former president is trying to win over suburban white women, so he might have to go lady bland. According to people close to him, hes strongly considering picking a female running mate. And reportedly, the current frontrunner is failed arizona gubernatorial candidate kari lake, seen here wearing a blouse she shed last week. [applause] quality joke. Quality joke. Thats a stroker. Lake lost her election and refuses to admit it. But she has got one win under her belt. This weekend, she won a straw poll for the republican v. P. Pick during cpac. She must have been so honored to have maga voters choose her as the next Vice President they try to hang. But lake found a way to deny this election as well, saying through a spokesperson, were flattered, but unfortunately our legal team says the constitution wont allow for her to serve as governor and vp at the same time. Thats a good point. Kari lake is currently the sitting governor of the state of denial. Speaking. [applause] is that good . Were done . Speaking of dangerous idiots, elon musk is still running twitter. And technically, running it into the ground. Because yesterday, twitter was hit with one of the biggest outages since musk took over. During the appwide outage, users could not access photos or links. Thats rough. Everyone knows the links are the best part of twitter cause they take you away from twitter. But twitter, dont you worry. If you were worried. Dont worry. Twitter is back up now, and after a quick investigation, it was revealed that just one engineer caused all those problems. And that person is the last remaining site reliability engineer. Its not their fault. Theres only one guy. We have footage from inside twitter headquarters of that engineer trying to keep up. [cartoon music] weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are james taylor and eva longoria. But when we come back, meanwhile. Wont you . Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert, sponsored by the makekers of zyryrtec. Letts be more e than our allelergies and for fafast allergygy relif withth a powerfuful decongeses, try y zyrtecd. Still liviving with ododors . Get back i in there and d freshen ininstantly with febebreze air m mist. Febrbrezes finene mist floas longer in n the air to fightht even your t toughest ododors. So long ststinky smelllls and hellllo amazing g fresh. Febreze aiair mist. Wwhen you bubundle your r e or renteters with yoyour , progressssive providides protn for almomost everyththing you. Butut do you rereally need. My weighthted hoop . Itss for my snsnatched wai. Foot treadmillll. Purse that says purse. My tuesday chalice. Lake making kit. Mushroom humidifier. Futuriristic coat t rack. Tetells you hohow many coaos are on it. T. Twtwo. Afafter cookining a delicicis chickeken cheddarr brococcoli recipipe, you wiwill want toto delete all yoyour deliverery apps. Bebecause noththing beatss a peperfect combmbo of sweet tomatoes and smooth, silky zucchini. Knorr r taste combmbos. Its notot fast foodod, bubut its soooooo good. [s[stomach grorowling] itits nothingng. Sounds l like someththing. Whwhen you havave nausea, heartbururn, indigesestion upset t stomach, d diarrhea pepto bismsmol cocoats and sosoothes for fastst relief whwn yoyou need it most. Stephen hey, everybody give it up for louis cato and the late show band right over there. Louis. Oh, louis. People coming back on the show tonight. One just is a lovely person to be with, let alone a great artist. James taylors going to be here. And just an incredibly talented and thoughtful, wellinformed young lady, eva longoria is going to be out here in just a little while too. Folks, if you watch the show you know i spend most of my time in the news kitchen simmering the days freshest story chicken in the most topical coconut milk, then adding the newsiest galangal and kaffir lime leaves, and a dash of tiparos nam pla and palm sugar to serve you the perfectly balanced tom kha kai that is my monologue. But sometimes i wake up in the scoop of a backhoe on a deserted construction site, toss in half a discarded baloney sandwich and the swill from a crumpled can of mr. Pibb into a cracked paint bucket, add some grass clippings and leave it in the sun to offer you the bootleg trash gumbo of news that is my segment, meanwhile. [cheers and applause] meanwhile, the filter through hich i see the world. Meanwhile, the National Parks service is warning that, despite what you may have heard in some old jokes, you should never push a slower friend down in a bear encounter. That notice from renowned wildlife expert, your slowest friend. Meanwhile, over half a dozen sheep recently escaped a slaughterhouse in new jersey. The escape happened because the official responsible for counting the sheep at the slaughterhouse kept falling asleep. [applause] meanwhile, we all know that the favorite senior past time, pickleball, is taking over the country, which has led to countless turf battles over tennis court space. And now the great pickleball war has reached the d. C. Area. Virginias Arlington County wants to build nine new pickleball courts, but homeowners in the area hate the idea so much theyve started distributing flyers that accuse pickleball players of hijacking tennis and basketball courts, bullying children, and urinating in public. Come on, seniors pickleball is not an excuse to urinate in public thats aquarobics. Meanwhile. Foam weight. Little foam weight. Meanwhile, after legal challenges brought by swiss cheesemakers, a u. S. Court has ruled that americanmade cheese can be called gruyere. While kraft singles must now be correctly labeled as plastic bath mat soaked in yellow. Meanwhile, we have some breaking news about the breaking of a royal tradition. Its been announced that the Holy Anointing Oil for King Charles Iiis coronation will not contain the intestinal wax of sperm whales or civet secretions. What . That makes no sense if a kings head isnt greased with whale intestine wax and secretions from a nocturnal tropical rodent, then, im sorry, but hereditary rulers starts to sound kind of stupid. The sacred head goo traditionally contains oil from the glands of small mammals such as civets, and ambergris, a waxy substance from the intestines of sperm whales that is called chrism oil. But in this case, Buckingham Palace is using a civet and whalefree alternative called i cant believe its not chrism well be right back with james taylor. nissan h has a car f for ever. e engine revvvving everery driver w who wants m. More tururbo. momore freedomom. more elelectric. enginine revving g at nissan,n, more is a all we. nissanan mnemonic c my frequenent heartbururn he takingng antacid afteter antacid d all day log but with p prilosec ototc just one p pill a dayy blocks heartburn for a full 24 hours. For onone and donene heartbun rerelief, prililosec otc. One pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. Boring. With over 40 delicious flavors, cirkul starts a party for your taste buds. No sugar, no calories, and no artificial flavors. Cirkul. Its your water, your way. Now with even more flavors. Available at walmart or drinkcirkul. Com. With scocope squeezz momouthwash coconcentrate, just add w water, squeeze e to controlol the streh of your r mouthwash,h, anand find a z zone all yoyour. Scope squeueez. Thisis october 1 10th and 111, prime bibig deal dayays give p prime membebers exclclusive accecess toto two days s of big savavi. Whicich means, youure kind ofof a big dea. Prprime big dedeal days, octotober 10th and 11th. Only f for prime m members. vo ultimate endless shrimp is here prprime big dedeal days, octotober 10th and 11th. With a limited time flavor drop. New crispy dragon shrimp. One of seven endless choices. Right now, only at red lobster. Welcome to fun dining. Somemetimes jonanah wrestles wiwith fallingng asleep. So he takakes zzzquili. The worlrlds 1 sleleep aid d for a betttter night s sl. Soso now, he w wakes up feeleling like h himself. The rereigning famamily room middlewweight chamampion. Better days starart with zzzquil nights. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, what a pleasure. What a pleasure for me to tell you that my first guest tonight is a sixtime grammy awardwinning rock n roll hall of famer. Please welcome back to the late show, our friend and yours, mr. James taylor. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] james thats encouraging. Stephen very nice. Nice to see you again. James youre the man. Stephen last time you were here, you were doing a weeklong residency at the show, had a wonderful time. Wonderful time with the band. James great working with louis. It was terrific. It wasnt lost on me that you played pat mathenys james. Louis [laughs] stephen you cant put anything past james taylor. I understand youre going to do a week residency in las vegas. Now, i dont necessarily associate sweet baby james with the strip, daddio. Are you a vegas guy . Do you enjoy the bright lights . The big city . The roll of the dice, the showgirls, that kind of stuff . James its true, particularly in the beginning there was a line of demarcation between what we considered our music, the music postbeatles, postdylan. Sort of what had gone before, and that line, vegas was on the other side of that. Stephen you didnt spend a lot of time in vegas when youre a young artist . James no. No, i didnt. I pretty much avoided the place for quite a few years. Its sort of like the character that bill murray used to have. The lounge lizard. Stephen sure, sure. Starwars talking about star wars james yeah, so to begin with there was sort of a vegas phobia. But you know, as time passes, things change. I think stephen let me write that down. Let me write that down. Time passes. Passes. Things what did you say things do . Change. Change. James taylor. Got it. James you sort of get dragged to the middle politically and culturally. As time passes. You know, i did a residency a couple years ago in las vegas and it was great. Stephen what kind of show do you do . Is it a lot of glitz . Are there white tigers or anything like that . James whatever we can scare up, we will definitely use. No, its pretty much, we just take the show that we are touring that year, the set that we are playing, just park it in vegas for about ten days, which is a great relief for the band and crew not to have to break it down and then set it up once a day and to be able to stay in one place. Stephen what about you . Do you like being in one place or do you like the circus life . James no,