A commercial jet, you know that the real cost of flying isnt just financial, its emotional. Thats why the airlines are teaming up with werner herzog, the only man capable of truly conveying the psychological cost of flying. Im werner herzog, and this is the price of a oneway ticket from orlando to cleveland. As you sit idling on the tarmac for 55 minutes pretake off, you not only lose a fraction of your soul, but its as if that part of you never existed, and when you turn around to give a dirty look to the toddler roundhouse kicking the back of your seat, you see in his face yourself as a child and feel compelled to warn him that things are not going to be okay. By the end of the flight, you realize you are what you eat a mini pretzel, twisted and malformed, covered in crystals that taste of tears. And coming soon, departure updates from johnny cash. 13 hour delay announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. First, stephen welcomes samuel l. Jackson and clarissa ward. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey [cheers and applause] proud of my boy. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Welcome everyone. Welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheers and applause] folks, i was. I want you to know we had every plan in the world to start tonights monologue by talking about what i was gonna talk about in tomorrows monologue, the latest january 6th hearing. But we just learned this afternoon that the committee has postponed tomorrows hearing, saying, quote, no, its for a good reason. In light of Hurricane Ian bearing down on parts of florida, we have decided to postpone tomorrows proceedings. That is understandable. We hope everybody in florida stays safe. Please, if you can, get out of the storms path. Worst case scenario. [applause] worst case scenario, tell ron desantis youre venezuelan, maybe he gives you a free plane ride to marthas vineyard. [applause] one event that will not be delayed is the midterm elections, and things arent looking great for Republican Senate candidate and vampire distracted. [booing] okay, but how do you really feel . And vampire distracted by your throbbing jugular, dr. Mehmet oz. Dr. Oz has been trailing in the polls for the whole race behind pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor and halffinished wooly willy, john fetterman. Recently, oz went on a rightwing podcast and pointed out that fetterman often wears hoodies and cargo shorts on the campaign trail, then tried to use those fashion choices to attack the Lieutenant Governor. Only his insult didnt really come across as very insulting. When he dresses like that, its not an accident. Hes kicking authority in the balls. Hes saying, hey, im the man. Ill show those guys whos boss stephen yeah way to stick it to fetterman by making him seem. Cool . I tell ya. I tell ya when fetterman dresses like that, he looks like a man you dont wanna mess with. A man who knows what he wants. Also, have you seen how huge he is . I just think id feel safe cradled in those burly, tattooed arms. Not long after that interview, fetterman responded with this actual tweet showing his new logo fetterman kicking authority in the balls. Thats how you do it, baby. Thats how you run the senate. Fantastic. That is fantastic. I dont know about authority, but he definitely just racked dr. Oz in the nuts. Speaking of people who should be kicked in the balls, vladimir putin. His war against ukraine has been going so badly that last week, he ordered a draft. This has been super unpopular, and to avoid it, a lot of russians are getting the hell out of dodgeski, especially to neighboring georgia, resulting in a line of over 5,000 cars thats at least 10 miles long. And im told we have footage from a helicopter. Bob, traffics pretty backed up along the georgian border. So if youre thinking of fleeing forced conscription, head out early and pack a snack now back sergei with sports. Permanently i have a helicopter and i am outta here see ya, suckers stephen those who havent managed to flee. [applause] ivan . Ivan in the skyski . What was that . Those who havent managed to flee are finding other ways out of service. Because mobilized russians have been calling a hotline to ask how to surrender. We actually called that hotline this afternoon and we have the recording. Welcome to the surrender hotline. For information on how to surrender, press 1. For showtimes for minions the rise of gru, press 2. Para espanol, oprime la estrella. [beep] stephen and to get. [applause] sure. Like that rise of gru. Good movie. And i get why they want to preemptively surrender. Check out this leaked video of a group of soldiers reportedly being told what to pack for the front lines. Get your girlfriends and wives to get sanitary pads. The cheapest pads plus the cheapest tampons. You all know what the tampons are for . You shove it right into the bullet wound, and the tampon expands and applies pressure to the wound. Stephen tampons to plug gunshot wounds . That is awful. Plus, so awkward to ask for. Gah ive been shot ive been shot does anybody have a [whispering] tampon . [applause] go to the bathroom together . Not everyone is fleeing russia. Some folks are putting down roots, like nsa whistleblower and grandson who showed up to the funeral dressed like that . Edward snowden. Ever since leaking details of the nsas domestic surveillance program, snowden has been living in exile in russia, yesterday, it was announced that he was granted russian citizenship. That is a rough bit of timing, bud. Congratulations, new citizen. Put right hand on potato and repeat after me. I, state your name. I, state your name. Solemnly swear to immediately go to be exploded in ukraine. Here is passport and weapon sharpened tampon. Other people. [scattered applause] true story. Thats based on a true story. [applause] other people are achieving russian citizenship by force. Because putin has made occupied parts of ukraine vote on joining russia in sham referendums. [booing] and im being told we have a copy of that ballot. Should ukraine join russia . Da, super da, or dahhh i am falling out of window very slippery floors. Very slippery floors. A lot of bananas. They eat a lot of bananas in the penthouse. According to one ukrainian mayor, the getoutthevote effort has been exactly what youd think. They bang loudly, they ring the doorbell, they give people a ballot, and point with their rifles where to put the mark. And of course like all elections, it is being run by elderly volunteers. Dingdong. Hello, tavarech. Heres your ballot. Vote in the right way or ill pop a cap in your ass. Okay. All right. Theres a bake sale down there. Staying overseas, in the u. K. , Buckingham Palace has released King Charles Iiis official monogram design. Take that, people who say the monarchy is an Outdated Institution that does nothing they release monograms. Just in case. [applause] very important. Just in case you want to buy the king of england a bath towel. We have it . Take a look. Okay, thats pretty good its classy. It features the kings initial intertwined with the letter r. R for rex, latin for king, and intertwined for years of inbreeding. Weve got an update. See, he wouldnt like it. Its a long story. Weve got an update from outer space. Last night, i told you about nasas dart mission, which is a test to see if they could knock a planetkiller asteroid off course and save the earth. They tried a little miniversion on a space rock that wasnt presently threatening us, and guess what . The dart Mission Successfully slammed into the asteroid theres the slam right there. In your face in your face, asteroids planet saved. We think. Because even though it was a direct hit, it will take about two months for scientists to determine if the asteroids orbit has changed. So if this were a real emergency, id be telling you, folks, we may have saved the planet. Well find out in two months. Until then, theres only one thing to do spend time with those you love, and together, sign up for a free 2month trial of paramount paramount were all gonna die why not . [applause] watch that yellowstone. Watch that yellowstone. Thats pretty fun. This mission was tricky. Essentially, they hit a bullet with a smaller bullet that they shot ten months ago. But they nailed it, earning this joyful celebration of the moment of impact. Three, two, one. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh, wow, awaiting visual confirmation. [clapping] all right we got it . We have impact and we have impact. A triumph for humanity in the name of planetary defense. Ooh, fantastic. Oh, fantastic. Oh stephen look at those happy nerds i am so happy for them. That is lovely. Quite an achievement. When they landed that double highfive this is a lot like what happens every night with the writers who work here at late show mission control. Here they are watching a live feed of last nights opening monologue. Hes setting up the joke. Ten, nine, eight, seven seconds to punch line. Five, four, three, two, comedy. Stephen do you want fries with that . We have laughter. Stephen the answer is yes. [cheering] and the joke landed, and in two months, well find out if it was funny. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are samuel l. Jackson and cnns clarissa ward. But when we return, i introduce you to the hottest driving new app. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by Liberty Mutual insurance. 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Im grateful for everybody that wants to come talk to this clown. But tonight we have, from the cnn, their senior international, correspondent clarissa ward, is here tonight, amazing. She goes everywhere she does everything. And also the legendary samuel l. Jackson is here tonight. [cheers and applause] louis whoo stephen fun fact, the l stands for legendary. Louis did not know that. Stephen folks, im a bit of a tech head. Dont believe me . Ask jeeves. And. [applause] very good crowd. One technology that i particularly love is rideshare apps. They are perfect for when you want to get to your destination but you also want to put your life in the hands of a sleepdeprived stranger. Its been a difficult few years for Industry Leaders uber and lyft. Theyve lost billions of dollars, and many drivers have quit, but now new startups are emerging that promise to treat their drivers better, such as alto, which gives annual compensation, the drivers cooperative, which promises a share of the profits and wridz, which gives 100 of the cab fares to the driver. Um, hey, wridz. Thats great but maybe save just a little bit of that money for spell check. There is one new rideshare startup that has found a Business Model that ensures it will keep all of its drivers happy. Take a look. Looking for a new rideshare app . Car is almost here. Uber . No. Lyft . Nope. Im trying something new. Midwestern dad for mark . Introducing midwestern dad, the only rideshare app that guarantees to have no problem keeping our drivers happy. Looks like we get to spend a little time together. Because lets face it, dads just love driving you around. Midwestern dad is the only car service that goes exclusively to and from airports with the occasional stop at the hardware store. Just gotta grab Something Real quick. Just needed some screws, but these babies were on sale. Okay. Said hes approaching but it said that for ten minutes. Can i hold your sign . Oh, cool. With midwestern dad, you pay by putting up with fights with the gps. What is with these google maps . I think thats your gmail app. H, wow, singles in my area. Rambling stories. My buddy dennis reudermann used to live around here. Who . And of course, steely dan. I think its our turn. Yeah. The best midwestern dad, the only ride share that tips you. Heres 20 bucks. I cant take this. Take it. Youre gonna need it in the city. Come here, you. I love you. And coming soon, midwestern mom. You want to get some food in the terminal . Stop. I packed you sandwiches. Thank you. All right. Come on. Mmhmm. All right. Travel safely. Thank you very much. Take pictures. I will. Stephen well be right back with samuel l. Jackson. This o october 10t0th and 11t, prime big g deal dayss give pririme membersrs exclususive accessss to t two days ofof big savini. Which h means, yourere kind of a a big dea. Primime big dealal days, octobeber 10th and 11th. Only foror prime memembers. screams bleedingng gums aree serious, jamie. Dr. Garcia . Woah. Theyrre a sign of bacteterial infecection. Crest gum m detoxifyss antibactcterial fluouoride ws below w the gumlinine to hp heal gumums and stopop bleed. Crest saveves the day. Y. Crest. vo ultimate endless shrimp is here with a limited time flavor drop. New crispy dragon shrimp. One of seven endless choices for just 20. Right now, only at red lobster. Welcome to fun dining. New emergenc crystals pop and fizz when you throw them back. And who doesnt love a good throwback . [sfx video game] emergenc crystals. Hi, im sharon, and i lost 52 pounds on golo. On other diets, i could barerely lose 101015 pounds. Thanks to golo, ive lost 27 of my body weight, and itit was easy. Y. soft music ininez, let meme ask you, youure using h head and shououlders, rigight . Onlyly when i sesee flakes. Then i s switch backck toto my regulalar shampooo yoyou should u use it everery , otherwise e the flakeses will c come back. Hes rigight, you knknow. Is thahat tiny troroy . The e ingredientnts in head anand shoulderers keep thehe microbess ththat cause f flakes at b b. Microbes, really . Theyre alalways on yourur scalp. L. Little rascsc. But good n news, theres s no itchineness, drdryness or f flakes downwn i loveve tiny troyoy. Hehes the besest. Makeke every wasash count little helelp, please. E. Stephen hey, everybody thank you, louis. Thank you, mr. Lampley. Welcome back, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an actor and one bad mondaytofriday. Please welcome back to the late show, samuel l. Jackson [cheers and applause] lay down my burden down by the riverside down by the riverside gonna lay down my burdens down by the riverside [cheers and applause] samuel that was incredible. Yeah you got a new band all right stephen there you go. Samuel oh, papas got a brandnew band. I like it. Stephen mr. Samuel l. Jackson, its lovely to see you again. Samuel thank you, so lovely to be able to come back and do this again. Stephen in person, we saw you. Zoom over a year ago was the last time we were together. Samuel exactly. Stephen this is so much nicer. There is something ineffable. Some micronutrients that get passed between two people when are you together. Samuel it is the whole kind of reason im here in new york and being back in front of a Live Audience and having the whole live thing happening. Its kind of awesome. Stephen yeah, those that dont know, you are starring in the piano lesson, written by the great August Wilson. Previews started last week. How are you feeling about being back on broadway . Samuel its amazingly energizing. I had forgotten. Stephen how long had it been . Samuel i think maybe seven years or so last time i was on broadway. I was doing a play called the mountain top with angela bassett. Right before i did django. I literally went from being Martin Luther king to being steven, the most hated negro in cinematic history after playing Martin Luther king. And being back on broadway, you forget, i started here. I pounded the pavement i did plays all the time, you forget how energizing and how you look forward every night to meeting new people and that energy and what that does to you. Stephen you have an opportunity to make that connection in a different