Announcer its a late show live with Stephen Colbert tonight the final shoutdown. Plus stephen welcomes live andrew cuomo and musical guesstimatguest,matt berninger. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. Now live from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome one and all to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert, and we are live. Wheres the thing . Does it say live anywhere . Live following the final president ial debate of 2020. Tonight was Donald Trumps very last chance to make his closing argument. Please ignore what hes like and everything hes ever done. And tonight ill tell you if he pulled it off in tonights brandnew last ever setting the 2020 president ial debate. Old man slap two. Lled it off in the pursuit to mute blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah. Bah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. crashing sounds blah, blah, blah blah blah. Blah, blah, blah blah blah crashing sounds stephen hes fine. Now, having seen tonights debate, there are blah, blah, blah blah blah. Stephen no back, back laughter its impossible to keep him off the furniture. Tonight had its ups and downs, but the highlight for me was that well never have to watch donald trump debate ever again. Counting the 2016 republican toni primary, weve watched him do that 16 times. Its excruciating its like dental surgery and tonight was like getting our last wisdom tooth taken out. Yes, it hurt. And yes we can still taste the blood in our mouths. L surgery andthe last chance for trump to be seen by millions of eyeballs for free, and thats important, because hes hurting for cash. Its drying up. In recent weeks, his campaign has pulled millions of dollars in planned Television Ads aimed at voters in midwestern states including michigan, wisconsin, minnesota, ohio, and iowa. After tonight, his best hope for free advertising is standing on a Street Corner with one of those flippy arrows. And lead up to the debate, the president s advisors pleaded with him to be softer. Soft he can. Do ive seen the man in tennis shorts. But did it help . Tonights Moderator Kristen Welker did a great job. She started by reminding everyone of the rules. At the beginning of each section, each candidate will have two minutes uninterrupted to answer my first question. The Debate Commission will then turn on their microphone only when it is their turn to answer. Wd the commission will turn it off exactly when the two minutes have expired. On behalf of the voters, im going to ask you to please speak one at a time stephen okay. Why are we pretending this is for both of them . The rule only applies to one guy. This is like mayor mccheese holding a town hall and starting outby saying, remember, nobody burgle any hamburgers, please. She kept them on subject, admirably. The first subject was trumps catastrophic covid response, which, of course, was a subject he didnt want to touch, which is why, earlier this week, his Campaign Manager sent a letter to the Debate Commission complaining about the topics for not being focused more on Foreign Policy. Oh, i have a noncovid question on Foreign Policy how come other countries wont let us go there anymore . Trump says that were going to get a vaccine and hell give it to everyone faster than any experts have predicted. I think my timeline is going to be more accurate. I dont know that theyre counting on the military the way that i do, but we have our generals lined up, one in particular thats the head of logistics stephen thats one particular general, hes very good at logistics. Also, great at car insurance,er and he knows shaq, who i will have and yes i didnt make a mistake i dont know make a mistake. Its a live show. How could i make a mistake . What im trying to say is shaq, a good friend of mine, will drop the vaccine into your veins. But what i meant to say were live, right. Yes. Stephen the president had numbers even if they didnt make sense. 99. 9 of young people recover. Stephen why do you keep bragging about how young people are safe . You know old people there the ones that vote, right . Granny, i need you to vote for me like its the last thing you will ever do, which, fun fact, it might be. Trump said a lot of lies tonight including about the city im in right now. If you go and look at whats happened to new york, its a ghost town. Its a ghost town. Stephen mr. President , when you come to new york, those arent ghosts on the street, stose are people booooooing you trump talked about the number one scourge of the pandemic, dining restrictions. Peopln you talk about plexiglass, these are restaurants that are dying. Putting up plexiglass is unbelievably expensive. Youre going to sit there in a cubicle wrapped around in plastic. Stephen trump doesnt want to be wrapped in plastic. It kills a feeling and fit breaks you wind up with an eric. The subject turned to foreign election interference. And when biden answered he chose his words carefully. We are in a situation where we have Foreign Companies countries trying to interfere in the outcome of our election. His own National Security advisor told them that what is happening with his buddy well, i shouldnt well, i will his buddy, rudy giulian stephen incidentally, i shouldnt i will is also what rudy said to himself in that hotel room. Regarding personal taxes, biden distinguished himself from trump. I released all of my tax saturns, 22 years, go look at them. Stephen maybe later. I mean, i hate watching trump, but not enough to read two decades of itemized amtrak tickets. When trump tried to paint biden as corrupt the b. P. Hit back. Release your tax return and talk about corruption. Stephen you just got audit, jack put that in your w2 and deduct it come on laughter put thalso said oh, boy. Trump also said that the information about his tax returns was misleading. I prepaid my tax. Tens over the last number of years, tens of millions of dollars i prepaid. Stephen i also prepaid Stormy Daniels to shut up months before she spanked me. Its an installment plan. Trump tried to defend his personal finances. I have many Bank Accounts and theyre all listed and theyre all over the place. I mean, i was a business man doing business. Stephen trump sounds like three kids stacked in a trench coat pretending to be an adult. Im like a business man doing business. I love office and eat taxes with my coffee. Three tickets for the boobie movie, please. And in response to trumps attacks on bidens family, it finally happened. Theres a reason why hes bringing up all this malarkey. Stephen boom the first malarkey of the night hold on, lets just check my punch card here. Ive got the frequent malarkey card right there. Thats number one. Five more. And i get a free sub. Biden unveiled some big news about healthcare. What im going to do is pass obamacare with a public option and become bidencare. Stephen yes, bidencare, just like obamacare, but im e ing to guess way better dental. Welker asked trump what he wanted to have to replace obamacare, and here was his answer. So id like to terminate obamacare, come up with a brandnew beautiful healthcare. Stephen hold on, hold on. The details beautiful, healthcare, and thats all, brandne okay, thank you. Trump tried to call bidens bluecollar roots in scranton, pennsylvania into question. He doesnt come from scranton. Stephen did he just show me the long form birth certificate joe biden . Where do you think hes from, nairobis big Irish Catholic neighborhood . Then turned to the tragedy of the children trump t Trump Administration took from the parents at the southern border. The United States cant locate the parents of more than 500 children. How will they be reunited. Were working on it. Were trying very hard. Stephen well done, mr. President. You managed to summon all urgency and resolve of a guy looking under the couch for the tv remote. Trump then did an insane thing and tried to defend the Border Detention Centers for kids. They are so well taken care of, theyre in facilities that were so clean stephen yes, they stole the children, but the warehouse they store them in is so clean you could eat off the floor, itich they do, cause theres no furniture. Trump seemed to get spooked as the night went on, and started playing some of the classics, like immigrants are scary. Catch and release is a disaster. A murderer would come in, a rapist would come in, a very bad person would come in stephen uhhuh, immigrants are murderers and rapists. Thertrumps closing with the lie opened the entire nightmare with it. Jim, lets complete the entire circle. Goodbye sir . See you at the tribunals trump made an audacious claim ability his track record on race. I am the least racist person. I cant even see the audience because its so dark. Stephen there are all dinds of black people and mexicans hiding out there in the dark could be, i dont know, plotting and planning and waiting to pounce and i wouldnt even know because im so not racist. Then biden gave an impassioned closing argument. Nning andesent all of you whether you voted for me or against me and im going to make sure youre represented. Im going to give you hope, were going to move, choose science over fiction. Stephen science over figures, eggs over easiy. E ons over my hammy rooty tooty rich and fruity thats ihop, right . Thats a Huge International incident. Of course, the big question, who won the debate. Dr. Jill biden with an amazing matching mask dress ensemble. Im a sucker for floral plints or any kind of coordinated plan. And thats that. The finaluple debate. And americans have a tough choice to make now. Do they vote for joe biden on november 3 . Or do they vote for him early because the ultimate mute button is in your hands. Blah, blah blah blah. Stephen no, go away cat back weve got a great show for you tonight. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is here. Stick around. Back weve got a great show for you tonight. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is here. Stick around. Oh, oh, oh, ozempic® announcer onceweekly ozempic® is helping many people with type 2 diabetes like emily lower their blood sugar. A majority of adults who took ozempic® reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. Heres your a1c. Oh my a1c is under 7 announcer and you may lose weight. Adults who took ozempic® lost on average up to 12 pounds. I lost almost 12 pounds oh announcer for those also with known heart disease, ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as heart attack, stroke, or death. It lowers the risk. Oh and i only have to take it once a week. Oh oh, oh, oh, ozempic® announcer ozempic® is not for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. Do not share needles or pens. Dont reuse needles. Do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or Family History of medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. Stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, rash, or trouble breathing. Serious side effects may include pancreatitis. Tell your doctor if you have Diabetic Retinopathy or vision changes. Taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase low blood sugar risk. Common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. Some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. Onceweekly ozempic® is helping me reach my blood sugar goal. Oh, oh, oh, ozempic® you may pay as little as 25 for a 1month or 3month prescription. Ask your Health Care Provider today about onceweekly ozempic®. Push the button the time has come to galvanize stephen hey, everybody say hello to our friend mr. Jon batiste hey, jon, good to see ya jon i see you swinging in there. Stephen oh, baby, baby. Yeah, i was swinging like a gate. Jon oooh stephen how are you doing . Jon you know, the debate is always a harrowing experience to watch. I cant watch it. Stephen but you also cant look away. Jon right, exactly, its the worst thing. But, you know, other than that, im optimistic that were going to show up and vote and have the right result happen. Stephen i know youre voting early this weekend, right . Jon yeah. Stephen what are you going to do on election day itself . On election day itself im actually taking a band and im going to philly and were going to play for the voters as theyre waiting to vote. Were going to encourage people, its going to be a celebration ald were going to manifest the rightness. Stephen thats fantastic. Good luck with the manifestation. I know you will bring it. We always will. Stephen do you have any debate music for us before i go and do the lovely Governor Cuomo here . Let me change it up a little bit. Stephen jon batiste. Alchemizing. Thank you, john. Ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight is the a 6th governor to have the great state of new york, his new book, american crisis, is a New York Times oops best seller. Please welcome Governor Andrew Cuomo governor, your excellency, thanks for being here. Nice to see you again. Good to be wo with you, step. Stephen now, you and this great state of new york got some air time tonight. Trump said that new york used to be vibrant, now its dying, and he called new york city itself a ghost town. Would you like to respond on ightlf of your state . Yeah, well then you must be a ghost, stephen. Look, its nothing new. Trump hates new york. Feelings are probably mutual. We did the exact opposite that he has done on this covid situation. Hes lied to the nation about it, and we did the exact opposite. We had the worst situation in the country, maybe on the globe, ncause the federal government missed that the virus had left china, we want to europe and was coming here from china from europe. You know, the president loves to talk about the china ban. What he leaves out, stephen, is that it was in europe and it came here for three months before he did the european travel ban, and hes deceived the American People, and new york has done the exact opposite. We told the truth, were honest, we acknowledged it, we were smart about it, we are united, we Work Together and we brought the rate down now to one of the lowest rates in the United States of america. New york has a lower infection rate than the white house, stephen. So, yes. And i have been a critic of his, so i understand how he feels. Stephen for the record, im not a ghost, governor. Im just so pale that im translucent. He said a ghost town, and you are there. So i assume. Stephen no, i understand. But i can understand why people might mistake me for someone from the afterlife. You are also a frequent subject of trumps tweets. Why do you think hes fixated on you, sir . I think, first of all, i think the president basically is a bully, and hes accustomed to attacking someone and they back down, and when you attack a new yorker, a new yorker doesnt back down, and im not going to back down when im defending the people to have the state of new york, and hes just wrong. And the way to deal with a bully is you stand up to the bully. He has been deceiving the people of this country on covid, and over 200,000 people are dead. And, stephen, the worst is still ahead, as far as im concerned. Youre going to see a great government blunder when it goes to administer this vaccine. This is just another another scam that this president is playing. Rns ben Public Relations all ilong, and now he stands up there tonight and says, within weeks, theres going be a vaccine. Hes been saying within weeks since september 15th. And then what he doesnt want to answer is, and once theres a vaccine, how to you produce 600 million doses, and how do you administer it . I have a general. And is the general going to o oculate School Children and Senior Citizens in Nursing Homes . I mean, hes never had an idea about how to do this. Hes always denied it. Hes never even been engaged. He left it to all the states, and then he told the states dont do anything. And the states that listened to him now have higher death rates than before. State of florida that he loves to talk about as his model, they had over 100 people die in the state of florida. New york had 15. Under this president , about 1,000 people die every day. Thats three, four, five times the number in the u. K. And mexico and france and spain and italy. It has been an atrocity, and the worst part of it is, forget the politics, people have died because of it. Stephen it is a massive, i was going to say slowrolling tragedy, but, unfortunately, its a fastrolling tragedy, the number of deaths every day. Because the white house and the the administration did not take this seriously from the beginning matter of fact, played it down and lied to the people. But if i can talk about the politics for a moment, obviously its the right thing to do for the American People to have taken this seriously, but its also the right thing for him. Mony, not that you did everything right from the beginning, but the people of new york saw that you took this peoously, and that you did your best to mitigate, and you continue to do your best to mitigate the problem in new york and that on a daily basis you kept them informed, he could have had all that good wealth in the American People by seeing he cared. The American People know theres a problem and they can tell hes lying. Why not for his own sake wouldnt he take this seriously . Yeah, because a skunk doesnt stop sm