Texas, ohio,uple stand back and stand by, somebodys got to do something about antifa bark, bark and white supremacy. boing announcer its the daily distancing show with Stephen Colbert. Stephen welcomes ethan hawke and Mueller Investigation prosecutor around around, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. Now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater of this building in new york city. Stephen colbert stephen hi, everybody. Nice to see you. Weve got a little camera push tonight. Welcome to a late show. Im your shows Stephen Colbert lets get right to the breaking news there was a debate two days ago. Its been 48 hours, and ive rinsed almost all the blood out of my mouth. Tuesdays debate was a colossal waste of time that diminished everyone unfortunate enough to have watched it, just ask moderator and man demonstrating how much control he had over the debate, chris wallace. Yesterday, wallace described the experience as a terrible missed opportunity. Kind of a tame way to describe an unmitigated disaster. Id love to see you cover the hindenburg. And the frame is crashing to the ground not quite to the morning mast. Oh the missed opportunity laughter even trumps inner circle was shaken by the president s awful performance. As cnns dana bash reports i will tell you one person who is familiar with his debate prep, anderson, said they prepared him to be aggressive but not to be jason from friday the 13th. Stephen okay, not fair. They might both be giant lumbering maniacs who have a lot of blood on their hands, but at least jason wears a mask and the reactions in the Republican Party at large arent any better. G. O. P. Senators described the debate as awful and an embarrassment and apparently trumps performance stokes fears among republicans about november. Oh, now theyre worried . as senator i dunno. When he ignored a pandemic and paid no taxes and called dead soldiers suckers and losers, and asked ukraine to interfere in our elections and was credibly accused of multiple sexual assaults, i thought, thats my guy but then he interrupted chris wallace, and im starting to worry were backing the wrong horse. Also, did you hear what he did to that horse . Tuesday night was so bad that yesterday, the commission on president ial debates announced it will be making changes to the format of the remaining two debates. Oh, can i suggest a small tweak to the format where we never have them again . But instead, the commission suggests cutting off the microphones of President Trump and joe biden if they break the rules. Okay, but if you do, trumps just gonna use semaphore and come on, why are they pretending these changes are aimed at both candidates . as moderator okay, im gonna cut the mic, if either of you goes off on a deranged tangent about shower pressure or how hot you find your daughter, ivanka. Either of you biden hoped that something would change, but he wasnt optimistic i hope that this next debate will be in front of reallife people. Its going to be a town hall. I am looking forward to it, i hope we are able to get a chance to answer the questions that are asked by the persons in the room. But god only knows what he will do. Stephen is that true, god . Do you know what trumps gonna do . Hell if i know, stephen. Ive had your country on mute for the last year. Is it still infrastructure week . ding gotta go, thats my sourdough. Stephen god, everybody. But Donald Trumps debate performance polled really well with one demo narcissists age 7474 who are him. cause heres what he said last night in minnesota. I really enjoyed last nights debate with sleepy joe. The verdict is in and they say that we, we, all of us won big last night. Stephen as trump yes, it was we up on that debate stage, all of us were disgracing our democracy. And if we dont win in november, we all going to jail. Because we cheated on our taxes. Remember, theres no i in eric is the fall guy. despite trumps claims, polls show that six in ten say that biden won the debate. The other four said the winner was sleeve of oreos dunked in atavan. You can see why trumps nervous, because right now, the New York Times poll of polls has biden up by eight points. No surprise. Tuesday he gave voice to the message all americans have been longing to hear will you shut up, man . stephen so today his campaign released this ad shut up. shut up shut up shut the bleep up, donny im joe biden and i approve this message. Stephen of course, what really matters is the swing states. And right now, biden leads in michigan, pennsylvania, wisconsin, minnesota, nevada, new hampshire, arizona, ohio, north carolina, and iowa. From the redwood forest to the gulf stream waters this land is sick of d. J. T. Yeah, i took guitar for a month. Evidently, trump actually reads the polls, and thats what made him lose what was left of his mind at the debate. Maggie haberman tweeted, people close to him are blunt that the president knows hes losing and is scared of it. So he did what he does when afraid or anxious and tried to impose his will on the night. Yes, trump just reacted like a cornered animal as trump good question, chris, but before i answer it, im going to express my musk sac all over this podium. Its a gland. Want to guess where it is . Ill need a mirror. I never said anal. I never said anal. laughter plus, this week biden got another huge endorsement miracle on the hudson pilot and a. A. R. P. Magazines sexiest man still alive, captain sully sullenberger. On tuesday, sully landed this ad right on trumps face. Leadership is not just about sitting in the pilots seat, its about knowing what youre doing and taking responsibility for it. Its in that highest calling of leadership that donald trump has failed us so miserably. Nearly a quarter million americans wont have a voice casualties of his lethal lies and incompetence. All we have to do is vote. Him. Out. Stephen man, sully brought it thats gonna get biden the suburban dad vote. Its as good as getting endorsed by selflocking grill tongs. To turn the brats. Im not saying trumps goose is cooked, but its definitely sucked into the starboard engine. With the things looking bad, trumps stopped running against biden and turned his attention to a new opponent, democracy were not going to lose this, except if they cheat. Ive been telling you, this whole ballot scam is going to cause a lot of problems for our country. Theyre going to try and steal the election. We have a big problem and you see it every day, you see it happening every day with ballots. When the ballots and when the system is rigged, which obviously it is, and the only one that knows that better than me are the democrats. They go into closed rooms and they must laugh like hell. Stephen laughing nervously yeah, im sure theyre all laughing. Reminds me of a joke why did the chicken cross the road . To escape to canada. I hear bill barr is turning dissidents into mcnuggets. Now, theres no proof that wide scale Election Fraud ever happens. Its so rare that even trumps Voter Fraud Commission couldnt find evidence. But that hasnt stopped trump from already filing lawsuits in north carolina, pennsylvania and elsewhere to restrict voting by mail. Its all part of his Public Service campaign bleep the vote. And during the debate, trump urged his followers to intimidate other voters by being a socalled poll watcher. And now don jr. s saying, im helping, dad the radical left are laying the groundwork to steal this election from my father, president donald trump. We cannot let that happen. We need every able bodied man, woman, to join army for trumps Election Security operation. Stephen yes, every able bodied man and woman, which does not include Donald Trump Jr. Because he is clearly hammered. as drunk Donald Trump Jr the rackal left is tryn to steal the election, but im not gonna let em cause i will fight the rackal left like i fought the store guy when wouldnt let me put my mouth on the slushie machine. And i dont know how those white claws got down my pants, officer. Babe cmere i want you guys to meet screamy kimmy. Say the best is yet to come thing say it laughter hello. But there are some heroes out there fighting to make sure all americans voices are heard. For instance, with just a month until the election, snapchat says its helped over one Million People register to vote. But the registration only lasts 24 hours, so be sure to take a screenshot. Of course, if you register through snapchat, you need two forms of i. D. one where youre a dog, and one where youre puking rainbows. Theres a new get out the vote drive called, get your booty to the poll, organized by exotic dancers. as trump how could you, cinnamon, cheyenne, candi with an i . Et tu, bootay . The dancers explain the importance of voting in this online video want trade and coding taught in our schools . Then vote for the school board that will prepare us for the job market. Want to end cash bail . Well, then vote for the sheriff and county officials that feel the same way you do. Dont let other people decide whos gonna run your community. Get your booty to the polls. Get your booty to the polls. Get your booty to the polls. Stephen that is democracy at twerk. The p. S. A. Ends with this call to action for information as well as information to find out whos running in your area getyourbootytothepoll. Com. Stephen we had to blur so much of the booty that you cant even read the url. Theres got to be a line here. I understand this is cbs and we cannot show everything that god gave her, but a url no . Nope. Stephen you know what, im not surprised the dancers did this. Im only surprised that the website get your booty to the poll was somehow not taken. Good for you ladies, but ill say this it seems like theyre trying to horn in on my turf of course, thats the late show website better know a ballot which has voter information for all 50 states and the district of columbia. Join the millions who have already checked out our helpful videos. But now that ive seen get your booty to the poll, i realize that better know a ballot needs more sex appeal. But im not an exotic dancer. Im a middleaged white guy. So i dont think im gonna take your buttocks out and vote you can take your powerboat, if its chilly wear a coat pull the leaver shake that rump you can vote out donald trump youve got the idea. We have a great show for you tonight. Ethan hawke is here. When we come back i might have to apologize for what i just did. And meanwhile a late show with Stephen Colbert, sponsored by nissan, innovation that excites. Not much, how about you . Are you answering my text in person . I am, yeah. Lol come on in. This is tech that helps you be there. The Nissan Altima now offering the most techadvanced engine in its class now any order can be rewarding when you use the app. No matter how you pay, youll be closer to earning rewards and getting more of your favorites for free. More ways to pay, more ways to get rewarded. Starbucks rewards. More ways to get rewarded. [phone rings] sore throat pain . Try new Vicks Vapocool drops in honey lemon chill for a fastacting rush of relief like youve never tasted in. Honey lemon ahh woo Vicks Vapocool drops now in honey lemon chill is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. Stephen welcome back. Lets say hello to jon batiste jon hello. You got the ink on the shirt. Whats that . Stephen i threw a pen at chris just now because he wasnt looking at me. Im not a fragile performer but i will not, not be looked at, so i threw a pen at him and got ink on his shirt so i think i have a drycleaning bill. Do you know why im in a good mood . Jon why is that . Stephen over the weekend i got my mailin ballot. Im really excited. I cant wait. Jon its time. Lets go. Stephen looking at the ballot gave me a feeling of agency, like i could actually have some say over the future of this country. I highly recommend it. Oh, yeah, you look at that ballot you know exactly what you want to do. Stephen vote. Jon thats right. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. You know, i spend a lot of time researching the most topical traditional maori tattoo designs of the day, developing a visual metaphor for a meaningful personal story, crafting needles out of albatross bones and meticulously applying a pigment made of burnt timber to create the elegant body art that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes i like to go to the part of the playground where the teachers cant see me, take the penknife my friend tommy stole from his dads glove compartment, carve half a portrait of speed racer in my arm because it hurts too much to keep going, and then rub some bic pen ink in there to form the adolescent d. I. Y. Mistake of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, a melbourne, australia pilot took to the skies with three chickens to carry out a preyom kippur ritual. Its the sacred jewish tradition of confusing the hell out of livestock. Due to the ban on large gatherings, many Orthodox Jews were unable to perform the ritual of kapparot, which involves swinging a live chicken over ones head three times and reciting a prayer to transfer sins to the bird. Seems really unfair to the bird. No, honey, this extremely dizzy chicken is the one who cheated on you. Quarantinewhile, we here at meanwhile family entertainments and Weapons Systems incorporated sometimes come across so many fastfood related stories that we had to create our new quarantinewhile sub segment cuisinewhile. Cuisinewhile, as a fun way to soothe people under lockdown a brooklyn pizzeria is offering comforting words as a delivery menu item. I dont think they get how pizza works. Melted cheese on bread is the comfort. Words are an unnecessary topping, like vegetables. You say you want them, but come on. According to the pizzeria, for 1, our Delivery Driver will look you straight in the eyes and tell you everythings gonna be okay and youre doing the best you can. and for 2, they wont. By the way, everythings gonna be okay and youre doing the best you can. Cuisinewhile, in ireland, their highest court has ruled that subway sandwiches are too sugary to meet the Legal Definition of bread. Said subway in a statement, yes, this is the most controversial brush with the law subway has ever had. This sugar bread thing. Nothing else. So ireland is concerned that subways bread is too sugary. Ireland, youre adorable. America literally has a sandwich that is Fried Chicken between two donuts. You can get it with a side of fries and a defibrillator. And the defibrillator is between two donuts cause these colors dont run cuisinewhile, a mcdonalds fanatic in north dakota is enjoying widespread internet mcfame after she was spotted in the Mcdonalds Drivethru with her hmbrglr license plate. What a fun coincidence. Just like that time i went through the taco bell drivethrough with my license plate that says regret. Quarantinewhile, researchers are now asking, could cats hold the key to a covid19 vaccine . I hope not. I do not want humanitys fate in the hands of creatures that clearly dont care if we live or die. Scientists say cats develop a protective immune response to covid19, leading researchers to wonder whether its worth studying pets to aid in the development of a human vaccine. Sounds good. Because mingling human and cat d. N. A. Has never gone wrong. Release the butthole cut. laughter quarantinewhile, color experts pantone, in an effort to end the stigma associated with menstruation, have unveiled a new shade of red inspired by the color of womens periods. Which is just wrong. Anyone whos watched a maxi pad commercial knows the color of womens periods is electric blue. I think they would know. Quarantinewhile, in england, during a test run of the future of emergency medical services, a jetpackequipped paramedic was able to cover a normally 25minute trek up a mountainside to a simulated emergency in only 90 seconds. Now unfortunately, the jet pack isnt powerful enough to transport you to a hospital, so in many cases they cant save your life. But the last thing you see will be so cool well be right back with ethan hawke. I want to see that jet pack. Knowing who we are is hard. Its hard. Eliminate who you are not first, and youre going to find yourself where you need to be. The race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends, because we are always on the way. Less oral steroids. Taking my treatment at home. Nucala is a oncemonthly addon injection for severe eosinophilic asthma. Not for sudden breathing problems. Allergic reactions can occur. Get help right away for swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or trouble breathing. Infections that can cause shingles have occurred. Dont stop steroids unless told by your doctor. Tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. May cause headache, injection site reactions, back pain, and fatigue. Ask your doctor about nucala at home. Find your nunormal with nucala. Dynanana, nana, nana, eh dynanana, nana, nana, eh light it up, dynamite shining through the city with a little funk and soul so ima light it up like dynamite cause, ahah, shining through the city with a little funk and soul im a light it up like dynamite, whoa an herbal stress reliever ashwagandha, shining through the city with a little funk and soul that helps you turn the stressed life. Into your best life. Stress less and live more. With stressballs. I cantwhat . Ve it. That our new house is haunted by casper the friendly ghost . Hey jill hey kurt movies . Ill get snacks no, i cant believe how easy it was to save hundreds of dollars on our Car Insurance with geico. I got snacks ohhh, i got popcorn, i got caramel corn, i got kettle corn. Am i chewing too loud . Believe it geico could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. Stephen ill get it down eventually. Hey, welcome back, ebbed. He has acted in over 80 movies, including training day, boyhood, and first reformed. He now stars in a series he created and executive produces called the good lord bird. Please welcome to a late show, ethan hawke ethan, thanks for being here thanks for having me. Its a pleasure. Stephen well get into this a little later in the interview. I just wanted to start off by saying how much im loving the good lord bird. Its based on a true man, its crazy at the same time, its taraji, funny, a lot to talk about. First, i want to talk about theater because i know youre a the