Science tells us that zombies will only eat human brains. Well, i dont think science knows, actually. Brains brains no brains here. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight insane in the campaign. Plus, stephen welcomes Janelle Monae and Jacob Soboroff featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. You have something you need to tell me. Tell me later. Good to see you. Hey, everybody, welcome to a late show. Im jur host, Stephen Colbert. And you are . Evyys here. Right over there. There are only 49 days left until the election. Time really flies when youre too scared to fly. With the days counting down, theres been a huge role reversal. For the last year, donald trump has been amassing the Largest Campaign war chest in u. S. History. With the r. N. C. , hes raised a combined 1. 1 billion yes, billion with a capital illion. But, reportedly, team trump has blown through more than 800 million and may run out of cash before the november election. Thats why hes changed his hat to say will scream for food. In fact, with the days dwindling, biden is outspending trump on tv. Yeah good luck finding donald trump on tv now. Trump says, nuh uh, tweeting we are advertising all over the place, but as much as we do, the fake news likes to say we arent. Just being smart. We have much more money than we had at same time in 2016. Also spending on other, and different, elements of the campaign. Yes, theyre spending it on other and different elements. Like paying poll workers, specifically porn stars who worked on his pole. But trump gets plenty of free air time. This morning. He phoned it in to his friendly friends at fox friends. The friends asked trump about Bob Woodwards book, and trump assured them that he had totally done the reading he only writes bad books, and i actually got to read it last night. I read it very quickly, and it was very boring. Stephen uh, i read it too. Now, boredom is that the thing that keeps you up at night staring at the ceiling in a cold sweat fearing for our nation . Is that boredom . Because if thats boredom, this thing is a total snoozefest. Trump had a warning about the book look, you you if you want to remain sane, just dont read it, because what they do is disgraceful. Stephen so, he says this book will drive you insane, and he said hes read the book, so yeah, that makes sense. He must have gotten an advance copy like, 40 years ago. In the book and in an exclusive clip on this show last night, woodward proves that trump lied to the American People about the seriousness of the covid19. But trump says he had a good reason. I dont want to create panic. People say, oh, you should have gone out there and say, you know, jumped up and down, youre going to die. youre going to die. stephen mr. President , no one expects you to jump up and down. Were amazed when you stand up and down. But, of course, theres a long history of president s not knowing how to break news to the American People without panicking them. We all remember f. D. R. s inaugural. Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is. Youre going to die youre going to die stephen now, after 47 long minutes, the friendly fox interview finally wrapped up with trump making it clear that he wants to do it again soon, and repeatedly. Yeah, were doing it every week, every monday i think they said. And if we cant do it on a monday, well do it on a tuesday, like we did today. Sounds good. Mr. President , thank you very much. You may want to do it every week, but fox is not committed to that. Were going to take it on a kaips by case basis. laughter stephen wow that is cold thats like ending a date with so ill see you next saturday and every saturday after that. And she says, uh, you may want to see me next saturday, but katie is not committed to that, well take it on a casebycase basis. No tongue. Mr. President too far. Too far, no tong . Yes. No, its no tongue. Thats too far. Its very kekouros. I think steve doocys just not that into you. One group trump is working hard to win over is hispanics. Yesterday, he held a latinos for trump roundtable, though many people said it looked less like a roundtable than a sneaky way of holding a rally, to which trump said, uh, yeah . The fake news, they say this is supposed to be a roundtable but it looks like a rally. Well, it is a rally because we love each other. cheers no, it is a roundtable, and were here to really listen. Stephen thats like a bank robber saying, the fake Police Say Im committing a crime. Well, you know what . It is a crime to hide my beautiful face behind this ski mask. But, no, actually, this isnt a crime. Im here to really listen to the code for the safe. Give me the money, nobody gets hurt. No tongue. laughter its not appropriate in that situation is it . While he was thanking his supporters by endangering their health, trump took a shot at biden for not doing that. Hes coming up once every three or four days. Ive been in every state. Ive been to so many states the last few days. Stephen as trump no way biden can spread covid like i can. Im in every state, no social distance, no masks, im spraying down the crowd with my spittle like a pathogenic lawn sprinkler. Shucka shucka shucka it makes the shucka sound. I have never seee n a lawn spray do any lawn work. No tongue laughter no tongue. Trump again implied that coronavirus is a plot by democrats, and that after the election, governors who had shut down their states to protect their citizens would prove it to him. You know whats going to happen . On november 4, they will open up everything. On november 4, theyll announce everything is open now. We were only kidding. Stephen so, youre saying this was a big prank on all of us . Well, ill say this it does feel like the worst episode of jackass. The campaign may come down to the debates, and trump previewed his strategy over the weekend with fox news anchor jeanine pirro, seen here losing a debate to ernest and julio gallo. laughter when the subject of biden came up, trump was suspicious that his opponent might be getting a little help. You know, everyone thought he was going to be killed by bernie, and it was tie. It was nothing it wasnt winston churchill, but it was fine. But ive also seen him in some of the other debates where he wasnt even coherent. He couldnt utter a in his how do you think he goes from incoherent to coherent . I think theres probably possibly drugs involved. Thats what i hear. I mean, theres possibly drugs. Stephen as biden you caught me, don ive been juicing tomato, beet, prune im as regular as the atomic clock, jack laughter now, this isnt the first time trump has accused biden of using drugs. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, trump called for himself and joe biden to submit to drug tests before their first debate. It would be the first real test of the general election which septuagenarian is capable of producing enough urine to fill a cup . laughter in a phone call to the washington examiner, trump rationalized his insanity. Were going to call for a drug test, by the way, because his best performance was against bernie. It wasnt that he was winston churchill, because he wasnt, but he it was a normal, boring debate. You know, nothing amazing happened. And we are going to call for a drug test because theres no way you cant do that. Stephen trump thinks that anyone who shows basic competency must be cheating. as trump wow, did you see biden jog up that ramp without tripping once . Hes gotta be roiding. Plus, he drank his water with just one hand. Its like they ground up Lance Armstrong and injected it into his neck trump explained why performance enhancing drugs are perfect for a debate well, it is a prizefight. Its no different than the gladiators, except, you know, we have to use our brain and our mouth. Stephen youre not a gladiator they fought lions you brag about identifying one on a piece of paper. laughter the first president ial debate is just two weeks away. So this year, you wont have to wait until thanksgiving to hear two grampas argue about politics. But there may be a major format change, thanks to podcast host and cue ball being pulled out of a claw machine, joe rogan. On a recent episode, rogans guest, tim kennedy, proposed a different kind of debate. Would you do a debate . Would i . You be the control mechanism to the candidates, like a bidentrump debate with joe rogan hosting. Your questions. We should have that. This is 2020. I mean, we have the ability to have that. Were not talking about 1979, were talking about 2020. If they wanted to do that, they both wanted to come here in austin, sit down, and have a debate, i would 100 do it. My god. I would 100 do it. Stephen hell, yeah it is about damn time we had a debate noderated by the former host of fear factor. Fear factor. as rogan gentlemen, youve got three minutes to outline your plan for comprehensive infrastructure reform while you eat donkey testicles. Go rogans guest even tweeted this out on my podcast with joe rogan, he offered to moderate a debate between joe biden and donald trump. It would be four hours with no live audience, just the two candidates, cameras, and their vision of how to move this country forward. Who wants this . And the president of the United States responded, i do dont get your hopes up, rogan. Trump has a long record of not meaning it when he says i do. But trump seemed serious about it when he was asked about his accepting the debate on this mornings foxy friends so, youve accepted that. Joe biden, no word on whether or not hed be interested in doing that joe rogan debate. Joe is lost. Joe is lost. We cant have a president thats mentally lost. You mean joe biden . I thought you meant joe rogan at first. Joe biden. Stephen as trump joe is lost, and by joe i mean biden. But he gets help from joe in the media. Im talking about scarborough, rhymes with marlborough, one of the great cigarettes. Bottom line i will debate joe camel. Well, tonight, i, Stephen Colbert, am hereby offering to moderate a debate between joe biden and donald trump. It would be eight hours, locked room, no names, no cameras. Only one boardwalk caricature artist. Winner is whichever candidate has the biggest head let me sweeten the pot a little bit, gentlemen. Im talking one stage, one podium, on wheels, zips back and forth. Two competitors, two shields, one man has a sword, the other has a net and a trident, one hungry lion in a colosseum. Each man will get 30 minutes to make one meal from the ingredients found in our mystery weve got capers. Weve got twizzers. Weve got pork loin. And a bottle of weller 12 busch. Thats for daddy just to make it through the bleep show to november. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Janelle monae is here. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . That is the real deal. I like big jeans. Ittybitty jeans. Your shoulder seems to be healing nicely. Well, dr. Farrell, it feels really good. Thats good. And. Im sorry. Baby, dont touch that. I dont want you to play with that. singing twinkle, twinkle little star. How i wonder what you are. still singing up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky. Im so glad that your shoulder is feeling better. But, how are you doing . Im hanging in there. Schedule a video visit with your doctor. And get quality care with no copay. Kaiser permanente. Thrive. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to a late show. Lets say hi to our friend, jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hello, stephen, whats the word . Stephen the word is vote. Were going to tell everybody how to vote in just a minute. Youre going to vote, right . Jon oh, sure. Everybody should vote. This is a very, very important election. Stephen i agree. It is an important one. Jon yes, yes, indeed. Stephen jon, we can voting music last night. What music is on your mind tonight . Jon oh, my goodness. We have to do some loving music. We need some love in the world love in the world. Love in the world stephen jon batiste, everybody. Folsk, we are just 49 days away from the election, and i dont have to tell you that this is an important one this is an important one and its not just important to vote. Its important to have a plan for how you are going to vote, because covid will make this election unlike anything before it. And if that wasnt enough, the rules regarding how to vote vary drastically from state to state. For example, some states do not allow you to cite coronavirus as a reason to vote absentee. Some states automatically send you an absentee request form but not a ballot. And some states put chili on top of their spaghetti. That has nothing to do with the election, but come on, cincinnati, its confusing laughter so i wanted to help make things easier for anyone who should be voting which is everyone. Which is why the late show has created a new website, betterknowaballot. Com, that contains easytofollow voting information for each state. Just click on your state and get the information you need about registering to vote, requesting an absentee ballot, or voting early in person. I will even be posting a video for every state to help explain how to vote easily, early, and safely where you live. There are eight videos up already for the states where you can start to receive ballots the soonest. Well be rolling out the rest in the coming days as other states get ready to send out absentee ballots. So go to betterknowaballot. Com. And even if your states video isnt up yet, you can still go there to get the info and the links you need to start voting in your state now. Take a look at it and share it, because im serious about people voting. How serious . Im making jokes about it. And im announcing a challenge right now whichever state has the highest voter turnout per capita in the 2020 election will get to come on my show what does that mean . Your state will have to win to find out. Also, i do not know what that means. But it is a promise and i will somehow fulfill it go vote you know, he vade, transitions. I spend a lot of time mining the newsscape for the shiniest gems of stories pairing them with the most precious topical diamonds, and carefully slotting them into the priceless silver tiara that is my monologue. But once in a while, i grab some soiled newspaper from my dogs pen, watch six minutes of youtube origami videos, then down a case of schlitz to slap on the dunce cap of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, taco bell is now selling its own custom wine. Thats gonna be an intense hangover given how drunk you already have to be to order taco bell wine. Taco bell wine is called jalapeno noir and is made to pair with its toasted cheesy chalupa. Of course, every palate is different, but i find the toasted cheesy chalupa actually pairs best with sadness. laughter quarantinewhile, the fresh prince of belair mansion is now on airbnb. Perfect if you got in one little fight and your mom got scared. Its the 30th anniversary of the tv show, and to honor it, airbnb put one wing available for rent on the platform. Only one wing . I want the full experience, the whole house, carlton, jazz and both aunt vivs. Oh, you think you can change actresses in the middle and pretend like we wont notice its too many vivs quarantinewhile, rihannas secluded london mansion is up for sale for 41 million. Though, like a lot of highend real estate, the listing does come with one warning to potential buyers bitch better have my money. Stephen quarantinewhile, a lock of abraham lincolns hair has sold at auction for more wow. That seems particularly high, especially considering ebay bidders wont go above three bucks for my jar of tafts toenail clippings. Tafts toenail clippings is hard to say. Well be right back oh, were not done . There are more jokes . There are more jokes. Yes. We dont know who has it, because no information about the buyer was disclosed. Ooh, an anonymous wealthy buyer has secretly acquired abraham lincolns genetic material. That can only mean were working on opening up the hall of jurassic president s. drumming fingers sure about that . Oh, theres more dont change dont cut any of this this is magic. This is what the show should be. You produce it, you know. Stephen im not producing. Im just failing with panawch. I know what your question is what if they produce. Great care has been taken to make sure all the president s are male. Well be right back with Janelle Monae. Wet dishes . Residue . Spots . Its not your dishwashers fault. Simply add finish jetdry 3in1 to rinse dry and shine your dishes. Solve three problems at once with finish jet dry 3in1. Another bundle in the books. Got to hand it to you, jamie. Your knowledge of victorian architecture really paid off this time. Nah, just got lucky. So did the thompsons. That faulty wiring couldve cost them a lot more than the mudroom. Thankfully they bundled their motorcycle with their home and auto. Theyre protected 24 7. Mm. What do you say . One more game of backgammon . [ chuckles ] not on your life. [ laughs ] when the lights go down [ laughs ] your bank can be virtually any place you are. You can deposit checks from here. And you can see your transactions and check your balance from here. And pay bills from here. Because your bank isnt just one place. Its virtually any place you are. Just download and use the chase mobile app. Visit chase. Com mobile. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest is a grammynominated artist and actress you know from Hidden Figures and moonlight. Her latest film is antebellum. We must choose wisely. But until then, we keep our heads down and our mouths shut. Do you understand me . I know you, and i know that you are my only way out of here. Stephen please welcome, Janelle Monae jannel thank you so much for being here. Are you kidding me. You are my favorite. Thank you for having me. Stephen we where have to get you on more often Janelle Monae i have in my hand ill show it to you and ill show it to the camera this is a photo of you dancing on my desk. Its been almost two years. Oh, my goodness. Come on. We should be flat for not seeing each other sooner. That was so fun, and we danced when our, like favorite president barack obama was in the white house. We always danced together. Its long overdue. Stephen its guests like you that make me miss being in the ed sullivan theater rye now. I know the audience would be excited to hear you perform. You are a performer. How are you dealing with not beingably to be with the audience right now . I definitely cried when a lot of my tour dates got canceled. I was supposed to be on tour right now, headlining the hollywood bowl. But i im still connected, you know. Im trying to im not on social media as much as i would like. But im just trying to connec