Youll not only get whats written in the book but also exclusive outtakes. So visit audible and download john boltons book as sung by michael bolton. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight justice is flynnished. Plus, stephen welcomes jon stewart featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen lets do it. Okay, lets do it. Thank you, thank you for your burst of energy. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Hey, you guys remember Michael Flynn . Its been a long, strange saga, so let me catch you up. Jim . Previously on Michael FlynnMichael Flynn resigning after the shortest tenure ever in that post retired general Michael Flynn pleaded guilty today to lying to the f. B. I. Flynns attorneys tonight filing a motion to withdraw his guilty plea the other side of the Michael Flynn story today are the actions from judge Emmet Sullivan who is attempting to proceed with possible prosecution. You never go near my husband. Do you bleep understand that . Dont you ever go after my bleep husband. And now, tonights episode of Michael Flynn. Sphen wee tol flynn, where, just like every other prestige drama these days, were not afraid to kill off beloved characters because in tonights episode, were bumping off lady justice. This morning, a federal Appeals Court ordered the judge to dismiss the criminal case against Michael Flynn. Well im sure hes learned his lesson that rich, well connected people dont have to learn lessons. The order to dismiss the case without review is called a writ of mandamus, which is also the name of a poorly received harry potter courtroom novel. as harry potter your honor, expecto objectum this comes even though Michael Flynn already twice pleaded guilty of lying to the f. B. I. But, in the end, it was just a case of he said. That he did it, twice. And the whole thing feels fishy. The two judges who ruled in flynns favor have a history of seeing eyetoeye with the trump administration. And one of them, judge neomi rao, is a former white house official whom trump appointed to the Appeals Court last year. Look, im not saying shes in trumps pocket, but i was suspicious when she gave that ramp the death penalty. This ruling means the politicization of the Justice Department has sunk to new lows. But i guess we should have expected that. After all, it is literally run by a low barr. So congratulations, Michael Flynn. Youre off the hook. You can now go back to your day job of peddling influence to foreign powers for cash. Turns out, trumps right businesses are opening up again. And maybe too fast, because the coronavirus pandemic remember that its nowhere near over. One sure sign im still broadcasting from my den with Jackson Brownes haircut. Say a prayer for the pretender. If anything, the plague is getting worse. Yesterday, the number of new cases grew to their highest levels since april. What . April come on, we have to have made progress since april. I dont want to go back. Five months . 6, 10 years . Its impossible to know. You have to cut me open and count the rings in my gut. Im well marbled. The covid spikes are especially bad in three states florida reported a new daily high of 5,508 cases. Texas reported more than 5,000 cases, its largest singleday total yet. And arizona added more than 3,600 cases, also a record. Okay, that sounds bad, but remember, in arizona, its a dry death. Dark humor stephen thanks, grimmy. Things are so bad in the rest of the country that new york, new jersey and connecticut will now require certain outofstate travelers to quarantine upon arrival. So if youre from out of state and want to visit the big apple, fuhgeddaboutit seriously, they dont want you there. The tristate area is not alone. With cases surging in the united states, the European Union is prepared to block americans from entering. Well, fine europe. We didnt want to go there anyway. Instead of partying in ibitha, im partying in kanthath thity. As i said, one of the biggest coronavirus surges is happening in arizona. And yesterday, they introduced another wellknown disease vector donald trump. The president was there to give a speech to a tightlypacked auditorium of supporters, most of whom werent wearing masks. Riskys if hed revved up the crowd with a hepatitis cannon. The venue for trumps event was a megachurch called dream city. Its like a regular church, but you forgot that you have a test, youre naked, and youre at your cousin louis house. But its not his house, but it is his house . And then your teeth fall out. And though it was only a crowd of 3,000, trump was jazzed. There is something going on. You feel it, right . You feel the spirit . Stephen oh, yeah, that crowd was feeling the spirit. It was in the air spreading like a fever. Their muscles aching with excitement and an enthusiastic dry cough. I wouldnt be surprised if their lungs were filling up with spirit juice. Trump weighed in on pandemic nomenclature. Now remember, its called covid19 because its a combination of the words coronavirus, disease, and 2019, the year it was discovered. But trump apparently has not been briefed. Covid. Covid19. Covid. I said, what is the 19 . Covid19 . Some people cant explain what the 19 give me the covid19. Stephen yes, some people who head our government cannot understand why its called covid19. Just like those same people arent sure where the word brunch, comes from. Hes heard rumors that its a combination of breakfast and unch. Trump compared himself to the radical democrats and made an interesting contrast. While their movement is based on hate, ours is based on love. Stephen its true, trump loves so many things. Mostly hate, but there are some people he loves. A five, six, seven, eight as trump l is for the way kim looks at me. O is for the only one gcs. V is vladdy putin. Hes so rootintootin e is even more dictators that i do adore yes, lost was made for them and me. Badadapada im loving it stephen trump also addressed the protests in d. C. That tried to take down a statue of andrew jackson. We saved that incredible statue. You saw it last night. And restored peace and order to the streets. And these people fought back and the Law Enforcement was much tougher, much sharper. Much better. They really had no trouble handling them. It was like handling a baby for them, was just like a baby. Stephen note to self never rempa bysle he was he was difficult, but dont worry, i handled your baby like a baby with tear gas and thats 20 an hour. Plus, trump must have been happier at his arizona rally than his catastrophic rally in tulsa over the weekend. If you recall, he ended the evening with a shamble of shame, necktie dangling like somebody who tried to turn into the hulk but got bored halfway through. Pretty sad sight. But not if you Ask Donald Trump the lesser. Because last night, don jr. Posted a photo of his father to instagram with a reposted caption that read, the left is attempting to use it as a negative. Its not. This is the look far too many of us that have worked a night shift or a 48hour shift or a third job are too familiar with. Now, i know what youre thinking but, don jr. Actually has worked a 48hour shift, just not in a row. 48 hours is his yearly average. Don juniored on this is, been working my ass off for the american people, good oldfashion exhaustion, born of love; not for what youre doing, but who youre doing it for. Okay, donald trump has not been working his ass off for the american people. Or anyone else. How do i know . I can prove it. Heres his ass. Its all there. Last night, there were primary elections in new york, mississippi, virginia, north carolina, and kentucky. There were huge victories, shocking upsets, and nailbiting squeakers. One imagines. Because we dont really know a lot yet. Thanks to the coronavirus, most people voted by mail, so in some states it will be at least a week until winners are known. A week . Who the hell knows what shape the countrys going to be in by then . We could all be trading our children for scrap metal and worshipping the spice lords. No ones going to stop siphoning fuel out of a hijacked tanker truck to say, oh, look, Glenn Anderson is kentuckys new comptroller this delay in the results does not bode well for november, because you know that feeling you had between 9 00 p. M. And midnight on Election Night . Get ready to be that drunk for five days. The point is, this election is not going to be a sprint. Its going to be a marathon, in that, before its over, youre going to be pooping your pants, and your nipples are going to be bleeding. Things are not looking good for trump, by the way. In a new poll conducted by the New York TimesSiena College doritos locos crunch wrap, the president is trailing joe biden by 14 points. That is joementum hes an unstoppable force, as long as he never leaves his basement. You stay down there, joe even if you win, you stay down there. Its going to take a few months to fumigate the burger farts out of the oval office couch. One disturbing part of this poll was the fact that 14 of voters would vote for another candidate, would not vote, or did not know. Did not know . How the hell do you live through three and half years of donald trump and have no opinion . Whats that . Whos president . Donald trump . The guy from the apprentice . well, i missed that one. I was bingewatching a marathon of kevin spacey movies. What the group that really cant stand trump is collegeeducated white women. In 2016, Hillary Clinton a collegeeducated white woman won this group by just seven percentage points. Biden early leads in this group by 39 percentage points. as trump hey, women, what did i ever do to you . And before you answer, please sign this n. D. A. Biden has now drawn even with trump among male voters, whites, and people middle age and older. White males, middleaged, and older . But thats trumps base. Jimmy, can we get a picture of those voters . Ah, there they arent. Trump still has a chance because of the electoral college. thunder, wolf howl hahahahaha stephen a little late. A little late. But even the people who plan to vote for him dont like him. A texas republican, whos definitely voting for trump, put it like this part of you just feels icky voting for him. Yep, voting for trump is just a dirty feeling. Thats why, in texas, democrats get voting booths, and republicans get voting showers. Gaahhh, im a dirty boy. Think about the tax cuts. Gahh, im still dirty. Weve got a great show ftonight. Jon stewart is here thats right, our old friend jon. Stick around. Crest gum detoxify. My gums are irritated. I dont have to worry about that, do i . Harmful bacteria lurk just below the gum line. Crest gum detoxify works below the gum line to neutralize harmful plaque bacteria and help reverse early gum damage. Crest. Take the good, with the bad live the life you want to have send it off, with a bang its looking really good [whistling] [indistinguishable muffled words] im a delivery Operations Manager in san diego, california. We were one of the first stations to pilot a fleet of electric vehicles. Were striving to deliver a package with zero emissions into the air. I feel really proud of the impact that has on the environment. We have two daughters and i want to do everything i can to protect the environment so hopefully they can have a great future. Come on tucker, lets go. K . I can to protect the environment tuck, tuck, do you want a walk boy . Tucker, do you want to go out . When the whole family needs an excuse to get out, nutros clean recipe will help your dog keep up. Theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. Everybody back to one. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Well, folks, its official scientists have declared that 2020 is the longest year on record. And as we enter summer, i think its vital that we reflect on what weve all gone through and begin the conversation on where we want to end up and, at the conclusion of this tumultuous year, discover who we are. And since its summer, i strongly believe that conversation requires a thorough examination into the history of the corn dog, americas summertime treat. Now, bear with me, because i stayed up all night thinking about this. The Minnesota State fair, 1941, because this probably goes without saying, but before we can even get to corn dogs, we must address the pronto pup. Dog. Batter. Stick so simple, but also knocking thats coming hold on. This is coming from the desk. Hold on. Oh, my god its jon stewart hello . Hello. Stephen jon oh, my god stephen . Stephen oh, my god, jon, hold on, jon. Ill take you out of the desk. Stephen, thank you so much. Stephen oh, jon. Look, oh, johnny. Jon. First of all, thank you so much stephen, it was so dark in there, and i was so scared. I didnt know what happened. Stephen im so sorry. Ive kept the drawer closed for months now just to keep the coronavirus away from you. I was taking ketamine, and i got in the desk, and the next thing i know, i cant see anything. Stephen jon, weve talked about your khole. I know. Stephen you got you got to watch it, man. Listen, im trying. The down time, baby, its not good for me. Stephen i understand. How are you . How are you weathering the covid quarantining with your lovely family . Well, everybody is doing great, thank you so much for asking. And stephen im required to ask. It says i should ask. Oh, is that stephen thank you for thanking me but it says i should ask. You actually knew how i was doing because i talked to you yesterday and the day before that. Stephen and today for a little bit, yeah. And today for a little bit as well, but its good to have a more formal stephen sure, but you know, as performers, nothing means anything unless an audience sees how you feel. You know what, thats an excellent point and i didnt even know how i was doing until you just asked me just now. Stephen so, jon, how are you doing . Stephen, look at me. Im going full Christopher Lloyd in stephen i can beat you. What do you think . Stephen i can beat you. That is a lush mane we are rocking lush manes. Stephen whats up . Im going full einstein, but i think you might be going full shining. Stephen i might be going yahoo serious. laughs you know what is the saddest thing about this, stephen. Stephen what . You know, as someone who is just really on the dividing line of of those that the c. D. C. Would say, put yourself in a Hyperbaric Chamber and dont come out until 2025. Stephen i know. Im now considered old enough that this is a preexisting condition. I wanted to read up on it, so i was reading about the 1918 pandemic. Stephen right, because we havent gone through anything like this for 100 years. Thats exactly right. Stephen well, what did they do . So, heres whats crazy about it. The 1918 pandemic, the advice that they gave was dont try and stay inside. And if you dont stay inside, wear a mask and socially distance. And i was like. Stephen oh no oh, no. Thats 102 years i was hoping it would make me feel better. I thought there was going to be some oldtimey, like, drink apple cider and mercury, and that will be the elixir for your vitality. Stephen nope. Its 102 years. Weve literally just been driving in circles. Stephen i think there are a lot of nobel prizes that should be taken away. They havent made any improvement over the last 102 years, somebody screwed up. I feel like the last big improvement was during the black death, the plague, somebody went, should we be going to the bathroom in the drinking water, or is that something we should stop in . Stephen the biggest improvement in the last hundred years, they came up with that novelty soap that bleeds when ck comic book. That is that is that is an excellent one. And xray glasses that you can buy, and you can just see through peoples clothes. Stephen i know. That works. These but i thought i was going to find comfort in some sort of bizarrely antiquated lack of understanding, like, you could take a drill bit and try to put it in your head. Exact same advice. Steen whaf the governments response . How do you think theyve handled it so far . Jon . Im blinking s. O. S. To you in morse code. I dont know if you could stephen i thought we lost the satellite feed for a second. No, its just dotdotdot, dashdashdash, dotdotdot. I think theyre certainly doing the best they can. I think the politicization of just basic hygiene has been, i think, one of the more surprising aspects that stephen like wearing a mask, wearing a mask has become a political statement. The mask is now the dont tread on me snake. Its the symbol of tyranny. Stephen i will not wear your covid burka. Thats exactly right. It is the garb of the authoritarian. Its the swastika arm band. Its the brown shirt. And i just keep thinking to myself, they wear those in operating rooms, right . They do that not because theyre listening to n. P. R. Im pretty sure its so they dont put their i just want to say to all those people like, so the next time you get an operation, you just say to the doctor you take that liberal bleep somewhere else. You come in here with no covering. You dont wash those hands. And you stick them in my open wound. Because im an american. Stephen i want to tell you my Conspiracy Theory is this entire mask thing is all just a puton. Its a conspiracy by the altoids people, because when you put that mask on and you get a big blast of your own mask breath, youre like, this would knock a buzzard off a bleep wagon. What is what have i been eating . Can i tell you something . One of the first things i did when the mandate came down that if youre going to go out you should wear a mask was apologize to my family. I put the mask on, and i drove around, and i came home and i said, guys, i just want to tell you, i had no idea. laughter and im terr