Geai and musical gut aturing john bte and homin. And now, live from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its midjuly, and despite our best quarantine efforts, yesterday america set a new record for daily coronavirus cases. Way more than when we started quarantining back in march. Its almost as if that celebrity imagine video didnt help. Should we try another one . Maybe sugar pie, honey bunch. Sugar pie, honey bunch in florida alone, new cases over the past week outstripped the total count in most european nations. That is a shocking vacuum of leadership in a state that, i will remind you, has an entire hall of president s. Cant we just plug an extension cord into one of those old guys and put him in charge . I cannot tell a lie. This country has really screwed the pooch. Stephen thank you, general. All the people in charge who told us the pandemic wasnt a big deal are looking big dumb right now, like oklahoma governor and chonky dracula kevin stitt. Because remember trumps rally in tulsa, oklahoma full of unmasked openmouth screamers . Lots of people called it a terrible idea, said it should be cancelled. Not Governor Stitt. Were going to be very safe, and we think its the right time. Folks that say you shouldnt have a rally when is the right time . Stephen ooh, ooh i know when it wont kill the audience . Did i did i . Thank you. So, anyway, they threw the rally. 6,000 people shouted their aerosolized viruses at each other, and Governor Stitt was there without a mask to huff it all in. And now, to the governor, the stitt has hit the fan, because earlier today he made this announcement. I personally get tested periodically throughout this whole thing, um, and got tested yesterday for covid19, and the results came back positive. So, i feel, feel fine. I felt a little bit achy yesterday. Stephen well, i would feel achy too if i spent the afternoon banging my head against the wall going, stitt, you big dummy, why did you do it . You did it again, just like the time you drank that whole jug of wacae yo cou aiou s, you t fo that really that really gets it fluffy, doesnt it . What am i doing here . Oh, my god, im going to need a little advil for my neck, that, i got to say, i feel a little achy breaky too. Stick around for noah and billy ray later, by the way. Regardless, Governor Stitt, i hope you recover soon. Also, please wear a mask, because you are now contagious, and you might want to hide your face in shame for a while. Now, masks are still our best bet for controlling this virus according to c. D. C. Director, and amish potato, dr. Robert redfield. Here is what redfield said yesterday. And i think that if we can get everybody to wear a mask right now, i really do think in the next 46 weeks, we could bring this epidemic under control. Stephen super. So, all we have to do is show some discipline. Shouldnt be a problem for the country that invented hot dog bites pizza. Now, the c. D. C. Reporting all this coronavirus Hospital Data is making the Trump Administration look terrible, t trumnistration has finallcome up with a solution t. Coronavirus Hospital Data will now be sent to the Trump Administration instead of the c. D. C. And i believe we have some live video of the new Trump Administration covid Data Processing center. paper ripping laughter stephen you see, trump doesnt want us to know what the real coronavirus numbers are. He knows hes failed. Hes just like a kid grabbing his report cart card out of the mailbox before anyone could see it. But were going to find out how bad he is doing when we all have to make coffins in shop class. But there is some good news on the covid front, because last night we found out that the moderna Coronavirus Vaccine shows promising safety and immune response results in a published phase 1 study but blah, blah, blah, we have a vaccine give it to me i want to eat unwiped groceries and finely film my special the late show say it and spray tacular live from the unventilated basement of a nursing home with special guest Governor Stitt. Of course, once a vaccine does come out everyone on earth is going to want it. And to make sure everyone can afford it some Pharma Companies have made a no profit pledge. No pharma profit. Unless the vaccine also happens to cure erectile dysfunction, in which case, they got to get their beaks wet. And its not their beaks. And no a no profit pledge is a noble gesture, but some folks are skeptical because these pharmaceutical Companies Promise comes with a caveat vaccines will be offered at no profit during the pandemic. Hmmmm. Thankfully big pharma has come up with a way to reassure the public about their motives and it is all in their new ad. Are you worried about the future . Unable to sleep at night, afraid that Pharma Companies will put their profits ahead of your health . If you are concerned about the cost of a vaccine, ask your doctor about vaxalax. Vaxalax is the only medication proven to reduce anxiety about big pharma taking advantage of you in a national crisis. You can trust vaxalax because of its mascot professor cashington, the ethical money sack. Side effects include legless rest syndrome, kidney rhinestones, crumblefoot, spontaneous beard sparrows, the galloping hoopsticks, spinal crunch wrapping, ferdinands flopsy, big ol pink face, gortons fisherman syndrome, scrotal yodas, chronic vaccine resistance, facial graham crackering, full blown coronavirus and dolla dolla bills, yall. Stephen with covid raging across the nation, donald trump held an Emergency Press conference yesterday in the rose garden. Now, traditionally, addresses from the rose garden are not baldly political events. It is where you celebrate champion teams, pardon the turkey and celebrate the rare champion turkey. But this was just another rally speech in which trump raged and attacked joe biden by name nearly 30 times. At this point hes just trying to talk biden out of his basement. as trump whats the matter, joe . Afraid to come out and fight me in the searing Nuclear Fallout of public scorn . Fine, i guess ill be the only one mutating in the agonizing hellscape that i created. Trumps main argument is that biden was too soft on china. Biden personally lead the effort to give china permanent most favored nation status, which is a tremendous advantage for a country to have, few countries have it. But the United States doesnt have it, never did. Stephen this is so true. The United States never received favored nation trading status from the United States. as trump and when will america finally have an ambassador to the United States . Every other country gets one. Must be sweet. Way to go, joe. Announced an ambitious plan to combat climate change, so trump tried to scare the voters with it. They want to rejoin the paris climate accord. And they want to seek an even higher level of restraint. Mandate net zero Carbon Emissions for homes, offices and all New Buildings by 2030. That basically means no windows. Stephen no windows . What and how are windows carbon emitting . Did we find out donald trump has a gasoline powered venetian blind . as trump eric, quick, you pull the two cordy things and i will fire her up. Pull off the choke. According to trump, biden has his sights on more than just windows. Joe biden wants to end school choice, abolish educational standards, abolish in the suburbs, you are going to abolish the suburbs with this. Stephen abolish the suburbs . How desperate is he to scare suburban voters . as trump over the Property Line in your yard. Hes going to tear down your seasonal flag of a kitten sitting in a picnic basket and then not close his recycling bin, and thats why the raccoons are just going to take over. Im not running a damn raccoon hotel here. But its not just joe biden. Trump also attacked the real enemy of democracy, people voting. These mailin figures, some democrat governor sends in millions of ballots all over the state. Who are they sending them to . Nobody has any idea. Theyre sending them to dogs. They actually have them sent to dogs. Stephen dogs. Well, its about damn time. For too long they have had castration without representation. Bob barkerapproved slam stephen we also got more of trumps interview with cbs catherine herridge, who asked trump about what he plans to do about the lag in coronavirus testing. What can you do to speed up the testing result time . There are different kinds of tests. There are tests that are very good, very strong, where you send it to a laboratory. The best thing we can do is we are doing more and more of them is onsite testing. Will you push for more onsite testing . I like it the best. I mean, i like it the best. It might not be as accurate by the way, but i like it the best. Stephen as trump i love tests that are inaccurate, like the one tha perfect te i love it. I love you. Are you my wife . Who am i . Hide me, joe biden is coming for my windows. Dog trump has blamed china for the pandemic, so herridge asked him what he is going to do about that. How will you hold the Chinese Government accountable for covid19 . Youll see, youll see. Its not for you, its for me. Stephen oh, no, he has gone full dr. Seuss. as trump youll see, youll see, its not for you, its for me. How will i punish president xi . That, my friend, is a mystery. With a sploot and a splort and a sklout and a frout, i have no idea what i am talking about. Are you my wife . Trumps messaging on masks has been, lets say unhelpful. And last night he managed to keep up his streak. Would you urge americans to wear masks . If its necessary i would urge them to wear a mask. Stephen powerful. It reminds me of Nancy Reagans antidrug campaign, just say no, if its necessary. Cocaine is delicious. Yesterday was also primary day in three states maine, alabama and texas. And some familiar faces graced the ballots, like former white house physician dr. Ronny jackson, seen here winning a staring contest with a ceiling fan. Dr. Jackson left his post at the white house after allegations that he was playing fast and loose with prescriptions, earning him the nickname the candy man. Its true. Urban legend say if you say dr. Ronnys name three times in a mirror at midnight, the drugs he gave you finally kicked in. The reputation of being a pill popping daddy didnt hurt jackson too much because yesterday he won the g. O. P. Primary runoff for a texas congressional seat. It helped that his campaign passed out free prescription pads. But it was a rougher night for former attorney general and grandma saying young lady you are not leaving this house in a crop top, Jeff Sessions. Yesterday sessions lost the alabama g. O. P. Senate runoff. Thats it. Thats the end of Jeff Sessions political career. I would dance on his grave but its too tiny. And to add insult to injury, sessions lost to trumpbacked candidate tommy tuberville. This is a stunning political fall. Sessions was the first senator to back trump in 2016. But trump never forgave sessions for recusing himself from the russia investigation, which is why trump backed tuberville. But what shifts the story from sad to truly pathetic is that sessions never stopped loving trump. This is his Actual Campaign ad. You know, out of the 100 United States senators i was the very first one to stand with donald trump. I knew he was the one to make America Great again, and i will keep fighting for President Trump and his agenda. Im Jeff Sessions. I approve this ad. Stephen that is the saddest thing i have ever seen. It is like a jilted lover wearing her exboyfriends hat. Dont take her back, carl. This loss has got to be a huge blow to Jeff Sessions, so here to tell us how hes handling it, please welcome former attorney general Jeff Sessions. Hello, stephen. I do declare the loss of my former seat in the great state of alabama, has left me more deflated than a bouffant hairdo in august on mobile bay. It is so painful to me, Jefferson Beauregard sessions the 3rd, that i have made a fateful decision. A world where i cant lick the boot of donald trump isnt one i want to be in. At least i outlived my integrity. Here i go im headed towards the white dont try to stop me i wont. Ill do it. I believe you. Goodbye cruel world. I love you donald trump glugglugglugglugglug Jeff Sessions, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Ricky gervais is here. But when we come back, meanwhile. Youre not using too much are you hon . Charmin ultra soft is so soft youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. And geico loves helping riders get to where theyre going, so to help even more, geico is giving new and current customers a fifteen percent credit on their motorcycle policies with the geico giveback. And because were committed for the long haul, the credit lasts your full policy term. The geico giveback. Helping riders focus on the road ahead. Yes. Neutrogena® ultra sheer. Superior protection helps prevent early skin aging and skin cancer with a clean feel. Its the one. The best for your skin. Ultra sheer. Neutrogena®. Contactless delivery tarright to your door,very designed for your day. So you can work out, join in, and game on. Just download the target app and try it today. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Itnot be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Stephen welcome back, everybody. We are here with our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. For the people at home didnt get to hear just now is that you were being transported by aretha. Jon yes, oh, my goodness. Her voice brings you to a place that you want to be. Stephen can you play a littleet to the next act . Jon yes, yes. Stephen thank you, jon. Jon batiste, everybody. You know, i spend most of my time right here hearing the finest news, slicing the most premium topical cheese and layering all the days biggest stories into the perfectly balanced madetoorder Club Sandwich that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes i like to set aside some smaller scraps of news bread and forget them on the counter where they develop mold which contaminates the nearby topical petri dish inhibiting bacterial growth, after which i sequester theus in unlated bab pell of news that is my segment. Quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, i wouldnt be doing my job if i didnt mention the latest online interweb viral sensation known as everything is cake. A clear trademark violation of the motto i live by, cake is everything. Heres a video by a turkish pastry master that will make you question all that you know to be true. Sen that toilet paper really hits home with me because many is the time i sat on the john and then been horrified to find out that were out of cake. What really caught my attention was this one that looks exactly like a pizza, but surprise, underneath is cake. Thats insane. Who would even think to put pizza right on top of cake . Because certainly no one has ever done that when they were high last night. Quarantinewhile, a u. K. Pub installed an electric fence at the bar to ensure patrons socially distance from it. Nice try, but to young idiots getting hammered that electric fence is a deterrent, thats a challenge. Bro, lets grab it. Next round is on whoevers heart stops first. Quarantinewhile, covid is causing drama in americas proud naked community because now nudist resorts are requiring masks. I will say if before all this you would tell me nudists would be forced to cover up for public health, the mouth would not be the orifice i assumed was the problem. The requirements are rubbing nudists the wrong way, which is very common. Many are worried about tan lines and one long time nudist said that it is hard not to see each others faces because one of the things nudists are known for is the friendliness. Yes, that is one of the things that they are known for. Couple other things they are known for, but i try to keep my paavteamed up to create adly lego version of the classic n. E. S. Console. To be clear, its not playable. Its a lego model of a tv and the game console. Its the perfect gift for that person in your life whose favorite part of baking is building the oven. The system features an 8bit mario on a scrolling screen recreation of a super mario brothers level all in pieces of lego. So now when mario steps on the bad guys he doesnt die, but it hurts like hell. Quarantinewhile, burger kings latest sustainability effort is to reduce cow farts. Here is a free tip you want to make sure the cows fart less, dont feed them burger king. The folks at b. K. Are tweaking the cows diets by adding 100 wie usedoprs ameass to reduces restaurants in austin, los angeles,