Sir. Law and order. Thats a tv show. Digreat. I made a lot of money. You dont have to speak, sir. You might want to refer this to your personal lawyer. He went to jail for, you know, for no no reason. Okay, quick vote, should we let him speak. Yea, yea, yea, yea. No. Another 54 victory for trump. Dad, who are you talking to . Eric, get off the phone go ahead with your argument, sir. Total exoneration, complete vindication golf vacation. Are you making an argument or rhyming. My inauguration, reducing taxation and unwanted penetration. Look at the authorization. Order, order lets take a 20minute recess. Still like beer. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight summer brake. And steve takes questions from kids. Plus, stephen welcomes hugh laurie and musical guest Benjamin Gibbard featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen where did you get this . Its fantastic you just give them any words you want and they send it to you . Hello and welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its my birthday in quarantine wooo isnt that nice . Ered this and my kids put it up in my set. I caught them doing it. Thank you, thank you. Today, i turned more at risk. This birthday is not as festive as usual though this is pretty nice. Were all going to have to get suesed to celebrating im on what is going on happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthging happy quarantine birthday to you anyway, isnt it cute i love it. Let me see what it says. Happy quarantine bithday. Cheers,. And an espresso martini. And little baby, gorgeous. applause stephen oh, yeah. That is fantastic. All right happy birthday happy birthday stephen oh, my gosh. Where were we . This birthday, i gotta say spretty festive, maybe more festive than usual. The line says not as festive as usual but this is actua festiv. Anyway, were all going to have to get used to celebrating major holidays in a because this pandemic appears to be making itself comfortable. As a result, broadways shutdown has formally been extended until labor day. Turns out, this is not the right time for company. Sondheim slam yesterday, los angeles officials announced that l. A. Countys stayathome order will last for at least three more months. Three months . No, no we had a system every two weeks, somebody tells us its just going to be another two weeks. Even the airlines have the decency to pretend the delay is only 15 minutes we know were sleeping on the floor of the hudson news tonight, but we appreciate the effort that went into the lie. Californias governor, gavin newsom, wants the whole state to modifying the states stayathome orders to allow individual counties to approve the reopening of malls for Curbside Pickup service only. Who wants Curbside Pickup at the mall . Does he not know why people go to malls . For the recycled air, to sit in the brookstone massage chair, to check a mall walker into a fountain, to huff a yankee candle. If youre spending money at the mall, youre doing it wrong. Bad news for College Students sorry, john. Bad news for College Students because yesterday, the cal state system announced theyre going to keep campuses closed for the fall semester. But to ensure students still get the full college experience, cal state will be mailing all of them a six pack of natty light and a free case of herpes. Nobody likes that we have to do this, but we have to do this, according to Health Professionals like Infectious Disease expert and detective who just figured out that the stepson did it, dr. Anthony fauci. Dr. Fauci testified yesterday to what would happen if the country reopened too soon. The consequences could be really serious. Stephen im sorry, is this not serious yet . Is this the hilarious part . And i cant tell that everyones laughing because their mouths are covered with masks . Okay. Republicans are desperate to reopen the economy, because if they dont, theyll have to do the unthinkable give money to someone other than rich people. And theyre sick of dr. Fauci reminding them of how many people will get sick. Take kentucky senator and hobo who traded places with a millionaire in a 1980s comedy starring dan akroyd, rand paul. At yessang, the libertarian senator was openly skeptical of faucis advice. I think we ought to have a little bit of humility in our belief that we know whats best for the economy, and as much as i respect you, dr. Fauci, i dont think youre the end all. Stephen youre right. Hes not. End all is actually trumps new campaign slogan. With all the mixed messages out there, the public is getting confused about how safe it is to reopen. Thats led to more people going out. According to the New York Times, about 25 million more people ventured outside their homes on an average day last week than during the preceding six weeks. And they know that because of of a New York Times analysis of cellphone data. Wait the New York Times has access to my cell phone that explains why the headline in this sundays style section was you look weird when you sleep. I do. Now, with all these people venturing out, the most widely cited coronavirus model now predicts 147,000 u. S. Deaths by be f er igoin stephen pharrells still got it. Keep in mind that one month ago, the same study predicted 60,000 deaths by early august. So theyre now predicting more than twice as many fatalities, or as trump calls it we have met the moment, and we have prevailed. Stephen as trump we won and to celebrate, im giving every american a big marble trophy with their name on it and the year they were born its not like he doesnt know how dangerous reopening is. A leaked White House CoronavirusTask Force Report shows infections spiking more than 1,000 in some rural areas. For comment on that alarming statistic, we go now to old mcdonald. Eeeyeeeeye oohhhh stephen if those numbers sound bad, its because they are. According to johns hopkins, the United States has the most confirmed cases of covid19 in the world. Its not even close. Look at this chart of confirmed coronavirus cases. All these countries down here are countries that maintained social distancing. This pink line is us. We flattened the curve straight up. One science adviser predicted where were headed to infinite and beyond stephen dont jump i know its bad, but dont jump despite having about 4 of the worlds population, the United States has over 25 of the cases and fatalities. Yet, trump cant stop patting himself on the back. I think one of the things were most proud of is this just came out deaths per 100,000 people. Death. So deaths for 100,000 people, germany and the United States are at the lowest rung of that ladder, meaning low as a positive, not a negative. Germany and the United States are the two best in deaths per 100,000 people, which, frankly, to me, thats perhaps the most important number there is. Stephen oh, heres another important number 100 , which is how much of that he just yanked out of his keister. In fact, according to johns hopkins, of all the countries the United States ranks ninthhighest out of more than 140 countries. The United States has a worse record than such medical in this vital statistic, the United States is even worse than iran. Forcing iran to change their protest signs to death to america oh, wait. Never mind. They got it covered. Our governments response has been so bad that americans likely wont be allowed to visit europe any time soon. Forget europe. At this point, id settle for a trip to the International House of pancakes. Rooty tooty reporting for duty the lockdown is also affecting the 2020 election. Hey, remember that . Its just a few months away, and trump is itching to get back on the trail. Tomorrow, hes going to allentown, pennsylvania, where hell visit a medical equipment distribution center. He so wants to be doing stadium rallies, but instead, theyre making him do educational field trips. as trump wait a second, is there any way you can make these forklifts scream my name . Could they at least hold up a baby in a racist onesie . Trumps campaign plans are in stark contrast to those of his likely democratic opponent former Vice President and current instructor at seniors karate night, joe biden. Ee hunk me s nue caaigningn ents, and that. Virtually from home. That makes sense. You know the old saying, if it aint broke, dont fix it and if it is broke but rising in the polls, lock it in the basement. Bidens decision to stay socially isolated is getting some criticism from people in both parties, who say hes been hiding in his basement. as biden look, im not hidin, jack. No way basement is where i got my model trains and i took a solemn oath to serve the good people of gumdrop junction toottoot. Come on, i got the lights working on the water tower, and thats not easy cant get the cant get the switches to work. To fight back, biden went on the tv to tell america hes campaigning harder than ever. Were on the campaign trail now. Everybody says, you know, biden is hidein. Stephen no, dont help your enemies with a fun rhyme it will only backfire, just like the democrats disastrous 1948 slogan truman aint human. But as soon as its safe, biden is ready to hit the trail again. I mean, im anxious to go out and campaign, george. You know, when i campaign, im usually the first one there and the last one to leave. I enjoy interfacing with people stephen yes, we know, and you promised you were going to stop that. Home campaigning seems to be working for the former veep. Bidens lead is the steadiest on record, with his polls six points ahead of trump. Seems like the less voters see joe, the more they like him. Explains his campaigns new rally cry lock him up. Lock him up. Oh, we have got a great show for you tonight. Again, its my quarantine birthday. I will be talking with americas british sweetheart, hugh laurie. But when we return, kids ask me the darndest things. Stephen hey everybody, welcome back to a late show. Lets say hi to our friend jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon i want to wish you a happy birthday. Stephen thank you, thank you so much. Jon it is really, really been a pleasure and honor in my life to get to know you and see how genius you are and to work with you and to learn from you and to be a friend. I really just wanted to say that before we go any further. Thank you so much. Stephen thank you, jon. Im a very lucky man to have become friends from you and i learn a lot from you every night, both directly and through osmosis. Jon uhhuh. Stephen the way you approach life and the way you approach your work. So thank you so much. Look at what ive got quarantine birthday. Jon whats going on back there . Stephen my daughter ordered this and the kids put it up while i was out of the room. Isnt that nice . Jon it is beautiful to be with family at this time. Stephen it is, it is. Thank you, jon. Jon thank you so much. See you soon, hopefully. Stephen bye jon bye Stephen Jon Batiste upon everybody. Children no one knows where they come from, but its undeniable that some of us have them. And right now, while were all practicing social distancing, many children are being homeschooled. I know this can leave parents exhausted from answering the seemingly endless streams of questions that come from their kids, so tonight id like to the provide a service by answering some real questions from some real kids. Parents, you can spend the next few minutes throwing cold water on your face or screaming into a pillow. Just plop those minihumans in front of the tube, because its time for stephen takes your kids. Stephen hi, kids id like to start homeschooling with a little bit of question time where you can ask me any question about anything you might be curious about. And since im on tv, i know all the answers. If i didnt, why would i have a tv show . Thats lesson number one. Okay, lets get started. Whos got the first question . Stephen maria, there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Here comes one we all know the let it go of the one of the greatest times of all time. Into the unknown was a noble step to capture let it go. If anyone tells you into the unknown going to qts is better i want to slam the door. I dont care what they say. Let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway. Next question stephen good question, thomas. When we ask, why is there shipwrecks . We have to consider a number of different factors. Sometimes shims sink due to bad weather. Sometimes naval ships are sunk in battle. And sometimes, thomas and i know you will find this very hard to believe people who are completely unqualified are put in charge to ships and they dont listen to the experts and instead make decisions that endanger everyone else on the ship. But that just happens on ships. And it happens nowhere else. Next question stephen an eternal question, sadie. Some people willital you that worms help break down organic matter to make useful soil for plants, but the real answer sof course, that worms are baby snakes. Without worms there, would be no snakes, and we need snakes because. I think they eat bugs or something. Im not entirely sure. Ask your parents. Nequestion stephen edith, im proud of you. Thats a great question. Not every child is willing to face the reality when you turn four, your body will go ding. If your body goes pop, have your mom or dad call a director immediately. It might mean that your body skipped four and turned five by accident, and thats extremely painful. Next question stephen oh, okay. I didnt know this was a musical question. For, that ill defer to jon batiste. Jon nchtsz i think i see what youre getting at. What i would say in response is. Jon and that about sums it up. Stephen thanks, jon. I think we have time for one more. Stephen excellent question, ezra. Tell you what, im going to turn this one ever to astrophysicist, Neil Degrasse tyson. Ezremark the universe gl on before. But before forever comes were going to run out of gas to makes stars with. So all the stars you see in the sky, the sun included will eventually blink out one by one, plunging the yferls int universo eternal darkness. The very matter out of which were comprised will decay into its component parts, black holes will evaporate and the temperature of the universe will descend to absolute zero. So, at least for us, the universe will end not in fire but in ice. And not with a bang, but with a whimper. Have a nice day stephen thanks, neil. Well, there you have it, parents. I hope that gave you a little break. And if your kids have questions at home, please post a video to social media using the hashtag colbert kid questions and we might just feature it in our next installmentment of, stephen takes your kids. Again, we need a better title. Well be right back. It just you understand what it sounds like. Okay. It does help us save. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. Round and round what comes around, goes around. 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If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. Capital one knows life doesnt update you about your credit card. So meet eno. The capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Whats in your wallet . Stephen welcome back, everybody. He is a very funny man you know from house, veep, jeeves and wooster, blackaddar, the night manager, and avenue 5. Please welcome to a late show, hugh laurie nice to see you again. Thanks so much for being here. No, its a real pleasure nd a privilege to see you looking so hale and hearty and keeping the world sane. Its an absolute delight. Stephen im not sure im an example of sanity, but thank you very much. I like the new haircut. Is this a coronavirus haircut or for a part . Its sort of a coronavirus haircut. When the rest of the world were scratching around for toilet paper i decided to get my haircut in bulk. Stephen get it out of the way for the year. Get it out of the way. So i just put my head in a blender, and this is what you see. Stephen nice. This is actually quite long. In fact, it was absolutely, like i was a pool ball for a while. Stephen yes. You look mildly institutionalized. Yeah. Im getting a little shaggy back here. But, no, this is me for the duration. Stephen how are you riding out the quarantine . Where are where are you where are you bunkered and hunkered down . I am, of course, calling to you from high up in the bavarrian alps. Stephen good. Its a place i keep. No, im just outside just outside london, and in a very, very gilded cage. I am unbelievably lucky. I cannot believe how lucky i am, compared to what so many other people are having to go through. Its extraordinary. I dont i dont deserve it. But im taking it. Im very, very lucky. Stephen i like that attitude. I think i think well stephen take it while youica k, because who knows what the world will be like six months from now. Exactly. Because, by the way, im a 60yearold man, im lucky enough not to have it, as far as i know, but if i get it, im in the i dont know what color they give me on the demographic. I think im sort of orange to red. Stephen uhhuh. As a likely candidate. But