Good time come on, come on everyone together summer feels fit forever come on, come on everyone together its a late show with stephen colbert. Tonight sicko de mayo. Plus, stephen welcomes stephen king and musical guest sheryl crow featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its stephen colbert. Stephen oh, hi and welcome to a late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. Happy Cinco De Mayo to all of our mexican, mexicanamerican, and mexicurious viewers. I just want to say, have a wonderful day, in spanish. Cinco de mayo is really handy this year, because its the first time ive been sure of the date in two months. Thanks to Cinco De Mayo, i know its the cinco of mayo. But this tweet i posted last Cinco De Mayo has not aged well happy Cinco De Mayo 2019 i cant wait to go to a crowded bar and get some corona in me oh, big news from the endangered world of listening to scientists, because we learnedts to wind down the Coronavirus Task force. No dont do that we still nee it would be like if apollo 13 went like this houston, we have a problem. Roger, apollo 13, were going to start winding down mission. Control. Byeee, felicia stephen when trump said as the weather gets warmer, it would miraculously go away, i didnt know he meant our response. So far, the information is a little murky, because Officials Say the task forces gradual demise might never be formally announced. So we might not ever really know what happened to the group that was supposed to let us know what was really happening . How will we find out . Do we need a Coronavirus Task force task force . Of course, the warning signs on the task force have been there for a while. Trump has stopped linking his news briefings on the virus to the Task Force Meetings and no longer routinely arrays Task Force Members around him in his public appearances. Yes, because the reason no one trusted those briefings was everybody else. as trump hey, guys, im breaking up the band. From now on, its just going to be the guy everyone is there to see president ringo. Privately, trumps advisers have been telling him that talking about the Health Implications of this virus is politically risky, so instead, the focus will be on therapeutics, Vaccine Development, and testing. Basically, it looks like trumps going to try and declare victory over the coronavirus before the if thats true, hes going to want to go down to the basement of the white house and dig out that gently used banner but hell want to make a small change. Transmission accomplished. And the task force arent the only experts hes ignored. We now have more evidence, former director of the Biomedical Advanced Research and Development Authority and special agent in a tnt crime drama thats somehow been on for nine seasons, dr. Rick bright. Now, despite being an expert in his field which, again, is Vaccine Development bright was ousted from his job earlier this year after he refused to toe the white house line on coronavirus. Today, bright filed an extensive whistleblower complaint. Bright says he tried to sound the alarm about covid9 back in january, but was met with indifference, which then developed into hostility, or as they call it in the white house, the full melania. The complaint goes on it was obvious that dr. Brights persistent demands for urgent action to respond to the pandemic had caused a bleep storm and were unwelcoe in the office of the h. H. S. Secretary. You see, during that time, the white house was trying desperately to play down the bleep storm, saying it was a nothing more than seasonal turdsprinkle. Bright also pushed back on administration cronyism, saying he resisted efforts to extend a contract with a Company Whose c. E. O. , he was told, was a friend of Jared Kushner. Well, im not sure that one checks out. I find it hard to believe that Jared Kushner has friends. Now, were in week ocho of the quarantine, and trump is anxious to get the economy moving again, as he explained in todays rare quarantine edition of. Chopper talk. Stephen trump was on his way to tour a Honeywell Aerospace factory in arizona thats making n95 masks, and he was pretty excited hello, everybody. So, im leaving for arizona. Were going to be at the honeywell plant, which is doing great work for us. And it will be, i think, a great day. Stephen wow, thats a but then again, trump has always seen the glass as half full of bleach. Given mike pences maskfree mayo clinic debacle, reporters were eager to know whether. Trump would be wearing one. Reporter will you wear a mask . If its a mask facility, yeah, i will. Stephen of course, you wouldnt want to wear a mask somewhere stupid like a hospital. as trump ill only wear a mask if its a mask facility. Same way i only eat cheesecake at the cheesecake factory, and i only take a bath at bed bath beyond. Trump was then asked whether it was right to open the country when new projections show tens of thousands moe fatalities. Look, models have been very inaccurate. Ive seen models that are very inaccurate. Stephen its true. He has seen models that were very inaccurate. He couldve sworn they were 18. The question of how soon we should reopen the economy is a tough one, as explained by current top goverment epidemiologist and former microscope zaddy, dr. Anthony fauci. How do you combat peoples willingness to accept more cases, to accept even more death . Well, you know, its the balance of something thats a very difficult choice. Like, how many deaths and how much suffering are you willing to accept to get back to what you want to be, some form of normality, sooner rather than later . Stephen its an ageold idea once posed by nathan hale i regret that you have but one life to give so i can go bowling. Woo mark it it seems really doubtful that we can reopen the economy this soon and keep the disaster under control. But, of course, anyone whos seen donald trump knows hes always wants to have his cake and grope it, too. Because even though trump made a big deal about releasing his own social distancing guidelines, he now shows no problem with states that ignore them. Just like moses coming down from the mountain and crying, behold these Ten Commandments but if you really want to get the economy humming, i hear golden calves are a bigticket item. One man who agrees with the president and former new jersey governor and closest ill ever had to an ed mcmahon, chris christie. Christie says we have a patriotic duty to get the economy moving again. Stephen yes, shopping during a pandemic is exactly Like Fighting hitler. Im sure years from now, our sacrifice will be immortalized in the movie saving private ryan 20 on select items. And its not just people youve heard of taking a stand. Theres also ohio state representative and joseph a blank stare, nino vitale. Last week, ohios governor recommended that all ohioans wear a mask in public to prevent the spread of coronavirus, but yesterday, vitale said that he refuses to wear a face mask because god created humans without one. Okay, adam and eve didnt wear masks. But they also didnt wear pants. So im callin b. S. Until nino holds a press conference like. This. Vitale thinks the face isex, when we think about the image and likeness of god, do we think of a chest or our legs or our arms . We think of a face. Yes, we do. And its morgan freemans. Vitale wrapped it up, saying of the face, thats the image of god right there, and i want to see it in my brothers and sisters. Classic goodguy statement i want to look you in the eyes while i kill you. Now, there is one politician out there fighting back against the rush to open the economy new york governor and vampire seeing the sunrise one last time before bursting into flames, andrew cuomo. At his daily press briefing, cuomo challenged the idea that we should sacrifice peoples lives for the economy. The fundamental question, which were not articulating, is how much is a human life worth . Thats the real discussion that no one is admitting openly or freely, but we should. To me, i say cost of human life, a human life is priceless. Period. Stephen i gotta say thats a refreshing contrast to trumps position a human life is worth about one trip to buffalo wild wings. And there is good news for poom who always wanted to suffer at sea because Carnival Cruise lines plans to sail again starting in august. That is insane going on a cruise right now would be the worst idea for a boat trip since boat trip. And theres big news out of italy, a. K. A. Europes florida. Italy was one of the countries hardest hit by the pandemic. But as of monday, millions of people are returning to work in italy after weeks in lockdown. Finally, italians can get back to work making pizza, preparing tax forms, performing openheart surgery. Thats aspicy amalpractice. Italys Prime Minister says italians are now free to visit people with whom they enjoy stable affection, which may include lovers. Of course, for lonely italian farmers, stable affection means something totally different. Oh, trump recently took an hour out of his busy schedule during ede pandemic to sit down with he may skip the correspondents dinner. That is breaking news, because donald trump is not a guy who usually skips cirn. Edia starts g him fairly and claims he had a good time back in 2011, but he had some harsh words for one former host. Its nice to know that trump is staying laser focused on the ball during a crisis. Reminds me of f. D. R. december 7, 1941, a date that will live in infamy because groucho marx is a notalent hack. Im a three stooges man woo woo woo woo stephen trump went on how do these guys get jobs . I dont get it. How does a seth meyers, how does colbert has no talent. Theres nothing funny about him, nothing funny. You look at some of these people and you say, how do they get a job . Well, i cant speak for seth. Hes very talented, but im an idiot. The only reason i have a job is because i married the daughter of donald cbs, and for some reason, he keeps putting me in charge of everything. Another work from home day in the books. Time for a [whistle] charlie, cocktail . Bobby . Mimi . Rodrigo, marchello . Professor smith, would you care to join me for a cocktail in the lounge . Uncle cliff, look at you. Maurice have you met kendall . Kendall have you met maurice . Elanor, back from paris i see. Miss livingston, care to set the mood . Well, i believe were in good company. Lets drink to that. Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. The family has to share one. Are expensive, step up with boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones when you switch or dont and prepare to lose some furniture got it step up with boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month or dont and remodel the living room switch to boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones, all on our super reliable, super fast network. As an essential service, boost mobile is committed to keeping you connected by remaining open. Just in case i see your face i may be acting crazy now its getting late they took my heart away but ill be okay, cause in my dream world im still your dream girl ooh, im still your dream girl ooh stephen welcome back, everybody im here just scatin with my friend jon batiste. Babado. Stephen are you writing anything jon . Are you write anything music right now . I am writing a lot of music. I was listening to joe beam. Antonio carlos joe beam. Stephen i dont know joe beam. He wrote the girl from impnina stephen oh, so smooth jon woo stephen jon, could you play us a little song before we go on . Jon yeah, yeah, yeah, lets get happenin. Stephen jon batiste, everybody you know, i spend a lot of time out here carefully picking the ripest news berries from the topical coffee tree, gently handpulping them to remove the bean tem perfection toat strong, yet delicate, italian espresso that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to throw together a halffinished can of and a shot of fireball to create the lawsuitready bootleg energy drink of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, florida deputies arrested a man who had been living out his quarantine on a shuttered disney world island. Of course, he had no chance of hiding from the police. Its a small world, after all. Quarantinewhile, Many Americans cant wait for the lockdown to end so they can have their sports back. And some sports arent waiting. Recently, the professional bull riding tour became the first sport to return since the covid19 shutdown. I say, if you really want to bring back bull riding, each rider gets eight seconds to try to put a mask on it. The event was held on a ranch in oklahoma with no fans in attendance, and some say professional bull riding or p. B. R. May have set the template for all other major sports now to follow. Yes, all sports should follow their model. I, for one, cant wait to see the bulls vs. Bulls. The event had no audience, and precautions were taken for riders, who were provided custom masks along with protective gloves and safety glasses, because, as the c. E. O. Of p. B. R. Put it, you cant be too safe. Its a weird comment from the sport of bull riding. Ronnie, i dont care if you just got trampled by a 1,600pound animal. Please cough the blood into your and its not just bull riding. Nascar is scheduled to make its return to racing on sunday, may 17. The event will have no audience but will air live on fox, mrn, and Siriusxm Nascar radio. Oh, theres nothing like curling up around the radio to listen to some nascar, then maybe smell a hockey game and lick a track meet. Quarantinewhile, according to a new survey, the cuomo brothers are now more desired than the Jonas Brothers. Let me be the first to say i did not realize those sets of brothers were after the same demographic. Being hot is the Jonas Brothers thing. Were the cuomos brothers also voted more handy than the Property Brothers and more italian than the mario brothers . The survey was conducted by long island matchmaker and matchmaker who is clearly from long island, maureen tara nelson. Every year, nelson asks her clients who they consider an ideal mate, and in her latest batch of responses, the cuomo brothers won in a tie for the most handsome men in new york. So, i guess the cats out of the bag. I dont live in new york. This next story belongs to my longrunning meanwhile subsegment, meatwhile. Meatwhile, costco is limiting how much meat customers can buy. Its really strange to hear the words thats enough from a retailer that will literally sell you a 72pound wheel of cheese. Quarantinewhile, bestselling young adult author Stephenie Meyer has announced the publication of a new twilight book called midnight sun. great news for fans of the original books, but a tough break for my competing series doug, the very horny vampire. But this isnt exactly a new story. The book is actually a retelling of the first book from the vampires perspective and this version is much longer. Because the only thing better than a story youve already heard, is a story youve already heard that takes much longer. But this does bode well for more retellings of popular y. A. Novels, like the new Harry Potter Series from voldemorts perspective tom riddle and the annoying kid with glasses i keep trying to kill. Thats it for quarantinewhile. When we come back, one of my producers lets his child cut his hair. Its worth sticking around. Keep it clean with the roomba robot vacuum. Only roomba uses 2 multisurface rubber brushes to clean all your floors. And with patented dirt detect technology, roomba finds dirt throughout your home. If its not from irobot, its not a roomba. [sniffing] dont get mad. Get e trade and get more than just trading. Investing. Banking. Guidance. More than ever, your home is your sanctuary. Thats why lincoln offers you the ability topang dealers. An effortless transaction all without leaving the comfort and safety of your home. Thats the power of sanctuary. And for a little extra help, receive 0 apr financing and defer your first payment up to 120 days on the purchase of a new lincoln. 16. laughter how many pints of iced tea are left in the pitcher . Times. Ten. So, wait. errhhhhh do you want to show us the continents on the. No. It is not going good. My mom is getting stressed out. speaks hebrew mommas tired. I, im, like. Woooo. screams sighs heavily so, starting just quickly by breathing in. I never thought id say this, but i kind of miss school the teachers, i mean, yall are gifted people i thank you so much for what youre doing. Their investment into our children is beyond what we can even imagine. Appreciate all that you do. No surprise, im still at home. And chances are, so are you. But while most of us are doing our part to stay home and stay safe, some protesters have actually been risking infection by taking to the streets and demanding nonessential services, like haircuts for example, this protester in wisconsin with an i want a haircut sign. And this guy in los angeles who demanded to know who do i have to screw for a haircut . A sign that really should have read, is there any haircut i could get that would make someone sexually attracted to me . Now, some states have started loosening restrictions on nonessential businesses, but in places like new york, salons and barbershops remain closed. Weve been locked up for almost two moths now, and were getting a little shaggy. But that does not mean you cant still find ways to look good. In fact, one of my producers, barry, recently wanted a haircut, and instead of storming the nearest government building with an automatic weapon, he thought of a way to get one at home. Jim. Stephen hey, barry. Hey, stephen. Stephen how long has it been since you got a haircut . At a guess, five months. Stephen five months . You know weve only been sequestered for 6 weeks. Is there anything youre going to miss about having the long hair . The one thing i will miss is the abi