Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert dems the break week 2020. Candidates gone but not forgotten, except the ones weve forgotten. Tonight, all hail breaks loose. And stephen makes a new lord of the rings trilogy. Plus stephen welcomes senator Kamala Harris, and musical guest, Lady Antebellum. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello happy thursday. Please have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much. Welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is cheers and applause and you can feel the excitement. Everybody is so excited about day five of the live impeachment hearings. Yeah. The witnesses have been compelling. E ated wt the whistleblower said, but the people on the tv say the whole thing has one problem the issue keeps on being kind of complicated for people to follow. Has this gotten too confusing for the American People . There are too many names, and too many of you tell me youre too confused. I know that sometimes its not easy to follow all these all the names in this particular saga. Stephen are you seriously claiming that its not easy for americans to follow sagas with a lot of characters . Have you heard of game of thrones . laughter for petes sake cheers and applause it was pretty popular ill tell you, these hearings are a lot like game of thrones. The g. O. P. Is full of white walkers. laughter Lindsey Graham has clearly had his balls cut off, and at least one character has indicated he wants to sleep with a family member. Jon oh, my goodness what . Stephen thats why jon why . Stephen thats why jon why . Stephen im not naming names. Jon what . cheers and applause stephen that joke was based on a true story. laughter thats why, for one night only, were rechristening our coverage of the impeachment hearings game of phones a song of lies and liars. bird caw stephen now, despite what the old brain trust there claim, this is a very simple story. Trump released the transcript of his perfect phone call back in september, in which the president of ukraine said he wants more military aid. Then trump immediately replied, i would like you to do us a favor, though, and then asked zelensky to investigate clintons server and joe biden. Not rocket surgery. But to help everyone remember, weve written this catchy jingle. Severybody cheers and applause displ stephen now nicely d. Jon nice jingle. Stephen by lenin laughter now, todays testimony was also easy for you to understand and hard for trump to swallow. First up diplomatic aide and 1960s Sears Roebuck mannequin, david holmes. Holmes was stationed in ukraine, and leading up to the swearing in of the new ukrainian president , he said there was a slight problem. At one point, during a preliminary meeting of the inaugural delegation, someone wondered aloud why mr. Giuliani was so active in the meeting, with respect to ukraine. My recollection was that ambassador sondland stated, dammit, rudy. Every time rudy gets involved, he goes and fs everything up. laughter jon oh, wow. En applause piano riff jon fsmoing to say means y funs things up. He is one dumb motherfunner. laughter Holmes Holmes is best known for overhearing trumps phone call with Gordon Sondland in a ukrainian restaurant, but trump says thats impossible. I have been watching people making phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have i been watching a person make a call, which was not on speakerphone, and been able to hear or understand a conversation. laughter really . Really . cheers and applause really . Maybe because youve been watching phone calls. laughter try listening to them. as trump no matter how wide i opened my eyes, i couldnt hear a thing. I might need glasses. laughter the other witness today was former white house advisor and role thats going to finally win Laurie Metcalf an oscar, fiona hill. Dr. Hill grew up in england and reputation for not suffering fools lightly. Once, a boy in her class set one of her pigtails on fire while she was taking a test. She put out the fire with her hands, then finished the test. cheers and applause stephen oh, my gosh she is jon thats fierce stephen that is tough that is tough you dont mess with that. She is tough. She is a terror in pigtails. Forget pippi longstocking, shes pippi asskicking. cheers and applause agah the first butts she booted this morning were republicans who insist on floating bizarre conspiracy theories about the 2016 election. Based on questions and statements i have heard, some of you on this committee appear to believe that russia and its Security Services did not conduct a campaign against our country, and that perhaps, somehow, for some reason, ukraine did. This is a fictional narrative that has been perpetrated and propagated by the russian Security Services themselves. These fictions are harmful, even if they are deployed for purely domestic political purposes. Stephen as dumb republican oh, really . Are you sure . Because this article in russia today says that youre an illuminati lizard person, and i am a very smart handsome man. cheers and applause laughter now, hill hill had a stark warning for americans. The russian governments goal is to weaken our country. Stephen sorry, russia. You already got beat to the punch by legal weed and netflix. laughter hill confirmed previous reports that nobody likes Rudy Giuliani. Ambassador bolton had looked pained, basically indicated with body language that there was nothing much we could do about it. And he then, in the course of that discussion, said that Rudy Giuliani was a hand grenade that was going to blow everyone up. laughter stephen i dont know about hand grenade. Rudy seems more like a molotov cocktail used by russians and full of alcohol. cheers and applause hill explained piano riff these are quality people. These are quality people. Stephen hill explained that she attended a meeting with ambassador bolton, rick perry, and ambassador sondland on july 11, where sondland brought up the conditions for zelensky to get a meeting with trump. After the meeting, bolton was sr ked out that he told hill to go immediately to the n. S. C. Lawyer john eisenberg. You tell eisenberg, ambassador bolton told me, that i am not part of the this whatever drug deal that mulvaney and sondland are cooking up. Stephen yes, sondland and mulvaney were cooking up a drug deal. Its all in the new drama, breaking bald. laughter applause prestige. A prestige drama. Jon doggone. Stephen then dr. Hill told the committee exactly how she felt about Gordon Sondland promoting the president s political agenda in ukraine. It struck me when, yesterday, when you put up on the screen ambassador sondlands emails and who was on the emails, and he said, these are the people that need to know, that he was absolutely right. Because he was being involved in a domestic political errand, and we were being involved in National Security foreign policy. I did say to him, ambassador sondland, gordon, i fear this is all going to blow up. And here we are. Stephen as hill and now that it has, ive prepared a brief statement. in your face, in your face, i was right, so suck it cheers and applause so suck it. laughter cheers and applause clears throat. So suck it, you witless wanker. laughter sorry, i had a little frog in my throughout. I like her a lot. Yesterday, during the impeachment hearings, trump traveled to austin, texas, where he toured an apple manufacturing plant. Oh, that must have been confusing for him. as trump ah, guys, theres a name for an apple plant. Its called a tree. laughter while touring the factory, a reporter asked trump how he felt about Gordon Sondlands testimony what did you make of ambassador sondlands testimony this morning . Well, i think it was fantastic. I think they have to end it now. He said there was no quid pro quo. Stephen no. laughter no, he didnt. Sondland said this was there a quid pro quo . The answer is yes. laughter cheers and applause jon wow. He said yes. It was clearly yes. Yes. Stephen well, you can understand trumps confusion. There are at least 19 women who say he cant hear the difference between yes and no. audience reacts piano riff applause now, after his visit, trump proudly tweeted, today i opened a major apple manufacturing plant in texas. Wow, that would be quite an accomplishment, if that plant hadnt been operating since 2013. Jon oh, man. Stephen no surprise, though, no surprise. Jon thats 44. Thats 44. applause stephen its right up there, its right there in trumps reelection slogan, promises made, promises kept by obama, six years ago. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Senator Kamala Harris is here. But when we come back, new zealand week continues, when Peter Jackson and i premiere my new lord of the rings trilogy. Dont miss this. cheers and applause band playing so im gonna hold on promoting you this quarter. Cool . Drop the taco. Get in the car. Does this sentra feel like a compromise to you . Wait, what. . The handling is good, right . No compromise there. Nope watch this. Umm. Bbrie. Brie brie rear automatic braking. So if this Nissan Sentra isnt gonna compromise, why shld y u rht atta girl. The allnew Nissan Sentra. With more standard safety features than any other car in its class. With more standard safety features too many afterparties. New neutrogena® bright boost with dullnessfighting neoglucosamine. Boosts cell turnover by 10 times for instantly brighter skin. Bright boost neutrogena®. Its a like, a dagger . A worm a tiny sword . Bread. Breadstick . A matchstick a lamppost coin slot no . Uhhh. 10 seconds. A stick a Walking Stick eiffel tower, Mount Kilimanjaro ding time sorry, its a tandem bicycle. What . What . as long as sloths are slow, you can count on geico saving folks money. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause jon hey, yeah stephen jon, we all watched the debate last night and a lot and a rot of people say one of the winners outs there, who did very well, Kamala Harris. Shes our guest tonight. E. En fifs o but untill f, i een sharing with you my incredible trip to new zealand. It is such a beautiful and magical country that im not surprised it was used as the locations for middle earth in the lord of the rings and the hobbit trilogies. And as you may know, writer and director Peter Jackson cast me in the hobbit the desolation of smaug. I had the very Important Role of laketown spy. laughter so when i was back in new zealand, i sat down with myreusl the original priceless miniature sets used in lord of the rings. Peter, thanks for having us down to your studio here in wellington. Its fantastic. Stephen as everyone knows, i appeared in the hobbit the desolation of smaug. Yeah, yeah. Stephen now, you have decades of experience directing. How would you describe my sixsecond appearance on screen . Well, it was profound. You took it very seriously. You took it more seriously than i thought you would. Stephen i think i took it more seriously than you did. I think you took it more seriously than any actor in the film. Stephen what was your favorite moment from my performance. When the eye patch fell, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen fell that time . Yeah, yeah. That was that was thats a skill. Stephen thank you. People just say lines, and they can they can walk around. But just to do that with one little flick, thats like thats an actor using their costume in in an emotional way. Stephen their instrument. Uhhuh. Stephen you know, being back here gives me an idea. And hear me out before you say, yes, yes, absolutely yes. What if we spun off my character, laketown spy, into his own series of trilogies . What about this for a back story . My character is actually aragorns slightly hotter twin brother, darrylgorn. I think its kind of believable, because a lot of people go you know, when im walking on the streets in new york, they go, are you Viggo Mortensen . And i go, no, im not. And they go they go, stop messing with me. I go, i promise you, im not Viggo Mortensen. In what ways do i remind you of viggo . As a professional, as a director. Youve directed both of us. I remind well very very little, in fact, whichod. laughter because youre original. Youre youre oneoff, you youre not youre nothing like viggo. Stephen what i want to ask you is, obviously, i i hear direct this movie . Well, look no. Stephen okay. laughter lets put that on hold for a second. Lets put the no aside and put it in a little box called yes,and then close the lid and lock it and leave it right there, okay . So you dont know what the answer is right now. It says like, it says yes on the box. We dont know what the answer is. Could be no. Its rattling around trying to get out. Theres a no inside it, but stephen theres a no inside the yes box, but right now, we cant tell that because weve locked in no, okay. Stephen youre known for your cameos. Well, youre youre the carrot man in bree. In the two towers, you throw a spear out at the urukhai coming up to helms deep. In the return of the king, you got shot with an arrow on one of the black ships, the corsairs of umbar. What if i could offer you a gratuitous cameo . Wow. As we can shoot fast. Stephen great, because we already maji stephen i cannot tell you from whence i came or what my errand may be. Know only this i am called the laketown spy. Mayhap you recognize my visage from the desolation of smaug. laughter nothing . You know who smaug is, right . Dragon. Big guy. Hard to miss. Breathes fire, like dragons do. And he desolated everything. I was in that. It was kind of a big deal. First there was the lord of the rings trilogy. Then, the lord of the rings extended cut. Then, the hobbit trilogy. Then, the hobbit extended cut. And now, after 1,179 minutes, the real saga finally begins. laughter stephen legends hold that aragorn had an evenmoreruggedly handsome identical twin. And who might that be . laughter guys . Come on, its me i am. laughter darrylgorn. From the mind of the creator of the lord of the ringss biggest fan. Ph he says thats not a tree. Thats an ent. And i said, no wonder all this syrup tastes so funny. Come on i was sexually pleasuring a tree. Oh, a text for me oh, no biggie. Just a message from my bestie, gandalf, asking me to save middle earth. Again. An epic journey. Hurry stephen hey, guys, i really got a feeling that the adventure is down hill. Oh, yeah, i hear the black riders. Im going to go give them one for gar hon al cen egor na hon dol lyst . Hon thia al be aragorn. Stephen uh, guys, i speak elvish. I know what you guys were saying. Something about aragorn. Pretty sure. The greatest lover. I have made my choice. Stephen but youre engaged to my brother. There is no hope for us. There is still hope. Stephen you must stay with him. And just imagine hes me. Shhhhh. Dont cry. Dont cry, my love. Okay, maybe just a quickie. But dont tell him. laughter ste forge est warrior. Ofime, it is known by its ancient name swordy mcswordface. We held an online contest. It was a big mistake. The greatest wizard. Stephen hold it in your mind, wormtongue. Hold it but do not tell me. Is this your card . The greatest comedian. Stephen so then i said boromir . I hardly know her. weird slow laugh stephen you like that one . Have you heard the one about the guy who milks the ent . laughing the greatest fan. Stephen and i know everybody thinks that sauron defeated aragorn when aragorn looked through the palantir. But heres what actually happened aragorn confronts sauron using the palantir of orthanc, so sauron thinks that aragorn has defeated saruman and taken the palantir for his own as the heir of elendil. But by implication, hes taken the ruling ring, okay . So what does sauron do . He attacks minas tirreth before hes ready, man. He got totally played by aragorn. I mean, aragorns all up in saurons head. Or giant, you know, flaming eyeball. Whatever it is. Anyway, i attack with a longsword. 10 points damage. Your initiative. The film everyone is talking about. A gripping mystery. As to why this was made. Variety. Theres no movie i wont blurb, says peter travers, rolling stone. Cease and desist. J. R. R. Tolkiens estate. laughter a legendary cast, starring Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause stephen hey, frodo, you dropped your ring i dont know what the big deal is. Its not being corrupted by absolute evil. Whoo there it goes oh, yeah, oh i, darrylgorn the great, will create a dominion that will rule for all. Im just kidding. Im just joking with you guys. Im just joking. It doesnt actually work that fast. Whoop yeah, now its kicking in and introducing sir Peter Jackson as his loyal servant, gratuitous of cameo. Let us journey on towards the knowns hogw, where we shall be sorted by the magic hat stephen okay, thats harry potter. Quidditch . Thats middle earth. Stephen no. The grey wizard, dumbledore . Stephen have you never read these books . There are books . Stephen and, reprising his role as gandalf, ian mckellen. Absolutely not stephen and Academy Award nominee Viggo Mortensen makes his triumphant return as aragorn. Aragorn, Academy Award nominee, Viggo Mortensen. Stephen, stop. Stop sending these camera guys after me all over the world. So, youre not doing it . No, i cant do it. I already told you, and if you keep harrassing me im going to have to sic my lawyers on you. Okay. Then, reprising his role as frodo, elijah wood yeah, bleep it, im in. cheers and applause a film 20 years in the making. Concentrate, young padawan. Use the force. Stephen come on, man, that is star wars this shot looks . Stephen colbert presents Stephen Colbert<\/a> dems the break week 2020. Candidates gone but not forgotten, except the ones weve forgotten. Tonight, all hail breaks loose. And stephen makes a new lord of the rings trilogy. Plus stephen welcomes senator Kamala Harris<\/a>, and musical guest, Lady Antebellum<\/a>. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert<\/a> cheers and applause stephen hello happy thursday. Please have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much. Welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert<\/a>. And it is cheers and applause and you can feel the excitement. Everybody is so excited about day five of the live impeachment hearings. Yeah. The witnesses have been compelling. E ated wt the whistleblower said, but the people on the tv say the whole thing has one problem the issue keeps on being kind of complicated for people to follow. Has this gotten too confusing for the American People<\/a> . There are too many names, and too many of you tell me youre too confused. I know that sometimes its not easy to follow all these all the names in this particular saga. Stephen are you seriously claiming that its not easy for americans to follow sagas with a lot of characters . Have you heard of game of thrones . laughter for petes sake cheers and applause it was pretty popular ill tell you, these hearings are a lot like game of thrones. The g. O. P. Is full of white walkers. laughter Lindsey Graham<\/a> has clearly had his balls cut off, and at least one character has indicated he wants to sleep with a family member. Jon oh, my goodness what . Stephen thats why jon why . Stephen thats why jon why . Stephen im not naming names. Jon what . cheers and applause stephen that joke was based on a true story. laughter thats why, for one night only, were rechristening our coverage of the impeachment hearings game of phones a song of lies and liars. bird caw stephen now, despite what the old brain trust there claim, this is a very simple story. Trump released the transcript of his perfect phone call back in september, in which the president of ukraine said he wants more military aid. Then trump immediately replied, i would like you to do us a favor, though, and then asked zelensky to investigate clintons server and joe biden. Not rocket surgery. But to help everyone remember, weve written this catchy jingle. Severybody cheers and applause displ stephen now nicely d. Jon nice jingle. Stephen by lenin laughter now, todays testimony was also easy for you to understand and hard for trump to swallow. First up diplomatic aide and 1960s Sears Roebuck<\/a> mannequin, david holmes. Holmes was stationed in ukraine, and leading up to the swearing in of the new ukrainian president , he said there was a slight problem. At one point, during a preliminary meeting of the inaugural delegation, someone wondered aloud why mr. Giuliani was so active in the meeting, with respect to ukraine. My recollection was that ambassador sondland stated, dammit, rudy. Every time rudy gets involved, he goes and fs everything up. laughter jon oh, wow. En applause piano riff jon fsmoing to say means y funs things up. He is one dumb motherfunner. laughter Holmes Holmes<\/a> is best known for overhearing trumps phone call with Gordon Sondland<\/a> in a ukrainian restaurant, but trump says thats impossible. I have been watching people making phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have i been watching a person make a call, which was not on speakerphone, and been able to hear or understand a conversation. laughter really . Really . cheers and applause really . Maybe because youve been watching phone calls. laughter try listening to them. as trump no matter how wide i opened my eyes, i couldnt hear a thing. I might need glasses. laughter the other witness today was former white house advisor and role thats going to finally win Laurie Metcalf<\/a> an oscar, fiona hill. Dr. Hill grew up in england and reputation for not suffering fools lightly. Once, a boy in her class set one of her pigtails on fire while she was taking a test. She put out the fire with her hands, then finished the test. cheers and applause stephen oh, my gosh she is jon thats fierce stephen that is tough that is tough you dont mess with that. She is tough. She is a terror in pigtails. Forget pippi longstocking, shes pippi asskicking. cheers and applause agah the first butts she booted this morning were republicans who insist on floating bizarre conspiracy theories about the 2016 election. Based on questions and statements i have heard, some of you on this committee appear to believe that russia and its Security Services<\/a> did not conduct a campaign against our country, and that perhaps, somehow, for some reason, ukraine did. This is a fictional narrative that has been perpetrated and propagated by the russian Security Services<\/a> themselves. These fictions are harmful, even if they are deployed for purely domestic political purposes. Stephen as dumb republican oh, really . Are you sure . Because this article in russia today says that youre an illuminati lizard person, and i am a very smart handsome man. cheers and applause laughter now, hill hill had a stark warning for americans. The russian governments goal is to weaken our country. Stephen sorry, russia. You already got beat to the punch by legal weed and netflix. laughter hill confirmed previous reports that nobody likes Rudy Giuliani<\/a>. Ambassador bolton had looked pained, basically indicated with body language that there was nothing much we could do about it. And he then, in the course of that discussion, said that Rudy Giuliani<\/a> was a hand grenade that was going to blow everyone up. laughter stephen i dont know about hand grenade. Rudy seems more like a molotov cocktail used by russians and full of alcohol. cheers and applause hill explained piano riff these are quality people. These are quality people. Stephen hill explained that she attended a meeting with ambassador bolton, rick perry, and ambassador sondland on july 11, where sondland brought up the conditions for zelensky to get a meeting with trump. After the meeting, bolton was sr ked out that he told hill to go immediately to the n. S. C. Lawyer john eisenberg. You tell eisenberg, ambassador bolton told me, that i am not part of the this whatever drug deal that mulvaney and sondland are cooking up. Stephen yes, sondland and mulvaney were cooking up a drug deal. Its all in the new drama, breaking bald. laughter applause prestige. A prestige drama. Jon doggone. Stephen then dr. Hill told the committee exactly how she felt about Gordon Sondland<\/a> promoting the president s political agenda in ukraine. It struck me when, yesterday, when you put up on the screen ambassador sondlands emails and who was on the emails, and he said, these are the people that need to know, that he was absolutely right. Because he was being involved in a domestic political errand, and we were being involved in National Security<\/a> foreign policy. I did say to him, ambassador sondland, gordon, i fear this is all going to blow up. And here we are. Stephen as hill and now that it has, ive prepared a brief statement. in your face, in your face, i was right, so suck it cheers and applause so suck it. laughter cheers and applause clears throat. So suck it, you witless wanker. laughter sorry, i had a little frog in my throughout. I like her a lot. Yesterday, during the impeachment hearings, trump traveled to austin, texas, where he toured an apple manufacturing plant. Oh, that must have been confusing for him. as trump ah, guys, theres a name for an apple plant. Its called a tree. laughter while touring the factory, a reporter asked trump how he felt about Gordon Sondland<\/a>s testimony what did you make of ambassador sondlands testimony this morning . Well, i think it was fantastic. I think they have to end it now. He said there was no quid pro quo. Stephen no. laughter no, he didnt. Sondland said this was there a quid pro quo . The answer is yes. laughter cheers and applause jon wow. He said yes. It was clearly yes. Yes. Stephen well, you can understand trumps confusion. There are at least 19 women who say he cant hear the difference between yes and no. audience reacts piano riff applause now, after his visit, trump proudly tweeted, today i opened a major apple manufacturing plant in texas. Wow, that would be quite an accomplishment, if that plant hadnt been operating since 2013. Jon oh, man. Stephen no surprise, though, no surprise. Jon thats 44. Thats 44. applause stephen its right up there, its right there in trumps reelection slogan, promises made, promises kept by obama, six years ago. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Senator Kamala Harris<\/a> is here. But when we come back, new zealand week continues, when Peter Jackson<\/a> and i premiere my new lord of the rings trilogy. Dont miss this. cheers and applause band playing so im gonna hold on promoting you this quarter. Cool . Drop the taco. Get in the car. Does this sentra feel like a compromise to you . Wait, what. . The handling is good, right . No compromise there. Nope watch this. Umm. Bbrie. Brie brie rear automatic braking. So if this Nissan Sentra<\/a> isnt gonna compromise, why shld y u rht atta girl. The allnew Nissan Sentra<\/a>. With more standard safety features than any other car in its class. With more standard safety features too many afterparties. New neutrogena\u00ae bright boost with dullnessfighting neoglucosamine. Boosts cell turnover by 10 times for instantly brighter skin. Bright boost neutrogena\u00ae. Its a like, a dagger . A worm a tiny sword . Bread. Breadstick . A matchstick a lamppost coin slot no . Uhhh. 10 seconds. A stick a Walking Stick<\/a> eiffel tower, Mount Kilimanjaro<\/a> ding time sorry, its a tandem bicycle. What . What . as long as sloths are slow, you can count on geico saving folks money. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause jon hey, yeah stephen jon, we all watched the debate last night and a lot and a rot of people say one of the winners outs there, who did very well, Kamala Harris<\/a>. Shes our guest tonight. E. En fifs o but untill f, i een sharing with you my incredible trip to new zealand. It is such a beautiful and magical country that im not surprised it was used as the locations for middle earth in the lord of the rings and the hobbit trilogies. And as you may know, writer and director Peter Jackson<\/a> cast me in the hobbit the desolation of smaug. I had the very Important Role<\/a> of laketown spy. laughter so when i was back in new zealand, i sat down with myreusl the original priceless miniature sets used in lord of the rings. Peter, thanks for having us down to your studio here in wellington. Its fantastic. Stephen as everyone knows, i appeared in the hobbit the desolation of smaug. Yeah, yeah. Stephen now, you have decades of experience directing. How would you describe my sixsecond appearance on screen . Well, it was profound. You took it very seriously. You took it more seriously than i thought you would. Stephen i think i took it more seriously than you did. I think you took it more seriously than any actor in the film. Stephen what was your favorite moment from my performance. When the eye patch fell, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen fell that time . Yeah, yeah. That was that was thats a skill. Stephen thank you. People just say lines, and they can they can walk around. But just to do that with one little flick, thats like thats an actor using their costume in in an emotional way. Stephen their instrument. Uhhuh. Stephen you know, being back here gives me an idea. And hear me out before you say, yes, yes, absolutely yes. What if we spun off my character, laketown spy, into his own series of trilogies . What about this for a back story . My character is actually aragorns slightly hotter twin brother, darrylgorn. I think its kind of believable, because a lot of people go you know, when im walking on the streets in new york, they go, are you Viggo Mortensen<\/a> . And i go, no, im not. And they go they go, stop messing with me. I go, i promise you, im not Viggo Mortensen<\/a>. In what ways do i remind you of viggo . As a professional, as a director. Youve directed both of us. I remind well very very little, in fact, whichod. laughter because youre original. Youre youre oneoff, you youre not youre nothing like viggo. Stephen what i want to ask you is, obviously, i i hear direct this movie . Well, look no. Stephen okay. laughter lets put that on hold for a second. Lets put the no aside and put it in a little box called yes,and then close the lid and lock it and leave it right there, okay . So you dont know what the answer is right now. It says like, it says yes on the box. We dont know what the answer is. Could be no. Its rattling around trying to get out. Theres a no inside it, but stephen theres a no inside the yes box, but right now, we cant tell that because weve locked in no, okay. Stephen youre known for your cameos. Well, youre youre the carrot man in bree. In the two towers, you throw a spear out at the urukhai coming up to helms deep. In the return of the king, you got shot with an arrow on one of the black ships, the corsairs of umbar. What if i could offer you a gratuitous cameo . Wow. As we can shoot fast. Stephen great, because we already maji stephen i cannot tell you from whence i came or what my errand may be. Know only this i am called the laketown spy. Mayhap you recognize my visage from the desolation of smaug. laughter nothing . You know who smaug is, right . Dragon. Big guy. Hard to miss. Breathes fire, like dragons do. And he desolated everything. I was in that. It was kind of a big deal. First there was the lord of the rings trilogy. Then, the lord of the rings extended cut. Then, the hobbit trilogy. Then, the hobbit extended cut. And now, after 1,179 minutes, the real saga finally begins. laughter stephen legends hold that aragorn had an evenmoreruggedly handsome identical twin. And who might that be . laughter guys . Come on, its me i am. laughter darrylgorn. From the mind of the creator of the lord of the ringss biggest fan. Ph he says thats not a tree. Thats an ent. And i said, no wonder all this syrup tastes so funny. Come on i was sexually pleasuring a tree. Oh, a text for me oh, no biggie. Just a message from my bestie, gandalf, asking me to save middle earth. Again. An epic journey. Hurry stephen hey, guys, i really got a feeling that the adventure is down hill. Oh, yeah, i hear the black riders. Im going to go give them one for gar hon al cen egor na hon dol lyst . Hon thia al be aragorn. Stephen uh, guys, i speak elvish. I know what you guys were saying. Something about aragorn. Pretty sure. The greatest lover. I have made my choice. Stephen but youre engaged to my brother. There is no hope for us. There is still hope. Stephen you must stay with him. And just imagine hes me. Shhhhh. Dont cry. Dont cry, my love. Okay, maybe just a quickie. But dont tell him. laughter ste forge est warrior. Ofime, it is known by its ancient name swordy mcswordface. We held an online contest. It was a big mistake. The greatest wizard. Stephen hold it in your mind, wormtongue. Hold it but do not tell me. Is this your card . The greatest comedian. Stephen so then i said boromir . I hardly know her. weird slow laugh stephen you like that one . Have you heard the one about the guy who milks the ent . laughing the greatest fan. Stephen and i know everybody thinks that sauron defeated aragorn when aragorn looked through the palantir. But heres what actually happened aragorn confronts sauron using the palantir of orthanc, so sauron thinks that aragorn has defeated saruman and taken the palantir for his own as the heir of elendil. But by implication, hes taken the ruling ring, okay . So what does sauron do . He attacks minas tirreth before hes ready, man. He got totally played by aragorn. I mean, aragorns all up in saurons head. Or giant, you know, flaming eyeball. Whatever it is. Anyway, i attack with a longsword. 10 points damage. Your initiative. The film everyone is talking about. A gripping mystery. As to why this was made. Variety. Theres no movie i wont blurb, says peter travers, rolling stone. Cease and desist. J. R. R. Tolkiens estate. laughter a legendary cast, starring Stephen Colbert<\/a>. cheers and applause stephen hey, frodo, you dropped your ring i dont know what the big deal is. Its not being corrupted by absolute evil. Whoo there it goes oh, yeah, oh i, darrylgorn the great, will create a dominion that will rule for all. Im just kidding. Im just joking with you guys. Im just joking. It doesnt actually work that fast. Whoop yeah, now its kicking in and introducing sir Peter Jackson<\/a> as his loyal servant, gratuitous of cameo. Let us journey on towards the knowns hogw, where we shall be sorted by the magic hat stephen okay, thats harry potter. Quidditch . Thats middle earth. Stephen no. The grey wizard, dumbledore . Stephen have you never read these books . There are books . Stephen and, reprising his role as gandalf, ian mckellen. Absolutely not stephen and Academy Award<\/a> nominee Viggo Mortensen<\/a> makes his triumphant return as aragorn. Aragorn, Academy Award<\/a> nominee, Viggo Mortensen<\/a>. Stephen, stop. Stop sending these camera guys after me all over the world. So, youre not doing it . No, i cant do it. I already told you, and if you keep harrassing me im going to have to sic my lawyers on you. Okay. Then, reprising his role as frodo, elijah wood yeah, bleep it, im in. cheers and applause a film 20 years in the making. Concentrate, young padawan. Use the force. Stephen come on, man, that is star wars this shot looks . Stephen colbert presents Peter Jackson<\/a>s the lord of the rings series, the hobbit the desolation of smaugs the laketown spy is darrylgorn, in darrylgorn rising the rise of darrylgorn. The prequel to part one chapter one. Stephen am i invisible . Because i can see me. Should i be able to see me if im invisible . And theres nobody here. Oh, here comes the evil cheers and applause eers andpplause sen thank you to per Natural Beauty<\/a> of new zealand and have the adventure of a lifetime well be right back with senator Kamala Harris<\/a>. cheers and applause band playing ill pick it up theyre clean raps cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmi enjoy the go with charmin. More than ever, your home is your sanctuary. Thats why lincoln offers complimentary pickup and delivery servicing. Well pick up your vehicle and leave you with a lincoln loaner and the peace of mind that helps you focus on what matters most. Thats the power of sanctuary. And for a little extra help, you can now purchase a new lincoln remotely, and defer payment for up to 120 days. What started at my dining room table, has grown into a serious operation. Thats why i chose the spark cash card from capital one. With unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back in just one year which doubled our Marketing Budget<\/a> last summer and i saw 69 growth year over year my spark card is more than a credit card. It has actually helped me grow my business. Whats in your wallet . Keeping our customers, employees, and communities safe. It has actually helped me grow my business. During these Uncertain Times<\/a> get the Great Service<\/a> you expect without leaving the safety of your home. Shop at sprint. Com for the best new phone deals like the amazing iphone11 for just 15 a month. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com tv sports announcer yeah, thats my man there. Tv sports announcer time out. Lets go to a commercial. Nooooooo not another commercial when you bundle your home, auto and Life Insurance<\/a> with allstate you could save 25 . In fact, the more you bundle the more you can save. Put the other game on if its important to you allstate can protect it. Home auto and Life Insurance<\/a> you could save 25 . If its important to you allstate can protect it. Click or call for a quote today. But buick and gmcs commitment to you, remains the same. We understand you want to feel safe. So were offering current owners complementary onstar crisis assist services. Should you need a vehicle, were offering zero percent financing for up to 84 months with deferred Payment Options<\/a> for 120 days. Plus, you may have the option to shop online and take delivery at home. Visit our websites for the help you need. Buick and gmc. Were here to help. Visit our websites for the help you need. cheers and applause band playing stephen oh, hi ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a senator who served as californias attorney general and is currently running for president of the United States<\/a>. Please welcome senator Kamala Harris<\/a> cheers and applause band playing thank you. Stephen thank you for being here now, i want to talk about last nights debate. Okay. Stephen but before we do that, there is news that just broke that none of these people know about, the Washington Post<\/a> is reporting that Lindsey Graham<\/a> is launching a probe of the bidens, burisma, and ukraine. First question what the hell . Yeah. Stephen youre on judiciary with him. Yeah. Stephen what do you make of this . I make of it, its the same thing that they have been doing, which is to create a big distraction from the facts and the evidence. And, frankly, you know, my perspective is, leave joe alone. Just leave him alone. cheers and applause leave him alone. Because this has been you know, we know this from every day of the thank god, the opentothepublic hearings we have been witnessing. The burisma, the biden probe is a bunch of b. S. Stephen even, like, volcker said, there is nothing to this. Joe biden, you cannnot impugn his character to this. There is nothing to it. But it also speaks to the fact that they know they have to create this big distraction because theres a lot there that the American People<\/a> is focusing on that tells us about the fact that we have a criminal living in the white house. cheers and applause stephen your words, not mine, maam. laughter im still giving him a chance. I have no words. Stephen you said you said leave joe alone. Yeah. Stephen you did not leave him alone last night at the debate. There was a bit of a viral moment last night. Everyones talking about this moment with Vice President<\/a> biden. They know me. They know who i am. Three former chairs of the black caucus, the only black African American<\/a> woman ever elected to the United States<\/a> senate, the whole range of people. No thats not true. My point is thats not true. Thats not true. I said the first African American<\/a> woman, the first. So my point is stephen when he said that, did it register at first what he had said . Yes, actually. I mean, look, there are only okay, and this is a statement of a much bigger issue. In the 200plusyear history of the United States<\/a> senate, i am only the second black woman to serve in what is called the most deliberative body and one of the most respected political bodies in the world. And so, its an important fact. Stephen sure, yeah. Easily checkable. And i wanted to point it out. Stephen yes, you did. Yes, yes. Stephen now, this week, biden spoke against marijuana legalization. He says not to criminalize, but he says he thinks marijuana is a gateway drug might be a gateway drug and doesnt want to support legalization. You didnt always support legalization. What changed for you . Did your advisor, mary jane help at all . laughter you remember that rick james song, mary jane . Do you remember that . Stephen im afraid i dont. Okay, anyway. No, its very basic. Weve got to not just decriminalize. We need to legalize marijuana. It is it is the whole war on drugs was a complete failure, and we have criminalized whole populations of people. I mean, you want to talk about gateway . That approach is the gateway to americas problem of mass incarceration. cheers and applause thats the gateway thats, frankly, the gateway issue. So not only do i intend to legalize marijuana, but i will also tell you, stephen, that part of the big issue is weve got whole populations of, in particular, black and brown men and women who have been rcerat, whoe ne, ould now be coming out. We should be releasing them. We should be expunging their records. I will do all that stephen restoring their voting rights. Absolutely, restoring their rights. applause but, in addition, this has become one of the most the most profitable, newest industries in our country is basically selling weed. And so now all of these people who have been criminalized, right, should be first in line to get those jobs, to get the certificates to run those businesses. And under my administration, ill make sure that happens, because its the same thing, right . They were selling weed. These guys are selling weed. cheers and applause stephen onthejob training. Break it down. Stephen onthejob training. Right . Stephen you laid off most of your staff in new hampshire. Why give up in the live free or die state . E we livg free or dying right now . The cold, hard reality of running for president is that it yohaveo make hard desions. There are four primary states and iowa is the first state, and i need to do well there. And so we had to make a difficult decision about with limited resources where we were going to put them. I mean, if anybody wants to see me on that debate this is going to be a shameless plug stephen do it. If anybody wants to see me on the debate going toetotoe with donald trump, just like i took on jeff sessions, bill baur and bret calf now, please go to kamalaharris. Com and help. We need to get to iowa we need to get to iowa stephen well be back. When we come back, ill ask the senator who she thinks the impeachment inquiry should call as a next witness. Stick around. Iv. From the makers of truvada, a new prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. Descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. Talk to your doctor to find out if its right for you. Step up. For health and body. Prep up for your one and only love or many loves. For kings, this queen, and you royals in between. For my now. Our now. And my future. Our future. Deewestway to prep. 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Learn more at stepupprepup. Com ladies, my friends and i are having a debate. I have a back rash. Alright. Whoa, mara. I laugh like this. [ laughs obnoxiously ] its just not my scene. I couldnt help but over do you like insurance . I love insurance. Did you know you can save money bundling home and auto with progressive, and renters can bundle, too . I know, right . [ laughs ] [ singing continues ] whyd you stop . I was listening. 60 of women wear the wrong size pad, and can experience leaks. You dont have to with always my fit try the next size up and get up to 20 better coverage day or night because better coverage means better protection always. Thats why lincoln offers complimentary pickup and delivery servicing. Well pick up your vehicle and leave you with a lincoln loaner. Thats the power of sanctuary. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody, were back here with senator Kamala Harris<\/a>. There were five senators in that debate last night. Yeah. Stephen there is possibly going to be an impeachment trial. Yes. Stephen one impeachment happens, it goes to trial in the senate, for people out there. The rules are and i asked other senators who came on here the rules are you have to be silent for it. Stephen really, people taking a phone when theyre not supposed to . There are rules in the senate about what is protocol on the floor, but those rules are sometimes compromised. Stephen well, do you think do you think that 100 United States<\/a> senators can sit there like good little boys and girls and listen to this trial and be fair about it . Listen, i think that, among the things that is at stake now is truly the integrity of our democracy. And i dont have a lot of hope, frankly, that my republican colleagues in the senate are going to have the courage to stand up for what they know is wrong. Stephen, its wrong. Its wrong. This is not right, whats been going on with this administration. All the president s men i mean, if we are witnessing a criminal enterprise involving the president , the Vice President<\/a> , the secretary of c o. This is no laughing matter. This is no joke, and it is compromising our democracy. So i would hope that my colleagues, who have sworn to protect our country and our i nt know if they will, but i do believe the American People<\/a>, and regardless of who you voted for in the last election, that we know this is not right, and will step up. applause stephen i think youre right that they know its not right. Its a matter of do they think they will pay a price for not caring . As a prosecutor, as a prosecutor how many years were you a prosecutor . Oh, at least 15 years. Stephen as a prosecutor of 15 years, when you look at the impeachment inquiry 20 years. Yeah. Stephen whos been the most compelling witness so far . And who, as a prosecutor, would you want to call next . I think that todays hearing, in particular, fiona hill was rmarkable, and ill tell you why. Because not only was she very clear and very precise in her presentation and here testimony and, therefore, leaves us withtf whthe va majity of the career people are who serve in our government, and in particular, those who serve in positions that are about our National Security<\/a>, such as members of the american intelligence community, dedicated people who are, literally, dedicated to preserving all that we hold dear about our country. So i found her to be incredible and very persuasive. Going forward again, all the president s men. Bring them all forward. Pompeo stephen john bolton, pence. Stephen oooh yes yes yeah, yeah. applause yes enough of that, because heres the thing i mean, you cant hide behind, you know, the president on this. But you cant prance around talking about being Vice President<\/a> with all of the benefits that come with that and not take the responsibility. That comes with p sen sena k so mfo. Stephen lovely to see you again. Senator Kamala Harris<\/a>, everybody well be back with a performance everybody well be back with a performance by Lady Antebellum<\/a> mmm. chef ahhem. Hvr seasoning. Table 7. Hvr seasoning. Hey allergy muddlers. Achoo . Do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. It starts working hard at hour one. And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Zyrtec muddle no more. For ralphies appointment. Whos his groomer . Carrie. Full groom for sure what . I just booked ralphies appointment online. That work . Wait you what . Its that easy download the app or book online at petsmart. Com music rocket fuel by dj sh ladies and gentlemen oul get ready, yall get ready ready set jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go keep it steady steady, to the letter, right . Turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, whatd i miss . Ready, set steady, bet a lot of folks ask me why their dishwasher doesnt get everything clean. I tell them, it may be your detergent. Thats why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. With the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. For sparklingclean dishes, the first time. Cascade platinum. Hey, its Iain Armitage<\/a> from young sheldon. Its me, sonequa martingreen. Its phil keoghan here from the amazing race, with some crazy hair for a crazy time. Olivia lucy phillip we want you to know that you are not alone. Youre not alone. Youre not. Were all connected. Were still us. We can still laugh. Still share moments. And be happy. We are here for you. And were all in this together. Were all in this together. Were all in this together. I love yall. Just like covered california helps you find Health Insurance<\/a> you can afford. Theyre the only place you can get Financial Assistance<\/a> to help pay for Health Coverage<\/a>. Plus, this year, the state is providing more help than ever before. And because a new law requires californians to have Health Coverage<\/a> or pay a penalty, covered california has made it easier to get financial help, but you gotta sign up by april 30th. Visit coveredca. Com or call to enroll today. For over 75 years people. With geico. Ohhh. Sorry . Directors voice here we go. From the top. And action for over 75 years people have saved money with gecko so. Directors voice cut it . What. What did i say . Gecko . I said gecko . Aw. For over 75 year. laughs. But still trying to keep it contained directors voice keep it together. Iod. Im. For over 75. uncontrollable laughter . What are you doing there . Stop making me laugh. Vo geico. Saving people money for over seventyfive years. Gecko dont look at me. Dont look at me. She spends too much time on the internet. According to the census, she just needs a few minutes more. The census is now online. And by answering a few simple questions, youll help inform where public funding will get distributed for things like healthcare, community centers, Public Transit<\/a> and more. Then you can get back to whatever you were doing in no time at all. Shape your future. Start here. Complete the census at 2020census. Gov. Cool . Drop the taco. Get in the car. Does this sentra feel like a compromise to you . Wait, what. . The handling is good, right . No compromise there. Nope watch this. Umm. Bbrie. Brie brie rear automatic braking. So if this Nissan Sentra<\/a> isnt gonna compromise, why should you . Youre right atta girl. The allnew Nissan Sentra<\/a>. With more standard safety features than any other car in its class. Stephen now performing the title track from their new album, ocean, ladies and gentlemen, Lady Antebellum<\/a> cheers and applause how can someone stand so damn close and feel like theyre worlds away . I can see your sad story eyes so how do you have no words to say . All i want is to fall in deeper than ive ever been why wont you let me . I can handle your heart, so help me here you are, next to me so much beauty at my feet all i wanna do is swim but the waves keep crashin in no, im not afraid to drown take me out, take me down im so tired of the shore let me in, baby youre an ocean beautiful and blue i wanna swim in you like a lighthouse ive been shinin bright through the dark for the both of us and ive done it outta love is not enough but god, how i wish it was and i dont wanna find out how much lonely i can take baby, look at me and swear you wont lose me here you are, next to me so much beauty at my feet all i wanna do is swim but the waves keep crashin in no, im not afraid to drown ta m take down im so tired of the shore let me in, baby youre an ocean beautiful and blue i wanna swim in you i cant let it go from moments in your arms but they come back again the waves, the waves the waves, the waves the waves, the waves the waves, the waves here you are, next to me so much beauty at my feet buthwaves keep crashin in no, im not afraid to drown take me out, take me down im so tired of the shore let me in, baby youre an ocean beautiful and blue i wanna swim in you cheers and applause stephen now stick around for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be good spice its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from australia eurasia, give","publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"archive.org","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","width":"800","height":"600","url":"\/\/ia802900.us.archive.org\/29\/items\/KPIX_20200325_063500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert\/KPIX_20200325_063500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert.thumbs\/KPIX_20200325_063500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert_000001.jpg"}},"autauthor":{"@type":"Organization"},"author":{"sameAs":"archive.org","name":"archive.org"}}],"coverageEndTime":"20240716T12:35:10+00:00"}