laughter laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight joe countryfor old men. Plus, stephen welcomes chris hayes and david chang featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on hey beautiful, beautiful thanks very much. Audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen there you go uhhuh. Yes, sir, whats going laughter i like it. I like it. cheers and applause thanks, everybody thats good. Thats good. Thanks, everybody. Thanks, one and all. Ladies and gentlemen, my friends, in here, out there, all around the world, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is the day after super tuesday also known as old man wednesday. Ill tell you all about it in tonights edition of i have a plan for that. I beat trump i lost them all. They dont call it super tuesday for nothing bing, bing, bong, bong. Fury road to the white house 2020. Stephen it was a big night last night cheers and applause people are excited. People are excited. It was a big night last night for former Vice President and only dental work that can be seen from space, joe biden. 14 states held primaries last night, and biden won ten of them, including states he was never expected to win, like texas. Apparently, down there, he appealed to hispanic voters, because like many of them, his first language is not english. laughter this election year, polls show the top priority for democrats is which candidate can beat donald trump. And the American People looked over the field, and last night, they put their future in joe bidens hands. Lets see the very first thing he said at his rally by the way, this is my little sister, valerie, and im jills husband oh, no, there you are ah, you switched on me stephen okay okay laughter its an innocent mistake but it could still cause trouble if he becomes president. as biden heres my callback number302917 oops, thats the new nuclear codes. They switched em on me laughter biden was fired up from his big win, maybe a little too fired up. He can be hard to follow on a lowenergy day, and last night, he sounded like they ground up some monkey adrenal glands and just injected them straight into his brain stem. A bold vision. Standing up to and beating the n. R. A. The gun manufacturers. Access to hospitals in rurals areas, the as well as urban areas. Stephen as biden and most importantly, i promise gah, yah yaggidahbah come on, folks biden i just got to get some flipdown shades. Just get me some flipdown shades. Biden stuck it to neigh sayers out there who had counted him out. Just a few days ago, the press and the pundits had declared the campaign dead. Im here to report we are very much alive. Stephen as biden thats right, folks. They said we were dead, but then they dug me up, strapped to a lightning, and frankensteined me back, jack cmon, fire bad cmon, fire bad applause joes big night really was remarkable, because he won in states where he didnt campaign. He won in states where he didnt even have offices. In fact, in minnesota, bidens entire ground operation was just this flyer joe biden available to dog sit or be president. laughter applause jon they really dont want bernie. Stephen biden did so well, he even captured Elizabeth Warrens home state of massachusetts, where he did not appear in person. If im Elizabeth Warren right now, thats the last time i campaign coherently. Next time, its just going to be crazy aunt lizzies nomalarkey streamofconsciousness folksyrific Wooden Nickel in every garage campaignganza applause but thats a lot. A lot to say. Do i still need these . I do still eye dont know. But it wouldnt be a biden rally without a little confusion. And last night it came from some Animal Rights protesters. We come from the let dairy die booing let dairy die let dairy die let dairy die booing stephen hmm. Dairy rights activists . I wonder who that was . Jim, zoom in. Its joaquin phoenix. laughter applause i knew it i knew it still a gripping performance. I gotta give it to the guy. And look at how jill biden agreemented that woman when she got on stage. I dont know if joe can win the presidency, but jill is definitely going to win summer slam. laughter applause boom oh, yeah. Atomic elborodrop. It was a disappointing night for the previous frontrunner, vermont senator and d. J. Who knows you can scream louder than that, Bernie Sanders. Sanders won four states, including california, but many young voters sat out super tuesday, contributing to Bernie Sanders losses. as bernie come on, younglings get off your tiktok snap chats, and vote or i will come down to one of the three jobs you are working and slap the vape pen right out of your dirty little mouths. Step up the flavor. This is it. You say this, and then do you that. This is it last night, at his rally, bernie took the fight right to biden by comparing their records. One of us has spent his entire life fighting against cuts in social security. Another candidate has been on the floor of the senate calling for cuts to social security. Stephen as bernie one of us wanted to leave the lion king as it was. The other said, lets remake it with computer lions. Completely took away the whimsy. Hakuna madisasta. laughter applause telling you, its this, but its also that. And you do and this, this, this. Of arguably, the biggest loser last night was former new york city mayor and mischievous gnome who just stumped you with his riddles three, mike bloomberg. Bloomberg did pull off a victory in one place american samoa. laughter you know the old saying as goes american samoa, so goes. Easter island . I dont know i think the heads are super delegates. Things werent looking great for mike going into super tuesday. Yesterday afternoon, this video went viral of bloomberg at a campaign stop. Licking his fingers, reaching into a pizza box, tearing off a piece, putting the rest back, and licking every finger individually, and then touching a coffee spout. Now, that may seem gross, but he was just giving his fingers a little stop and frisk. Hold up there, little buddy told on looks like you got a little salt on ya. Where do you think youre going, tasty grease boy . Up against the tongue wall with you. Oh, you look suspicious. I suspect a little marinaras in your pocket. Thereto you go. Now now i have to purell again. I dont know what to do. Now, after his rough night, this morning, bloomberg announced that he is suspending his president ial campaign. And this afternoon, bloomberg took to his funsized podium to break the news to his staff. I entered the race for president to defeat donald trump, and today i am leaving the race for the same reason to defeat donald trump, because staying in would make it more difficult to achieve that goal. Stephen it takes a big man to stand up and admit the most important thing i will ever do, i should really stop doing. Bloomberg immediately endorsed joe biden. No one knows how big of an impact thats going to have, but we have gotten a hold of joe bidens latest ad, and there seems to be some bloomberg influence. And i approved this message. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Chris hayes is here. But when we return, more monologue right here. Stick around applause just because were super hungry. Doesnt mean you got to spend a lot because dennys brought back the super slam™. With eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage and pancakes. All for just 6. 99. The 6. 99 super slam™ is back see you at dennys band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band. cheers and applause stephen jon cheers and applause greatest band on television. Without a doubt. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen without a doubt. In just a few minutes folks, welcome back. Just a few minutes a friend chris hayes from all in with chris hayes from msnbc will be here to talk about last nights results. Im standing over here instead of sitting out there because theres too much monologue. Were splitting it in two. Jon you have to get it all in. Stephen you have to split it in two like a kitkat. Jon give me a break. Stephen im about to. Besides the election, yesterday was also another big night for the coronavirus. Ill tell you all about it in our brand new, hopefully soontobecured segment goin viral. Today, trump met with Airline Executives and told them hes been following the coronavirus safety guidelines, and he admits its been hard. I havent touched my face in weeks . In weeks whooshhs. I miss it. Stephen you havent touched your face in years. Your face has been quarantined behind a thick layer of bronzer. Now with more cases its antibacterial. Its antibacterial is what it is. Now, with more cases turning up in new york, the city is upping their prevention game by vowing to regularly disinfect the subway every 72 hours. So rest assured that puddle of urine you sat in is no more than three days old. laughter at most. The World Health Organization is helping out by debunking coronavirus myths. On their website, they say, spraying alcohol all over your body will not kill viruses that have already entered your body. Okay, thats important. Spraying alcohol on the outside of your body doesnt affect the viruses inside so. Lets get this where its needed. cheers and applause the tingle means its working. laughter another thing dont go far with that. Another thing that wont help much is evidently a face mask. The Surgeon General himself angertweeted about it. Seriously people stop buying masks they are not effective in preventing general public from catching coronavirus, but if Healthcare Providers cant get them to care for sick patients, it puts them and our communities at risk its a good message. I understand that. But that tone is both more casual and more angry than you want from the Surgeon General of the United States. It got even weirder when he rageposted this angry lady cat meme. laughter applause . Jon wow what a meme wow. Stephen aside from our nations mask manufacturers, theres another industry thats profiting off the contagion, and thats porn specifically, a website were not allowed to name but that serves as a hub for various kinds of porn. Because the latest trend in online horniness is coronavirus porn. Of course. Every time we get an epidemic, someones gotta make a pornography out of it. Thats what gave us the 1862 classic humpin 4 mumps. Another, another that was a nickelodeon. You had to put your face in like this. Another unforeseen victim of the coronavirus is the Wonderful World of sports. Theyve already had to cancel the world indoor athletics championships and the chinese grand prix, and the tokyo marathon usually attracts 35,000 participants. However, this year, there were just 300 elite runners allowed, which is the only reason im standing here right now instead of running the tokyo marathon, which i totally would have done. laughter the american pastime, bainl, is affected, too. In japan, preseason games are being played in empty stadiums. But back here in the States Major League Baseball is getting prepared by updating lyrics for the seventh inning stretch. Just stay home from the ball game keep away from the crowd buy me some purell and facial masks if you contract it youll bleed out your ass oh, wait maybe that ones ebola or i could be thinking of sars there are one too many diseases so please stay far cheers and applause well be right back with chris hayes play ball is everything. The reason why its so important for honey pot to do well is so the next black girl she could have a better opportunity. That means a lot to me. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. Good moves. Or hydration. Neutrogena® hydro boost. The 1 hyaluronic acid moisturizer delivers 2x the hydration for supple, bouncy skin. Neutrogena®. For supple, bouncy skin. 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M. The problem with doing a 1 00 a. M. Show is you have to caffeinate stephen your 1 00 a. M. Show was live . We were live at 1 00 a. M. This morning. Stephen do we know anything about california yet . We had a picture. We knew sanders was going to win about nine or 10 points and come out with a net delegate lead from california but not the particular s. Stephen still, 24 hours later, we dont know exactly what the results are. And we probably wont know the final, final results in california for maybe a week. Stephen why . They have adding machines in california. I know stephen its not a caucus. We know iowa was we dont actually know what happened. I have had californians i have had californians explain this to me somewhat defensively, and i still dont understand. They just take a really long time to count votes there. Stephen weed is legal there. laughter could have something to do with it. Stephen biden had a huge super tuesday. Big night. Very big night. Stephen did you see this coming . And keep in mind the answer is no. laughter . I kind of did. I mean, look, i talked to stephen really . I had no idea. I didnt see it coming. Next question. Stephen what made you see it coming because i talked to a pollster monday night i talked to a pollster who had been in the field with a poll sort of that day, that sunday and monday, because monday was the day buttigieg and klobuchar and beto all endorsed who said, look the numbers were seeing are crazy, the movement in bidens direction. Hes going to have a very big day tomorrow. Stephen so South Carolina really did make all the difference in the world. Yes, it did, it did. Stephen wow . Isnt this kind of a strange political system where one state makes that turn. He lost thre in a row. Why didnt those three sink him . Why did one bring him back . Its a good question. The African American voters are the core base of the democratic party. And theres no way to win the nomination without large support by black voters. And so, there was a kind of signal there sent when black voters voted so overwhelmingly for joe biden about what his prospects were going forward. Number two, theres a a lot of primary voters. Not all of them, but i would even say the majority, who just feel like theyve been given a test question they dont have the answer to which is, who is best to beat trump . And theyre going around saying, i dont know. Im not a professional. People ask me. Who should i vote for. And i said, vote for who you wanted to be president. And they say, i want barack obama to be president. Stephen the closest you can get. I cant help you there. But this idea that people were really looking for signals from people about some signal about who would be the person gli heard a few things there that obama was sending signals that he thought it was joe. I dont know. I think i mean, look Stephen Susan rice endorsed joe. And they were like, that wouldnt have happened if obama hadnt given the high sign. Im not sure about that, actually. The one thing i will say about this is theres clearly skepticism towards Bernie Sanders by the by the kind of mainstreamparty elite, right, the folks that serve in the Obama Administration stephen and msnbc. Yes. Stephen some people on your network should be medicated. Some of my colleagues are also skeptical. Stephen yes. I think a lot of those fears on the electability front are actually quite overstated. I actually think the data that we have shows that i think sanders and biden would both be very competitive against trump. Stephen and after 2016 anybody who says they know anything about anything is lying. And actually, they were always lying. We just found out in 2016. Yes my big takeaway from 2016 is humility about the future, which is unwritten. What ends up happening, and its sort of a bad pundit tendency, whatever just happened, extrapolate the line out forever. Biden won yesterday its over. Bernie needs to drop out Everybody Needs to calm down. Stephen biden had a big night. Will he end up out of this as the delegate leader . He. Stephen will wow, thats pretty big. Is that it . Biden, hes dominant, he