Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight mr. Schiff goes to washington. Plus, stephen welcomes john mulaney. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on oh hey, nice to see you lovely. Hey, everybody, please, have a seat. Good to see you. Happy wednesday. Happy hump day, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause it is day two oh, the excitement in the air. Everybody knows its day two of Donald TrumpsSenate Impeachment trial. And if Mitch Mcconnell if Mitch Mcconnell has his way, this trial will go just like Donald Trumps dating career quick and disappointing, and no questions asked. Also, i would like 130,000 to forget i ever met him. And i will tell you all about it in tonights don and giant impeach. Hes such a pain in the ass. laughter stephen now. laughter once again, the lead manager of the case today was adam schiff. It was gratifying to see someone taking the constitutional responsibility of their office seriously. He laid out the case against the president clearly, passionately, cogently, and i believe, courageously. Because whether or not President Trump is removed from office, history will not forgive those who looked the other way at his abuses, or forget those who stepped into the breach at this moment of crisis. So, no surprise, the numberone trending topic on twitter was. Mr. Peanut. laughter evidently, he died. Okay, okay but number two. Was gritty. laughter were doomed. Number three was the trial. Schiff was ready even before the trial started. There was a rumor circulating that republicans would allow democrats to call john bolton as a witness, if they could call joe biden. But schiff shot that idea down. Trials arent trades for witnesses. This isnt like some fantasy football trade. Stephen hes right. The senate trial isnt like fantasy football. For one thing, if you Start Talking about the senate trial, i wont leave the room. laughter at 1 00, schiff took to the well of the senate and played the hits President Trump responded by saying, i would like you to do us a favor, though. The socalled three amigos. Everyone was in the loop. Stephen woo do quid pro quo woo do drug deal woo cheers and applause schiff stood there today in front of his audience discussing the president s corruption and incompetence using graphics, audio, and video of witnesses, even clips of trump incriminating himself. Hey, schiff youre treading on my turf. laughter if i find out youve got a house band, im suing. laughter schiff laid out his premise clearly and passionately. The only conclusion consistent with the facts of law not just the law, but the constitution is clear. If this conduct is not impeachable, then nothing is. Stephen as trump really, nothing . Woohoo Corruption Party at my place first one there gets to replace lincoln on the five laughter now, you couldnt help cheers and applause you could not help jon abraham. Stephen you could not help but be moved by the historic nature of the event unless you were senator rand paul, because according to one reporter, every few minutes, rand paul keeps flipping through his notebook to do bits of a crossword. Lets see here, lets see here. Sackless trump toady. Eight letters. Oh rand paul there you go. There you go. I do have a pen. I do have a pen. cheers and applause while the trial was mostly full of material weve heard before, there was some breaking news. Our own cbs News Reporter grace segers reported the scoop. Tom cotton has milk this is not a drill. He has a glass, in addition to his glass of water. He is the first senator ive seen to request and get milk. I repeat, tom cotton has milk wow wow, tom you know that must have pissed off Bernie Sanders. as bernie tom cottons milk must be evenly distributed through the senate. Right now, 1 of the senators have 100 of the 2 cheers and applause its a shame. Its a shanda. Yesterday, the trial went until nearly 2 00 a. M. That is late can we see how it ended . I ask unanimous consent that the trial adjourn until 1 00 p. M. Wednesday, january 22. And that this order also constitute the adjournment of the senate. closing time without objection, so ordered. The senate is adjourned. Closing time open all the doors. Stephen any time anything ends at 2 00 a. M. , you legally have to play that song. The late night was especially tough for chief Justice John Roberts who was scheduled to be back at the Supreme Court for oral arguments today at 10 00 a. M. as john roberts okay, okay, whats up, breyer . So, what are we talking about . Yeah, yeah, guns are legal, corporations are people. Please dont argue so loud. Ginsberg, can i lay my head on your doily . Yeah, can i can i just . No . Okay. laughter Chuck Schumer kept proposing amendments. Mitch mccconnell kept tabling those amendments by party line votes. Republicans rejected seeing records from the white house, evidence from the state department, documents from the office of management and budget, Defense Department documents, and subpoenas for testimony from john bolton and mick mulvaney. Oh, come on why are you rejecting all information . Arent you at least a bit curious about all the crazy bleep trump did . You dont even have to do anything about it. Just vote to find out what it was everybody wants to find out their boss secrets. Take it from me you dont want to learn it from a ronan farrow article. laughter so, it was no surprise cheers and applause you dont. You dont. Jon you dont want that come on, now. Stephen you dont want to do that. So it was no surprise that things got a little testy between the democratic impeachment managers and trumps lawyers, starting when jerry nadler went off on trumps teams constant lies. Im struck by what we have heard from the president s counsel so far tonight. They lie. And lie, and lie, and lie. Stephen they lie, and lie, and lie, and lie. Thats not entirely accurate. They also lie. laughter those accusations outraged trump lawyer and man staring at you from across the produce aisle, pat cipollone. laughter cippilone had enough of the democrats brazen calls for evidence. Its about time we bring this power trip in for a landing. Its a farce, and it should end. Mr. Nadler, you owe an apology to the president of the United States and his family. audience boos as cippolone yes, yes, and while youre at it, could you also apologize to the president s previous family . And the one before that . Theyre all still waiting. Please . applause finally, chief Justice Roberts stepped in to call for order. I think it is appropriate at this point for me to admonish both the house managers and the president s counsel in equal terms, to remember that they are addressing the worlds greatest deliberative body. Stephen yes, the senate is the worlds greatest deliberative body not to be confused with people magazines annual hottest deliberative body. laughter smokin grassley. laughter now it looks good. He looks really good. I didnt expect that from chuck grassley. Chuck grassfed. laughter grassfed beef. Justice roberts reached back into history to provide an example of the Senate Standing up for decorum. In the 1905 swain trial, a senator objected when one of the managers used the word pettifogging, and the presiding officer said the word ought not to have been used. Stephen mr. Chief justice, youre going to have to come up with another example, because im pettifogging sure nobody knows what that word means. laughter cheers and applause now, after cheers and applause jon pettifogging. Petticoat junction. Thats your function. Stephen after trump lawyer jay sekulow asked, why are we here . , representative Hakeem Jeffries gave him this answer. We are here, sir, to follow the facts, apply the law, be guided by the constitution, and present the truth to the american people. That is why we are here, mr. Sekulow, and if you dont know, now you know. cheers and applause stephen nicely done. Nicely done. That was good. Jon wooo woooo, woooo stephen of course, Old School Hip hop fans like me laughter know thats a quote from the notorious b. I. G. s song juicy. Of course, rap has a long history in our nations discourse. As George Washington said in his farewell address, as the father of the country, please call me big poppa. Throw your hands in the aya, as you cross the delawaya laughter yeah. So beautiful. Jon oh, yes. Stephen so beautiful. Other than video cameras controlled by the senate, no recording devices are allowed in the chamber during the senate trial. But, like in a regular trial, sketch artists are allowed in, which is how we know that yesterday, idaho senator james risch fell asleep. Okay, listen, give him a break. This thing went until almost 2 00 a. M. Its totally understandable that senator risch fell asleep at 5 30 p. M. laughter wow wow 4. 5 hours in somebody poke him he didnt just nod off for a second. He was asleep long enough to be handdrawn. laughter put a glass under his mouth to see if it fogs up a little bit. Now, the sketch artists got images of all the main characters, including this generous depiction of Mitch Mcconnell and Chuck Schumer. And look next to schumers desk. They have a spittoon in the senate they have to, okay . Its for amy klobuchar. She can make that sucker ring from 50 feet out. Point of order ping laughter stephen thank you, thank you very much. But the sketch artist did take some liberties, like this picture of marco rubio writing with a quill pen. laughter he actually drew that. Jon wow. Stephen it seems weird, which is why rubios office told reporters that he does not use quill pens. So that means the sketch artist can just make things up . That explains this rendering of senator dianne feinstein. Weve got a great show for you tonight. John mulaney is here. But when we return, ill be right here with more monologue. Theres just too much monologue. cheers and applause im your mother in law. And i like to question your every move. Like this left turn. Its the next one. You always drive this slow . How did you make someone i love . That must be why youre always so late. I do not speed. And thats saving me cash with drivewise. My son, he did say that you were the safe option. And thats the nicest thing you ever said to me. So get allstate. Stop bossing. Where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. This is my sons favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady . [tina] youre an old lady. Experience a more authentic and allavender. Scented oil. True fragrance crafted only by glade. S. C. Johnson. Fisnt just about polar bears. Were fighting for our lives, were fighting for clean air and clean water. Thats why i wrote the law to send billions from polluters to communities suffering the most. And only one candidate for president was with us back then, tom steyer. And hes still fighting for us, pledging to make clean air and clean water a right for everyone, regardless of your zip code. Thats the truth. Thats tom steyer. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Making everybody happy. cheers and applause stephen music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. Thank you, jon. Jon oh, yes. Yeah, thats true. Stephen welcome back, everybody, one and all. Please have a seat. Were still over here right now because weve got more monologue tonight. In just a minute, jon, one of my favorite comedians, john mulaney, is going to be out here in just a moment here. Jon fantastic, i love him. Stephen lovely young man. Very talented. Now, folks, while impeachment was going on in washington, d. C. , trump was in davos, switzerland, where he held a press conference this morning. One reporter asked if he planned on attending his trial. I would love to go. Wouldnt that be great . Wouldnt that be beautiful . I dont know. I would love to, id sit right in the front row and stare at their corrupt faces. Id love to do it. Stephen as trump i love to stare at their corrupt faces. Its like gazing in a mirror. So beautiful. Democrats are nice, too. Democrats are nice, too. Now, one of the articles against trump is something called obstruction of congress, because the white house is withholding all the materials needed, and requested, to investigate trumps ukraine scheme. Apparently, trumps pretty proud of that particular crime. I thought our team did a very good job. But, honestly, we have all the material. They dont have the material. Stephen hes bragging about the thing hes on trial for as judge how does the defendant plead . as defendant your honor, the defendant pleads hahaha, youll never catch me i killed them all also, not guilty. Trump also had some words of praise for his personal attorney, rudy giuliani. Rudy giuliani is somebody that i think the press has been very unfair to. Greatest mayor in the history of new york. He knows corruption, really, better than anybody. laughter jon we dont want him to know that stephen yeah, thats kind of the problem. laughter thats like saying thanos is an expert at population control. Trump was also interviewed by fox businesss maria bartoromo, who asked about our ongoing trade dustups with china. There is some question about this china deal. Some people feel like it doesnt have enough teeth. That, you know, youre not going to be able to get china to stop stealing intellectual property. But heres what i do okay, you ready . We have tremendous policing. We have a policing aspect of this deal thats the strongest anybody has ever had. If that happens, ill terminate the deal. I mean, im not a baby. Stephen yeah trumps not a baby. He has trouble with stairs, he throws fits when he doesnt get his way, and hell only eat french fries and cake. Hes a toddler. laughter then, then cheers and applause kind of a crazy day. Then, trump squelched over to an interview with cnbcs joe kernen, where he emphasized that its up to the government to protect innovators, especially ones like elon musk. Do you have comments on elon musk . I was worried about him, because hes one of our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius. You know, we have to protect thomas edison. laughter jon whoa now, pops. Stephen mr. President , sit down i have some awful news about thomas edison. I cant believe i have to break this to you. Of course, a lot of democrats are trying to remove trump from office with an upcoming election, including former south bend mayor and guy watching you sleep on the airplane, pete buttigieg. Throughout mayor petes campaign, hes struggled to garner support from african americans, so on m. L. K. Day, he stopped by the brown and black president ial forum, where he was asked a simple, but fun question. If antonia and i invited you to a potluck or barbecue, what are you bringing . Oh. Is it a breakfast potluck . Stephen no thats not a thing. laughter come over saturday morning. Were throwing some scrambled eggs and oatmeal on the grill jon i dont know about that. Stephen after clarifying that no, this is not a breakfast cookout, mayor pete settled on this answer. Its going to be chips and salsa. Okay. Mmm. Stephen nice effort. Thats one step above bringing paper plates you stole from the break room at work. Plus, youre there to attract african americans. Youre pandering to the wrong minority. as mayor pete chips and salsa, thats you guys, right . No . Bagels . Uh, kimchi . Help me out here. Well be right back with mr. John mulaney. Join us, wont you . cheers and applause band playing hes the one. Awww. Gesundheit. I see something else. A star. With three points. Youre in a. Mercedes. Yeah, we wish. Wish granted. With four models starting under 37 thousand, there could be a mercedesbenz in your near future. Lease the a 220 sedan for just 349 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Oh, oh, announcer ® onceweekly ozempic® is helping many people with type 2 diabetes like james lower their blood sugar. 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