Really dishonest. Stephen so why didnt you Tell Congress about the strike . Can you imagine . They want us to call up and speak to crooked corrupt politician adam schiff. Oh, adam, we have somebody that we have been trying to get for a long time stephen oooh, oooh, oooh i love improv. Let me be schiff. Hello, this is adam schiff. What do you want now, mr. President . Could we meet . Stephen meet . Lets see hmm, today is not good. Im pretending to talk to the president. Lets do it in a couple of days. Stephen now pretend im lou dobbs and i say, lou, heres the problem stephen is the problem that youre the president of the United States and youre getting advice from lou dobbs . laughter shifting gears, the Oscar Nominations came out this morning, sir. Can you believe that beyonce was snubbed for best original song . I just have such respect for the queen, i dont think this should be happening to her. Stephen yeah, back to the middle east. You campaigned on bringing the troops home, but now youre sending more troops to saudi arabia. Theyre paying us. Stephen well, that makes it sound like youre renting out our troops like mercenaries. Thats awful. Why would you do that . Beautiful green cash. Stephen okay, that seems like you. Moving on. Youre in the middle of being impeached, sir. How would other leaders handle that pressure . Theyd fold up like an umbrella. Stephen sir, do you know how to use an umbrella . Because this footage is pretty damning. They made that story up. Stephen mr. President , thank you for joining me. Im so glad you keep agreeing to these fake interviews. Death to america. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, drama queen, plus stephen welcomes Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, and a performance of tina the Tina Turner Musical cast, featuring jon batiste and d now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert theme song playing stephen hello thank you, please have a seat, everybody welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your shows Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause the world is still on edge over escalating tensions between rival foreign powers that could any moment erupt into a fullblown war, and everyone is asking the same harrowing question, can harry and meghan really leave the royal family . laughter can they leave stephen bringing you up to speed, last week, prince harry and duchess meghan dropped the banger and mash that they would step back as senior royals and work to become financially independent. But like many millennials who move out, theyll stay on the queens Verizon Family plan. laughter piano riff and health insurance, too, probably. The palace was shocked, and so today, the queen held a royal family summit to work out a future for prince harry and meghan. The queen put out this statement my family and i are entirely supportive of harry and meghans desire to create a new life as a young family. We respect and understand their wish to live a more independent life. Thats lovely. Its way nicer than the statements that came out of royal summits in the old days im starting a new religion so i can get divorced and kill my next wife. laughter jon whoa, whoa. Stephen yes, start a young family. Jon thats what they were doing . Oh, no. Stephen not good. piano riff in other international news, the Trump Administration still hasnt settled on a legal justification for bombing iranian general, qasem soleimani. One official grasping at straws is secretary of state and oneman barbershop quartet, mike pompeo. The administrations official explanation is that the strike occurred to thwart an imminent attack, but on thursday, pompeo had trouble narrowing that down. There is no doubt that there were a series of imminent attacks that were being plotted by qasem soleimani. And we dont know precisely when and we dont know precisely where, but it was real. laughter stephen as pompeo hello, 911 . Im being robbed i dont know precisely when, and i dont know precisely where, but i do have the address of a guy i want you to kill. This is real hello hello hello piano riff applause even republicans were concerned about the vagueness of the justifications, so on friday the president went on the fox news to clear things up. Dont the American People have the right to know what specifically was targeted without revealing methods and sources . Well, i dont think so, but we will tell you that probably it was going to be the embassy in baghdad. I can reveal that i believe it would have been four embassies. Stephen he believes it would have been four embassies. Do we really want to live in a country where we bomb people because of what donald trump believes . Were talking about a guy who believes that windmills cause cancer. So, run for your lives, holland hes coming laughter cheers and applause get on your wooden shoes jon come on stephen stick your finger in the dike applause on sunday, defense secretary mark esper did his best and it wasnt good. Can you clarify though, was the specific threat that the president shared with fox news about four u. S. Embassies being under threat, also shared with congress . Why was there a difference . What the president said was he believed that it probably and could have been attacks against additional embassies. I shared that view. That sounds more like an assessment than a specific tangible threat with a a decisive piece of intelligence. Well, the president didnt say there was a tangible he didnt cite a specific piece of evidence. What he says probably he believed, could have been are you saying there wasnt one . I didnt see one with regard to the four embassies. Stephen wow. audience reacts the Trump Administration is like the couple who didnt coordinate their lie before leaving the party. Welp, weve gotta head out. The babysitter called. Whats that . My wife said its because four embassies are under threat . Yes. It was that, too. Ey shes a maniac. Keep the tupperware. Bye. applause piano riff this morning, trump took to twitter to say he and esper are on the same page the Fake News Media and their democrat partners are working hard to determine whether or not the future attack by terrorist soleimani was eminent or not. Now, you may have noticed trump used the wrong word there. Eminent, which means, famous and respected within a particular sphere. Ill use it in a sentence donald trump is the most eminent example of a man who doesnt know how to spell imminent. cheers and applause tng of soleani sent agole layaway ughter is it an km a laughter or does trump just have piles of authorizations lying around for things he wants to do and cant justify yet . as trump this one is to blow up rosie odonnell, and this one is to make tube tops mandatory. laughter over the weekend, iran finally admitted to accidentally shooting down a ukrainian passenger jet. In protest, iranians have taken to the streets to express their outrage at both the downing and the lying about it. To support the protesters, trump tweeted in both english and farsi, to the leaders of iran do not kill your protesters. Thousands have already been killed or imprisoned by you, and the world is watching. More importantly, the u. S. A. Is watching. Turn your internet back on and let reporters roam free as trump its so true, reporters deserve to be treated with respect, whether theyre from the failing New York Times or th the fake news cnn, they should be allowed to roam free, give them a 30 hunt them. D start and let don, applause democrats have been critical of trumps failure to provide evidence of an imminent attack, so, in response, the president retweeted this photoshop of Chuck Schumer and nancy pelosi in a turban and hijab with the caption, the corrupted dems trying their best to come to the ayatollahs rescue. That tweet is lazy, wrapped in dishonest, stuffed inside racist. It is a trumpducken. Uger of course, trumps as anxious as the rest of us to find out wholl be the democratic nominee hes got his Photoshop Team standing by with a turban. Ill tell you the latest in tonights firstever installment of a progressive agenda. I dont know about you but im having a good time. Its crazy fury road to the white house. 2020 cheers and applause stephen beautiful. Beautiful. applause oh, i know. Oh, i know. Today we got some news from new jersey senator cory booker, seen here getting picked last for kickball. laughter this morning, booker shared this video. Ours is the story of the faith we have had in one another. We know beating donald trump is the floor, it is not the ceiling. It gets us out of a valley; it does not get us to the mountaintop. Stephen that is some inspiring rhetoric. You know what . We need to stop ignoring cory booker and get behind his im sorry, theres more . We need all democrats together to call to this country to stand together, to work together, to rise together today im suspending my campaign for president. Stephen we need to stand together, work together, rise together, sit back down together, and quit alone. laughter bookers departure made a mark on one elderly white voter really big breaking newskidding booker who was in zero polling territory just dropped out of the democrat president ial primary race. Now i can rest easy tonight. I was sooo concerned that i would someday have to go head to head with him booing thats a jerky thing to say. Trumps just jealous because cory booker did something trump could never do admit hes bald. piriffer rs and appuse booker wasnt the only democrat to end his campaign. Because on friday, Marianne Williamson dropped out of the 2020 race. Or did she in fact drop in to al dimension . This comes to quite a blow to laughter this comes as quite a blow to her probable running mate wind chimes. laughter piano riff so the democratic field has narrowed. Lets say goodbye, first, to Marianne Williamson. piano riff and a fond farewell to new jerseys cory booker. honking looks like hes caught on the turnpike. You should have left for the airport an hour ago, cory oh, youre so screwed. Oh, hes never going to get there get off laughter applause no. No. No. eers and ae no. The candidates who are still in the race will be fighting it out tomorrow at the democratic debate, and we will be on the air right afterward, live tune in to watch me stay up past my bedtime, and try not to swear. cheers and applause the debate is in iowa, where Bernie Sanders is enjoying a late surge. And trump has noticed, tweeting wow crazy Bernie Sanders is surging in the polls, looking very good against his opponents in the do nothing party. So what does this all mean . Stay tuned so what does this all mean . Stay tuned . Thats how cable news throws to a commercial. Is trump just livetweeting whatevers on tv . as trump more fox and friends after the break. And now a Little English lizard is telling me to buy car insurance. laughter we have a greatni scborough and Mik Brzezinski are here, and when we return goop has a new tv band playing trump those preexisting conditions are protected. Vo a broken promise. Trump repeatedly tried to undermine coverage for 134 million americans with preexisting conditions. Mike he just doesnt care if you have a preexisting condition he wants to deny you access to coverage. If he is reelected, hell keep trying to do that and i think we cant let that happen. Vo as president , mike will lower costs, and protect americans with pit. Miomberg and i approve this message. Two bacon, two sausage, this is the two eggssuper slam. Hash browns and pancakes and now make those pancakes all you can eat for a buck. Thats where the duper comes in. The all new super duper slam just seven ninety nine. See you at dennys. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band right there cheers and applause jon, tomorrow night weve got mr. Ere live absolutely live after the debate because well be talking about the debate right after it happens on the Cbs Television network and tonight in a few minutes we have the Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski will be out here or as the kids call them coffee joe morning and mikas brew crew. Everybody calls them that. Stephen watching me and drinking coffee, right . Stephen yeah, those are their street names. Jon which street . Stephen probably fifth avenue or something. laughter everyone knows i love celebrity lifestyle brand goop, and Gwyneth Paltrow, the wellnessmonger famous for her 66 jade vagina eggs, stickers that promote healing for 120, and this 435 antiaging mask meant to reduce wrinkles and appropriate for most orgies. Their latest product taking the internet by storm is a candle entitled this smells like my vagina. Okay. I have questions. And im not sure how to ask any of them, but lets start with whose . laughter gwyneths . Because ill buy the egg, but i just wanna be friends. This is the most talkedabout item put out by an oscar winner since jack lemmons this air freshener looks like my penis. laughter applause yeah, jack lemmon ironically not lemon scented. piano riff applause naturally, this thing cost, 75 and was immediately sold out. laughter until they restock, youll just have to settle for this candle smells like a pine trees ass. laughter but thats what i love about goopeth shes always thinking, always moving, never sitting still. Partly because sitting is tough with that many products in the ol goop chute. laughter thats why netflix Just Announced a goopy new tv show, tweeting, Gwyneth Paltrow welcomes you to the goop lab i dont get what shes doing inside those concentricosionsf l laughter the new show explores everything thats too crazy for the internet. What happens in a workshop . Everyone gets off. What the bleep are you doing to people . What we try to do at goop is explore ideas that may seem out there or too scary. Stephen nothing scary about a thousand pins in your face. I saw it years ago in that popular wellness documentary hellraiser. laughter welcome to the pit of endless torment. Help yourself to some cucumber water. laughter applause piano riff the goop lab will introduce us to the most groundbreaking scientifish wellness techniques. I. Had an exorcism. Oh, wooooow. I went through years of therapy in about five hours. I started to feel, like a panic attack coming on. She knew something that my husband didnt even know. You want to talk about the vulva. Stephen okay laughter for the record, thats not wellness therapy. Shes making candles. laughter cheers and applause jon oh, aaahhh aaahhh aaahhh aaahhh piano riff stephen point is, goop lab promises one suld i be scared . Were here one time, one life, how can we really milk the bleep out of this . Stephen now, if you cynics think the goop lab is a cash grab that exploits peoples fear of aging and sacrifices their safety to peddle pseudoscientific, newagey garbage. Wellspotted. laughter and daddy wants in jon ha ha oh, my piano riff cheers and applause thats where my own highend lifestyle brand, covetton house, comes in. Were launching a new television laer led covetton yurt. calming music baroque simplicity, shabby vett h. Stephen namaste. cheers and applause welcome to covetton yurt. In the yurt, we explore ideas that are too out there or too scary for science. Are you dangerous enough to find out if this 8,000 bottle of unpasteurized giraffe milk will alleviate your anxiety . Weve only got one giraffe. Lets milk the bleep out of her. laughter and is this man a psychic who can summon an incubus to stimulate your gspot, or is he a vagrant i caught stealing my mail and gave him a sandwich to pose for this photo . Er i the yu. And so is he. He really needs a place to crash. Well be right back with Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski cheers and applause band playing im your 70lb st. Bernard puppy, and my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby people take Museum Quality photos of things every day. Like grapefruits. We invented the everpopular feet on the beach genre. And that dont forget your parking spot genre. We share photos of friends and food and friends as food. And because were so good at taking photos were also really good at doing taxes. People can be good at anything. Yes, even taxes. Intuit turbotax. Yes, even taxes. This is protection in a world of distraction. This is nissan intelligent mobility. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight is the cohost of morning joe on msnbc. Please welcome back to the late show, Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back. Weve not had you guys here for a year and a half. Its been too long. Whawivet doing . Whats been going on in the world . Impeachment looms. When shes ready. Stephen when mrs. Pelosi is ready. Yeah. Stephen okay. She said shes going to send it over this week, the articles of impeachment. Do you think that was a smart thing that she did to hold these back for a while . I dont think shes thinking about that. I think shes doing what she felt she needed to do. It did become apparent perhaps mr. Bolton might speak and that was helpful and other things might come out, but i dont think shes listening to us and strastrategizing. Stephen i dont think shes asking for our opinion, but it is a power move in order to get something that she thinks should happen in the senate which is a fairer trial. It is, i will give it to you if you have a fair trail, right . Mmhmm. And shes methodical. I thought it was a great move. She actually created space. You know, in soccer, you talk about making space for the players. She actually made space and, in that