Nancy announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, impeacher of the house plus stephen welcomes Scarlett Johansson and a performance by the weeknd featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hi there cheers and applause that is such a good thursday crowd, i wish they could stick around and be the friday crowd. Youre amazing. Never going to happen though. Anyway jon yeah. Stephen welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your shows Stephen Colbert. There is cheers and applause you feel this excitement . Jon i feel it. Stephen you feel the electricity . Its like the room is soaked with gasoline theres imagine income the air here cheers and applause magic stephen hey magic here at the late show. You know why its the merger of cbs and viacom. I know them by their celebrity couple name, the people that pay me. laughter to celebrate the merger, viacomcbs got to ring nasdaqs opening bell this morning, and they gave the honor to the face of the brand, the man you know and love spongebob and his friend, me cheers and applause spongebob and me me and spongebob right there. 6 im less handsome, but im way more absorbent. laughter of course, the joining of viacomcbs means well get great new crossovers, like rupauls star trek this morning, starring teen mom new orleans. laughter gayle looks good with spock ears, that looks nice. In fact, thanks to this merger, all of americas favorite networks will be together cbs, nickelodeon, comedy central, showtime, mtv, vh1, bet, i. U. D. , b. T. Dubs, i. B. S. , d. U. I. , and the new u. T. I. Streaming service. cheers and applause starring cranberry juice. Jon i dont know if they want that one. Stephen in honor of this union, id like to offer my blessing. Cbs, viacom, may you grant everlasting value to your shareholders, delivering distinctive Premium Brands with unmatched reach in key u. S. Target demos. Lviacom cheers and applause piano riff there you go, sherry cheers and applause is that enough . cheers and applause piano riff audience clapping in time to music stephen while cbs and viacom are coming together, washington is coming apart at the seams. Ill tell you all about it in the latest installment of don and the giant impeach. cheers and applause not only wasnt there a crime, its not even a word that should be used. Stephen this morning, House Speaker nancy pelosi had a big impeachment announcement today, i am asking our chairman to proceed with articles of impeachment. Stephen thats right cheers and applause thats right yes. Move id ahead move it ahead. Jon straight ahead straight ahead stephen right there thats right. After opening an inquiry into the possibility of impeachment and then reading the report, and considering the impeachment options, weve finally made it. To the beginning of the end of the starting laughter and were about start the beginning of the middle. Then impeachment then the speaker laid out her marching orders for house democrats. Legislate, investigate, litigate. Stephen as opposed to trumps plan as trump obfuscate, irritate, partially hydrogenate chocolate cake on a paper plate that i also ate. laughter jon wow stephen the most beautiful, beautiful i like that. laughter pelosi also held a press Conference Today that was spirited. Do you hate the president , madame speaker . I dont hate anybody. I was raised in a catholic house. We dont hate anybody. Not anybody in the world. Stephen well said we catholics dont hate anyone okay . applause we are not allowed to. We dont hate anyone. Thats why we waged 11 crusades. To remind people how much we love them. cheers and applause piano riff the inquisition was just a tickle fight that got out of control. laughter the speaker was not done. I still pray for the president. I pray for the president all the time. So dont mess with me when it comes to words like that. cheers and applause stephen yes, nancy pelosi prays for the president. And i pray for that reporter. laughter as reporter uh, madam speaker, followup question can i have my balls back . laughter yes, no . Okay. Ill go. Ill go. piano riff cheers and applause this morning, trump complained that the dems are the real bad guys here. The donothing democrats had a historically bad day yesterday in the house. They have no impeachment case and are demeaning our country. But nothing matters to them, they have gone crazy. Therefore, i say, if you are going to impeach me, do it now, fast, so we can have a fair dotdotdotdot. Dotdotdotdotdot trial in the senate, and so that our country can get back to business. We will have schiff, the bidens, pelosi and many more testify, and will reveal, for the first time, how corrupt our system really is. I was elected to clean the swamp, and thats what i am doing laughter wait, wait, wait. Hold on did he say clean the swamp . laughter pretty sure his catchphrase is drain the swamp. He cant even remember his own threeword slogans. as trump lock the wall build her up laughter cheers and applause and, of course, his famous hat do america nice soon. laughter while the president has been defending himself, the Vice President has also been vicebusy. Yesterday, mike pence spent the morning with House Republicans, cheerleading for trump herrousg. as pence laughter give me a t. Okay. Give me an r. All right. Dont spell yet. Theres more. laughter pence also told House Republicans that both he and trump appreciated their support as trump battles the greatest threat to his presidency to date. The greatest threat to his presidency . So. Himself . laughter as trump stop doing crimes no, you cant make me yes, i can wait lets have makeup sex cheers and applause applause what . What . What . Its a perfectly innocent joke. Youre no fun. On the democratic side, there were big campaign fireworks in iowa today thanks to former Vice President , and aging bruce banner struggling to hulk out, joe biden. Biden is on his no malarkey bus tour thats what its called, the no malarkey tour and this afternoon he said no to this questioners malarkey. Blvrn r s abull corn on, bid you getti face full of pool chain. In addition to going after bidens son, the guy accused biden of being sedentary, andthh joe. Stephen yeah yeah you want to go, bro . applause well said, mr. Vice president. This exchange reminds me of the lincolndouglas debate, and abes famous words, do you even lift, bro . These guns split rails. laughter so im top buck on this lit. So it got ugly and it didnt get prettier. audience reacts stephen sir, i know youre upset, you love your son, but. Meet me over here. You cant call an iowa voter fat. laughter they deepfry butter. laughter their faucets have hot and coldrunning high fructose corn syrup. laughter their state bird is a funnel cake. laughter now, the exchange cheers and applause oh, funnel cake. Jon i like funnel cake. Stephen the exchange ended with awald declaration. Stephen come on youre too old to vote for me. Im too old to vote for me. The names are too small to read and the darn voting machine keeps giving me cans of soda. Buttigieg 2020 im with fat. laughter applause piano riff but theres one candidate whos exploding on social media baby yoda, who is driving almost twice as many average social media interactions as any 2020 democrat. yodalike mmm, a sad sign of our misplaced priorities, this is. Is that anywhere in the ballpark . laughter okay. This is bad news for all the candidates, but particularly those who recently jumped into the race, because baby yodas introduction coincided with Mike Bloomberg announcing his bid. Sorry, mike. I guess voters were interested in a different tiny, wrinkled moneymaker. laughter fun fact Mike Bloomberg is also operated by frank oz. laughter if you listen closely, you hear fozzie bear, and miss piggy but i guess now we know why bloomberg has been traveling the campaign trail like this. laughter applause you see, rich guys applause baby yoda. Rich guys like Michael Bloomberg might be cut off from their treats soon, because after france passed a new digital tax on Companies Like facebook and google, trump threatened 100 tariffs on french cheese and champagne. This is true. Dont worry, americans. You can easily replace this stuff. Nothing says romance like a slab of velveeta and americas champagne mountain dew code red. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Scarlett johansson is here. But when we return, meanwhile stick around cheers and applause band playing lactaid is 100 real milk, just without the lactose. So you can enjoy it even if youre sensitive. Yet some say it isnt real milk. I guess those cows must actually be big dogs. Sit i said sit and i founded hi, farmgirl flowers. Mbel what started at my dining room table, has grown into a serious operation. Thats why i chose the spark cash card from capital one. With unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back in just one year which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer and i saw 69 growth year over year. My spark card is more than a credit card. It has actually helped me grow my business. Whats in your wallet . Repeat after me. Hi am grateful. Audience i am grateful. I am getting all the gifts this holiday. Shop up to fifty percent off storewide thats up to fifty percent off neil you get all the gifts only at old navy. The ones that make a truebeen difference in peoples lives. And mikes won them, which is important right this minute, because if he could beat americas biggest gun lobby, helping pass background check laws and defeat nra backed politicians across this country, beat big coal, helping shut down hundreds of polluting plants and beat big tobacco, helping pass laws to save the next generation from addiction. All against big odds you can beat him. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause its good to be back from the i know weve got to pay bills, but i miss not being on tv while were on the commercial break. I get lonely. Jon we disappear on that break. Stephen we dont exist for those three minutes. Jon right, and then we come back, yeah. Stephen i tell you another reason i am so eager to get to tonights guest. Tonight we have the one, the only, the great, the talented Scarlett Johansson is going to be out here in just a moment. cheers and applause jon incredible. Stephen and tonight, dont go nowhere, we have amanc bknd g up in tonights show. An incredible performance. Jon yeah, amazing, going to be great. Stephen you know, folks, i spend a lot of time right over there, bunching myself off the news high dive, piking into a jacknife, tucking my shoulder at exactly the right moment to execute the perfect tenpoint dive that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to yank on my water wings, take a swig of rolling rock, and belly flop into the dirty baby pool of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause this is an alternative energy source, meanwhile people love it. Meanwhile, the internet is angry over the new holiday ad for the peloton exercise bike. Ideal for anyone whos looked at a regular bike and said i wish this didnt go anywhere and could scream at me. laughter the ad is taking a lot of heat for being both unrealistic and sexist by showing a husband buying exercise equipment for his already very fit wife. Jim . Okay, you ready . Now a peleton . All right, first ride. Im a little nervous, but excited. Lets do this. 6 00 a. M. , yay. That was totally worth it. A year ago, i didnt realize how much this would change me. Thank you. This holiday, give the gift of peleton. Stephen well, i am shocked. Your husband bought you a 2,200 peloton, and your Christmas Gift to him was one of your insta stories . laughter plus, you put it right in front of the best window in the house thats why we dont have room for a pool table, janet laughter well, the internet was so shocked that there was sexism in advertising, that peloton saw a 9 drop in their stock, costing the Company Nearly billion dollars. Thats okay, peloton. You got this stay with me im not leaving you behind okay . cheers and applause come on you can do it defeat is just another word for yesterday failure is not in your vocabulary and, for now, neither is profit margin. Whoo okay. Okay. Now, hydrate good sesh good sesh. Now give the knob a halftwist till the blood is cut off from the skull of whoever came up with that ad campaign. laughter meanwhile, a drug smuggler in argentina was busted with nine pounds of weed in a fake baby bump. Authorities also seized a copy of the popular book, what to expect when youre expecting nine pounds of weed. laughter applause cheering such a vital book, such a vital book. Meanwhile, pinterest and the knot, two of the countrys meanwhile, a world war ii veteran who credits his longevity to daily coors light just turned 102. In other words, drink plenty of water. laughter cheers and applause piano riff meanwhile, josh brolins butthole is sunburned and hes not happy about it. laughter stars, theyre just like us. laughter he looks happier than i think he would heres what happened. Brolin decided to try out the latest wellness trend called perineum sunning. Now, perineum is the scientific term for a part of the body that we all use a different word for, but im not legally allowed to say that word on cbs. I can use only scientific terms. So believe it or not, cbs prefers that i say its the area between the anus and the scrotum or vulva. Youre welcome, viacomcbs. laughter cheers and applause piano riff hey, thems the rules. Taint my fault. Taint my problem. cheers and applause piano riff proponents of perineum sunning claim its derived from an ancient taoist practice that strengthens ones organs, increases their creativity, regulates their circadian rhythm, and improves their libido. Plus, really keeps the neighbors away. laughter applause im going to guess scares off the raccoons as well. laughter i know what youre thinking. Youre thinking, thats great, stephen, just tell us whats going on with josh brolins butt hole. laughter thank you for asking. Well, after his experiment, brolin took to instagram and wrote, my pucker hole is crazy burned, i dont know who the bleep thought of this stupid bleep but bleep you nonetheless. Seriously. Josh josh come on, man cheers and applause piano riff are you actually blaming someone else for you sunburning your anus . Of course its dumb you literally let the sun shine where the sun dont shine. laughter thats on you, brother well be right back with Scarlett Johansson. cheers and applause band playing searching for a way to help stop your cold sore . Only abreva can get rid of it in. As little as 2 1 2 days when used at the first sign. Abreva starts to work immediately to block the virus and protect healthy cells. So yan too. Start saving with target holideals e by sam smith] save 10 on target giftcards. Dont wait, this deal is sunday only get your favorite target holiday giftcards, all 10 off. New holideals arrive all season long. 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New this year, almost a Million People could receive additional financial help from the state to help lower the cost of health insurance. More for those already getting it, and new help for many who havent gotten help before. So check to see how much you can save. It only takes 5 minutes. To be covered by january 1st, enroll by december 15th. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause my first guest is an actress you know from films like lost in translation, jojo rabbit, and as black widow in the avengers. Her new film is Marriage Story. In the beginning, i was the actress, the star, and i felt like something. You be, people came to see me at first, but the farther away i got from that and the more acclaim the Theater Company got i had less and less weight. I just became who, well, you know, the actress that was in that thing that time, and he was the draw, and that would have been fine, but i got smaller. Stephen please welcome back to the late show, Scarlett Johansson. cheers and applause band playing hi hello stephen hello hi hello stephen nice to have you back. Oh, thank you, im happy to be back. Hello. Hello. cheers and applause stephen for the people who have not seen Marriage Story yet, that scene right there is one of the most beautiful and revealing scenes of your character and, yet, the movie is just packed with scenes like that, like peanuts in a snicker bar, i believe the poets say. We had adam driver on a few weeks ago to talk about this, and ill say its emotionally shattering, very challenging. I have not been through a breakup like that before, but incredibly true, and a love story at the same time. What was it like creating this . Because i understand that you and adam were basically signed up on this before there was a script. Yeah, so i met with noah probably, i dont know, a year or so before we started shooting it, actually before there really was even a script, and it was i think i got the feeling that he sort of needed to cast it so he knew what voice these characters were using, and, you know, we shared a lot about our experiences. You know, wed both been through a divorce and were coparenting with someone we were no longer with, but, even more so than that