Hey announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, quid pro quo. Plus, stephen welcomes mark ruffalo and mew cal guest thom yorke and jon batiste and stay human. Live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen well, there you are there it is fun for the whole family hello, friends how are you . Hello, john, whats going on . Were going to make it happy thursday cheers and applause hey, everybody oh, my friends welcome whoo cheers and applause oh, my gosh its like warming yourself beside a roaring fire, john. Jon thats right. Stephen welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Seem l talking about yesterdays live televised impeachment hearings, including me, and ill tell you all about it in tonights don and the giant impeach. Its all a hoax. Its a scam. Stephen yesterday, the acting u. S. Ambassador to ukraine, bill taylor, testified that a staffer overheard President Trump on a phone call discuss the investigations in ukraine with e. U. Ambassador gordon sondland, in public, at a restaurant. Yes, they were eating at quid pro quiznos. laughter the staff member in question is state Department Official and Jeffrey Dahmers vegetarian cousin, david holmes. Hes going to testify behind closed doors tomorrow but theres already one bombshell. Theres now a second u. S. Official who overheard trumps call with sondland. Suriya jayanti, a Foreign Service officer based in kyiv. How loud was he talking . Trump must be very bad at the game telephone. as trump whats that . Got it. Come here, come here. I love doing crimes laughter so, taylors testimony was historic. Unless you ask kellyanne conway, who was not entertained. You tune in, youre either sound asleep, or cant follow he said she said she said he said he said. It is a bunch of gossip girls. Stephen well, is it boring, or is it gossip girl . Because it cant be both. Gossip girl was a very successful show. Thats why youre referencing it and its why im still not over serena ending up with dan it was supposed to be nate but it wasnt just kellyanne. My girls in the house tonight . cheers and applause but it wasnt just kellyanne. Even nbc news tweeted that the testimonies lacked the pizzazz necessary to capture public attention. Yeah, thats what youre looking for inplytrou congressional hearings pizzazz. laughter its why, during iran contra, oliver north came dressed as elton john. laughter and since when is pizzazz the benchmark of trustworthiness . I dont want a pilot who says, attention, passengers, well be touching down in denver in just a moment. But first barrel roll, barrel roll, shimmy, shimmy, and water landing. laughter piano riff trumps main argument against impeachment is that his july 25 conversation with zelensky was a perfect phone call. Its so perfect, hes trying to replace it with a different one. Earlier this week, he tweeted, i will be releasing the transcript of the first, and therefore more important, phone call with the ukrainian president before weeks end so, if its first, its the most important. But this transcript is actually the second one hes releasing, so by trump logic. Im joking. Trump has no logic. cheers and applause piano riff now, this First Ukraine call hes going to release is totally irrelevant. It took place on april 21, right after zelensky was elected president , and has been described by officials who heard it as very brief, and aimed mostly at offering introductory pleasantries. Though im not sure introductory pleasantries with donald trump are ever very brief. as trump congratulations on your election. You know, i also won an election. Ill never forget the news saying donald trump has won wisconsin. Does ukraine have a wisconsin . Anyway, shut up. Im talking. Let me tell you about the time i was on my real estate friends sex boat. laughter piano riff at lunch today, trump showed some g. O. P. Senators the transcript of the first call, including north Dakota Republican and man who tells his barber just give me the charlie brown, kevin cramer. laughter senator cramer had a blockbuster review of trumps gamechanging mostimportant first phone call nothing in there very interesting. Which is also the sign on mike pences door. laughter cheers and applause sure, hes a nice guy. So what is this supposed to prove . as trump see . In this call, i didnt ask for any dirt on joe biden. So, when you average it out, i only committed half a crime. laughter now that televised impeachment hearings have started, trump knows its time to achieve the impossible make people like him. For the past couple of weeks hes been reaching out to republican lawmakers, trying to rally support by making personal phone calls, inviting key republicans to events, and even hosting a pair of movie nights at the executive mansion. Trump has even tried to make small talk with congress members, with topics ranging from conan the hero dog to the world series. Can you imagine trying to make small talk with donald trump . as trump okay, so now we chit chat. Do you want dog or ball . Or my real estate friends sex boat. Also involves a dog and a ball. laughter trump will do anything to woo republicans to his side, he even signed a trump board game for one member. For those of you who arent familiar with the trump board game, its like monopoly, except nobody has as much money as they say they do and everyone should go to directly to jail. laughter cheers and applause heres the thing heres the heres the cheers and applause piano riff heres something. Jared kushner is pushing a plan to set up web cameras to livestream construction of President Trumps border wall. Its literally walltowall coverage of wall. The administration hopes that the live feed will rally public support for hundreds of miles of new border barrier. Nice try, but the only way people are going to rally around this livestream is if it ends with the wall giving birth to a baby giraffe. laughter you remember april. There are some people who dont want the wall cam. Specifically, officials are concerned that cameras would show u. S. Work crews violating mexican sovereignty because they sometimes must stray south of the border to maneuver heavy icans e illegay crossing the border. Hmm, what could mexico possibly do to stop them . Laugh plus, both the army corps of engineers and customs and Border Patrol have told kushner that Construction Contractors do not want their proprietary techniques visible to competitors. Ah, yes, the proprietary techniques of wall go up, and wall also go side to side. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Mark ruffalo is here. cheers and applause now, heres the deal, jon, normally you would Start Playing the piano and we would go to a commercial break right now, but instead of that, how about we do more show . audience cheers you may be asking stephen, how can you do more show without doing commercials . The answer . Volume. Speaking of volume, have i mentioned sirius xm . Specifically their new hotline, 1844sxmmoment. I know. It just rolls off the tongue. So why dont you follow me on the sirius xm cam and lets head on back to the sirius xm money zone. To quote aerosmith, come this way. laughter hey, roger. I, betty. You know, sometimes during the breaks i say hi to guests to make sure theyre honoring the 40 granola bar maximum. Why do we need that role . Ask helen mirren. Andy, what the hell are you doing . Wed to Long Distance phone calls. Please call me radio andy. Yr sirius x channel . Yes, they made me change my time. Is call is to their hotline 1844xm moment. It really rolls off the tongue. Indeed. Im dying know, what is 844xmmmoment . Its a hotline anyone can have a chance to call to talk to me and discover the perfect sirius channel for them. Hi, its me, andy cohen, where would you rather be . One in the city lines, two on country roads. Its like im talking to ay cohen stephen should i leave you guys alone . Not yet. Watch what happens, live. Stephen okay. Based on my answers, andy finds me what sirius xm channel is the best fit for me. Stephen so its like a choose your own quest . Exactly, the quest that is audio entertainment. Stephen and at the end of the quest we kill sirius. Hes the company you cant kill him. Stephen because hes an immortal wizard . No, the aim of the quest is find a sirius xm channel tailored to your taste. Stephen and you pirate broadcast to the rest of the satellite recommend who unit against sirius unlawful reign. Sure siren thats a meanwhile signal. Back to the desk wait, the xm moment is about to tell me which channel stephen hey, roger, wheres betty . laughter applause you know, folks, come on, its its no secret that i spend a lot of my time standing there carefully realizing the days big stories into the acclaimed film that is my monologue. Sometimes i like to collect the smaller stories, overlooked characters, head to my tumbler account to crank out the the rambling fan fiction news that is my segment meanwhile stephen meanwhile its like coming home. cheers and applause meanwhile, in the complex venn diagram that covers sexiness, men, and living, john legend has ju beenepeoples sexiest man alive long live the king look upon his hotness, ye mighty, and grow randy legend is taking over sexiness duties from previous winner, idris elba. And now that idris is released from his hot responsibilities, he can finally live his dream life pounding corn dogs in a lazboy. laughter but this achievement wouldnt be complete without a word from john legends wife, chrissy teigen, who tweeted, i have fulfilled my dream of having boned peoples sexiest man alive an honor chrissy, please that is such a crass way to speak about the leader of the sexy free world. Etiquette demands one simply say, i made bone to him. laughter meanwhile, streaming service disneyplus dropped on tuesday. But bizarrely, when you stream the original Star Wars Episode 4 a new hope, the infamous han shot first scene has been altered yet again. In 1997, the cantina scene was already altered so that greedo shot first, meaning hans shot was in selfdefense. Presumably because han solo had softened after the events of star wars regarding han. laughter now, the disneyplus people, for some reason, have inserted greedo saying the mysterious word maclunkey into the scene. I swear to god, were not making this up. laughter listen for yourself. I bet you have. Maclunkey shot fired stephen what the hell does maclunkey mean . Is it a threat . Is it a swear . Is greedo scottish . laughter even worse, theyve done it to all the iconic disney death scenes. Long live mclunkey. Your mother cant be with you any more. Maclunkey. Mr. Stark, i dont feel so maclunkey. Stephen disneyplus has also come under fire for the disclaimer it now plays at the beginning of some of its movies with racist or offensive content, warning parents that what theyre about to watch may contain outdated cultural depictions. Yes, makes sense. Disney is a 100yearold company, they have a massive back catalog, so you might see something offensive if, for instance, you watch a movie from all the way back in. 1999. laughter meanwhile, three cows who were swept out to sea during Hurricane Dorian have been found stranded on an uninhabited island. Im not surprised the cows were found. Their faces were on every milk carton. laughter a spokesman said, if the cows could talk, imagine the story they can tell you. That must be incredible. Actually, if the cow could talk, im guessing theyd say, stop yanking on my nipples laughter theyre sensitive laughter thats crazy, man. Stephen its true, though, jon. Its true thats what a cow would say yeah. Meanwhile, the entire cast of days of our lives reportedly has been released from their contracts, and the show will go on an indefinite hiatus. Wow, thats hard to believe. In fact, too hard. Maybe in reality, the show is on a private jet to barbados to receive facial reconstruction surgery from infamous plastic surgeon, cocaine runner, and disgraced matador, roberto medina, after which it will reemerge unrecognizable as a different show, perhaps bob hearts abishola well be right back with mark ruffalo laughter you dont let a cold ruin your day. You take dayquil severe liquicaps and crush it. Dayquil severe. The daytime, coughing, aching, stuffyhead, fever, sore throat, power through your day, medicine. Pets. [ gasps ] they see everything we do. Whoo [ screaming ] and they never say a thing. [ sighs ] well, i feel better. Thats why progressive covers them in your auto policy at no extra charge. [ crying ] he only needed a spare. Keeping you and your secret keepers safe. [ crying ] he only needed a spare. Repeat after me. Hi am grateful. Audience i am grateful. I am getting all the gifts this holiday. Hurry in for forty percent off everything. Thats forty percent off everything you get all the gifts now, at old navy. Emreplenished,d, fortified. Emerge everyday with emergenc. Packed with b vitamins, electrolytes, antioxidants, plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good every day . Emerge and see. Blow a kiss, into the sun we need someone to lean on blow a kiss, into the sun all we need is somebody to lean on cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right over there cheers and applause you know my first guest from foxcatcher, spotlight, and as the incredible hulk. His new film is dark waters. They should take dagon. Ats right, they should and it kills me that they wont, but that would mean going to trial and proving that he killed your cows and every scientist who knows anything about any of this already works with these chemical companies. Thats not an accident. Oh. These companies, they have all the money all the time and theyll use it, trust me, i know i was one of them you are still one of em. Cant be serious. Stephen please welcome mark ruffalo cheers and applause band playing stephen have a seat. Wow stephen thanks for being here wow, thank you. They dont react like that at home when i walk through the door. Stephen youve got to get yourself a Live Audience at home. Whats up . Stephen now, were used to seeing you on the big screen as a big, you know, green hulking man. Yes. Stephen who is, at the same time, a here. Yes. Stephen but in the new movie, dark waters, you play a reallife here o somebody you perceive as a person who is a hero. Tell me who is rob belot, who is he and why did you want to play him . So rob belot is a corporate defense attorney. Stephen defending corporations. Yes. Stephen not the gained of guy you think as a hero. No, not the kind of guy you immediately think of a here o. But he has a farmer who came to him who knew his grandmother, with a 12th grade education, and says can you help me out, my cows are dying, a guy has a Chemical Company next to me. And this guy thinks hes going to make a phone call to friends in high places and what happens to him, as it turns out, he takes almost 20 years to uncover the biggest corporate crime and coverup in american history, and he is the most unassuming, the most selfless, the most modest guy in a time when you turn on the tv, and everything is telling you that people are crap, were all crap, do whatever you want to get whatever you can as quickly as you can, no matter who you hurt or how many people you have to step on to get there, and this guy is the most selfless, beautiful, committed person to other people, and he tells the story that we need to hear right now, and hes here tonight, and i want to introduce him. His name is rob belot. cheers and applause rob stephen true story. True story. Stephen thank you for being here. Where did this take place . It took place in since sena cincinnati but most in parkersville, virginia. Stephen who did the spill . Dupont. Its in teflon, it byo accumulates. We cant get rid of it. Its passed to the mother from the mother to the child, its connected to six major diseases, and they have been poisoning us for almost 50 years knowing it and covering it up the whole time. Stephen because you ran actor, i know you pay close attention to politics. To have the 2020 candidates who are running right now, who do you like . Who do you think has the right position here . Well, first of all, i want to preface this by sayin i vd abouc brand altogether. cheers and applause but, for me, ons trip. Stephen in 16. In 2016. And when i think about it, what i see is is he led, and he led then, and now hes leading now, and hes the one stephen hes been consistent. His whole life. Hes never been another he was never another party, he was never never had different views about these things. The rest of the United States has just finally caught up to what this cats been doing already for his entire career, and you know that when he gets in the office, he is going to be fighting for us. cheers and applause stephen okay. Early this year, you were, as i said before, one of you were a cast member of the highest grossing film of 2019 end game, and i know that you will not give me a satisfying answer, but i am legally required by talk show rules to ask you if we will see the hulk again. I dont know. Stephen do you really not know . I dont know. I do know that i did give kevin the blockbuster award at the hollywood film awards the other day, to a smattering of applause, and he did say, hey, do you think there is anymore story left here . And i said i could probably come up with a few story lines. laughter and he said, well, maybe you should come in and well have a talk. Stephen well. You heard it here. Stephen colbert. Stephen youre going to talk. Youre going to talk. applause did you go seize these films did you go see these films . Yes, you can rent them at home but these are films you want to see on the big screen. Yes. Stephen did you go to see it . I went up to connecticut, my son is in boarding school, i went up there, i got all his friends we could fit into the car and thats like five kids stacked on top of each other. Stephen like cord wood, yeah. I put a hoodie on like them, so it was me in my hoodie and ten kids in eir hoodies. Stephen that doesnt look suspicious. No. laughter i snuck, i sat down, the place was packed, and it was all this . Was this end game or infinity war . Infinity war. Stephen okay. We watch the movie, it ends, everyone disappears. Some kid jumps up on the back of his chair a few rows back, tears his shirt off, hes, like, what is this . Thilets tear this place apart these kids, theyre all crying. Stephen oh. And i just my hoodie just got littler and littler. Stephen were you surprised by the emotion that that people were so affected by this because there have been a couple of truly great directors who said these movies are not cinema and yet seem to b