Who . I win again all it takes to win risk chaos edition is to boldly declare victory and leave chaos in your wake you just lit the board on fire. Guess i win again. laughing hey, guys, i just got the new risk chaos edition. I win son of a bitch risk chaos edition, nothing means anything announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight burning it down plus stephen welcomes steve carell and musical guest toby keith, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen hey there nice to see you i like it i like it thank you thank you cheers and applause thank you, dear friends. Welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. And folks cheers and applause in light of the darkness that is the trump presidency, id like to start tonight with something nice. Last night, gymnastics World Champion simone biles threw out the first pitch at game two of the world series, but first, she did something really cool there she is, and whoa cheers and applause keep in mind, she did that before the game started. Can you imagine watching that and then watching baseball . laughter it would be like an emcee saying, ladies and gentlemen we sure hope you enjoyed lizzo. Now please welcome to the stage baseball laughter applause cheering now, back to the darkness, already in progress. laughter late today, we learned that trump will be attending the world series on sunday. Of course, keep in mind, we dont know for sure if it will last that long trumps presidency, i mean. cheers and applause piano riff during an oval office ceremony, reporters say, he was asked if hed throw out the first pitch. Its probably not going to happen. First of all, im not sure he could land the back flip. And second, we know hes not very good at doing things onehanded. laughter ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States as trump okay, everybody. Get ready for a little chin music. Here we go. Pick it up. It made it. Thats 60 feet. Yesterday, the president gave a speech at an Energy Convention in pennsylvania and focused on the technology of the future wall. Were building a wall on the border of new mexico and were building a wall in colorado. Stephen thats right, a border wall in colorado. laughter once theyre done with that, theyre building a naval base in idaho. laughter a lot of people, including me, mocked the president for this, so late last night, he tweeted kiddingly were building a wall in colorado, then stated, were not building a wall in kansas but they get the benefit of the wall were building on the border referred to people in the very packed auditorium, from colorado and kansas, getting the benefit of the border wall yeah, obviously, he was kiddingly laughter if you look at the tape, its clear he was doing a jokle were building a wall on the border of new mexico, and were building a wall in colorado. Were building a beautiful wall. That really works. Stephen yep, thats how you know hes kidding, because he said, it really works. laughter you know the old joke two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted. Really. Brutally assaulted. He was almost amurdered. laughter as a fellow comedian, i get it. Before you tell a joke, you always kick it off by saying kiddingly. laughter if you dont believe me, just check out my prompter. There you go. laughter applause trump wishes hes fun. Trump wishes the democrats were kiddingly about impeachment. Its not easy for republicans to defend trump. We have the transcript of the phone call where he pressures ukraine to investigate biden. Then trump admitted it on camera. Then mulvaney add plighted to quid pro quo on camera. So, left with nothing else, yesterday House Republicans stormed the impeachment hearings. That is a large herd of white men. By the way, a herd of white men is called a j. Crew. laughter a j. Crew of white men. applause the mob was led by florida representative matt gaetz, seen here on bring your chin to work day. laughter this was a desperate, cynical ploy to discredit the basic principles of our constitution. But gaetz sees himself as a hero. We were like, you know, the 300 standing in the breach to try to stop the radical left from storming over our democracy. Stephen okay, all right, thats one point of view. For a rebuttal to matt gaetzs analogy, we go now to King Leonides this is stupid cheers and applause Stephen Gaetz played to the camera when he was asked about his friendship with the president. I love the president so much, i might never love another president again. Stephen wow, thats quite a love story. Theyre like romeo and juliet, except everyone else wants to kill themselves. laughter applause apparently, the president knew about the stunt ahead of time, and today he tweeted thank you to House Republicans for being tough, smart, and understanding in detail the greatest witch hunt in american history. It has been going on since long before i even got elected the insurance policy a total scam as trump thank you, guys. Youre like the sons i wish i had instead of the ones i do. laughter cheers and applause the g. O. P. Is saying, we need to know whats going on in there, but heres the thing, the 47 republicans on the committees leading the investigation have access to the closeddoor depositions. And republican lawyers are given the same amount of time to question witnesses as democratic counsels. In fact of the republicans who r. S. V. P. d for the room storming, 12 of them are allowed to sit in on all depositions. Good protest, guys. What do we want . What we have when do we want it . Already got it why are we here . I dont know. I heard there was pizza applause i heard there was pizza this is not some democratic star chamber, as judge Andrew Napolitano attempted to explain to his fox and friends as frustrating as it may be to have these hearings going on behind closed doors, the hearings over which congressman schiff is presiding, they are consistent with the rules. They can make up any rules they want . They cant change them. They narrowly them. In january of 2015. And who signed them . John boehner. And who enacted them . A republican majority. Stephen what . If boehner did this, that means the deep state has created a time machine and gotten to the republicans in the past. Quick, can we get a picture of john boehner from 2015 . Great scott all of this would be damning to the g. O. P. s complaints, if facts mattered. I miss you, facts. Come back ill floss so why did the republicans pull this stunt . Well, one former prosecutor explains it is often said of trial lawyers that when the law is not on their side, they pound on the facts. When the facts are not on their side, they pound on the law. When neither the law nor the facts are on their side, they pound on the table. Oh, trumps way ahead of you. Hes not pounding on the table. Hes quarterpounding on the table. se hter but even the republican sham argument that the whole things a sham might be about to crumble because House Democrats plan to make the impeachment probe public as soon as mid november. Just in time to ruin thanksgiving. Can you pass the turkey . Trump was right about turkey and ukraine witch hunt you want gravy with your honeybaked scam . cheers and applause piano riff she seems mad. She seems really mad. I think i know which turkey trump is going to pardon this year. as trump laughter the walls are closing in on the trump administration, and that includes on trump attorney and man asking if youre going to finish that baby, rudy giuliani. Jon oh, my, cannibalism. laughter stephen giuliani is being investigated for some shady business dealings in ukraine, and as a result, weve just learned that giuliani is looking for a defense attorney. laughter rudy, if youre looking for a good one, dont look in a mirror. laughter good news for everybody out there whos so high they cant remember the beginning of this sentence. Because, earlier today, president ial candidate Bernie Sanders unveiled his plan to legalize marijuana cheers and applause thats right. Bernie and marijuana, two of the easiest cheerlines in show business. laughter in honor of his new policy, bernie also unveiled his new slogan feel the burn, and hold it in until you start coughing. laughter applause fittingly, bernies proposal dropped at precisely 4 20pm. laughter yeah yeah yeah and you know what happens at 4 20. Bernies dinner time laughter mmhmm, early bird special, baby. I cant wait to see bernie high. as bernie im 100 baked on the stickyicky chronic, and i promise to eat 99 of those little debbie swiss rolls. Together, we will trip balls cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Steve carell is here. But when we return, meanwhile stick around. paul the google pixel 4 has arrived at sprint with an incredible camera featuring night sight. Its now so powerful it lets you capture the stars. So switch and lease a pixel 4 and get the second one for 0 mo. Wow for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Ever since you brought me home, that day. 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[ turn around, look at me there is someone walking behind you turn around look at me there is someone look at me cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause jon batiste, my friend, you know what i hold in my hand right now . Questions for our dear friend steve carell whos going to be out here in just a few minutes. Jon go way back. cheers and applause stephen folks, i spend a lot of time over there, meticulously throwing the clay, handgrinding the pigment, and slaving over the kiln of big news stories to create the delicate grecian urn that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to go to the mall, get a little tipsy at colormemine, and throw some paint on a ceramic fish, dunk it in the marble glaze, and spill some glitter on it, to create the slapdash anniversary present of news that is my segment meanwhile. cheers and applause its a movement its a movement meanwhile, fans are pumped because disney just released the final trailer for episode nine, the rise of skywalker, and it has everything star wars fans love lightsaber duels, tie fighters, and. Space horses . laughter but one scene has hardcore fans worried because it hints at a favorite characters death. What are you doing there, 3po . Taking one last look at my friends. Stephen noooooo say it aint c3pso laughter if you have to kill somebody, throw jarjar into a lightsaber wheat thresher laughter but between you and me, i hear they had to kill off 3po because he was about to get r2metooed. laughter jon oh oh mmmmm. Mmmmm. Oooh. Stephen do you think that ones going to make it past t edit . Well see. Meanwhile, in baseball news, the kids song baby shark has become the unofficial anthem of the world series because nationals outfielder Gerardo Parra here, began using it as his walkup song. Some say its annoying, but its way better than his previous walkup track, the audio book from moby dick. laughter call me ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, i thought i would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. Go nats. laughter stephen meanwhile, scientists have designed a phone case that looks and reacts like human skin. audience reacts heres the new skin phone in action, and gross. Finally a quick and easy way to know if your tinder date is a psychopath. as buffalo bill it puts the lotion on my phone. laughter this Technology Detects and interprets a variety of gestures. For example, slapping the case indicates anger, and pinching or pulling its skin indicates an upset user. So your phone will need a password and a safe word. laughter meanwhile, theres a new fight against gender discrimination, and its happening on reality tv. I was playing in the u. S. Open. I was crushing this guy. And he starts laughing. Its condescending. I didnt know running for office was going to target my momhood. There were very few women, i could not get hired as a lead pastor. In my culture, men and women are not treated equally. Im going undercover as a man. Working with special effects makeup artists. The best in the world. Everything thats feminine and beautiful about you, we are going to change into a man. Its not me we deserve automatic respect as human beings. Stephen this show is the most hardhitting expose since bugs bunny went undercover to investigate sexism in the hunting industry. laughter that wascally wabbit should be given pawento weave. laughter thats as loud as i could do that voice. This seems like a good time to say that here at the late show, we work hard to ensure an equitable workplace for all of our employees. Its something that we pride ourselves on, and yo stephen, whats up. Stephen sorry, everybody. I think its one of my writers im sorry, your name is . Its travis. Stephen travis . Travis bromanguy. Stephen youre one of my writers . Stephen yeah, i write all the jokes about boobies. What even are they . . laughter stephen good stuff. Well, trav, im in the middle of meanwhile, but what can i do for you . Yeah, i was just thinking. You know, like guys do. Can i have 600 . laughter stephen why do you need 600 . For guy stuff. Stephen like . Im having my penis. Winterized. laughter stephen is that what youre talking about right there . Yeah. Stephen and how do you do that, trav . How does one winterize a penis . Its painful. Stephen really . A lot of rotations. Stephen ariel, i know thats you. Damn it okay. Worth a shot. Well, im going to go take up four seats on the subway. Stephen travis bromanguy, everybody well be right back with steve carell. cheers and applause band playing im Christina Stembel and i chose the spark cash card from capital one with unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back, which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer. Whats in your wallet . And i gotta say, i like more. Switch and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month, with unlimited gigs, plus 4 free lg stylo™ 5 phones, all on our super reliable, super fast nationwide network. The pain and swelling. The psoriasis. Cosentyx treats more than just the joint pain of active psoriatic arthritis. It even helps stop further joint damage. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Get real relief, with cosentyx. Performance comes in lots of flavors. dramatic orchestra theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. Happy halloween. Thank you treat what do ya got . Yawn yeah woo pleasure doing business with you. We are literally going to hogwarts right now. This is unexpected. Ahhhh whoaaa [ exasperated sigh ] this is incredible. We just got off hagrid, and it is by far the best ride. This is universal. [visceral laugh and scream] home of tripadvisors number one park in the world so come join us. Get our third park free andoy from 53 a day. Do you recall, not long ago we would walk on the sidewalk all around the wind blows we would only hold on to let go blow a kiss into the sun we need someone to lean on blow a kiss into the sun we needed somebody to lean on all we need is someone to lean on cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an old friend. He stars in the new apple tv series, the morning show. Please welcome back to the late show steve carell cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause stephen . What are you doing . Stephen nice, eh . Weve known each other a long time. Ive known you longer than ive known my wife. Stephen ive known you longer than ive known my wife. Yeah. We should be togeth. I think so. Stephen they dont deserve us were famous laughter but i love seeing you, but it is a little surreal to have you out on the show, for late show Stephen Colbert to interview movie star steve carell because youre just the guy down in the next cubby city to me who is putting stuff on the floor because there are rats down there. Do you remember when we found the rat . Stephen yes, i was there you remember when rubano freaked out and started beating it to death with a fence post . Yeah, i had to walk out of the room at that point. Stephen i couldnt look away. laughter i was the new guy. I guess this is what i was supposed to do, i guess this happens every night at second city. Kl th rat kill the rat stephen mmhmm. I found a new steve carell i didnt know before, and i hope you can explain whats going on here. This is you what is going on with that mustache right there . cheers and applause you lived in witness protection for many years under the name ramon garcia, i understand. laughter whats going on here . My nickname was apparently pepe, for some reason. Stephen how long did you have the stash, steve . On and off about 30 years. Stephen i never knew you with a mustache. I grew a mustache to play la crosse because i thought it made me look for intimidating. laughter look at this stephen how old are you . You look like a knights page from 1312. Yeah. Stephen how old are you here . Seventeen. Stephen 17. Yeah. I started growing a beard when i was, like, 14. It was super easy. Stephen i know. You need to shave halfway through this ser view. I know. I do. Stephen a number of guests have come on