This is humiliating. Let me just tell you. No, no, no. We will get this before the credits roll. Is it steve bulloc scooby dooby doo, where are you . Its the late show live, with Stephen Colbert. Plus, stephen welcomes jeff daniels and katy tur and Jacob Soboroff featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen wooo live, baby cheers and applause wooo thank you, my friend. Hello hello, all my dear friend. Good to see you out there. Jon, good to see you. How is it going, sparkles . You doing good . Thank you for being here. Audience stephen stiffen stephen. Stephen i feel exactly the same way. cheers and applause soaked in electric gasoline. You can feel it. You can feel it. Its coming up. Its coming up. Please, have a seat, everybody. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. We are live, after night one. cheers and applause piano riff after night one, of the democratic debates. This is the second round of debates, so were calling it. Democratic debate night 2 many candidates 2 remember forget harder. cheers and applause jon oh, my. Stephen cnns debate was broadcast from detroits fox theater. You know their slogan when you think cnn, think fox. laughter the debates were moderated by jake tapper, dana bash, and don lemon, or as theyre known by their celebrity thruple name, lemasherbapper. laughter that would be nice. They would make a lovely thruple. laughter lemasherbapper. Jon come on, lemashdebap. Stephen its hard to sum up what happened tonight, but most of tonight was a bunch of guys with no chance to win the democratic nomination yelling republican talking points at the people who can. It was like watching the seven dwarves all offering snow white a poison apple. laughter the uh piano riff the debate began with our national anthem, and everyone passed the test by holding their hands on their hearts, except tim ryan unless he keeps his heart in his scrotum. laughter im not sure. cheers i think he keeps his brain there. Not sure where he keeps the brain, either. piano riff Opening Statements started with longshots like selfhelp guru Marianne Williamson. An amoral Economic System has turned shortterm profits for huge multinational corporations into a false god. Stephen as williamson as opposed to the real god, shivlani, goddess of light, amethysts and essential oils. laughter hail shivlani. Former colorado governor hickenlooper, laid out the stakes of this election in no uncertain terms. I was out of work for two whole years. Stephen as hickenlooper please, i need this job. I am, i am, in deep i am in laughter deep with the wrong people. If i dont get 200 by november, spider the juiceman is coming for my thumbs. laughter he took my thumbs then bernie got his chance, and he talked about Corporate PowerCompanies Like amazon that made billions in profits did not pay one nickel in federal income tax. Stephen as bernie and one nickel is a lot. You can take a streetcar to the ziegfeld, and see a talkie, see a talkie. And still have enough left for an egg cream at woolworths. Jon laughs laughter stephen after many of the candidates had attacked her and Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren made a call for party unity by saying this about donald trump anyone on this stage tonight or tomorrow night would be a far better president. Stephen uuum. Even the guy who thinks his heart is in his junk . laughter because im not sure thats a good call. When it comes to healthcare, bernies a fan of our neighbors to the north. Five minutes away from here, john, is a country. Its called canada. They guarantee health care to every man, woman, and child as a human right. Stephen as bernie its a magical land where health care is free, hugs are mandatory, and the currency has been replaced with maple syrup that gets you high. cheers and applause you can ride a moose to a beaver factory. I dont know what that means. Steve bullock addressed the Health Care Issue with a personal story. Never forget when my 12year old son had a heart attack within 24 hours of his life. Had to be lifeflighted to salt lake city, but because we had good insurance, hes here with me tonight. Stephen i am glad governor bullocks son is okay. But apparently steve bullocks Healthcare Plan is to adopt everyone in america . Then, if something happens, were all good. laughter bernie pointed out how entrenched the Current Health care system is. And by the way, by the way, the Health Care Industry will be advertising tonight on this program. Rnestephen wow, for some reason advertisers. I bought a catheter and lets just say it was not self lubricating. laughter it was like inserting a pixie stick. Jon come on. Stephen its sad but its true and when it came to medicare for all, bernie was ready to throw down. They will be better because medicare for all is comprehensive. It covers all Health Care Needs for senior citizens. It will finally include dental care, hearing aids, and eyeglasses. But you dont know that. Second of all you dont know that, bernie. Well come to you in a second. I do know that. I wrote the damn bill. cheers and applause jon oh, whoa stephen boom jon oh get in there, bernie get in there, bernie mimics whip crack jon hey stephen as bernie i wrote the damn bill, and its a good thing you get dental care, tim, because i just slapped the teeth out of your dirty mouth. laughter and applause its raining chiclets in here jon laughs piano riff stephen but john delaney didnt buy bernies healthcare numbers. His math is wrong. Thats all im saying, that his math is wrong. Ceroans jon oh man, come on. Stephen now. Oh, really . Whole lot of delaney fans here tonight. Theyre an endangered species by the end of the first round of questioning, it was clear who was taking the lead in the most important contest in america right now hannah b. Was going with jed over tyler. Even though jed only cares about promoting his music career, hannah i may have briefly switched over to the bachelorette, middebate. laughter and applause piano riff and on the subject of healthcare, john delaney tried to speak to his experience on the trail. Ive been going around rural america, and i ask ruralhoital n ques stepho you know i am . An w in no way helpful. Marianne williamson identified the problem with our health care system, phrasing. We need to realize we have a sickness care, rather than a health care system. Stephen as williamson we have a department of housing, but not a department of home. laughter we have a secretary of education, instead of a secretary of educating. We have a Defense Department instead of a dream catcher i bought in sedona. laughter catch the missiles coming in, it will catch them. piano riff laughter and, mayor pete took issue with the repetition in how we discuss gun control. This is the exact same conversation weve been having since since i was in high school. Stephen and that was almost three weeks ago. This is ridiculous this is ridiculous. laughter jon hes a young cat, man. I feel what hes saying. Stephen mayor pete showed his faith in the system. This is a country that once changed its constitution so you couldnt drink, and changed it back because we changed our minds about that. Thank you. Stephen and to that, let me just say, god bless the United States of america. cheers and applause piano riff mm, thats all for now Governor John Hickenlooper tried to argue his centrist point of view, and he wasnt a fan of bernies theatrics. So, again, i think if were going to force americans to make these radical changes, theyre not going to go along. And you go, throw your hands up. All right jon laughs laughter stephen what are you doing . cheers and applause oh my god, what are you doing . What are you doing, hickenlooper . throwing his hands up in exasperation is bernies signature move as bernie i throw my hands in the air, because i profoundly care laughter tim ryan is that his name, tim ryan . Tim ryan had a weird way of connecting with the common man. Weve got to talk about the working class issues, the people who take a shower after work. laughter stephen thats a unique way to refer to working class voters. as ryan i care about the people who shower after work who come in and peel off their sweaty clothes in the garage, because theyre dirty. They are so, so very dirty. Then they soap up and maybe the soap splashes on the sides of the glass in the shower. And it gets all steamy and soapy you cant see whats going on in there. And then maybe some of the water tumbles off them splashes on the glass and rolls down, and then, suddenly bam it clears away and you can see all the way to Christmas Morning and you can tell theyre into crossfit. And, im sorry, what was the question . What was. laughter john delaney kept talking about how the nominee shouldnt attempt anything too extreme. Like, anything. And Elizabeth Warren had a rebuttal for that. I dont understand why any one goes to the trouble of running for president of the United States just to talk about what we really cant do and shouldnt fight for. cheers and applause stephen whoa boom stay down, delaney come on. Stay down, delaney youre bleeding out. Youre blind in one eye. Come on. Elizabeth eats lightning and craps thunder laughter but, but the vibrant millennial, Bernie Sanders, had a message to the youth. We need to bring millions of young people into the political process in a way that we have never seen by, by among other things thank you, senator. Making public colleges and universities tuition free and canceling student debt. Thank you, senator. Stephen as bernie we want a tik tok, snapchat in every cardi b. Im Bernie Sanders and im running for Student Council president laughter bernie, bernie cheers and applause i will come at you like a spider monkey ryan knew what to do on the environment. And he had the names to prove it. And you can go ask you can go ask gabe brown and alan williams, who actually make money off of regenerative agriculture. Stephen wait a second. Alan williams and gabe brown . Why didnt you say so when ive already forgotten their names . Then, tim ryan took a swipe at one of the heavy weights. I didnt say we couldnt get there until 2040, bernie. You dont have to yell. laughter jon oh. Stephen as bernie im not yelling this is what it sounds like when i whisper laughter its how i sang my kids lullabies at night. Twinkle, twinkle, little star the billionaire class has gone too far. piano riff cheers and applause so sweaty. So sweaty. I dont usually break a sweat. I rarely i gotta say, i gotta say applause cheers i was testing you, testing you. And, the cnn moderators stuck to their rule on candidates answers stop them from answering. More about thank you, ms. Williamson. Thank you, mayor. To supporting entrepreneurship for black entrepreneurs. Thank you very much. Thank you, senator. We have to lead the world thank you, senator sanders. Markets thank you, senator. No, so the question is senator, thank you, please abide by the rules. Congressman delaney its your turn. Thank you, senator. Stephen you can imagine these guys monitoring the lincolndouglas debates . as Abraham Lincoln a house divided against itself, cannot thank you, mr. Lincoln. Thank you. I have to give time to a fence post, by which i mean tim ryan. Now mayor pete applause mayor pete took issue with the democrats Climate Change talking points. We have all put out. Stephen look. laughter im going to stop you right there. This is a family debate. We dont need to know which one of you has put out. Now, then marianne. Went full williamson. If you think any of this wonkiness is going to deal with this dark psychic force of the collectivized hatred that this phen yes im afraid tup in this laughter there she goes, tossing her base some of that red unicorn meat. And the only way to defeat it is to help harry potter locate the final horcrux. laughter and applause and then piano tones and then, then cnn asked the allwhite group of candidacy how they deal with racism. Governor hickenlooper, why are you the best nominee to heal the racial divide in america . Please respond. Stephen look, i know the feeling of being put down because of something i cant control. Through no fault of my own, my name rhymes with lickenpooper. I know abuse. Jon oh, my. Steph plano negotiate her trade wials. Table, with Small Farmers at the table, with environmentalists at the table, with human rights activists at the table. Stephen and were going to need Table Manufacturers at theo need them to make much bigger tables, tables big enough for everyone ive invited to the table, table. applause then mayor pete took a shot at the republican enablers. When david duke ran for congress, ran for governor, the Republican Party 20 years ago ran away from him. Today, they are supporting naked racism in the white house. Stephen please, mayor pete, its bad enough. Dont make me imagine donald trump tweeting in the nude. applause then, then. Then Marianne Williamson began her final, final statement. Our problem is not just that we need to defeat donald trump. Stephen as williamson we have to defeat the dark lord sauron. Defeat the lidless eye. Ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum ishi krimpatul cheers and applause jon woooo stephen thank you, you know what im talking about. You know what im talking about. Hickenlooper hickenclosed this way what a night. Ive loved it. Stephen that makes one of us. And no sooner had the debate ended when cnn put up a countdown clock to tomorrow nights debates. Thats either the time until the next debate or how long tim ryan is going to spend fantasizing about your afterwork shower. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Jeff daniels is here. But when we return meanwhile. Maybe . cheers and applause band playing sprintern did you know you can switch to sprint and get both our unlimited plan and the brilliant iphone xr included . paul go on. sprintern for just 35 per month. paul go on. sprintern and it has a longer lasting battery life. paul go on. sprintern and well thats it. Its that simple. paul it sure is. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com starter, entree and drink ifor always 10 bucks no strings attached, no hoops and no hurdles were not an obstacle course, were a chilis 3 for 10 bucks, baby, bucks, baby, bucks mmmhmmm together we chilis, oh yeah, baby, yeah did you know you can save money by using dish soap to clean grease on more than dishes . Using multiple cleaners on grease can be expensive, and sometimes ineffective. For better value, tackle grease with dawn ultra. Dawn is for more than just dishes. It provides 3x more grease cleaning power per drop, which cuts through tough kitchen messes, tr evar rims. Ckleough greasyugh messes around your home, and save money with dawn ultra. Brand power. Helping you better. We all care about amazing taste. Thats why weve been making the best mayonnaise for over 100 years. Best foods. Were on the side of food. [ scoffs ] if you say so. Im sorry . What teach here isnt telling you is that snapshot rewards safe drivers with discounts on car insurance. What . Or maybe he didnt know. [ chuckles ] im done with this class. Youre not even enrolled in this class. I know. Im supposed to be in ceramics. Do you know room 303. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Good luck, everybody. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. How do you get skin happy aveeno® with prebiotic oat. It hydrates and softens skin. So it looks like this. And you feel like this. Aveeno® daily moisturizer get skin happy™ whispers how about one that boots up fast . Its switching time. Hows that for fast . Switch to booting up as fast as six seconds switch to chromebook one call 811 before you dig. You can do is to make sure you calling 811 can get your lines marked. Its free, its easy, we come out and mark your lines. We provide you the information so you will dig safely. Leave the structure, call 911, keep people away, and call pg e soe can both respond out and keep the public safe. band playing cheers and applause stephen everybody, welcome back. Jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band cheers and applause folks right over here. Folks, jeff daniels will be out here in just a moment. Always a great guest to have on the show. applause jon jeff daniels in the house. Stephen i spent a lot of time over there composing a multilayer symphonic soundscape of news stories in the monologue. But once in a while i like to take a fivegallon bucket, turn it over, whittle a flute out of a discarded pig shin bone, scratch out a tune on grandmas old washboard to piece together the backwoods country jug band of topical news that is my segment cheers and applause meanwhile jon come on, now laughter and cheers stephen meanwhile, the t. S. A. At b. W. I. Airport in maryland detained a man yesterday after a missile launcher was found in his checked bag. Who are these people . Honey, do you think you can pack this Rocket Launcher . Its over three ounces of launcher. laughter applause meanwhile, in doughnut news, krispy kreme is redesigning its stores and making its menu even more sugary. audience reacts i guess to answer the question, can god make a doughnut so sweet, that even he gets diabetes . laughter applause the new krispy kreme menu will feature concoctions like doughnutinfused ice cream. And if you think i would stoop so low, to talk about this story just to get krispy kreme to send me a pint of it. Then you know me pretty well. laughter applause meanwhile, meanwhile, we here at meanwhile Global Partners get so much insane news out of one particular state, that we had to create our meanwhile subsegment guess which state this happened in . Never mind, its florida. Give me back my drugs, alligator firecracker explodes applause stephen meanwhile, in new port richey, florida, this man, lonnie maddox, was arrested for breaking into a home, which he did on horseback. l