You dont have them, you cant win. Well, i won, you know, and ill win again. This country is allowing great wines but we have great wines, too. Were not the fools anymore. Were not the foolish country that does so badly. China very much wants to make a deal. They want to make a deal much more than i do. Hes actually an incredible guy, hes a great man. Thank you, you take care of yourself. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, mexican standoff. Plus stephen welcomes samuel l. Jackson, and former secretary of Defense Ash Carter, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ek city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen whoo hello cheers and applause thanks, everybody thanks so much please have a seat ladies and gentlemen, welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen in my official capacity as a late night host, tonight i declare that the state of our union is cranky. Heres whats going on. See, trump said he had this big win on friday, when mexico agreed to step up Border Security to keep Central American migrants from coming into the u. S. In exchange, the president agreed not to impose planned tariffs on mexico. So, according to donald trump, donald trump was the hero, saving the worlds economy from the clutches of that maniac donald trump. laughter piano riff but then, on saturday, the New York Times reported that mexico agreed to take these border actions months before trump announced the tariff deal. laughter so the threats of tariffs, the negotiations, the deal itself, were all fake. It was like some sort of theater. In this case, the lyin king. laughter cheers and applause singing laughter stephen were paraphrasing, obviously. Jon yeah. Stephen specifically, the times reported that the centerpiece of trumps deal was an expansion of a program to allow Asylum Seekers to remain in mexico while their legal cases proceed. But that arrangement was reached in december. So trump is just taking credit for deals that were already in place. as trump im also proud to announce that the berlin wall is coming down, cheers and applause the hostages have been released by iran, and i have purchased louisiana from france. laughter cheers and applause according to the times, mexico also agreed to deploy its National Guard to its southern border, but the Mexican Government had already pledged to do that in march during secret talks in miami with kirstjen nielsen. Evidently, those talks were so secret even donald trump hadnt heard about them. laughter but, you know what they say, ignorance is president. laughter applause so, if all this stuff had already been agreed to, why the negotiations . One cnn Analyst Thinks that the deal with mexico was mostly about saving president ial face. And anyone on trumps makeup team knows thats not an easy task. laughter weve lost a lot of good men in those jowls. laughter trump also tweeted, mexico has agreed to immediately begin buying large quantities of Agricultural Products from our great patriot farmers i got to say, typing in all caps, never a good sign. laughter thats usually only used for flame wars and boner pill spam. laughter trump might as well have tweeted, wow, wow, wow. Mexico promises our patriot farmers up to five inches of girthy agriculture in 30 days or less. Make the ladies go eiei oooh laughter cheers and applause eieioooh. Whoa so no surprise, that on saturday mexican officials said that agricultural trade hadnt been discussed. But he said it was discussed. Is Trump Holding negotiations with imaginary friends . as trump senor mexican secretary, your country must buy more corn and soybeans from the United States. as senor wences salright as trump great. Now back to smooching. I love you so much. I love you so much. laughter piano riff after this report, trump was not happy, whinesplaining, if president obama made the deals that i have made, both at the border and for the economy, the corrupt media would be hailing them as incredible, and a National Holiday would be immediately declared. With me, despite our record setting economy and all that i have done, no credit laughter no, its true. Its true. Trump gets no credit. Thats why he had to borrow the money from the russians. laughter applause piano riff jon no credit stephen no budget this weekend, trump also went after msnbc host and Orville Redenbachers disappointed father, donny deutsch, tweeting little donny deutsch, whose show, like his previous shoebiz tries, is a disaster shoebiz . Really . Ive heard its very hard to break into. Shoebiz. laughter as old timey producer im sorry, kid. I know you wanna be a star, but thats a croc. You havent got a chance in heel. Let me give you some wingtips stop loafering around and find a new balance. Now, if youll excuse me, i got an appointment with doc marten. Ugg laughter cheers and applause sometimes youve just got to take a victory lap, jon. Jon thats right. Stephen trump is upset at deutsch because donny has been saying that i had been a friend of his. This is false. I agree. Its just not believable that donald trump has friends. la apparently, trump was responding to deutsch saying this on saturday night speaking of the Trump Organization and bankruptcy and ive known trump well for years and i believe its a criminal enterprise. Stephen okay, thats not very nice. laughter very accurate. But not nice. laughter heres the thing, though deutschs audience on msnbc averages less than 900,000 viewers a night, while trumps twitter feed currently has over 60 million followers. Trump is just boosting the signal of donnys criticism. Its like a rockstar getting on stage and saying, as rocker hello, cleveland before we get rocking, i just heard a guy in the bathroom say that ive got a truly tiny weiner, and i just want all 300,000 of you to know thats not true. One, two, three, four laughter cheers and applause carrot in the throat. clearing throat jon i know who that was. Stephen trump must have felt bad about his behavior because later he tweeted, i know it is not at all president ial to hit back at the corrupt media, or people who work for the corrupt media, when they make false statements about me or the trump administration. Problem is, if you dont hit back, people believe the fake news is true. So well hit back as trump and i know its not very intelligent to stick my tongue in a light socket, but if i dont, people might believe i know not to do that. So, its time to ride the lightning down to tongue town. laughter cheers and applause but trump simply cant resist. This morning, an executive Vice President of the u. S. Chamber of commerce went on cnbc to come out against trumps recent use of tariffs. The weaponization of tariffs, the increase of threats on our economy, on our farmers, on our manufacturers, our consumers, is going to hurt our country. Tariffs are not the way we want to go. Stephen what does he know . laughter hes just Vice President of the nations largest business organization, who is literally named, Myron Brilliant. laughter that must Myron Brilliant. Jon wow. Stephen he must have had a tough time in high school. Check out Myron Brilliant over here laughter but you know what, its just a driveby interview with some talking head on cable news. Who cares . The president of the United States. Mr. President , are you. Uh, are you with us . I am with you. Hi, joe. Hi. Uh great to have you on, thank you for calling in. Look, without tariffs, we would be captive to every country, and we have been for many years. Stephen maybe thats a valid point. Maybe its not. Doesnt mean the president should call in to the tv man. as trump hello, wheel of fortune, give me pat sajak. Im ready to solve the puzzle. Hamberder. laughter cheers and applause but once president 14th caller was on the line, he was in no hurry to get back to work. Do you think facebook and google and amazon, are these companies are too big now . Do you think they should be broken up . Well, i can tell you they discriminate against me. You know, people talk about collusion, the real collusion is between the democrats and these companies because they were so against me during my election run. Stephen as trump im telling you, google is so against me, i googled my name and. Holy smokes, theres another donald trump out there, who is as dumb as a bag of hammers. laughter and you go on Google Images and there are pictures of that guy that look like an unrefrigerated hog carcass. laughter piano riff weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause samuel l. Jackson is here. But when we return, ill be right here with more monologue, doin it donkeystyle. Stick around. cheers and applause youve tried so many moisturizers. But one blows them all out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and try our hydrating makeup. Classical Music playing throughout a peaceful night sleep without only imagine. Frequent heartburn waking him up. Now that dream is a reality. Nexium 24hr stops acid before it starts for allday, allnight protection. Can you imagine 24 hours without heartburn . A lot of folks ask me why their dishwasher doesnt get everything clean. I tell them, it may be your detergent. 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Switch to booting up as fast as six seconds switch to chromebook cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back jon batiste and stay human, everybody ladies and gentlemen, youre going to want to stick around because we have samuel l. Jackson over there. The man himself. The legend. Jon yes, yes cheers and applause stephen happy to be back over here. Heres the deal, too much monologue tonight so we have to do more here. But let me just remind you what we were talking about. Before i was so rudely interrupted by the commercials we love so much, i was over here talking about trumps mexico tariffs. The deal is, he should be less worried about Illegal Immigrants and a little more worried about the huge caravan of democrats making their way towards the white house. laughter cheers and applause and ill tell you the latest in tonights doin it donkey style. I know oprah cheers and applause stephen up next on donkey style, this weekend in iowa, democrats held their Biggest GroupCampaign Event yet, featuring not one, not 12, but 19 candidates at one event little known fact a group of democrats that large is called a whole foods. piano riff cheers and applause a whole foods. There that is. You know that. They were all there to make their pitch to the people of iowa, and they had to keep it brisk. Because there were so many, they were each given only five minutes to speak. And to enforce that limit, they took a page from award shows and used loud music to play off anyone who spoke too long. Heres former maryland congressman john delaney. Making Community College free, launching national service, or dealing with all the blessings of technology and making sure the American People are equipped to deal with it. On all of these issues, there is a common sense way forward and lets build that Big Coalition party and govern and lead this se nedagod bless you. Healthmore wd turbines, infrastructure, and uh, my agent larry at u. T. A. , my drama teacher who really believed in me, meryl streep, it shouldve been you this is for all bald men i love you mom cheers and applause with such a limited time onstage, candidates pulled out all the stops to make a quick impression. Like mayor pete buttigieg, incredibly impressive guy. Hes got multiple languages, rhodes scholar, he tried to win their hearts with some piano jazz. laughter cheers and applause enwhat wastr th th he nail it . laughter the man taught himself norwegian, jon. Jon hes a really smart guy. Stephen really smart guy. Maybe he cant swing . Jon cant do it all cant do it all. laughter stephen thats kind of satisfying. Thats kind of nice to know theres something he cant do. Jon i know. Come on, what am i doing . Stephen he cant play like you but can you play like him . laughter can you give us the buttijazz . Jon the bluesigieg band playing band playing off key and off tempo cheers and applause laughter stephen thank you. Thank you, maestro. Jon yes. Stephen there was one candidate who, somehow, didnt want to take part in this. And thats current iowa front runner, former Vice President and man handing his clean plate to the waitress while saying, haha guess i hated it , joe biden. laughter but the former Vice President had a good excuse. Biden did not attend the event because he was celebrating his granddaughters high school graduation. audience reacts but dont worry, nothing bad ever happens when the Democratic Front runner decides not to go to a swing state. laughter audience reacts but bidens not worried, because hes out there reminding voters of his core message i know barack obama. cheers and applause on saturday, the Vice President tweeted happy bestfriendsday to my friend, barackobama, with a photo of two friendship bracelets. Mr. Vice president , if theyre really friendship bracelets, you wouldnt still have both of them. laughter applause im guessing youre your own emergency contact. laughter the other candidates made sure to note bidens absence. Heres mayor pete taking a sideways shot at bidens more moderate platform. Were not going to win by playing it safe or promising a return to normal. We are where we are because normal broke. And we democrats can no more promise a return to the 90s than republicans can deliver on a promise to return us to the 50s. Stephen i dont know, mayor pete. 90s reboots are more popular than ever. Its why joe biden is also in the reboot of all that. laughter but mayor petes strategy may be working, because he is surging in the polls in iowa. So you know what . Good for him. Jon, lets play him some bratory music band playing stephen well be right back with samuel l. Jackson get it, daddy cheers and applause twentieth reunion. And these new highrise slim straights are it. Take that jane fineberg. Take what . Jane i see youre still a weirdo. Made a whole career of it babe. Shop fifty percent off all tees, forty off all dresses, and thirty off all jeans. Now at old navy. Of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. I knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. I knew there was a vaccine available that could help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. I knew. So i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. New magnum ice cream. Double sea salt caramel. Carefully made to be broken. Magnum ice cream. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight from pulp fiction, snakes on a plane, and the avengers. His latest film is shaft. Were just here looking for the owner, benny. Im benny. Huh. Oh please . Us mome, yo, what is wrong with you . She picked up a bat. You cant beat up a woman. Why not . Because shes a woman. Thats like misogynistic. Youre the one being misogynistic. I didnt mention her gender. Youre the one bringing her up being a woman. Im an equal opportunity ass whooper. Can i handle this . Thank you. Hi benny, we dont want any trouble, we just came to ask you just a couple of questions. Oh damn stephen please welcome samuel l. Jackson cheers and applause band playing theme from shaft cheers and applause find my way. cheers and applause stephen yeah. Nice to see you again. cheers and applause i like someone who takes their time to let the audience appreciate them. You cant teach that. Its the southern way. I notice you do it. Stephen yeah, thats the only reason im here. Where are you from originally . Chattanooga, tennessee. Stephen oh, i didnt know that. Choochoo. Rock city, baby. Stephen last night, you were at the tonys. Was i . Stephen here you are presenting alongside your wife Latanya Richardson jackson. Yes. cheers and applause stephen one of the stars of to kill a mockingbird. A beautiful portrayal. Shes killing it on Broadway Stephen how was the night . You presented to elaine may for best actress. Awesome. Its a great feeling to present to a theater veteran like that. Watch her and have scott rudin pat you on the back. Whats he doing . But it was all fun. I loved the tonys. I never got to go when i was here working as a young actor because i never did anything on broadway. But to be able to go now, my wifes in the show and ive done another show on broadway since then. Stephen for the mountaintop in 2011. Yeah. Stephen would you want to go back . Is there a show that would tempt you back to broadway . I think about going back to the boys all the time. When i go and see a show it makes me miss