Senators forehead. The hearing came to an abrupt end when it turned out the rhino was playing possum and trampled the president s son. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trouble in poll land. Plus, stephen welcomes beto orourke and billy porter. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hi delightful. Hey, everybody how are you . Thanks, everybody. Welcome. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, heres something both joe biden and donald trump were in iowa campaigning yesterday, so happy new Election Year my resolution is to never learn who John Hickenlooper is. laughter biden and trump were super catty about each other in each of their speeches when they were talking. It was like high school, which for these two guys involved reading to learn off slate tablets between harvests. Single, oneroom schoolhouse. Biden applause biden attacked trump for acting unpresident ial. Donald trump, the president of the United States, just spent saturday night attacking private citizens, using language like little Donny Deutsch and total loser. Barack obama wouldnt do that. No president would do that. Most teenagers wouldnt do that. Stephen true, because most teenagers dont spend their saturday nights watching Donny Deutsch. cheers and applause also i might have. I might have. Also, nice sly throw out there, like, you just throw your old boss in there, remember . Just managed to slip obama into that sentence somehow. In fact, the only President Biden seemed to mention more than donald trump was barack obama. My granddaughter, who is graduating from high school, and her best friend is sasha obama. Afterward no, theyve been in School Together the whole time. So, barack and i and jill and the whole family, we got together afterwards to have a little light lunch and dinner for the families that all these girls grew up together with. Stephen we get it. You know barack obama. laughter we understand. We concede that. At this point, you should change your slogan to biden 2020 obama 2012 applause when he wasnt talking about barack obama, biden made some pretty Wild Campaign promises. I promise you, if im elected president , youre going to see the single most important thing that changes in america is were going to cure cancer. Stephen okay, that would be great. That would be great. It touched his life. Its touched so many lives. But, please, but if you can cure cancer, could you maybe just do that now . Because people might, might cheers and applause lets not hang this. President or no president , people might vote for a candidate who promises to cure cancer, but they would definitely vote for the guy whos already done it. Now on the other side of the state, i dont know which side, but in iowa, at an ethanol plant, trump reminded farmers of the moment when he, trump, reversed some of obamas water regulations. They took your land away. If you had a puddle in the middle of the field, they considered it a lake. The rules, the regulations made it impossible. And i signed that. And behind me, i had Home Builders and farmers mostly, and ranchers. And many of them never cried in their lives, including when they were born, and they were crying. laughter stephen what does he have against Human Emotion that he considered it a weakness for male babies to cry . as trump im telling you people who have never shed a tear in their lives, im telling you, as soon as i became president , started bawling, wherever i go. The toughest people youve ever seen, theyre weeping. These people, these men are weeping. Theyre muttering, why . How could you let this happen, god . Thats how much they love me. Later, at a fundraiser, trump posed an interesting question. Despite our amazing success, the Democrat Party has never been angrier. Theyre so angry. Did you ever see a people so angry . For what . Stephen ill give you a hint. laughter what has two thumbs and is destroying democracy . cheers and applause see, its possible, i dont know if any of you have noticed this, jon, but some people dont like donald trump, which may be why, in a new National Quinnipiac poll, biden leads trump by 13 points. 13. cheers and applause 13. Thats not that 13. That is a lead that is so big, its ready for its bar mitzvah. And its not just biden. In the poll, sanders beats trump by nine points, harris wins by eight points, warren beats him by seven, buttigieg and booker both beat him by five. cheers and applause and, and, somehow and somehow, bill de blasio still loses by 137 . laughter buttigieg beats him. Let me remind you. Right now, the sitting president of the United States, the commander in chief, the leader of the free world, is trailing the mayor of south bend, indiana. Its like the heavyweight champ applause thats like the heavyweight champ being knocked out by your cousin who claims he knows karate. Come at me, bro. For i know karatay. I could kill you with one toe. Would you like to find out which one . Harder to do than i thought. But trump is not concerned, tweeting, laughter wow, that was applause let me get this straight. So they suppress numbers, but first they made up the numbers, and the numbers dont even exist. Can you imagine trump giving an alibi . as trump it couldnt have been me, officer. I was asleep the whole time. Plus i was at work. The crime didnt occur, and i dont exist smoke bomb im gone. cheers and applause so the polls look bad for trump, but, i dont know. Can i trust them . Ive been hurt before. My psyche is still processing the feelings from Election Night 2016, and my livers still processing the bourbon. laughter dare i love again . Oh, who am i kidding . I cant stay mad at you, polls. You had me at trumps losing. applause now, trump talked about his polling this afternoon in a press avail with the president of poland, andrzej duda. Which is why we at the late show are declaring this andrzej duda day. laughter anyway, trump was asked about all of his bad polling. No, because we have great internal polling. There were fake polls that were released by somebody that is its ridiculous. No, we are winning in every single state that weve polled. Stephen yes, they are winning in every state theyve polled delusiana, chaos sachusetts, and denialvania. laughter then hde donald trump, a bizarre claim. The strongest ive ever been is exactly today. Stephen not sure not sure id be bragging about that. as trump im 72, i shamble, i only eat garbage food. And i promise you this im at my absolute peak. Then, trump recalled the good times he recently had in europe, and his speech over there to commemorate dday. I just had an incredible time. That speech was special from the standpoint of the people of poland, and i know it was considered a very important speech. I could say it, but i dont wanna say it. But some people said it was the best speech ever made by a president in europe. Stephen as trump it was the best speech ever by a president in europe. I dont wanna say it, but i gotta say it, because if i dont say it, no one will ever have said it. cheers and applause invert the polarity, and the thing like that, and you have. Karatay. Later in the duda day, the leaders held a joint press conference, and in honor of the event, trump did his hair and eyebrows in neon highlighter. laughter while talking about americas relationship with poland, we learned something new about donald trump. We are committed to further expanding commerce based on fairness and reciprocity perhaps my favorite word. Stephen as trump reciprocity, perhaps my favorite word. I cant wait to spell it wrong in a tweet. Im thinking maybe recipe city. or raisinbranity. one reporter asked trump about a letter trump received from kim jongun, and trump was not very forthcoming. He just wrote me a nice letter. Unexpected. Some day you will see what was in that letter. Some day you will be reading about it, maybe in 100 years from now, maybe in two weeks. Who knows . Stephen you know you you actually know donald trump would be the worst ever comcast technician. as trump yeah, hi. Ill be at your apartment sometime between 2 00 p. M. And the next century. Who knows . When trump had cheers and applause Comcast Comcast comcast do they own this network . They dont. When trump had to choose a reporter to ask the next question, he just couldnt decide. Who do i like . Nobody stephen what a coincidence. Nobody is also who likes you weve got a great show for you tonight. Beto orourke is here. But when return, the scandal in local weather this is a hot one. Stick around. cheers and applause i switched to liberty mutual, because they let me customize my insurance. And as a fitness junkie, i customize everything, like my bike, and my calves. Liberty mutual customizes your car insurance, so you only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Steady the elbow. Shoot me one . Ahh boom shaka laka. Feisty. Ahh Wireless Network claims are americas most reliable network. The nations largest and most reliable network. The best network is even better . Best, fastest, best. Enough. Sprints doing things differently. Theyre offering a new 100 total satisfaction guarantee. I mean i think Sprints Network and savings are great, but dont just take my word for it. Try it out and decide for yourself. 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Petsmart band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human right over there. Give it up for the band jon yeah stephen jon, you know who is going to be out here in just a moment, sitting right there. Do you want to guess his name . Jon beto orourke. Stephen beto orourke is going to be sitting right over there. cheers and applause running for president of the United States. Jon yes stephen and hes going to sit over there. He might stand up here to talk for a while. Jon thats what i was going to say. Is he going to stand up there . Stephen he likes standing on things. The guys got fantastic balance. Jon oh, my goodness. Stephen i bet he knows karatay. Folks, personal question. Are there any weather fans out there . applause yeah. Well, im sorry to say i have some troubling news. Not all is well in the world of weather. Theres controversy involving w. I. C. S. , springfield, Illinois News leader. They were told by their corporate owners that every time there was any bad weather everything from a tornado to a light drizzle they had to announce it to their viewers with the graphic code red. The theory behind the code red is that its exciting, its grabbing, and more people would keep watching if you scare them until their pants are at code brown. Heres the thing, though. Its not at all informative. So viewers complained to the station with thousands of comments on social media, letters to the editor, frequent calls to local talk radio shows. Wow. Does this town consist entirely of old people . laughter dear television, i dont like the Weather Forecast changed. Also, lorna doones are too pointy laughter enter our hero, w. I. C. S. Meteorologist and norse god of beige, joe crain. Crain was the weatherman there. Crain heard the calls of the people and went on air to take a stand. We want you to know, its not us. This is a corporate initiative, the code red alert. And behind the scenes, many of us have tried to dissuade it for the last few months, to try Something Else thats less controversial to the viewers. So, keep in mind, despite the fact that this facility is owned by a corporation, its still licensed under the authority by the federal Communications Commission to serve the public interest, convenience, and necessity. So you still have a voice. Keep those cards and letters coming. Stephen oh, snap a call to action against his own company this is like if network was about the weather guy. I want you to get up right now, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell, im as wet as hell, and im not gonna forget my umbrella anymore cheers and applause where is my tony wheres my tony, cranston crains bold stand actually did have an impact, because the station agreed to replace code red. But like all revolutionaries, he paid a price, because as of today, joe crain is out of his job at w. I. C. S. This is an injustice and, ironically, its the one instance where it would be good to have a code red. With joe crain gone, the problem of scaring people about the weather isnt getting any better. Just look at w. I. C. S. s new weatherman. Hello springfield, im trip dipler with your fiveday death cast. It look likes we have light rain headed into tuesday so pack an umbrella and make your peace with god. Later tonight, temperatures will dip, so weve got an apocalypse advisory. If you go outside youll be engulfed in icecold tongues of flames, and your children will forget the sound of your voice. So if youve got any patio furniture, bring it on in tonight. Over to otis for sports. The warriors are coming flee stephen well be right back with beto orourke not even our competitors best battery can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. 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This is big. And thats bigger. That leave therea lasting impression. Like the feeling of movement as a new journey begins, or the sight of soft fur, warmed by the morning sun. You might remember new flavours, or a view that defies all expectations. These are the memories that stay with you, long after the moments have passed. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody all right. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest this evening is a former threeterm congressman from texas whos currently running for president of the United States. Please welcome beto orourke be thankful for another day and hopeful for tomorrow tomorrow stephen welcome back to the show. Thank you for having me back. Stephen nice to see you again. The last time you were here you were running for senate in texas, if people dont remember, against ted cruz. And you did not win that one. You did not win that one. What made you go, okay, didnt get senate. Lets go for the brass ring here . And go for president of the United States. Very exciting campaign. Right. Stephen but you did not win that one. Does this one seem easier to you . laughter definitely not. You know, in texas, we got to be something or be part of something just extraordinarily special. A state that had been 50th in voter turnout. So it wasnt a red state. It was a nonvoting state. Turned out at record levels. Young voter turnout and early voting was up 500 . We won more votes than any democrat has in the history of the state of texas. Stephen it was very close, 2. 6 which in texas applause we didnt win our race, but we helped others win their races. Fletcher, democrats replacing republicans, helping to flip the house of representatives. 17 African American women. applause 17 African American women elected to judicial positions in harris county, literally changing the face of criminal justice in that community. applause and what i think i took from that is that we got to be part of a movement. And in a movement of people who were brought in to our democracy, a democracy that has been badly broken, captured, corrupted by special interests and corporations. This grassroots, peoplepowered campaign, didnt take a dime from a single pac, represents the kind of movement that it will take to defeat donald trump in 2020, and then bring this country together again in 2020. applause so that was that was what i took from it. Stephen now, there have been some polls, which im sure youve seen, there are some polls im sure youve seen, that 60 of Texas Democrats want you to run against senator cornyn, because hes not particularly popular in texas right now. And you have a chance of beating him. Why not go for that . You already know how to run for senate. Why go why gear up this other thing instead of, you know, taking the next chop at cornyn . I just think given where we