Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20180213

Tonight, trumps days of fury. Plus, stephen welcomes Neil Degrasse tyson. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody how are you . Welcome, mark. Hey good to see you. That was good. Chris, fantastic. People love when bad things happen to dogs. They love it audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen. Stephen hey, come on no, you audience Stephen Stephen stephen thats nice. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Please have a seat, everybody. Thats very nice. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause listen to that, listen to that. That is a friday crowd right there jon its friday, oh, oh, stephen these people have come through storms. Jon they come through a lot. Stephen they have come through giving up on going to the gym after new years. cheers and applause jon yup, yup, aint going. Aint going. Stephen anyway, t. G. I. F. , in ways i have never meant before, because i wasnt sure wed make it to the end of the week, given how the of week started with the thermonuclear tweet threats. All week long trump used his twitter feed to just lash out in every direction. So, whats up with grandpa cranky pants . laughter apparently, its because trumps infuriated that his legal team has been offering shifting timelines about when the russia investigation would end. Ah, so frustrating. I get that. Its like the cable company. They say youre going to get indicted between noon and 3 00, and youre waiting around until 5 00 p. M. Like, when are they going to perpwalk me already . Just do it applause jon just like the cable company, just like them. Stephen heres the deal. His legal team he has a whole bunch of lawyers his legal team told him that muellers investigation would be over by the end of 2017. Sir, im just as disappointed as you are, but for a slightly different reason. laughter and we, all of us out here, us sane people watching this, knew that what they were saying was just spin, but trump believed it, just like he believes the selective good news they put in front of him. Now hes angry and nervous and hes got that shiny button on his desk telling him he can make all of his problems go away. Luckily, our inhouse news network, real news tonight, is ready to reassure our troubled leader. Welcome to real news tonight. Im jim anchorton. And im jill newslady. Our top story the Robert Mueller investigation is going to be fair. And its over. Well, soon. When . Practically now. Maybe in three more sleeps. I love sleep. Theres no f. B. I. There. And donald trump can rest easy because Robert Muellers investigation is basically done. Yeah, hes free to go back to being our big, strong president. You know, jim, i wish i was a cheeseburger so he would desire me. Mmm, give him that beef. Up next a rare, real news tonight correction it turns out steve bannon is not good. Hes bad. Very bad. We regret the error. Stephen thank you for your service, guys. Solid. cheers and applause the only ones i believe. They are only ones i believe at this point. cheers and applause you guys remember last summer when we had the brief and glorious reign of former White House Communications director and guy who knows a guy who can take care of your wife problem, anthony scaramucci. Well, the mooch served the white house for just 11 days, but hell be remembered forever, mostly for saying that steve bannon could drain his own swamp. Listen, we might be seeing a lot of the mooch, because hes reportedly bragging of a possible return to the white house. Oh, please oh, please come back. But it may not happen because rumor has it that last year, when the mooch was on his front stabbing world tour, the president earnestly asked people in the white house, is he on drugs . laughter i have a followup question did he bring enough for the whole country . laughter because i could use a Little Something to take the edge off for the next three years. And there were some big changes in the u. S. Senate this week. Two new democratic senators, including doug jones, were sworn in by antigay warrior mike pence. Check on the expression of senator jones son, who happens to be gay. Oh, oh, yes. cheers and applause i dont think pence is going to need sunscreen for a while because hes getting a whole lot of shade. laughter jimmy, can i see that again . That look could not be more searing laughter i stand corrected. cheers and applause there was also there was also a major announcement from utah senator and ventriloquist dummy plotting against his master, orrin hatch. After much prayer and discussion with family and friends, ive decided to retire at the end of this term. Stephen well, thats positive. cheers and applause thats positive, yeah. Now the reason the reason that this is news is that donald trump was trying to get hatch to run for reelection. Hes only 83. Thats the prime of your 80s. Jon right, yeah. Stephen trump is terrified that hatch will now be replaced by former g. O. P. Nominee and man daydreaming about toast, mitt romney. Thats right, romneys back, baby and i couldnt be happier. Sure, back in 2012, i made a lot of jokes about him, but thats because romney seemed square and boring. But now he seems square and boring cheers and applause heres how we know that mitt is serious about running, because right after hatch announced his retirement plans, romney changed his location on twitter from massachusetts to holladay, utah. Oh, come on, mitt. At least wait until senator hatchs body is cold. All right, were there. laughter now, my first guest tonight is Neil Degrasse tyson. You guys like neil tyson . cheers and applause incredible. My favorite guest. Hell be out here. Hell be out here in just a little while. cheers and applause maybe two, three acts or something. Incredible. Which is great. I always love having him out here because theres a lot of space news out there. For one, a Japanese Company is planning to put a billboard on the moon. Now, you wont be able to see the billboard from earth. The Company Wants to use it for moonsurface photo ops, and hopes to attract corporations looking to show off their logos with earth in the background. Now, im not sure if they know this, but you know where else you can get photos with earth in the background . Earth. laughter its kind of hard to avoid. But this is a huge milestone humanitys first ad in space. Ever since our ancestors first raised their eyes to the firmament, they dreamed of traveling to the stars and declaring to the cosmos, charmin, enjoy the go. laughter i just have if there are bears who poop in space. I dont know. I just have one problem with this Japanese Companys plan it should be americas plan. Unfortunately, we actually have a law banning obtrusive space advertising. Thats too bad. We all remember the historic moment when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon. Thats one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. That can save you 15 or more on your car insurance. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Neil Degrasse tyson right over there. Stick around. Neil new year, new phones for the family. Join tmobile, and when you buy one of the latest samsung phones get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. Plus, unlimited family plans come with netflix included. What does life look like during your period . Its up to you, with tampax pearl. You get ultimate protection on your heaviest days and smooth removal for your lightest. Tampax pearl and pearl active. For upto 100 leakfree work outs. Befoto treat her frequent 24hr heartburn. Claire could only imagine enjoying chocolate cake. Now, she can have her cake and eat it too. Nexium 24hr stops acid before it starts for allday, allnight protection. Can you imagine 24 hours without heartburn . Take off for mexico with expedia. One click gives you access to discounts on thousands of hotels, cars and things to do. Like the occidental at the xcaret destination for 32 off. Everything you need to go. Expedia. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen my first guest tonight is the beloved astrophysicist, author, and director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of natural history. Please welcome, my friend, Neil Degrasse tyson cheers and applause good to see you. cheers and applause stephen neil. Beautiful i love the stars. Stephen just for you, my friend, just for you. Love what youve done with the place. Stephen thank you very much. Thank you. Stephen now, on the old gig over on the other network, you were the guest i had more than any other guest. Really . Stephen yeah you know, you know that could it be that i live nearby, so i was a cheap date . Stephen could it be we moved the studio some place close tou, neil . I just found out youre also youre holding a vast lead on anybody else on this show. Youve been on nine times. Nine times cheers and applause number two. Do you know who number two is . No. Stephen john oliver. Is that right . Stephen at six. Oh, okay, okay. Stephen but thank you very much. But the universe is vaster than anything else in the universe. laughter stephen what . What does that mean . Dont preblow my mind. Dont preblow my mind before im ready for it. We have a lot of interview here. Theres a lot in the universe to talk about, relative to anything else in the universe. Stephen first of all, happy new year. Thank you, happy new year to you. Stephen now, does the new year have any particular astronomical significance . No. Stephen why not . Not, not stephen weve gone around the sun right, weve gone around the sun once. But the place where we return to, theres nothing special or interesting about it. Its a completely arbitrary spot on the calendar that we have chosen to celebrate the new year. Plus its i think its a little weird that we all celebrate that instant that the ball drops, and then one hour later, they celebrate exactly the same thing, and then an hour later, an hour later they do that 24 times around the world. Stephen i know how clocks work, neil. laughter the world is not celebrating the same moment. Its kind of its odd to me as an astrophysicist. But thats fine. Its culture and thats how we do it. Stephen could you be more Neil Degrasse tyson right now . So you live you live to suck the joy out of other peoples traditions. No, no. Stephen what do you love . What is worth celebrating . If its not new years almost every other holiday in the year has some astronomical basis. The chinese new year, the jewish new year, ramadan, easter, lent stephen toyotathon. laughter all of it all of it. Theres something saturnalia. Christmas stephen what does saturnalia have . Saturnalia, its back in the winter where the sun is getting lower and lower in the sky each day and worry that maybe it will never come back. Stephen is saturn getting higher in the sky . No, but saturn is the god you pray to and celebrate. Saturnalia is where everything flips, the master serves the slaves, the slave gives commands. Its an interesting roman tradition that is long gone. Stephen all right. But im just saying its in that time of the year where the sun is basically reborn, so its solstice celebrations. And christmas was put there to be a good place to sort of bring in all the pagan worshipers, who were already celebrating that time of year. Stephen and it worked. It worked, oh, yeah. Stephen we won. Now laughter so, 2018, whats got you excited for 2018 . laughter we won. What are you talking about . We won. Whats got you excited wait, just to be clear. Stephen okay. You not only won there. Stephen yeah. You won the calendar race, too. Stephen huh . The worlds calendar is the gregorian calendar after pope gregory put that into place in 1582. The previous julian calendar was messing up in the year. Stephen it was off by like by ten days and the pope said, weve got to fix this. Stephen the pope fixed it . Well, pope jesuit scientists, jesuit priests were the academic order of the catholic youre catholic you should be teaching this, okay . laughter stephen im aware of my religion. laughter okay so theres a vatican observatory to this day that at the time, before telescopes were invented, these jesuit priests were put into the service of figuring out why the calendar was shifting in the year. Stephen am i correct in saying that it was a Catholic Priest who first proposed the idea of the big bang . Yes, george lematre, yes, the big bang itself, using einsteins equations. Einstein could have done it, but he did enough. Stephen he was busy. Laid down the equations. Other people calculated with his equations and he deduces the history of the universe must have started with the big bang. Stephen wow. Okay. So, going to 2018 so catholics have been in there in multiple stephen you dont have to tell me. laughter okay. Stephen im team r. C. Now team Roman Catholic . Stephen yes, okay. applause now youre youre walking footnote, Neil Degrasse tyson. laughter i didnt think you brought people with you on that comment. So i was just helping it out. Stephen you were with me. cheers and applause okay. No, no, thats not how you ask it. Who was not with him . applause see . There you go. Stephen i feel betrayed. laughter all right. So, 2018, let me get to the second question of the interview. In 2018, what mystery are you most interested in science cracking . Or what do you think we are likely to learn this year that were close to figuring out . In my field, the good thing about it is, generally we make discoveries when a mission is launched. Okay, sure. Stephen so we so we know when to begin to expect discoveries. Stephen whats the big mission that is reaching its fruition . The mission now is to try to understand dark matter and dark energy more than we currently do. Stephen okay. We know its there, but its a complete mystery. We dont understand the origin of 85 of all the gravity of the universe. Its not black holes, comets, stars, planets its none of the above. Stephen so the math says there should be more there, but we cant see it . Right, so its actually missing gravity rather than missing mass im sorry, its gravity with no known source. Stephen which is what i said. Which is what i said a moment ago. I like to think of it as dark gravity. Stephen dark gravity . Its really dark gravity. Stephen wow. Is really what it is. Then then theres some mysterious pressure in the vacuum of space. Stephen what do you mean . Which we call dark energy. But we should just call it fred and wilma i joke about this. Because we dont know what they are. Stephen so, wait dont give it a name that makes people think we know what it is, because we dont actually know what it is. But it is there, weve measured it. Its a mysterious pressure in the vacuum of space forcing the universe to accelerate in its expansion. And ive written about this because i lose sleep over this fact laughter can i share this . I dont want to be blamed stephen i doubt i could stop you. laughter . I dont want to be blamed if you cannot get to sleep tonight. Stephen do it. Ill be okay. Okay, so, this dark energy in the future will render the universe so large, having accelerated so significantly, that all the galaxies of the night sky will have accelerated beyond our horizon. Stephen what . All the galaxies are the source of our knowledge of cosmology, of the big bang. Everything we know about the history of the universe comes to us from these galaxies. If they accelerate beyond our horizon, the next generation of cosmic explorers will only have the stars of the milky way to think about. And i so, theres an there would have been an entire chapter of the universe ripped from their view. And they will be trying to contemplate an understanding of the universe without a significant part of what its past was. And so i lose sleep wondering, today, was there some previous chapter ripped from the universe itself . And here we are laughter and here we are, you know, touching the elephant, not knowing that in fact theres an elephant standing there. Or maybe theres the shadow of the elephant, and the elephant has been moved. We dont know what we dont know. And this leaves me awake at night. I lose sleep over that. Stephen i am not going to get a wink. cheers and applause thats crazy. Hold on. Weve got to take a break. Well be right back with more Neil Degrasse tyson, everybody. cheers and applause theres Nothing Better than sharing a smile. Get a lays smile bag today and well make a donation to operation smile. To everyone else, ieveryone else. But on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. Fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. Fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. Lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. Im glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. For some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. And improves function. Lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. Tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. Common side effects dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. Dont drink alcohol while taking lyrica. Dont drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. Those whove had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. With less pain, i can do more with my family talk to your doctor today. See if lyrica can help. Ive always wanted to share a special moment with my mom. I think surprising her with a night ski trip would just be the biggest gift i could give her. Lets make that happen. Shes gonna be so excited. Take me where i want to be. Let me dream, oh, let me dream. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with our friend Neil Degrasse tyson. Lets talk about something smaller in a way, but in sort of mentally, another thing that will keep you up at night and kind of make your brain explode is you know, im scared when you pull stuff out. Stephen like this . You know what this is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen okay. So recently, into our solar system, above the whats it called, the plane of the ecliptic . Sure. Stephen okay. Where the planets go around from above or below, or whatever, off the axis of where the planets go around. The planets all do this around the sun. Stephen this came from deep space. Not in our system, not from the oort cloud or the kuiper belt. First time ever an object from interstellar space has been observed to visit our solar system. Stephen now, this things got to be like a ship, right . That looks too much like a spaceship. This is not a photograph. Stephen what . This is an artists rendering. We know its elongated i dont believe laughter just stephen you dont get to take what about that one right there . You hold it whatever you got people. You got people stephen i got people. Okay, but it looked like that. No. Stephen it was elongated. Cigars dont come journeying into solar systems. Stephen which is why it has to be an alien spaceship. This is a cohesive cigar. So, so laughter stephen yeah . Asteroids we know, many of them, if not most of them are loosely held together rubble piles, and if they come near gravitational sources, tidal forces can stretch them so they become a stream of particles rather than just one solid mass. Stephen this is not solid . It is likely not solid. Stephen what is it . But the signal we get from it is elongated, but its probably a rubble pile stretched into that shape. Because you dont get that by nature. You dont get that. Stephen yeah, thats why its manmade. Alien made. Stephen alien made. You want that to be aliens. Just fess up you want that to be aliens. Stephen, of course, i want that to be aliens okay, so stephen thats the whole point of this question that ive never finished. laughter heres the problem heres the problem, this thing came in moving fast. Stephen yeah. It has escape velocity, a hyperbolic orbit, hyperbolic trajectory, we say hyper. Hyper is its got more energy. Stephen than anabolic. Its parabolic, for example. Stephen sure. So, so, the reason why its probably not aliens is its trajectory around the sun was completely determined by Gravitational Forces. Stephen how do you know . Because we know we calculate this. There are laws of gravity, laws of physics. Stephen look, see this, see that . That trajectory was completely controlled by Gravitational Forces after it reached its peak up here and came back down, and yet a thinking creature started the process, okay . It doesnt mean if this came in and you go, oh, gravity did that. But somebody made it go to here. Checkmate cheers and applause parabolic parabollic audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen cheers and applause that, my friend, is called a taste of your own medicine. laughter so, all im saying is if its only moving by the force of gravity, then its not we presume it doesnt have, like, rockets and things. If this were aliens stephen yeah. In some kind of advanced ship it would be maneuvering, doing interesting thing. Stephen maybe it maneuvered on its way in, a pass around the sun, the way they use satellites to go around the back of a planet to whip them around outer space. Its called the slingshot effect. Stephen you dont have to tell me. laughter so, okay. Maybe the aliens shut off their engines to masquerade as a cosmic object to get a slingshot effect around our star. Stephen maybe we cant perceive what their engines are and they have a mode it could be i can just tell you theyre off. laughter whatever they are, theyre off, because its because a tennis ball would have that trajectory moving at that speed. Thats all. Stephen is there any chance . Not stephen that thats a tennis ball . No. laughter no, and by the way, big news was that the pentagon, was tracking ufos. Stephen right, we saw the footage. They released the footage from like, f18 Fighter Pilots on their little scope, tablet shaped thing, accelerating, stopping, changing direction, things they cant explain. That has a way better chance of being aliens than this thing. Because those objects were doing things that were not gravitational. Stephen do you think theyve got something there . I think we dont know what it is. Hence the u in u. F. O. Stephen im with you. Im on board. Are you going to say are you going to say this is a u. F. O. , i dont know what it is, therefore, its intelligent aliens from outer space. You just said you dont know what it is. You cant then be certain of anything. Stephen im not certain, im hoping. Im hoping, too. I want to meet the aliens. By the way, if you ever meet the aliens, they take you on board, first, take some photos, okay, first. Second, when they do the sex experiments on you, okay laughter heres what you do laughter thats what they do. We all know that. Stephen dont you have to check a box to, like, opt in to that . Sure, sure. Heres what you do, heres what you do tell the alien say, oh, look over there, and quickly snatch something off the shelf leak an ash tray or something and put it in your pocket and lay back down on the slab. Then when they let go of you, you have got something of alien manufacture. Stephen wow. So in this scenario, the aliens smoke . Yes. Stephen if i see them, i will give them this, which is your book Neil Degrasse tyson, astrophysics for people in a hurry. A New York Times best seller for 34 weeks. Crazy, crazy. I dont cheers and applause stephen extraordinary. Im delighted that appetite is out there. Maybe it opens doors for many more science books to appear there. Stephen do you have a favorite thing . Oh may i . Stephen its your book, man. Its your book. Oh, may i . Stephen sure. So reflections on the cosmic perspective. So, the words im about to read are not mine. Theyre by james ferguson, a physicist from the 1700s. If i may. Stephen you may. laughter stephen okay. If i may. Stephen ill get you a glass of mead. laughter james ferguson, 1757. Of all the sciences cultivated by mankind, astronomy is acknowledged to be, and undoubtedly is, the most sublime, the most interesting, and the most useful, for by knowledge derived from this science, not only the bulk of the earth is discovered, but our very faculties are enlarged with the grandeur of the ideas it conveys. Our minds exalted above their low, contracted prejudices. cheers and applause stephen 34 weeks. I cant wait to see you for ten. Lets make it an even two digits. Okay. Stephen astrophysics for people in a hurry is available now, and star talk is on natgeo, sundays. Neil degrasse tyson, everybody. Well be right back. Stick around. Well be right back. Stick around. The weekend thing. Over that back from the dead or robotcowboy thing. Or maybe its watching satisfyinglysatisfying things. Organic avocado on everything thing. Doing it yourself or tagging a friend thing. More checkingin or checking out things. Like faaaaaaaaaar out of this world things. Far out. More revolutions in the making thing. That play like a girl thing. Is it a 4 your eyez only, thing. More of a no role modelz thing. That tripledouble thing. Is he the g. O. A. T. . Thing. No, not that goat thing. No no no no no no no more saving the world from the darkness thing. That selfie game strong thing. That fourlegged friends thing. Oo la la at t gives you more for your thing. More entertainment, internet, and unlimited plans. More for your thing. Yeah, thats our thing. Does your moisturizing romine does. An mvp . Aveeno® skin relief. With oat oil and natural shea butter, it softens very dry skin and lasts for 24 hours. Aveeno®. Its a game changer. Baby, why dont you just maremeet me in the middle in the middle so pull me closer why dont you pull me close why dont you come on over i cant just let you go oh baby im losing my mind just a little so why dont you just meet me in the middle middle we cantwhy . Y here flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Hwhat . You know thatsur not your line, right . Did you know that h r block will file your 1040ez for free . Uhh, yeah. The line is. My job is done here. Thank you. Pro tax prep for free. Get your taxes won. Ytwo pancakes. Two strips ofr bacon. Two eggs. If you ask me, thats a pretty good deal. But you didnt ask me. You know what . Ill mind my own business. Dennys 4 dollar everyday value slam. Available at dennys. Com. Stephen welcome back, everybody. You know its no secret, i love talking space with tonights guest, Neil Degrasse tyson. In fact, ive always wanted to go up in space, particularly now. Thats why i went down to cape canaveral, florida, to the headquarters of nasa, to fulfill my dream of becoming an astronaut. Luckily, we brought cameras to fulfill my dream of providing content for this show. Please enjoy tonights late show classic. Jim. Recently the good people of nasa invited me to the Kennedy Space center, where american heroes continue to shoot for the stars. One of those heroes is commander Chris Ferguson and liftoff. Stephen who piloted the final mission of nasas iconic shuttle program. America will continue the dream. Stephen today, chris is the director of crew and Mission Operations for boeing, so i asked to meet him to see if i had the right stuff to make it to space. laughter this is the centaur second stage stephen we started with a technical review of the starliner system. How will the starliner work . Uh. laughter its a rocket. Stephen its a rocket, okay. Hold on, let me get that down. laughter a rocket. So the starliner, its were going to ride on an atlas 5 booster. Stephen which one of these which one of these are we talking about here . Theyre actually both models of the atlas 5. One is just a little bit shorter than the other. Stephen theres a short one and a long one . Its actually just one model. Stephen thats two models over there. Thats two models but theyre just two different sizes of the same rocket. Stephen okay, so it comes in two sizes. laughter it does not come in two sizes. Stephen why are there two models . I dont know why there are two models. laughter stephen okay. This is by far the most phallic rocket ever sent into space. Am i correct in saying that . Thats probably an opinion. Stephen im not sure we can show that on camera. This is a family show. Thank you. And what shape rocket will female astronauts be going up in, a georgia okeefe painting . The same rockets the male astronauts go in. And there are two strapon boosters. Stephen do you guys always use two strapons . For this particular mission we do, yes. Stephen okay. But you can put up to five. Stephen you can use five strapons at once . Yes. Stephen wow, you really are back, is what im saying. With the technicalities behind us, it was time for me to try on boeings highly anticipated new space suit. Unlike the bulky suits of yesteryear, praised for its light weight, flexible design, it is the next generation of space suit. What do you think . laughter youre not going to use that suit. Stephen why not . Look how practical it is. applause turns out i had the wrong suit. This was the suit. This feels right. You look good. Stephen tell me about the gloves. So the gloves are they have a capacitive touch so you can operate a touchscreen. Stephen i can use an iphone with this . You can use an iphone. Stephen which is great because on reentry im going to want to check my instagram. Very important. Stephen thats actually working. Look at that. Okay, lets get a selfie. laughter applause stephen now, chris, i notice theres a hole right here. Is this where we hook up the gravy tube . That is where your air hose will connect to, yes. Stephen okay, great, lets do it. Oh, yeah, there you have it. Right. Stephen i cant help but notice and i want to put this delicately that when you attach the tube it gives you an enormous ass. Is there a reason for that . This is sweet. Look at that. I look like space nicki minaj. laughter is it just to make it as unflattering as possible . I dont think they were trying to make you look bad, its just when you sit down, your butt takes a lot more material, so when you stand up, its sort of unflattering. Stephen if you think im fat, just say so. You look fine. Stephen just say youre a little heavy and could lose a few pounds. You could lose a couple of pounds. Stephen all right, forget it. Next it was on to the starliner capsule itself where i would be strapped down for an intensive interview. What type of technical degree did you receive that may help on missions to the International Space station. Stephen i have a theater degree. I can act like i have technical skills. Watch this. Lets get the du1 on the donor. Im siptid, we are burning daylight. Lets light this candle. We are detoxing. Im stirring the oxygen. I just broke a switch. Im so sorry. Do you have any glue . What is the rcs1 . I just snapped that puppy off. We need rcs1 to get home from space. Stephen what is it . Seriously . Reaction control jet number one. Stephen how am i doing . How am i scoring so far . Im afraid breaking that switch is not going to reflect well upon you. Stephen im a lot stronger than i thought. Do you guys actually say, light this candle . We never say, light this candle. Stephen never light this candle . Never light this candle. So, if i said, lets light this candle, no one would know what i mean . I would know exactly what you mean, but the cooler astronauts just dont say that. Stephen whats the cool thing to say . Were ready to fly. Stephen all right, thats cool. You ready to fly . Stephen oh, lets light this candle. laughter okay. Youre not doing exceedingly well here. Stephen all right. Flying with a crew and living on the International Space station with other astronauts requires someone to be very flexible and get along with others. Stephen oh, yeah. Do you have any experience in this area . Stephen im flexible in terms of my needs. Is that important . Yes. Stephen okay, good. I just have a couple of things. I made a small list of things i need while im in orbit. I cant go anywhere without a lavenderscented candle. And i also have a Service Animal for anxiety. Seriously . Stephen yeah. Its a possum. laughter i bought it a little vest. And legally you have to let me take it because its a service possum. Im not sure if a possum is in the mix, stephen. Stephen again, its not a possum. Its a service possum. laughter i can just put no here. Stephen how am i doing . Did i pass . Stephen whoo aint no stopping us now were going it space i had taken every test with flying colors and i couldnt wait to hear my crucial role would be in americas triumphant return to space. 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The ball did not drop so much as shrivel up and rise back into 2017. laughter it just come on down come on down since taking office i have been very strict on commercial aviation. Good news it was just reported that there were zero deaths in 2017, the best and safest year on record. Trump took credit for no one dying in a plane crash this year. laughter that explains his new campaign slogan, trump 2020 you got to tulsa, didnt ya . You know, like, he does things and i recognize the things while hes doing it. Stephen what do you mean . Recognize what . Recently he was saying Something Like i got a bigger you know, i got a bigger stephen button. Yeah, nuclear button. Like thats stuff you do in neighborhood. laughter like, if you know somebody got a problem you, you go, you want a problem . No problem. And hes doing thats like hes bluffing. Like you bluff. Thats how you bluff. But you dont bluff with the entire world laughter what the bleep . You dont do that. cheers and applause in an effort to show theyre not antimuslim, the administration added through three new countries to travel ban 3. 0. They added north korea, which i didnt know they were coming, but now they really cant come. And then they added chad which i thought was some guy . laughter yeah, i i heard it, i was like, what did chad do . We are here now in denver, colorado. Good evening to you guys, anderson and andy. We have the Party Started here. Theres a little bit of a purple haze. Oh, my god, randys dose is kicking in. This is for andy. Andy, this is for you. Stephen andy andy this is for you. Come on, it will get you so high youll think you can pass a joint through a tv camera. laughter that guy wanted to know in a fight with legolas or aragorn. Are those dragons . laughter stephen okay. Okay yes, they are. Youre a guest, so im going to say yes, they are. Have you seen lord of the rings . Ive seen game of thrones. Stephen okay. laughter bannon unloaded on don jr. For his Infamous Trump tower meeting with russians saying so he thinks manafort, don jr. , and kushner did something treasonous, unpatriotic and bad bleep . Coincidentally, those are also their secret service code names. laughter trump fired back hard now all he has to do is lose his dog, and hes going to have an awesome country song. Still cheers and applause thank you very much. Ive never been in a fight before. My entire life i havent got in any fights. Im undefeated. laughter i came very close to getting in a fight recently. I was at a bar. It was very busy. And this guy walked right into me, stepped on my sneakers. So, naturally, my reflexes kicked in. I apologized. laughter i said, sorry. He must not have heard what i said, because next thing he did, he pushed me, rips off the shirt he had on, and he goes, what . You think youre hard . I was like, now i am. laughter applause i didnt expect this to happen. laughter laughter stephen im hoping to be nominated in all categories, including laughter laughter laughter cheers and applause stephen well be right back. Stephen good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show cheers and applause band playing reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from kansas city,