Hill of human skulls. So lay off administrator scott pruitt. He knows of what he speefntle as scott said, why should the government pick winners and losers . Those are picked in thunder dome announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight a warning from only rosa. Stephen teefn welcomes joel mchale, yara shahidi and joywave live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen thank you very much thanks, everybody up there, down here, all around the world welcome to the late show, ladies and gentlemen. Im your shows Stephen Colbert. Under donald trump, terrifying news comes from the darnedest places. The latest is from tonights new episode of Celebrity Big Brother only cbs. But i dont have tell you, because you all watched. Weve talked about this. Okay. Im going to check one day. You will be embarrassed. One of the celebrity roommates on this seasons Celebrity Big Brother is former white house advisor and woman with some notes for the guy making her salad, omarosa manigaultnewman. She was dishing about her white house job with her roommate ross mathews, and it didnt sound like a happy experience. I was haunted by tweets every. Single. Day. Like, what is he going to tweet next . Stephen oh, really, you were haunted . Out here, its been the trumpityville horror. laughter also, pro tip when youre on a reality show. Whispering doesnt really work. Trump can hear you laughter but the most upsetting part was this exchange about the state of the nation should we be worried . Dont say that, because we are worried, but i need you to say its going to be okay no, its going to not be okay, its not. Stephen yeah. laughter yeah. I believe you. laughter i had an inkling things werent going to be okay when trump hired omarosa to work in the white house. laughter that is some depressing stuff for advertisers to follow. No, were not going to be okay. big brother sponsored by new Fruitburst Xanax its like novocaine for your brain. Yum and numb. laughter oh, the dow dropped over 1,000 dow points again today. Thats the second time this week. No one saw that one coming. Other than omarosa. laughter i could go for some of that Fruitburst Xanax. And so could the folks at the white house, because theres another huge scandal, and its not a fun one where the president gets spanked by a porn star. laughter we were so innocent then. laughter this ones ugly. It involves white house staff secretary and guy demanding papers, please, in an Indiana Jones movie, rob porter. Porter resigned yesterday after evidence surfaced that he physically abused his two exwives. These are horrible, sickening revelations, so the white house had no choice but to defend him. laughter Like White House chief of staff and man who has had it with your shenanigans, general john kelly, who said, rob porter is a man of true integrity and honor, and i cant say enough good things about him. You actually just said too many good things about him. And kellys not the only one who feels that way, because even after pictures of porters first wife with a black eye were released, senior officials were still trying to convince porter to, stay and fight. Im going to say thats a poor choice of words. And of president s. So why would they want him to stay and fight . Well, funny thing, it turns out senior trump aides knew for months about these allegations. Wait a second, they knew about this and they didnt fire him . Trump fires everyone. Spicer, youre fired. Priebus, youre gone. Bannon, banned. Omarosa, hit the roada. Domestic abuser. I like you. Stick around. laughter i like the cut of your jib. Come here. cheers and applause piano riff yeah. Always so refreshing when trump fans are here. laughter you know who trump ought to fire next . Every person who knew about this. And im guessing its everybody because the guy didnt exactly hide his temper. After the story broke, one white house journalist said, porter audibly growled at me. I stared him down. He exhaled loudly and walked into sarahs office. Hey, when youre trying to convince people youre not a violent predator, maybe dont make animal noises. laughter look, look, theres nothing to this story, im totally normal and chill growls laughter once again, more fake growls laughter is the Trump Administration so desperate for people who are even mildly competent that theyre willing to overlook anything . It says on your resume that youre a methdealing cannibal humantrafficker who runs a cockfighting ring. And proficient in excel. Welcome aboard laughter thats good. To you drive a stick . cheers and applause earlier today, Deputy White House press secretary, raj shah, addressed the white houses defense of porter. I think its fair to say we all couldve done better over the last few hours, or the last few days, in dealing with the situation. Stephen i think thats fair to say. Its also fair to say that the captain of the hindenburg should have considered a no smoking sign. Luckily, at this job, i can distract myself from news like this by interviewing some of the most famous people in the world. Just fascinating people. And one of my alltime favorite interviews was with Legendary Music producer and only man able to pull off the sexy librarian look, quincy jones. Well, q, as i am uncomfortable calling him, may have just given a pair of the greatest showbusiness interviews of all time. Have you seen them . Jon yes. Stephen you know where im act to go with this. Jon yes. Stephen okay. I cant get into everything he said, but lets start with something small. He knows who killed j. F. K. laughter jones says it was chicago mobster sam giancana. The connection was there between sinatra and the mafia and kennedy. Adding, we shouldnt talk about this publicly. laughter too late. You know how not talking about something works, right . Step one dont talk about it. Repeat as necessary. But strangely, who killed the president was one of the less explosive details. For instance, when asked about michael jackson, q said, i hate to get into this publicly, but michael stole a lot of stuff. He stole a lot of songs. Wow. This really tarnishes Michael Jacksons reputation. I mean, thats just about the worst rumor ive ever heard about him. He also dishes on Michael Jacksons rivalry with prince, did you hear about this . Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen this is alarming. Jon i know. Stephen he said this, claiming that after jackson had upstaged him at a james brown concert, the purple one waited in the limousine to try and run over him and la toya and his mother. laughter wow. Now we know why prince changed his name to a symbol, the cops were after him. laughter and thats still not the bombshell. Jones also spilled the tea on his relationship with our president. I used to hang out with him. Hes a crazy mother bleep . Limited mentally. A megalomaniac, narcissistic. I cant stand him. I used to date ivanka, you know. laughter cheers and applause piano riff wait, what . What . Jon hey, he told me a while ago, too. He did, he did, he did. Stephen limited mentally, a megalomaniac, narcissistic. Checks out. He definitely knew the cat. But he dated ivanka . Hes 49 years older than she is an old man shouldnt want to date someone that young. If ivanka wasnt my daughter perhaps id be dating her. Stephen i stand corrected. My apologies. I did not know. Jon oh stephen i did not know that was appropriate. But thats still not the headline coming out of these interviews. This is. Quincy jones claimed that Marlon Brando had sex with Richard Pryor and marvin gaye. The only thing i can say to that is singing whats goin on . Whats goin on . cheers and applause thank you very much. Jones says that Marlon Brando also slept with author james baldwin, adding that brando would, bleep anything. Anything hed bleep a mailbox. laughter sounds extreme. But he did give us some clues. Hey, mailbooooooox mailboooox laughter Stephen Jones story was confirmed by Richard Pryors widow, who says her husband was always very open about his bisexuality with friends, adding, it was the 70s drugs were still good, especially quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, youd bleep a radiator and send it flowers in the morning. laughter audience reacts hey hey, im so sorry, jon. Im so sorry. A radiator. Wow. I hope the mailbox doesnt find out. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Joel mchale is here. But when we come back, early valentines day cards. Stick around cheers and applause band playing i like your. Hair. I like yours too. Can i have some . Its not cool to ask that. Thanks, captain obvious. Online dating isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Instant savings now, free nights later. Hotels. Com charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin introducing the pork from jack in the box. Two strips of pork belly, green leaf lettuce, juicy tomatoes and tangy honey aioli even youll love it, martha security get him wow, do you guys workout . Try my new pork belly blt, part of my food truck series. Introducing the prime rib from jack in the box. With strips of prime rib grilled with peppers and onions and smothered in provolone cheese and im challenging you to try it, martha its on, jack. Why are we whispering . Try my new prime rib cheesesteak, part of my food truck series. Stephen jon batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much well, folks, next week is valentines day, and its a time to show your significant other just how much you care, with candy or flowers, or, in Donald Trumps case, a romantic golf trip alone. Its named after st. Valentine, who was martyred in the third century, after he passed out cards to everyone in the roman senate except the emperor. Bad move, val. Ever since then, you have to have a card on valentines day. But even the best valentines had to start somewhere, and the people who write them dont always nail it on the first try, which is why, tonight, were taking a look at some early efforts, in our segment first drafts laughter cheers and applause stephen now, as always with first drafts, i have an audience member help me with it. Lets see if we can find somebody who celebrates vanl teens. Would you accept this rose . Thank you. Come with me. Thank you very much. cheers and applause please. Put a mic on. There you go. There you go. Thank you. Oh, you did great. Thats wonderful. Now, young lady, may i ask your name . My name is amy. Stephen amy, thank you so much for doing this. Happy valentines day. Would you care for a little champagne . cheering wonderful. Do we toast . Stephen oh, to love. To love. Stephen mmm, mmm. Ahhh here are some chocolates for you. Oh stephen thank you very much. This is my best valentines day ever. Stephen do you have any allergies or anything like that . No. Stephen good, because were not insured for that. laughter we also have a little jar of ant acids for afterwards. laughter amy, have you ever seen first drafts before . I have. Stephen so you know how this works . Give me a refresher. Stephen heres what happens. We have these cards here. We have the card that was released and sold, and we also have the first draft of that card, which well read after we read the card that was sold. Do you understand how this works . Yeah. Stephen all right. I want you to hold these and when i call for the next card, you hand it to me. Okay. Stephen are you nervous . Im good. Stephen okay. Im a little nervous. Dont be nervous. Stephen im always nervous. Its a great show. Stephen oh, youre so nice. The host is so nice. Stephen the what is . The host. cheers and applause heres the first card. Stephen . Stephen the first card says lets live in the moment. But the first draft said, please dont ask about my past or where this is going. laughter applause you looked ahead of time. I did. Stephen no peeking. You cant peek ahead. This one says, you complete me, but the first draft said, this says happy valentines day, you complete me. But the first draft says, i need one of your kidneys. applause a good sentiment. Stephen it is. Do you have mu plans for valentines day . Ill probably go out to dinner with my husband. Not necessarily on vanl teens day because we hate the crowd. Stephen so you are married. I am married. Stephen but youre not wearing a wedding ring, because when the cats away yeah, were going out after this. Stephen is your husband here . No, hes in florida. Stephen drink up. Cheers. Stephen seriously, no wedding ring . Whats the deal . I dont like rings. Theyre uncomfortable, hard to work and my finger got too fat after i had two kids. Stephen not at all thats the reality. Stephen you have beautiful hands all right, all right. cheers and applause this ones very romantic. It says, amor, amour, amore no matter how you say it, it means love. Beautiful thought. But the first draft read, if my husband calls, pretend you dont speak english. cheers and applause okay . All right. This is a fun one for the kids. It says yoda one for me. But the first draft said, cheating on me, you are. A diforce i want. laughter heres a pretty one. Our love is as vast as the ocean. But the first draft read, i wish you were that fish man from the shape of water. laughter did you see that movie . I just saw it. Stephen i have not seen it yet. Fabulous. Stephen does she get it on with the fish man . Um, yeah. Stephen yeah . And she even tells us how. Stephen really . Because fish spawn. The eggs and the man comes and just lays the seed down on there this guys got it all. Stephen hes got it all . Yeah. We dont see it, but stephen hes hung like a trout. I dont know that. Stephen its not a comple meant. I havent seen it. Looking forward to it. Can i bring the kids to it . Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. Maybe not the little little kids. My kids, yes. Stephen sure, okay. Youre fun. laughter this one says, im so glad you wiped right isnt that nice . But the first draft said, i noticed you havent deleted tinder from your phone. What gives . laughter i like this one. It says, my love, every time i see you, i fall in love all over again. My husband says that. Stephen youre a lucky woman. Although the first draft read, ive been diagnosed with face blindness. laughter cheers and applause this ones very nice right here. This one says, words cannot describe our love. But the first draft said, ill give you 130,000 not to describe our love. cheers and applause happy valentines, everyone happy valentines day stephen cheers cheers stephen well be back with joel mchale cheers and applause band playing with expedia, one click gives you access to discounts on thousands of hotels, cars and things to do. Like the papaya playa project for 49 off. Everything you need to go. Expedia. Everything you need to go. Wake up early, o. Slap on some cologne im 85 and i wanna go home just got a job as a lifeguard in savannah im 85 and i wanna go home dropping sick beats, they call me dj nana 85 and i wanna go dont get mad. Get e trade, kiddo. Dont we need that cable box to watch tv . Nope. Dont we need to run . Nope. It just explodes in a high pitched yeahhh. yeahhh try directv now for 10 a month for 3 months. No satellite needed. Atneed different food. Thats why were always adding new brands like Rachel Ray Nutrish so our wide assortment including science diet blue buffalo and pro plan just got even bigger why shop anywhere else . Petsmart for the love of pets. [ laughs ] rodney. Bowling. Classic. Can i help you . Its me. Jamie. Im not good with names. Celeste i trained you. We share a locker. Moose man yo. He gets two name your price tools. He gets two . I literally coined the phrase, we give you Coverage Options based on your budget. Thats me. Jamie yeah. Youre back from italy. [ both smooch ] ciao bella. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight from guest from community and the soup. He now stars as chevy chase in the netflix movie a futile and stupid gesture. Please welcome joel mchale cheers and applause band playing thank you for having me stephen thank you for coming cheers and applause really milking it. Thank you. Thank you brooks brothers. Stephen nice to see you again. Thanks for coming back. Thank you for having me. Its been a while. What was the problem . laughter stephen none at all. None at all. We were waiting for you to get your own tv show again to talk about. Oh, yes. I used to be on this network as of last year. Stephen right. That we want away. Stephen im sure its fine. Theyre bringing it back. You hosted the soup for forever, right . For how long . Thank you cheers and applause i hosted it i took over for steve alan in 1959. Stephen alan was on the radio. It was a radio play, i did it for 12 years. Stephen you got out of the nightly business. They dragged you back in, you have a new show on the netflix. The streaming. Stephen i hear the kids are doing the streaming. Its the streamy and its a dance. Stephen what is the show called . Its pretty creative the joel mchale with joel mchale. Stephen starring joel mchale, special guest joel mchale. Yes. Stephen if i get sick can it be joel mchale with Stephen Colbert . Yes. Stephen new york or los angeles. Omaha. We want to be in the middle. Stephen good meat out there. We want to be in los angeles. Thats where my family is and its 90 degrees warmer than it is here. Stephen thats true. Yeah, im very excited to i used to i stand in front of a green screen. Im a glorified weather man, and i stephen but what sucked you back in . The money. Stephen oh. laughter well thank you for your honesty. I really like money. Stephen you do this for the College Credit . Yeah. Stephen yo you do . Im an artist. This is a labor of love. James corden gets driven around in a fleet of rolls royces. You should talk to him because hes making a lot of money. Stephen he actually drives, everybody has to sing. laughter no, i want to do the show again because i dont know if youve heard but our president takes up he takes up a lot of space entertainmentwise and newswise. Stephen i noticed that a little bit. And i wanted to remind people that there are some really bad reality shows on television that people have stopped paying attention to. There are bachelorettes and bachelors that continue to hurl themselves at strangers on television. There are housewives in all sorts of major metropolitan areas vomi