Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2018

Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20180116

Over where the horn loving till the end of time so heres the golden moon horn heres the silver sea but mostly horn you and me repeat after me tiny bubbles horn in the wine make me happy make me horn make me feel fine tiny bubbles make me want to horn i have a feeling im gonna love you till the end of time announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert plus stephen welcomes john lithgow, senator Chuck Schumer and musical guest black eyed peas, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Hey, everybody, how are you . Please, have a seat, everybody cheers and applause very nice. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the late show. Im your shows Stephen Colbert. piano riff thank you very much, sir. Happy Martin Luther king day, everybody cheers and applause today we celebrate the civil rights icon all over the country. Fun fact, in mississippi and alabama, its also robert e. Lee day. Look, even if you like robert e. Lee, theres a lot of other mondays. Oh, was this Martin Luther king day, too . Oh we didnt know look, weve already printed the calendars, and we totally knew. laughter its also day four of bleep holegate. cheers and applause im confident to my core that will be bleeped because cbs has Higher Standards than the president. laughter trump got in hot water last week after an immigration meeting, during which he used that phrase to describe haiti and african countries, according to democratic senator dick durbin. Really . Im allowed to say dick durbin . laughter thats surprising. Trump said it on thursday, and not only did the white house not immediately deny it, trump reportedly was calling friends to brag about it. laughter hes like a toddler calling his mom to the potty. Come look at the load i dropped on the national discourse. piano riff applause yeah cheers and applause thank you, yeah. Big boy. But the next morning, after getting a poop load of criticism, trump denied it, tweeting, the language used by me at the daca meeting was tough, but this was not the language used. Hes like the racist rumplestiltskin until ye guess my racist speech, the president ye shant impeach. laughter piano riff cheers and applause then on friday, two republican senators who were in the room, tom cotton and david perdue, issued a statement saying, we do not recall the president saying these comments specifically. Thats a nondenial denial. Your honor, i dont recall which knife i used to stab the victim, specifically. The defense rests. Okay, so they couldnt remember. Then yesterday, perdue changed his tune with george stephanopoulos. Im telling you he did not use that word, george, and im telling you its a gross misrepresentation. Stephen ill give you gross, but misrepresentation . So yesterday, you cant remember whether it happened, then suddenly you have a vivid memory of it never happening. I guess it happens like how, at first, i couldnt remember if sen. Perdue had a spine, and then i had a vivid memory of him never having one. laughter cheers and applause so its a medical miracle. How he walks upright. I dont know. Jellyfish. So dick durbin says he said it, Lindsey Graham is like im not going to say he said it, but he said it, and these other senators say he didnt say it. Whats the truth, Washington Post reporter josh dawsey . People said to me over the weekend there is a semantic difference. Some people in the meeting heard the phrase bleep house instead of bleep hole. Stephen okay, he didnt say bleephole, he said, bleep house either way trump is being a complete ass house, who might cheers and applause piano riff maybe, maybe, just maybe doesnt belong in the white hole. laughter by the way, what was that phrase the reporter said he used . I cant remember. Can you, jon . Hes a House Keeping the haitians out stephen thanks for clearing that up, john. Now, all of this leads to one question is donald trump a racist . Last night, a reporter asked him that question. No. No. I am not a racist. I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed. Stephen really . The only way thats true is if the reporter works for kkkat fancy. The magazine for lovers of racist felines. laughter white m meower. laughter now, that man standing behind trump at maralago is House Majority leader and nonspeaking dad in a disney movie, kevin mccarthy. The Washington Post has a big article that details just how close mccarthy and the president have gotten so close, that trump has begun to refer to mccarthy as my kevin. My kevin . And according to doughnut rules, that means trump licked him. laughter hes mine. Hes mine now. And mccarthy has found unique ways to connect with the president. During a trip on air force one, trump and mccarthy bonded while eating starburst candies. Mccarthy noticed that trump only ate the cherry and strawberry flavors. So mccarthy later told a staffer to put together a jar of the red and pink starbursts for trump. Mccarthy put his name on the jar, which was delivered to the president. Oh, trump just likes one color more than the other. Same way he makes his immigration policy. cheers and applause raced to the punch line here comes the punch line piano riff the article is full of mccarthys attempts to shamelessly ingratiate himself to the president , mccarthyisms as theyre called. But the most disturbing detail is what mccarthy says they have in common they both like to talk a lot while watching movies. laughter i thought it was impossible to like him less. laughter i wonder if he speaks during porn. We now know he might watch it because according to a juicy report this weekend, donald trump paid a porn star 130,000 to stay silent over an alleged affair. Thats truly shocking. That donald trump paid one of his contractors. laughter applause and keep in mind i want you to keep in mind, this doesnt come from some liberal rag out there. It comes from Rupert Murdochs wall street journal. Well, it is a business story. I guess. The porn star in question is stormy daniels, which sounds a lot like a local weather guy. Stormy daniels, here with the fiveday forecast. Mr. President , pack an umbrella because monday looks like showers, the kind you got in moscow. laughter applause now, some of you might recognize stormy from her performances in such films as the witches of breastwick and good will humping. laughter good will humping its the best porn remake of a matt damon feature since we humped a zoo. laughter and downsizing. Heres what the journals reporting a month before the 2016 election, Donald Trumps lawyer arranged a 130,000 payment to stormy daniels, as part of an agreement that precluded her from publicly discussing an alleged sexual encounter with mr. Trump. So 130k will keep her from talking about it. But theres not enough money in the world that could keep her from remembering it. Back before she took the hush money, ms. Daniels was speaking to journalists from Good Morning America and slate. Com. She was going to spill the beans. She even forwarded along a draft of the original agreement. In it, the porn star is referred to as peggy peterson, and trump is referred to as david delucia. David delucia. Now we know the president s first pet and the name of the street he grew up on. laughter tyrone honey bee. Tyrone honey bee. Jon oh, wow. Stephen yeah. And there is some confirmation because at the time, ms. Daniels told a friend, all im going to say is i ended up with donald in his hotel room. Picture him chasing me around his hotel room in his tightywhities. audience reacts first of all i will not picture that. laughter you cannot make me. laughter secondly, i am now picturing it. laughter damn it. And thirdly, chasing you around in his tightywhities . Thats totally unbelievable. Trump cant run. laughter but despite her earlier statements, ms. Daniels now says, my involvement with donald trump was limited to a few public appearances and nothing more. These stories are not true, which is exactly what i would say if i had sex with donald trump. laughter and by the way, i did not. laughter these stories are not true. laughter we have a great show for you tonight. John lithgow is here so is senator Chuck Schumer cheers and applause when we return, hawaii didnt get nuked cheers and applause so our wide assortment including science diet blue buffalo and pro plan just got even bigger why shop anywhere else . Petsmart for the love of pets. Powerful skincare,s now lightasair a breakthrough moisturizer whipped for instant absorption feel a lightasair finish in a flash new olay whips ageless [click] [silence] [click] why is the screen empty . thank you espresso blonde starbucks with advils fast relief, youll ask, what pulled muscle . What headache . Nothing works faster to make pain a distant memory. Advil liquigels and advil liquigels minis. What pain . [ gasps, laughs ] you ever feel like. Cliche foil characters scheming against a top insurer for no reason . Nah. So, why dont we like flo . She has the name your price tool, and we want it. But why . Why dont we actually do any work . Why do you only own one suit . Its just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. Youre right. Thanks, bill. No, youre bill. Im tom. You know what . No one cares. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody stay right there cheers and applause stephen unbelievable. Beautiful. Welcome back, everybody. Very excited. Jon, we have the black eyed peas tonight. Jon yeah cheers and applause stephen i never thought i would have to say this, but congratulations to all 50 states for surviving the weekend. For the last several months, the country has been gripped with fear over a possible Nuclear Attack by north korea, so imagine the people of hawaii waking up on saturday morning to an alert on their phone saying Ballistic Missile threat inbound to hawaii. Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill. That has to be the worst thing to wake up to on your phone next to realizing you drunk texted your girlfriends mom to send nudes. cheers and applause kind of cool about it. Just question marks. Very cool of her. The alert that had everyone in hawaii dropping some poi in their board shorts went out because an employee at the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency accidentally selected missile alert instead of test missile alert in the dropdown menu of the alertsystem software. A dropdown menu . Well, of course this happened just look at this thing. Missile alert, test missile alert, not an unmissile alert, nonBallistic Missile not coming, and of course, dressing on the side. laughter it turns out that the only failsafe is a Second Screen asking are you sure you want to do this . Honestly, that message should pop up every time you open the internet. Are you sure you want to do this . Nothing good happens here. laughter the agency also announced that the employee in question was reassigned. No keep him in that job hes the one person who will never, ever make that mistake again. cheers and applause he knows same reason i always go to the surgeon who just got sued for leaving a sponge inside someone. Hes on his toes now. laughter worst of all, once the alert went out, it took 38 minutes to send out another alert saying false alarm. 38 minutes . Thats enough time to have end of the world sex, then await death for 35 minutes. cheers and applause so uh, you think theres a heaven or. . According to officials, the reason it took so long to correct this mistake is because the state had no automated process to get the word out that it was a false alarm. Why dont you press the button that says, this is just a drill . Go on tv . Skywriting . Its not that hard. Within minutes after the initial panic, hawaii congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard tweeted debunking the threat, marking the first time twitter was ever used to calm people down. laughter you know who was weirdly silent about it on twitter . Donald trump. And this was made for him. Its literally fake news laughter cheers and applause piano riff also, ive got to say sad laughter but he finally got around to addressing the situation yesterday. Well, that was a state thing but were going to now get involved with them. Stephen which prompted this message to be blasted around hawaii. Alert people of hawaii. Donald trump wants to get involved. Seek shelter. This is not a drill laughter cheers and applause well be right back with john lithgow. cheers and applause band playing hello, aloe. Kelp is on the way with herbal essences bio renew made with active antioxidants that work from the inside out. To help animate lifeless hair. Let life in with herbal essences bio renew. Youre more than just a bathroom disease. Youre a life of unpredictable symptoms. Crohns, youve tried to own us. But now its our turn to take control with stelara® stelara® works differently for adults with moderately to severely active crohns disease. Studies showed relief and remission, with dosing every 8 weeks. Stelara® may lower the ability of your immune system to fight infections and may increase your risk of infections and cancer. Some serious infections require hospitalization. Before treatment, get tested for tuberculosis. 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Please welcome the delightful john lithgow cheers and applause band playing Stephen Lovely to see you again great to be here. The new show stephen youve never been on this show before. You were on the old show quite a few times. Like what weve done with the place . Its beautiful. Stephen thank you very much. Really feels like a broadway theater now. Yeah, i used to be on broadway. Stephen happy Martin Luther king, jr. Day. Thank you, thank you. Stephen i learned something this afternoon that Coretta Scott king baby sat you. Isnt that sweet . Thats true. Stephen how is that possible . Where, when . She was a student at antioc college there and she baby sat for me and my siblings. I was too young to remember her but she met me in my later life and she said i was very, very well behaved. Stephen thats nice. Very nonviolent. Stephen but protesting . Ometimes. The terrible twos were not easy. Stephen now, youve got the show on broadway, but the thing i want to congratulate you for before we get to that is your fantastic turn as Winston Churchill in the crown. cheers and applause thank you. Stephen got a cigar for you here. Is that a part you ever sort of had the ambition to play . No i would never have dreamed that they would cast me as Winston Churchill. Stephen why does a British Production Company other than the fact youre a fantastic actor, a testament to your talent, they brought in an american to play a british icon, which i love because theyre always coming over here taking american parts. Thats true, and i felt a little bit vindicated by that. Stephen sure. I dont know, churchill was about this tall, and im, like, three times his height. They knew something i didnt know. This was stephen doldry and peter morgan who created the show, and i wasnt going to say no but i thought they were crazy. Stephen like i said, british actors are always coming over here and taking the parts and im always surprised, oh, youre a stealth brit. I dont know till i interview them. How did you find an ac set sufficient to play this icon . Churchill had an extraordinary strange voice. It was as much as an odd accent among englishmen as americans. Stephen so a churchill accent. It was like he had chestnuts inside his mouth or something, and he had an extraordinary speech not exactly an impediment but an idiosyncrasy, a lisp that came out of the back of his tongue instead of the front. Stephen sure, sure. It was easy, you could grab on to all those things and just put together your churchill. Stephen gary is getting praise for his fine esthour of churchill. Very well deserved. Stephen do you think your churchill could beat his in a fight . I would say i cowl probably beat him at basketball because im much, much taller. Stephen did you call him at all and say good job . We communicated with each other before and after. I congratulated him on the golden globe. Stephen did he call and say how did you play this bastard . No, he calls me 54. I played churchill in the year 1954, and he played him in 1940. So he writes yes, this is 40, how are you 54 . laughter i dont know really know gary. I met him years ago and we have mutual friends but hes a wonderful guy and i tremendously admire his acting. I thought he was wonderful as churchill. There are a lo a lot of you , richard burton, michael gambon, gary olden, im glad to be in that company. Stephen congratulations on the emmy. Well deserved. cheers and applause this im looking forward to. Youve got a new show at the American Airlines theater here, john lithgow stories by heart. Its just you on stage. Mmhmm. Stephen telling stories. Okay. How did this show come about . Well, there was an inciting incident which is actually one of the stories i tell in the story. Ill tell you, its a twoact evening and each of the two acts is sort of anchored by a great short story. One very american, one very english. What they have in common is theyre both contained in an old book of stories that my f

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