tonight winter storm grayson fast and furious. stephen welcomes curtis "50 cent" jackson, rachel brosnahan and comedian gary vider, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephe stephen colbe! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: thank you very much! hey, everybody! please, have a seat. thank you so much. good to have you here. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you all for joining me, especially you here in this theater tonight! ( cheers and applause ) you out there don't know but these people have been mating for all members of the night's watch now. they've taken the black here north of the wall. ( laughter ) there is a whopper of a storm hitting the east coast. there hasn't been such an aggressive onslaught of white since trump took office. lav l( laughter ) and there it is. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: he road in on that blue craggen and everything. and now, we are getting hit hard here in the big apple, but now the city's in that magical, like, four-minute window when the snow is still pretty and white and hasn't yet turned the color of garbage juice and rat. and it's been pretty rough, coming in from the suburbs. this morning, i had to burrow in the stomach of a tauntaun. ( laughter ) thank you for your sacrifice, crumbles. like all massive snowstorms, the weather channel has given this one a name. they're calling it winter storm grayson -- making it the first storm named after a child throwing a tantrum in line at whole foods. ( laughter ) >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: calm down, grayson, or know kale when we get home! ( laughter ) >> jon: discipline! >> stephen: and right now grayson is throwing a tantrum because extreme drops in barometric pressure have led to conditions resembling a "winter hurricane," or what meteorologists call explosive cyclogenesis. ( laughter ) which is also the name of my latest prog-rock album. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but basically a yes. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: we're a yes cover band. ( laughter ) but other people are using the even more intense term, bomb cyclone -- which is the name of the marijuana strain you should smoke while listening to explosive cyclogenesis. i can't even say it. >> jon: ha. >> stephen: this storm is causing havoc all over the country. this week, snow fell in florida! it was so cold that the state may never be the same. ( laughter ) let that sink in. let that sink in. should we have animated shriveling up? i don't know. no, why not? ( laughter ) now grayson has moved further off the east coast than expected, possibly because it didn't want to compete with the ( bleep ) storm in washington d.c., thanks to all the juicy revelations in the new book about the trump presidency, "fire and fury." not to be confused with omarosa's new book, "fired and furious." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) she's mad. not happy. yesterday, we got primo poop from former white house chief strategist and expired hamburger meat that wished to be a real boy, steve bannon. remember that meeting at trump tower between jared, manafort, don jr. and that russian lawyer? they don't. but bannon does. and he says, it was treasonous. ( audience oohing ) oh, no, i agree with steve bannon! that old gypsy was right. and remember, trump denied any knowledge of this russia meeting but bannon said, "the chance that don jr. did not walk these jumos up to his father's office of the 26 floor is zero." which is same chance that there's a word "jumo." ( laughter ) i don't know what it means. you guys ever heard of jumo? >> jon: no. >> stephen: i think it might be spanish for "maga!" >> jon: i don't know what jumo is. >> stephen: this made trump lose his... let's say, mind. he fired a vicious statement claiming bannon had "nothing to do with me or my presidency." again, that's bannon, seen here with trump in the oval office, having nothing to do with them. "that doesn't prove anything. i was just renting him space in the white house for his pop-up halloween store. he doesn't have any influence over me. other than being my chief political strategist and convincing me to support an accused child molester." for senate. ( laughter ) of course, the white house has called everything in the book a lie, but yesterday trump's lawyer sent bannon a cease and desist letter, and accused him of "violating an agreement that prevented him from disclosing confidential information." which is it? is he lying, or disclosing confidential information? "steve, you promised you'd never tell anyone about those terrible things you saw me not do." ( laughter ) remember? and bannon caught holy hell from his own supporters. in the last 24 hours, candidates he endorsed abandoned him, he lost his biggest billionaire donor, even the alt-right is turning its back on steve bannon. it's true. they're so embarrassed of him that a lot of the alt-right has started covering their faces with hoods. ( laughter ) >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: yeah, they don't want to be seen. turn out the lights, walking around with torches. they're just so embarrassed. ( piano riff ) now, remember, mitch mcconnell and bannon have been butting heads, with bannon claiming he was going to take mcconnell down. this year. well, yesterday, on his twitter feed, mcconnell proved he was having the last laugh, or at least the last creepy smile. ( laughter ) that's either pure schadenfreud, or someone's feeding a turtle. here comes the lettuce. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) of course, it's not just bannon. this book is loaded with the dish, including details of donald and melania's bedroom habits. don't change channels! it's not what you don't want to think. it turns out that the president and the first lady have separate bedrooms, the first "first couple" to do so since john and jackie kennedy. meaning donald trump has had just as much sex as j.f.k. has had in the past year. ( laughter ) but if you're concerned that the president might have a mistress, don't worry. apparently, every night, "if trump was not having his 6:30 dinner with steve bannon, he was in bed by that time with a cheeseburger." ( laughter ) i'm going to hope, eating it. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) mmm, mmm, i love you, hamburger. what's that? ( laughter ) ahhh! ( laughter ) ( audience reacts ) what?! he's just licking off the special sauce! ( audience reacts ) >> jon: oh! >> stephen: hey, get your mind out of the drive-through. now, believe it or not -- and this will shock some of you -- the guy who eats mcdonald's in bed tends to make a mess. staff were instructed to not clean up after trump, who said, "if my shirt is on the floor, it's because i want it on the floor." "don't touch my floor-shirts. there might be some leftover cheeseburger in there." ( laughter ) so how did the author of this book, journalist michael wolff, get such access? from the president himself. wolff says, "after the election, i proposed to trump that i come to the white house and report an inside story for later publication. journalistically, as a fly on the wall, i'd like to just watch and write a book. 'a book?' he responded, losing interest. 'i hear a lot of people want to write books.'" "i wrote one just the other day, maybe you've heard of it? it's called "mad libs" and it's about a bumpy clown going to a slimy wedding. pretty spooky stuff. today in the white house press briefing, everyone was eager to hear the white house response to this book, but first there was a very special episode of the huckasanders propaganda variety hour. >> we have a message from a special guest that i'd like to share with you. i'll ask you to tune in to the screens, and then i'll continue from there. >> thank you for being with us today. >> stephen: he's appearing on video even though he's 50 feet down the hallway. i have a message for the white house press corps -- the call is coming from inside the house! get out of there! ( laughter ) get out! ( cheers and applause ) i'm dizzy from the stupid. ( laughter ) and it continued with trump playing on two screens behind her. isn't it bad enough that we have to watch this guy on tv? why do we have to watch him on tv on tvs? it's dictator behavior. but if you're going to do it, at least use it to give sarah huckabee sanders' answers some context. >> the president's economic agenda of lower taxes, less regulation and more opportunity for all is already paying off, and american families and workers are the big winners. with that in mind, we have a message from a special guest that i'd like to share with you. >> these are all lies. we say lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie! >> thank you, mr. president. >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. curtis "50 cent" jackson is here, but when we come back , marijuana! stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ when you filter out the bad... you're left with...the good. in life. and in water. choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. choose the filtered life. [ laughs ] rodney. bowling. classic. can i help you? it's me. jamie. i'm not good with names. celeste! i trained you. we share a locker. -moose man! -yo. he gets two name your price tools. he gets two? i literally coined the phrase, "we give you coverage options based on your budget." -that's me. -jamie! -yeah. -you're back from italy. [ both smooch ] ciao bella. the guy who switched to sprint. guess what? they just announced that their unlimited plan now comes with hulu. i get unlimited access to hulu originals, thousands of hit shows, movies, next day tv, it's crazy! i get hulu included in my unlimited plan and streaming in hd. i can watch at home, at work, even when i'm just taking a break. that's tv that works for me. (vo) unlimited now with hulu. 4 lines for $25 per month and the 5th line free. for people with hearing loss, that's 50% off verizon, at&t, and t-mobile. visit sprintrelay.com. ...studying to be a dentist and she gave me advice. she said dad... ...go pro with crest pro-health. 4 out of 5 dentists confirm these crest pro-health products... ...help maintain a professional clean. and it's the only toothpaste with the ada seal of acceptance for protection against acid erosion. depend real fit briefs feature breathable, cotton-like fabric. in situations like this, there's no time for distractions. it's not enough to think i'm ready. i need to know i'm ready. no matter what lies ahead. get a coupon at depend.com ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human" right there! give it up for the band! ( cheers and applause ) how are you, jon? >> jon: all right. i'm good! how you doing? >> stephen: i'm doing good. it's always good if you've got something to talk about. i know we talked about it a lot but i want to take one moment to talk about this book that's been an explosive bomb in everybody's conversations in the last couple of days. i'm talking about stephen colbert's midnight confessions, all right? ( cheers and applause ) i know christmas is over but, remember, january 6 is the feast of the epiphany. that's the 12th day of christmas, when the wise men show up with the gold, the frankincense, the myrrh and the novelty book. >> jon: the book, yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: folks, we have bad news for folks who partake of the sweet, sweet green stuff. of course, i'm talking about all the money states are making off legal marijuana. because, today, their buzz was shackled by attorney general, and gnome on your blacklight poster who's going to narc on you, jeff sessions. today, sessions rescinded an obama-era policy that paved the way for legalized marijuana to flourish. my roommate in college made it flourish with a lamp in our closet. come on, jeff. you're the states' rights guy! would it help if they smoked the weed out of a rolled-up confederate flag? this new directive from sessions can mean only one thing: he still doesn't know that white people smoke pot, too. "we can't expose our delicate young ladies to the jazz man's reefah stick. i said good day, sir!" ( laughter ) "beauregard, bring the horses around!" ( laughter ) i'm paraphrasing, obviously. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: states who have legalized pot are surprisingly mellow about the news. in fact, the u.s. attorney in colorado says there will be no change to marijuana enforcement despite sessions' shift on pot policy. wait, pot just got re-criminalized and smokers are less paranoid? what's next? they've had enough little debbie's swiss cakes? but the republicans opponents aren't taking this sitting down on the couch in the basement. like independent senator and man watching a dog play electric guitar, bernie sanders. sanders was critical of treating pot smokers as criminals, saying, marijuana isn't heroin. it's true, marijuana is not heroin. and for the record, senator sanders, a spoon is not a comb. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: wow. ♪ a spoon is not a comb >> stephen: but, come on, sessions knows marijuana isn't heroin. because he's on the record, saying marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin. yes, they're very close. take heroin, you'll die. smoke marijuana and you will die laughing at jeff sessions. ( laughter ) but who knows if this will even last because a 12-year-old colorado girl who takes medical marijuana for seizures is already suing jeff sessions and the d.e.a. ( cheers and applause ) and, oh, mr. sessions, you do not want to mess with a 12-year-old girl. she's probably twice your height and she's on that demon weed. watch out! we'll be right back with noted pot opponent, curtis "50 cent" jackson! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) if you could see your cough, you'd see all the sickness you're spreading. robitussin cf max. nothing lasts longer and treats more symptoms for your cough, cold and flu. (elevator bell ringing) robitussin cf max severe. because it's never just a cough. robitwe can'twhy?y here!. flat toilet paper! i'll never get clean! way ahead of you. (avo) charmin ultra strong. it cleans better. it's four times stronger and you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! my first guest tonight is a grammy-award winning rapper, actor and entrepreneur who has sold over 30 million albums. please welcome curtis "50 cent" jackson! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: nice to meet you. happy to be here. >> stephen: happy to have you. help me out with something here. i hope you will be patient with me because, obviously, i'm not cool on all. so i can't call you fitty. wouldn't be proper, but if i call you 50 cent, i'm going to seem way too square. so i'm thinking maybe "half-dollar jackson." >> that's just for me and you, stephen. >> stephen: mr. half-dollar jackson over there. >> sharon osbourne gave me that nickname, fitty cent. >> stephen: she gave you fity? aid, it's 50-cent. she said fity cent, an it's been that ever since. >> stephen: your name is that because of an english accent? >> fitty cent. >> stephen: wow, i didn't know that. >> so they say, are you fitty cent? i'm, like, are you serious? >> stephen: so movie, "den of thieves," you're curtis in this, right? >> yeah, i put curtis "50 cent" jackson, so people wouldn't expect what they expect from me as a musical artist. >> stephen: is there difference in the personality between curtis jackson and your persona as 50 cent? >> well, curtis jackson is my grandmother's baby. that's when i clean up. >> stephen: can you show me? here's curtis. >> and here's 50. >> stephen: that's done. that's an artist. you're an artist with that face of yours. that's really good. listen, it's the first time meeting you, but, like, there is so much to know about you because you're everywhere. you have music, tv, movies, endorsements and obviously your first album, get rich and die trying, sold 1 million copies, five studio albums, got a grammy. you're executive producer and star of the tv series power. e.p. and host of comedy series and invested in vitamin water to casper mattresses. here's the thing, that suit and your resume tells me you're a tycoon. >> this is the casper mattress doing good suit. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's right. hey, they're advertising a lot of podcasts, casper mattress. trump is also from queens. >> i felt funny when you said that. >> stephen: but you're two tycoons, two guys made good from queens. is he like your friends you knew in the neighborhood? >> i didn't know -- so many new things have come out about donald since he's been the president of america. >> stephen: we've learned a lot. >> to be honest, i think it's by accident. when something happens by accident, you're not prepared for it. i think he was trying to get a great renegotiation for "the apprentice." ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: so he just wanted to go back to nbc and say -- >> he wanted to lose the presidency, he didn't want the job. >> stephen: that's what the book says. >> yeah, then when you win you're, like, what the (bleep)? somehow i've got to be the president? ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah, man. >> stephen: yeah, that was my reaction, too. ( laughter ) >> he does things and i recognize the things why he's doing them. >> stephen: recognize what? recently he was saying something like i got a bigger -- you know, i got a bigger -- >> stephen: button. -- yeah, nuclear button. that's, like, stuff you do in the neighborhood. like, if you know somebody's got a problem with you, you will be like, you want a problem? no problem. he's bluffing. that's how you bluff. but you don't bluff with the entire world! what the (bleep)! you don't do that! >> stephen: that's exactly what he's doing. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: yes. you don't want that smoke. we don't want that smoke! , like, none of us! we don't want that to take place! but he's, like, i got a bigger nuclear button than you! that's like saying i got a bigger johnson than yours. >> stephen: i don't know if we can say johnson on cbs. can we say johnson? sure, why not. >> that was the cleanest version of it i had. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. your grandmother would be proud. >> she would. >> stephen: now, let's see, much like the president, you are known for having beefs with people, okay. >> beef is not always a bad thing. >> stephen: okay, how is a beef a good thing? because i don't want to go over, like, bad history with you, but you were shot nine times. >> yeah, that wasn't good. >> stephen: that was not good. beef is not always a bad thing. >> stephen: okay. you need to have even, like, positive competition. like, who's in your time slot? >> stephen: it's me, jimmy fallon, jimmy kimmel, bobby flay. i don't know. ( laughter ) i don't want falo fallon to popp in my as. >> he's not going to do it. >> stephen: he's too nice. they have different strong points in different areas. >> stephen: oh, sure. when they're really talented guys watching them, you go, man, (bleep) jimmy kimmel. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's him, not me. i love you, jimmy. that's him saying. it say it again. >> i did his first show! i did his first show. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: hey! ha! >> especially when you're number one in the time slot. >> stephen: a lot of pressure. you have to create competition so you stay on your game. >> stephen: do you know who the number one guy is in late night right now? >> it's you. that's right. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) i pay attention to the ratings! you know i know. >> stephen: i got to get me a better suit. >> what was the other guy's name, though? >> stephen: bobby flay over at the food network. >> look, bobby flay is on the food network. perfect victim. >> stephen: perfect victim? food network, cbs. we got way more money at cbs. >> stephen: but he's got flame and knives. >> (bleep) bobby. ( laughter ) >> stephen: let me try it now. say it. >> (bleep) bobby. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what you gonna do, man? now, what you gonna do, bobby? what you gonna do, bobby? everybody watching. >> stephen: nat felt good. that wasn't easy. you've got to build that muscle. >> so you're coming from the number one slot. so you're really going like, (bleep), bobby. stay down there, (bleep). ( laughter ) that's a little different. >> stephen: see, they don't teach you this in school. >> yeah, but it's things you pick up along the way, you know. >> stephen: now, of all the things you do, be beef like nobody else, now you're in this movie "den of thieves" with gerard butler. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: okay. speaking of beef, who's beef are you in, in this? >> i didn't know which gerard butler we were going to get, the gerard butler from "300" where he's all the way topped up, or the soft and cuddly gerard butler, like that guy, you know. >> stephen: the romcom. he came somewhere in the middle. >> stephen: okay. o, cool, i feel like my sexy is safe. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we have a clip. can you explain? i think it's you and your daughter. >> i have five kids in the film in this clip. any 16-year-old daughter is getting ready to go on her sweet 16. >> stephen: okay, jim. let me have her for a second. i want to talk to you. >> don't worry about it, okay? we're just going to talk. ( laughter ) >> so this is what's up. for the past 16 years, my daughter's safety and protection has been my responsibility and my responsibility only. now for the first time in her life, i see i've got to hand you that responsibility. don't (bleep) up. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "den of thieves" is in theaters january 19th. curtis "50 cent" jackson! half-dollar jackson, everybody! back with rachel brosnahan! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( ♪ ) with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. life made more effortless through adaptability. the perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. ( ♪ ) discover card. in the lincoln continental. i justis this for real?match, yep. we match all the cash back new cardmembers earn at the end of their first year, automatically. whoo! i got my money! hard to contain yourself, isn't it? uh huh! let it go! whoo! get a dollar-for-dollar match at the end of your first year. only from discover. new puppy? new food, but there's so many choices! at petsmart, we have the largest in store selection of blue buffalo pet food, including puppy solutions! which are specifically formulated to support healthy growth and development. from grain free to meat rich recipes, wet food and even puppy training treats. petsmart and blue buffalo have got you covered. and now, when you spend $50 on blue buffalo puppy products at petsmart, you'll save $10! why shop anywhere else? petsmart. for the love of pets. with expedia, you can book a flight, then add a hotel, and save. ♪ everything you need to go. expedia ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show" already in progress. ( cheers and applause ) folks, you've seen my next guest in "house of cards" and "the blacklist." she's now nominated for a golden globe as "the marvelous mrs. maisel." >> so my life completely fell apart today. did i mention that my husband left me? >> woo-hoo! all right, but did i mention he left me for his secretary? ( whistling ) >> she's 21 and dumb as a brillo pad. i'm not naive. i know men like stupid girls, right? but i thought joel wanted more than stupid. i thought he wanted spontaneity and wit. i thought ehe wanted to be challenged, you know what i mean? >> uh -- you two are going to be together forever. >> stephen: please welcome rachel brosnahan! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> i get my own mug and everything. >> stephen: everything. ( cheers and applause ) well, welcome to the show. >> thank you! >> stephen: first of all, we talked about this briefly backstage. congratulations. this show just came on and you're nominated for a golden globe on sunday. that's wonderful! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you very much. >> stephen: how does that feel? >> it's pretty cool. also, we poured our hearts and souls, a lot of blood, sweat and tears into this show. it's nice when people like stuff as much as you do. >> stephen: sure. it really hurts your feelings when they don't. >> i wouldn't know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, so how did you find out? it's always fun. i remember the first time i was nominated for an emmy, i forgot and found out. it's such a wonderful surprise. how did you find out? >> well, i was very asleep. it was earl le. >> stephen: okay. and my dog made a noise and i woke up and had lovely text messages and tweets on the twitter-er. >> stephen: were your parents excited for you and everything? >> they were very excited. my dad was a little disappointed in me because i was asleep, in his defense, an his assistant told me and i did not. i'll probably never be forgiven for that one. >> stephen: he was mad because he didn't find out from you. >> i think so. >> stephen: he recovered, i hope. >> i hope so. >> stephen: daddy, forgive her. it's getting great refuse. who was mrs. maisel. >> well, currently she's still with us on the show. >> stephen: i thought she was a real woman. >> no. >> stephen: that's how convincing your performance is. >> so midge maisel is a young jewish housewife in the '50s in new york and her whole life suddenly falls apart when her husband leaves her and she ends up trying her hand at standup comedy. >> stephen: had you ever done standup comedy before you'd done this? >> no, no, no. >> stephen: are you tempted, now that you've done this, to give it a shot? >> no. no. absolutely not. >> stephen: why not? because i would be so traumatized. amy doesn't remember this, our creator, but she said early on that eshed give it a go, that she would write something for me to give me the experience. >> stephen: and go do a gig at a club or something. >> go do a gig at a club and she would write it so i wouldn't have to write my own jokes. honestly, i thought i would be so traumatized, had it gone badly, an let's be real, it probably would have. >> stephen: it's never gone badly for you before. >> well, i don't want to find out. i wouldn't ever have been able to do it on this show. so the answer is no. >> stephen: well, how did you -- so if you hadn't done standup before, i know you're a very accomplished actress, how did you get the gig? were there -- were you up against standups or anything? >> i assume so. they don't tell me those things. i don't know. well, the thing, is i think her standup, especially in the first couple of episodes, is more like a prolonged mental breakdown. >> stephen: okay. and although maybe standup is like that, i wouldn't know. ( laughter ) but, i mean, a little or -- >> stephen: you don't go on a comedy because you had a happy childhood. >> very true from what i hear. >> stephen: so it takes place in new york in the 1950s. >> yeah. >> stephen: you went to school in new york, i heard? >> yeah, i did. i we want to nyu. >> stephen: do you wish you lived in the '50s new york when you see it? because i kind of do. >> yes and no. i mean, the clothes, at least as they are on our show, they're extraordinary. they're so beautiful, and we don't dress like that anymore. but i also thank god because it takes an entourage to use the bathroom with all of the corset and the petticoats. it's challenging to be a woman then, and now, but in a different way. >> stephen: i'll take your word for it. >> thank you. >> stephen: were you a rebellious kid? were your parents worried about you in new york? where are you from originally? >> north of chicago, highland park. >> stephen: i lived in chicago for seven years. i know highland park. a lovely area. >> it is. >> stephen: were they worried about their little girl in the big city with the tattoos and the piercings? >> i'm sure they were. they didn't totally let on. i hid my rebellion very well from them in high school. so they didn't know. but i did immediately get my nose pierced when i got to new york. they weren't thrilled. >> stephen: no. when thighed did they find out? >> when i went home for thanksgiving. >> stephen: did they think it was a joke? >> no, no, they did not. >> stephen: which disappointed your father more, not being called about the golden globe's or the earring in your nose? >> definitely the golden globe's. i don't think i'll ever recover from that one. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. thank you for being here, rachel. "the marvelous mrs. maisel" is on amazon. rachel brosnahan, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian gary vider. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i'm lucky to get through a shift without a disaster. my bargain detergent couldn't keep up. so, i switched to tide pods. they're super concentrated, so i get a better clean. number one trusted. number one awarded. it's got to be tide but on the inside, i feel like chronic, widespread pain. fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. i'm glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. for some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. and improves function. lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. common side effects: dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. don't drink alcohol while taking lyrica. don't drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. those who've had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. with less pain, i can do more with my family. talk to your doctor today. see if lyrica can help. ♪ ♪ keep it comin' love. ♪ keep it comin' love. ♪ don't stop it now, ♪ don't stop it no. ♪ don't stop it now, ♪ don't stop it. ♪ keep it comin' love. ♪ keep it comin' love. ♪ don't stop it now, if you keep on eating, we'll keep it comin'. all you can eat riblets and tenders at applebee's. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. cbs presented by target.... art and history spark connections across cultures, igniting curiosity, conversation, and inspiration. that's why target supports the asian art museum in san francisco. the asian museum is here to make asian arts and culture relevant. the reality is we all have a story to tell. it's what makes us who we are. cbs eye on the community is sponsored by target. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) charmin ultra soft! it's softer than ever. charmin ultra soft is softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. enjoy the go! with charmin! depend silhouette briefs. feature a comfortable sleek fit. as a dancer, i've learned you can't have any doubts. because looking good on stage is one thing. but real confidence comes from feeling good out there. get a coupon at depend.com ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: oh, sorry. they caught me. i was just taking a little nap. my next guest is a comedian making his network late night debut. please welcome gary vider! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> thank you guys. thank you. you guys seem like nice people. i'm a pretty nice person myself. i've never been in a fight before. my entire life, i've not gotten in any fights. i'm you be defeated. i was close to getting in the a fight recently. i was at a bar that was very busy. a guy walked right into me, stepped on my sneakers. naturally, my reflexes kicked in, i apologized. i said i'm sorry. he must not have heard. he pushed me, ripped off his shirt and said, what, you think you're hard? i said now i am. i didn't expect this to happen. ( laughter ) i'm not a tough guy. but as a guy, you're supposed to be tough. i had this girl ask me, she goes, it's late at night, i live in a rough neighborhood. do you mind walking me home? sure, as long as you don't mind walk meg home right after that. ( laughter ) what does she expect? i'm 5'6". this is it. this is my body. there are not many options for short people. i saw a commercial for these things, they're shoe inserts that make you 3 inches taller. in a commercial they show a guy 5'6" talking about a girl. she wouldn't have anything to do with him. in the next scene, they showed what would have happened if he had max talls. she would have had sex with him. that's quite the turn of events. that's it. that's the entire commercial. ( laughter ) they're, like, it's smooth sailing from here. but i thought about it. it's not. because once he gets her in bed, he's going to have to take off his max talls. ( laughter ) and there's going to be an uncomfortable moment when she says to him, where are your legs? ( laughter ) i'm married. i have been married for about a year. my wife told me -- oh, thank you, guys. my wife told me she googled signs your marriage is in trouble, which is a pretty big sign our marriage is in trouble. ( laughter ) it's tough being married. new rules pop up all the time. pretty sure she makes it up as she's going along. the other night, i got home at 11:00. caused a fight because i told her i would be back by 10:00. so now i overestimate a little. before coming here she's, like, when are you coming back? i was, like, february. ( laughter ) we watched football together the other weekend. during the game, my wife sees tom brady. she goes i don't find tom brady very attractive. my wife couldn't see the beauty in tom brady, but she could see the beauty in me. ( laughter ) it was at that moment i knew she could not be trusted. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we have a neighbor, he's not very bright. we had a blackout six weeks ago. my entire street lost power. during the blackout, he tweets on his iphone "it's like the 1800s over here. i have no electricity ." ( laughter ) he tweeted that. on his iphone. i feel like some of you are having a hard time following. ( laughter ) the only way it would be like the 1800s is if i walked out of my apartment and a guy on a horse trotted up to me and handed me a note that said, it's like the 1800s over here. ( laughter ) i have no electricity. p.s., i think i have smallpox. ( laughter ) yeah, that neighbor's not bright. he was in denver not too long ago. called me when he was there. he goes, gary, i went to a marijuana dispensary, i bought 50 sour patch kids with marijuana in them. but i'm flying back to new york tomorrow. you smoke a lot of pot, you fly a lot. do you know how i get these past security? i was, like, go to a convenience store, buy a pocks of regular sour patch kids, transfer the ones with marijuana in them into the regular's box and you will have no problem. the next day he calls and goes, gary, i'm back in new york with the sour patch kids. thanks for letting me know i could do that. i said, no. thanks for letting me know i could do that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you guys! >> stephen: you can see gary regularly at the comedy cellar here in new york. gary vider, everybody! >> stephen: hey! that's it for "the late show," everybody! glj tune in tomorrow when my guest will be neil degrasse tyson. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from muskegon, michigan, give it up for your

Related Keywords

New York , United States , Italy , Whitehouse , District Of Columbia , Muskegon , Michigan , Queens , Russia , Switzerland , Spain , Denver , Colorado , Highland Park , Illinois , Chicago , San Francisco , California , Russian , Spanish , American , Swiss , Stephen Colbert , Michael Wolff , America Stephen , Bernie Sanders , Jimmy Kimmel , Don Jr , Jon Batiste , Rodney Bowling , Rachel Brosnahan , Steve Bannon , Nyu Stephen , Curtis Jackson , Sharon Osbourne , Tom Brady , Stephen ,